anishchari Reviews

Palm Springs (2020)

Second hand embarrassment

[2/10 · 7 September 2020]

There's a reason people don't copy Groundhog Day despite the premise being something so tempting to repeat; like time travel or body swapping. Groundhog Day is it's almost a perfect movie, to invite comparison is to risk being inferior. Edge of Tomorrow was the last quasi successful movie to try.

Palm Springs is NOT a success. The setup is familiar. Niles is stuck in a single day loop and has already accepted his fate in a kind of nihilistic defeatism. That is until someone else is sucked into the loop with him. Now, this would be like being stranded on a deserted island and finding on day that someone else has washed ashore. It would literally be the most world changing event in your otherwise purgatorial existence. You would think finding a kindred spirit would give his life purpose, but the even is treat so blasse as if it's just another rerun for Niles.

So if we're not supposed to take this seriously then it's just a big dumb romantic comedy without any of the existentialism or deeper meaning we get in Groundhog Day. Ok fine, Edge of Tomorrow pulled that off. But that mean it has to be funny. This is not. There's lots of yelling, swearing, ridiculous drug usage, constant drinking, and pithy one liners and quips. Turning the craziness up to 11 isn't going to work. It has none of the comedic timing of Bill Murray and certainly not the more natural character arc. The jokes all so obvious and so disappointing coming from Andy Sandberg's often brilliant Lonely Island.

JK Simmons feels like a throwaway. His plot relevance could have been any other character spouting the same wisdom, but I guess that wasn't zany enough for the director. There's a brief moment in the middle where they try to get to something deeper but it doesn't amount to enough. That the movie starts and ends on bad wedding speeches may be the most fitting thing about the movie. It's derivative, tries to be funny and fails, is longer than it feels, and you really just want the whole thing to be over.

Star Wars: The Rise Of Skywalker (2019)

If it was just the plot holes that were the problem it could be forgiven.

[3/10 · 7 April 2020]

I feel like I'm late to the party on this movie and I certainly echo the general consensus here. First some background: I grew up in the 90s so I saw the initial trilogy well after their release but loved them as a child. I played many of the video games and I was well versed in the lore. When the prequels dropped I was now in my twenties and at best they were disappointing and I had all but ceased to care about the Star Wars universe; partly as a result of getting older and partly because of the taint of the prequels.

So I was skeptical of the rebooted sequels. I would call myself pleasantly surprised with The Force Awakens. It wasn't fantastic. It played it very safe, necessarily though, and I could forgive that given the musk of the prequels hung heavy over all things Star Wars. It did what it had to do. Then we had The Last Jedi. It had nice visuals, but I didn't have much else I could say I enjoyed. Bizarre character motivations, weird backtracks, and it felt like it was written by a different author. Because it was.

Which brings us to Rise of the Skywalker. What a colossal mess. I don't envy JJ Abrams. I suspect he was given the impossible task of walking the line between people that were divided on whether to follow the path set by The Last Jedi or The Force Awakens. So when he came to a fork, Abrams took it. He tried to write out some of the controversial decisions from The Last Jedi while not completely abandoning some of the leg work done. It's an impossible task to finish a story while simultaneously rewriting the middle bit. And yet, that's what was tried. Ambitious, and probably impossible. So you'd think the movie would have to pack a ton of story tie all these loose ends up, right? No. Abrams spends so much time having our cast chase MacGuffins and visit new locales and introduce new characters that the plot moves at a break neck speed while still leaving huge plot holes and inconsistencies that people have spent videos as long as the movie itself breaking down.

And you know what? Fine. I can forgive silly plots. I can suspend my disbelief. It's not like the original trilogy didn't commit convenient deus ex machinas when the story demanded it. But if I could get lost in some good characters, dialogue, or maybe some eye candy it would be okay. It wasn't okay. There's a lot of focus on how awful the story is. And it is. But fewer people are talking about how bad the dialogue is. Everyone has seen the infamous "They fly now!" trailer. And that's what they decided to use as an ADVERTISEMENT. What they kept in the movie is even WORSE. Bad quips, lots of exposition, over acting, just zoom zoom zoom from one place to another without people stopping to disagree in a meaningful way. It's a script written by a 10 year old for 10 year olds. It's The Fast and Furious of Star Wars, and I mean that in the more derogatory way possible. And ironically enough, neither my 9 year old son, 7 year old daughter, or wife could sit through the entire movie. And the characters - what a waste. Entire character arcs are thrown out. Finn never reconciles with his time as a Stormtrooper, we don't learn about Poe's history, Rose Tico is almost written out completely, and the most important characters, Kylo and Rey, are so schizophrenic from movie to movie there's nothing left to take away. Two more throw away characters are introduced and neither are developed. This movie can't tell the difference between characters and characterization.

