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Witches of the Caribbean (2005)
Truly terrible... don't ever watch it twice.
This one sucks on so many levels it's hard to describe. The story surrounds a bunch of teenagers having group therapy on a Caribbean island. They all have the same dream of a witch being burned alive by some guys in hoods. Now why did I even give it 1 goblin head? There are three reasons.
First the main guy from the dream. I haven't seen such a stupid expression for a long time. Then the first killing. This scene is remarkably stupid and in my opinion the only interesting scene in the movie. With sounds of heartbeat in the background we see a guy in underwear walking around dark places for a few minutes and then getting his heart pulled out. You can even see blood coming from other directions. Great stuff. Finally the last factor. A monumental movie montage of flashbacks featuring scenes from the whole movie up to that point and a group of badly dressed youngsters walking on the beach accompanied by very disgusting rave-pop-techno music. It lasts 2 minutes. Astounding. I think the dream flashbacks appear at least 100 times during the film, but this scene tops it off. If you're in need of completely useless flashbacks go see this movie. I was amazed.
After watching it the second time with a can in case I get an urge to vomit, a deep realization of how bad were the story and ending came to mind. "Your love is pure, you can save Angela," says the female doctor to the good guy. You can not imagine the tone of her voice saying that line. Shocking. Just like when at the ending we see Angela getting green eyes. Hope they make a sequel.
I really tried to find this entertaining but nope it just plain blows some major gas. The killings are notoriously forgettable with blood spurting all over the victim without known reason. I know we all love to see good amounts of blood in movies but believe me it's hardly satisfying here. Just remembered one good scene when Angela is drinking Tequila. Oh the face, oh my god.
The effects are what's to be expected in cheap video production so I won't venture there. Music? Where's the vomit can... Hmmm what about the therapy sessions? I actually liked their stupidity. The dialogues are a league of their own especially during the therapy. Cutter is definitely the best character there. A steroid mass without a brain. Got my hopes high for nothing when I thought there would be more dialogue with him. Damn.
I have no more energy to write about this piece of garbage any more. It's bad but not fun. Don't watch this unless for some masochistic reason like I did. 2 times people. Maybe I should go for some Caribbean therapy.
Originally written for http://www.bad-good.org
Boa (2001)
Dean Cain sucks
Boa rules. It stinks so much that I really started to like it. Full of such incomprehensible idiocy that you will simply stare and wonder is it you who is really in need of treatment. They even classified it as horror. That's already funny.
Okay we have the New Alcatraz located somewhere in the antarctic below the ice. It's interiors are really huge (lot's of halls) but actually have nothing to do with prisons. Are they gonna put the prisoners in giant standing lines through these halls? Great stuff is that it's for prisoners from all over the world and, although it just opened, it only has 6 of 'em! And they're supposed to be the worst of the worst. Yeah right! Dean Cain is more terrifying than all of 'em together. So imagine you are the warden of this complex and in the middle of a drilling through stone procedure, the drill expert says we shouldn't continue 'cause it could all blow up, what would you say? Off course it would be: "continue to drill" because otherwise a giant prehistoric snake preserved in pure nitrogen gas wouldn't come out! Basically all character reasoning in this movie doesn't make much sense to me. That's what I really like here. The characters are really shown as retards.
Two biggest holes of this movie are Dean Cain and the snake Boa itself. Firstly Dean Cain who is supposed to be the main character and ends up being overshadowed by a much less known actor who stars as one of the prisoners. What I mean is that obviously Cain just took the role to make extra bucks, "acted" his role and went home. The guy probably thinks he's famous after starring superman. Yeah right. The prisoner guy thus comes out as the hero of the flick and dies in the end. You can even sense some sort of laughable sympathy towards that character. I really respect these b-grade actors who at least take things seriously and act as they act and give us something to laugh about unlike Cain who is simply annoying. Now about the snake. First of all the film makers rely too much on the low budget cgi effects and thus everything is dark and you can barely see Boa. Disappointing. Also, one of the funny things in this movie is that most of the people die by explosions they themselves caused, much less from Boa. Could this be some sort of hidden message about true human nature? A philosophical under layer created by the screenwriter? If so I'm Merry Poppins.
Basically I would divide the movie in two parts: the first 45 minutes and the last 45 minutes. The first is really fun in it's badness 'cause there's not too much Cain and more unknown bad actors, especially the prisoners and one guard who's a real chicken. The last 45 minutes are kinda boring, Boa being almost invisible like in the whole movie and too much big empty halls which still fascinate me.
Well Boa is bad but can be enjoyable. Some dialogues are simply too bad to be true as that also goes for some scenes. Guys this is New Alcatraz with only 6 prisoners and a prehistoric snake. Damn this is really astoundingly retarted.
originally written for: http://www.bad-good.org