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ChristianSlater4000
Reviews
The Last Airbender (2010)
I love this movie
My name is Jeurel Morbius Barton and I loved this film. I did only watch 1 and 1/2 episodes of the Chinese cartoon and did not like it, but then I give this movie a try and was absolutely blown away. This is no mere film, this is a masterpiece of cinema that puts the anime to shame with its expert storytelling and writing. Not to mention the characters and powers were improved upon in every way! Dislike this review if you disagree and are a beta, like this if you are a sigma male like me.
Death Note (2017)
Better than the source material
My name is Tobias Gilbert, and I watched this film whilst bench pressing 570 pounds. This film not only exceeds the source material of the original Chinese version, but vastly somehow exceeds it. It is nearly identical to the anime, but every character has been improved upon. Give this review a thumbs up if you agree, dislike and I'll shut up.
Fight Club (1999)
I am Tyler Durden
Wow I watched this film and what an underrated masterpiece. I truly felt as though I connected with Tyler Durden (I am a sigma male btw) and now I can not stop thinking about this film. This is it, this is my movie, the movie for sigma males about sigma males. Ignore the jealous haters, like this review if you are a true sigma male, bury me with dislikes is you are a beta male simp.
Dragonball Evolution (2009)
Better than the anime
My name is Nicholas Toste, and when I went to watch this movie (masterpiece) for the first time, I came in expecting the worst. I was pleasantly surprised to find this excellent piece of cinema not only is nearly a shot for shot remake of the anime, but it in fact surpasses the source material. A truly amazing experience, I highly highly highly recommend. If you dislike this review I'll shut up.
Venom (2018)
Better than Avengers
Simply put, this movie is nothing shy of a masterpiece. I distinctly remember giving this Citizen Kane if superhero films a standing ovation at the end, for which I was booed by my fellow filmgoers, likely ignorant, uncultured children. And while Tom Hardy as Venom is not quite as good as Topher Grace was in Spiderman 3, this film is still vastly better than the weak and pathetic Avengers films. Overall a 10 out of 10 ignore the mindless hater drones. My name is Jeurel Barton if you dislike this review I'll shut up
Gisaengchung (2019)
I've seen much better comedies
When I watched this film, I'll admit, perhaps my mouth twinged at the corners a few times (more so than most other films declaring themselves to be "comedy" which I rate one star on average). But this film is mere tripe, it pales in comparison to the refinement, depth and complexity of the popular Adult Swim show, "Richard and Mortimer" (Rick and Morty for lower IQ individuals). In fact, the part in particular that has utterly taken my fancy is an episode wherein the titular "Richard" transforms himself into none other than a lacto-fermented cucumber, and proudly proclaims his new designation to be "Pickle Rick"! Oh how I laughed, for this is true comedy, this is art. This film simply fails to compare to its better, and while I consider it above average as far as modern comedic films go, I simply cannot rate it higher than 4 stars. This is probably due to my incredibly high IQ. My name is Jeurel Barton, bury me with dislikes if you disagree
Four Lions (2010)
In memory of brother Crow
My name is Jeurel Nicholas Toste Sayyad and I was a member of Brother Crow's mosque. I will never forget brother crow who worked to spread the light of Islam even though his life was tragically taken from us. In memory of brother crow I write this review, a true believer
Joker (2019)
I believe I may have been the inspiration for this movie
Have you ever seen a movie and known that it's about you? And I don't mean like metaphorically or like it's similar to your life, I mean it was literally written, based on your life. That's how I felt, this is me and I'm the Joker. I've turned into the Joker. If you dislike this review then you live in a society
Avengers: Infinity War (2018)
Why did the bad guy win
I don't understand the praise this movie receives. The bad guy won so I wasn't much of a fan. It was technically somewhat competent but the bad guys won that literally makes no sense. I liked when the good guys were winning though but then they didn't the bad guys did you guys must be mindless trolls. I'd honestly rate this movie lower if I could. My name is Jeurel Barton and if you disagree bury me with dislikes
Avengers: Endgame (2019)
Underrated
This may perhaps be the most underrated film of all time. It was quite good, not great but still this movie got nowhere near the love and attention it deserves. It got nowhere close to the amount of money it deserved, so sadly I don't see a sequel coming our way any time soon. I guarantee this film will be more popular in 5-10 years. Ignore the mindless hater drones who attack this movie. Also to the mindless haters who continually dislike my reviews please stop now. Overall 7 out of 10 I liked it.