Who was this movie made for? Not the diehards, who have picked it apart relentlessly, not the casuals who will be disappointed by the disjointed, confusing storytelling. Women? Not my wife or any of her friends. Even children are going to find this boring. Yes, boring. Even the big set piece action scenes are either not exciting or just stuff we've seen before. More Star Destroyers, more laser sword fights (anemic ones), and more laser guns going pew pew pew. At least The Last Jedi had some nice cinematography and some memorable (if vapid) action sequences. This has nothing. If I award any points it's because the acting is at least fine. As in it's not as bad as the prequels. Adam Driver is probably the best but his competition is weak.

It was as if you got two people to build a piece of furniture but you told one of them to build a chair and the other to build a dresser. Your end product is this ugly, unstable, awkward, uncomfortable, painful, unsightly mess better used for firewood. I don't blame the engineers for following their instructions, but I do blame the people that bankrolled this project. The only good thing to come out of this trilogy are hilarious memes, and (hopefully) the end of a hopelessly bereft franchise.

One Cut of the Dead (2017)

Good but short

[10/10 · 2 December 2019]

I love zombie movies and this was pretty good. It's got a real B-movie feel to it if you like that stuff. It's pretty short at just over 35 minutes but it does have that low budget feel.

I think I watched the DVD version because the after-credits blooper reel and behind the scenes footage take forever and you may want to skip that part.

One Cut of the Dead (2017)

What a game of a film

[10/10 · 2 December 2019]

Yesterday if you told me I was going to recommend a Japanese zombie movie I wouldn't have believed you, and yet One Cut of the Dead may be the best foreign language zombie movie since Romero's Night of the Living Dead.

The reason it's so successful is because it's less zombie movie than it is love letter to film making in general. Saying anything more would be giving things away, so suffice it to say: The movie is excellent for B-horror movie fans, zombie-movie fans, or aspiring film makers. It is the most meta-movie you'll ever watch and like nothing you've seen before. Despite the language barrier the characters are excellent, rounded, and have enough backstory you feel where they're coming from. This is amazing in a movie that's barely 90 minutes, but it's all quality.

The Greatest Showman (2017)

A movie crafted by executives without heart or vision

[2/10 · 1 March 2019]

The Greatest Showman is the most painful cinematic experience I can recall. I heard this is one "the critics got wrong" and with some skepticism watched it in its entirety. Had I not watched it in a group I would have turned it off after 30 minutes.

The Greatest Showman is not a creative endeavor like any good art production should be. It's a movie made in a factory assembly line by a group of people who know what a movie LOOKS like, but lack any heart or imagination to cobble it together into anything but the most bland, generic pablum to turn a profit before heading back to the line to hammer out another one. It takes no risks and fails in almost all aspects of movie-making save costume design.

This is the not-so-true story of PT Barnum, a public figure no one was interested in learning about and certainly not this sanitized version. It's a rags to riches story with some moralizing about tolerance and family that we've all heard a hundred times. But even these most basic of Hollywood sentiments they can't get right. It's supposed to be about acceptance and tolerance of people that are different, and simultaneously be about a spectacle of bearded women, extremely tall & fat men, and black acrobats. The black love interest may be the most offensive character, as I honestly didn't even know she was black until it was suggested as much by another character. They don't even have the gumption to cast a character whose skin tone is more than 2 shades darker than Hugh Jackman. The actual black actor has no speaking parts whatever and is more a prop than a character, as is the fat man and the tall guy. You know what would have been interesting? Making the love interest the bearded lady. But this is Hollywood and the factory specs called for just a teaspoon of diversity and nothing more.

The story is a bore. The movie is scarcely 100 minutes but it feels like it goes on forever. It's squirm inducing from pillar to post, always threatening to end but never doing so. It's a risk-less, trite affair with passable acting performances and no stand outs.

Oh but it's a musical you say, so it's really about the songs and choreography, right? Fine, but these echo the production ethos of the rest of the movie. Every song could have been ripped straight from the top ten pop hits and no one would know. And in fact that's exactly what they did, there are at least 2-3 songs that I recognize from top 40 radio. It is the most boring, milquetoast music available, made in a boardroom. Every song sounds the same and none are memorable. The choreography could have been pulled straight from any MTV music video - with the addition of a few CGI elephants, lions, and the odd flaming hoop. The most offensive moment is when an opera singer performs. Finally! Something that won't sound like a pop song. But what follows is more Celine Dion or Barbara Streisand than anything even remotely operatic. It was that moment I knew the movie was beyond redemption and would have turned it off there if I wasn't watching in a group.

I am not a musical hater. You can make creative musicals like The Little Barber Shop of Horrors, The Rocky Horror Picture Show, I don't even mind the classic 90s Disney movies or the new Les Miserables. But this? There is exactly one song number that was at least mildly entertaining because it helped with characterization and had a glimpse of novelty: Jackman's duet in the bar room.

Some people will argue this movie shouldn't have to take risks, it's a PG feel-good movie! But I didn't feel good. I felt a mixture of anger, boredom, irritation, and frustration. This should offend the sensibilities of any cinema-goer over the age of 15. The Greatest Showman is the worst kind of movie out there; so bland and produced it offers absolutely nothing new or interesting and the only thing worth discussing is how painfully mediocre it is before shoving it down the memory-hole never to be spoken of again.

American Gods (2017–2021)

Convoluted mess with more style than substance.

[3/10 · 14 February 2019]

With so many studios and production companies churning out TV serials these days I have a strict rule: You get 1 episode. And that's what I gave American God's. So here's my spoiler heavy review of American God's.

Opening sequence is a scene of Vikings discovering the New World and getting beat back by Aboriginals. This is a great piece of history but the story is butchered in favor of stupid violence and gore. Whatever it's an opening scene and forgiveable. The main story about a guy named, umm, Shadow, is a lot more interesting. He's getting out of jail but has learned his wife has died just a day ago. Alright! We have a setup, a fulcrum to tell the rest of the story with. It's at least something but then gets interrupted by cliche dream sequences. I would love to watch a modern TV series that doesn't rely on the main character to have scary dreams. Then a black woman eats a man with her vagina. And I'm afraid it's all down hill from there. Then we have a really lovely scene of a drunk woman throwing herself at our main character at a graveyard. There are lots of dick and fellatio jokes of that's your thing. This awkward scene is terminated when a metal face hugger unfolds out of the ground and transports our main character into a limo with a vaping 20-something who quickly lynches him.

Aaannnndddd SCENE!

American Gods thinks it's smarter than it is, cooler than it is, and better than it is

Tales from the Crypt (1989–1996)

The best in R rated campy early 90s horror.

[10/10 · 17 August 2018]

The 80s were a golden age of horror. Ultra violent, lewd, irreverent, and before CG effects started to take over. Tales from the Crypt is the perfect distillation of that era. Each episode was a self contained short story. Most episodes have lots of profanity, softcore nudity, gore, violence, but it never takes itself too seriously. Most episodes are bad things happening to bad people. While some episodes are pretty hit and miss, the host of the series, the Cryptkeeper, is a show stealing. The puppetry of this character is fantastic, but not enough good things can be said about the voice actor. Cryptkeeper drops puns at a mile a minute. If you thought one was corny, don't worry he's got another one coming to make up for it. Don't let his appearance fool you, this is one lovable ghoul. As if that wasn't good enough, the musical score is made by none other than Danny Elfman of Batman, Beetlejuice, and Edward Scissorhands fame. Highly recommended for 80s horror fans.

You Were Never Really Here (2017)

Decent thriller hampered by Art-House style decisions

[6/10 · 15 July 2018]

With a cryptic title and an artsy cover, you would be rightly suspicious that You Were Never Really Here isn't going to be a traditional Man on Fire/Taken/John Wick movie. Joaquin Phoenix is certainly intimidating in his best Karl Marx expression, but much of the on screen violence is off screen. He'll approach a guard with a ball-peen hammer, then they'll cut away and return to the collapsed and bleeding body on the ground. It's not an action movie really, more of a thriller involving a pedophile ring and a prominent politician.

However most scenes are punctuated by flashbacks from Joaquin's troubled childhood and past. None of this is gone into detail, and the director tries to let the visuals do the story telling. But these frequent interjections detract from the story to the point I had myself thinking this movie has been going on for an hour and hardly anything has happened. There are plentiful long, still takes of Joanquin sitting down; pondering and agonizing. It's emotive but can slow things to a crawl.