Rage of the Yeti (2011)
Best Film Ever Made????
Well, someone's got to say it. This film is a flawless work of art, the likes of which has never been seen before in American cinema. The CGI is beautifully done, and looks almost lifelike. The acting is on point, giving shame to even some of the best performers of today. I honestly can't believe this film isn't rated 10/10, probably because of mindless trolls. Ignore the haters, if you like a gripping drama and romance, in a harrowing tale for survival, this is a MUST WATCH. Ignore the hater drones
Pokémon: Detective Pikachu (2019)
I'm in love with Misty from Pokemon
When I first stepped into the theater, I'll admit, my cynical, jaded self was not expecting much. However, upon seeing the wonderful, riveting plot of this masterpiece of a film, that old childlike wonder that I'd once had before I became a cynical fuck began to return, and I was enjoying myself. Pikachu is great, and so are the Pokémon. This film was excellent, a joy to sit through and exceeded all expectations. Without a doubt, the best movie of 2019, and it's not even close. A MUST WATCH for true film connoisseurs everywhere, with an appreciation for fine art. Also, Pokémon introduced my to my love and current crippling addiction to anime girl's thighs. Overall 100/10
National Treasure: Book of Secrets (2007)
Best Disney Movie???
I remember stepping into the theater as a young lad to first watch this film and I was blown away. As always, Nicholas Cage's stellar performance steals the show. This movie made my childhood, and can only be considered a flawless gem amidst a sea of modern mediocrity. A masterpiece of a film, the best Disney film that has ever, or, dare I say, will ever come out. A must watch for true National Treasure fans, ignore the mindless haters, they are uncultured drones with no consent of true quality
Spider-Man 3 (2007)
Did I see a different Spider-Man 3?
Looking at the reviews, I'm starting to wonder if I even watched the same movie as most of these people. This movie is, without a doubt, the greatest Spiderman film, nay, greatest superhero film, nay, greatest cinematic masterpiece of all time. The scenes of Peter dancing, and being "emo" are hilarious, and serve to heighten his character to the greatest lengths yet. As for the villains, my only complaint is that there are far too few. I was sorely disappointed that Mysterio hadn't made a surprise appearance by the end. Topher Grace as Venom is the only REAL Venom I acknowledge. Anyone who criticizes this film is a drone and a mindless hater. This is, without exaggeration, the Citizen Kane of superhero films. A MUST WATCH for TRUE Spider-Man fans
Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones (2002)
Better than The Empire Strikes Back
After watching the Phantom Menace, I thought Star Wars couldn't possibly get better. And yet, somehow it did. Hayden Christensen delivers gripping dialogue, superbly written. This film is a romance story above all else, and it absolutely NAILS IT. The romance between Anakin and Padme feels so real, and so pristinely written, I wondered how anyone believed the romance between Han Solo and Leia in the original trilogy at all. Ignore the haters, clearly their IQ is too low to understand this cinematic marvel. Would rate higher if I could, perhaps the best film ever made.
Pew News (2018)
The ONLY news source I trust
In a world full of fake news, and everything being politicized, there is only one news source brave enough to deliver hard hitting facts, telling everything like it is. I'm not supposed to give my opinion, but if you want the truth, honesty, integrity, Pew News is for you.
Eragon (2006)
A Flawless Recreation of the Original
When I first sat down to watch the Eragon film, I thought I was bound to be dissapointed. It's very rare that a film truly follows the book. And yet, this movie manages not only to pull that off, but to be even better than the novel. Great acting, great characters, and I fell IN LOVE with the cgi used on Saphira. Over all, a rare gem and example of how to do a book adaptation right. Ignore the haters, if I could I'd rate this film even higher
Con Air (1997)
Best Accent in a Movie Ever?
The star studded cast of this movie perform their roles with excellence. John Malkovich makes for one of the most charming yet deadly villains of the 1990's, as his most villainous role to date. But the real star of the film is Nicholas Cage's accent. Without a doubt, the most flawless accent ever put into a piece of cinema. Nicholas Cage positively steals the show, and I loved every second of it. 9 stars because not enough Steve Buscemi
Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace (1999)
Better than the originals
A film that makes all previously conceived "masterpieces" of cinema look like garbage by comparison. Gripping story, unforgettable characters and dialogue that puts Quentin Tarantino to shame. Truly, an unappreciated gem, don't listen to the haters. Flawless, and a MUST WATCH for true fans