You Were Never Really Here is too artsy for its own good. It tries to be a decent thriller but overloads the script with too much innuendo and art-house to make for a compelling movie.

A Quiet Place (2018)

The nitpicking from users reviewers is moronic.

[10/10 · 11 July 2018]

A Quiet Place is a fantastic thriller; full stop. Excellent pacing, acting, tension, and heart, it has everything you want from the genre.

What I don't get is the nitpicking from people who think this movie should have been 3 hours long with all the lore spelled out. Given that the characters can't, you know, talk, how would the director convey this information without it coming off hackneyed? A Bruckheimer/Michael Bay explanatory moment would cheapen the film.

Hint: It doesn't matter where the creatures come from, it doesn't matter why the international military couldn't stop them, or why they didn't know supersonic weapons destroy, or why they could kill one at the end with a shotgun, or even why the movie wasn't an extra hour long with a mini-Starship Troopers ending. NONE OF THIS WOULD HAVE MADE THE MOVIE BETTER.

Maybe there's some online fan-fiction that explains, like the Trekkies that speak Klingon. I don't know and I don't care, the movie stands up well on its own.

Death Wish (2018)

A polarizing movie with the truth in the middle.

[6/10 · 11 July 2018]

Death Wish is just a standard revenge flick, a remake of the Charles Bronson classic. That's it. It's not a marketing stunt by the NRA, it's not fabulous fan-service that the pinky-lifting critics 'don't get it', it's just a dumb action movie with some flaws.

This also isn't a white guy killing a bunch of minorities either. There's nothing really racially insensitive either. And ya I'm sorry some whack jobs have gone on shooting sprees recently but PEOPLE SHOOTING OTHER PEOPLE WITH GUNS IS KIND OF WHAT HOLLYWOOD DOES. If this bothers you maybe you're watching the wrong movies.

First, Bruce Willis is really muted here and phones in most of his lines. When he's not vigilanteying and instead emoting it's painful to watch. Unfortunately Vincent D'Onofrio plays Bruce's brother and essentially makes up for Bruce's underacting by overacting and it's just as bad.

There's a bit of a commentary on gun culture but it's more parody than satire. This is a straightforward flick without much pretense. It has some moments that make you wonder if it isn't a complete parody (the bowling ball and bathroom scene namely) but in the end Death Wish is just an average revenge flick. Not so average it's bad, but a good Sunday-afternoon-nothing-else-to-do average.

Good Time (2017)

A dark, dreary film bereft of light and hope

[5/10 · 16 June 2018]

Good Time is a movie about awful people doing awful things and you hope awful things happen to them. There are few redeeming characters in the movie and the ones that exist have awful things happen to them. At times their imbecility is humorous, but much of it is agonizing.

It's a low budget spastic movie, but the story is basic: An incompetent bank robber tries to steal/con/borrow $10,000 to bail his brother out of jail over the course of a day/night. He makes a series of terrible decisions (both practically and morally) to come up with the money, and all the while you'll be hoping he gets what he deserves.

That may be Good Times biggest strength; making a protagnoist so unlikable but still so human. You're not rooting for the guy, but he's not a caricature either. I knew nothing about Robert Pattison other than his infamous Twilight role, but he performs well here. This is a dark, dreary film bereft of light and hope. So I guess if you're into that, be my guest.

Cobra Kai (2018–2025)

An 80s spinoff that works.

[9/10 · 3 June 2018]

There's no shortage of Hollywood remakes, reboots, reimaginings, whatever. Most of the time they take an existing franchise and 'modernise it', which usually means "crapify it".

Cobra Kai, while technically a sequel, is much more of a stand alone product. It extrapolates the first movie 30 years into the future to create new but more complex story arcs that are only possible in TV format. It pays homage to the first movie, but characters are far less black and white. If you're looking for good guys vs bad guys this ain't that movie. Don't worry, your favorite rivalry still exists but it's more nuanced and interesting.

You know when you were watching the Last Jedi, how they took the actual actor from 30 years ago and put him in this amazing role, and kind of just soured a good memory you had from a beloved series? Well not this time. The actors & characters from the series are given the respect and complexity the character deserves, with actual emotions and motives that make sense.

It helps the movie is often wickedly funny. While it doesn't try to be too serious, there's enough heart and believable characters to make this work.

Put all the other sequels in a body bag, this is the real deal. Highly recommended.