LuxuriousWoman Reviews

American Honey (2016)

I'm weirdly on the fence

[4/10 · 29 December 2022]

Usually when I review a movie, I know my opinion of it at the end. I know when I really hate a movie, and I know when I really like a movie. I even know when I think it's sort of good or not that bad. This movie, was confusing.

I do like how it's a glimpse into a group of people, left behind by the American Dream. Living in poverty but taking it step by stop. It's a microscope on an unprivileged group that we don't really talk about, outside of election season I guess. Usually, they're at the back of my mind, which is due to me being a privileged woman living a middle class lifestyle. This movie sort of forces me to confront that reality. Kids digging through trash cans, being forced to sell magazines for an abusive boss. Even despite that harsh lifestyle, they seem to have fun for the most part. There is a comradery among the group. They feel like a group of friends, and they sing as they go from town to town and state to state.

Unfortunately, it loses its novelty the more the movie drags out. Sure, I do like a microscope onto an unprivileged group, but when you take away that novelty, it's a 3 hour film following a group of unlikable people. They do have a comradery, but they're also racist and gross. So much misogyny, so many trashy actions like flashing their private parts and having sex in other people's yards. How they talk about sex is crude. All of those gross actions stretched out for 3 hours. Yeah, it loses its novelty fairly quick.

The Rising of the Shield Hero (2019– )

Even when you strip away the politics, this anime still fails

[1/10 · 6 February 2021]

I have a confession to make: I'm a liberal. So there are obvious things that bother me about this anime. Yet, what if I told you that despite the obvious problematic elements of this anime, it still fails even without that crap?

Characters

Malty: she has the main guy for no reason at all. So Malty is basically "warning: this fanfic contains extreme Sakura Haruno bashing, so Sakura fans beware!" in a nutshell. You know those NaruHina or NaruSasu fanfics where Sakura is jealous and the villain? Where they basically amp up her flaws in show, plus add new flaws, and completely throw away her positive traits. Only she's more fleshed out than Malty because she at least has a motivation for being cruel. Let that sink in, Malty is less fleshed out than fanfiction written by 14 year old girls.

Main character: There's nothing wrong with him, it's everyone else who is bad! That's the main guy in a nutshell. Instead of learning how to actually trust people and to get over it after a girl betrayed him, he goes on to hate every woman and can't trust anyone. Dude, it was legit one girl that screwed you over, calm down. He becomes so bitter that he buys a slave girl that physically can't disobey or betray him, instead of learning how to trust and build a healthy relationship because that actually requires good writing! He's also a hypocrite to boot. First episode, he's disgusted by the other 3 heroes for wanting money to help and wants to help people out of the kindness of his heart. However, after one girl betrayed him he became just as greedy by demanding payment from a poor village to get rid of their famine, and he does it because he doesn't want to be taken advantage of (hmm). So when the heroes want payment for their work, they're cold hearted and greedy. When he wants payment for his work, he's okay because he doesn't want to be taken advantage of. Double standards, what's that?

Heroes: they're all the same, it's just that some are more dumb than others. Though it's hypocrisy with the main character and spear hero. MC is sympathetic for falling for Malty's deception, yet spear hero is the bad guy for getting tricked by her? Hypocrisy, what's that?

Harem: yep, this is a harem. Wait, you mean you thought that NaruHina fanfiction was about Naruto and Hinata? No silly, it's NaruHarem! Basically, this anime disguises itself as a fantasy and action anime based on rpgs, but it's really just a harem. Future anime writers, please drop the pretenses and admit that this is loliharem crap so people like myself can avoid it. Thanks!

Plot

So we finally get to the thing that makes this stupid. So this game is based on RPGs and MMORPGs. However, there has never been any RPG where the tank and support have no offensive capabilities. This is a flat out lie, and it shows this anime is stupid because it doesn't even get the basics right. However, it's not trying to get the basics right, it's simply making harem with rpg slapped on to make it more relatable. More on that point, here would be the ACTUAL weapons: sword and shield (tank), spear/daggers (close ranged dps), bow and arrows (ranged dps) and spell book/magic staff (healer). Each class would have dps, but some less than others. Healers have less damage and so do tanks because healers focus more on healing and curing their teammates, while tanks focus on soaking up damage for the team. Now to give them credit, they do get one thing right. People don't want to be the support or tank. Most people just like to go "stab stab and pew pew!" as a damage. They could've used that for conflict. Let me explains. Games will give incentives to tank and heal such as extra rewards for playing those roles, plus you naturally get shorter wait times to complete a dungeon. DPS roles however get more supporters because people like how flashy they are. So it can cause jealousy with the spear and arrows guy being jealous of their rewards, while healer and tank guy are jealous of how many supporters they get. That's way better than "a random girl accuses him of .... and we believe her!"

This anime is a failure. The characters are poorly written. The MC is never wrong and will even be a hypocrite about it at times. The premise is stupid and would never happen in any game.

Aladdin (2019)

It's not the original, but it's not trying to be

[7/10 · 24 January 2021]

So Disney is obviously looking to make some easy cash by remaking their classic animated movies from the 90s, but as a live remake. The movie is actually solid, and one of the better live remakes actually. Great things were how they did the Genie and put their own spin on the story. Bad thing was, I don't think the guy that played Aladdin was very strong.

With Robin Williams being dead and having put his signature on the role, it was hard enough to think of someone for the role. Will Smith actually did a great job! Once you get past the obvious auto-tune and how jarring it is for him to look like the Genie. Like I kid you not, it was very weird when he first came on screen as the Genie, much like the trailers. That's part of why I think it got such a bad reputation because he looks like a meme in the worst of ways when he first comes on screen. Though his charisma and jokes puts that on the back burner and you actually get used to him in his role. The route they took with his character and Will Smith's take on the role was genius. You can't compete with Robin Williams, but you can get away from that put your own touch on the role. Will Smith did just that, which I think was the smart thing to do.

How they changed a few scenes and added more story and gave us great scenery, it was great. They didn't try to compete with the original movie, they recreated it, but they put their own touch on it. That's the smart thing to do with a classic. You keep the parts that everyone likes, looking at you Mulan, while also not copying it word for word, looking at you Lion King.

The only bad thing is, Will Smith looked a bit weird in the beginning. Seriously, he's a meme for a reason, but to be fair to him, you get used to it pretty fast actually. Another thing is that the actor for Aladdin could've been better. He just doesn't have 'it' I'm afraid.

The Rental (2020)

What even was the purpose?

[3/10 · 8 September 2020]

I'm going to have a fun time ripping this movie to shreds! It basically answers no questions. It's the flaws of every modern movie with bad writing, but they excuse it by saying "it's like real life. Sometimes we don't know the answers and sometimes there is no motivation!" That is an excuse. This is a movie, a work of art. I want to know the answers and I want to know the motivation. This is a lazy attempt at writing a random killer without giving a background.

Now you can have a killer with no actual facial connection. You can have those mysterious movies. A movie called "Unfriended: Dark Web" had a great motivation. Basically, it was a secret elite force. Now that movie was hot garbage in other ways, but it was the correct way to have a killer with no connection or much interaction with the main cast. Or something that has the answers for yourself. Like Forest Gump, where it's implied that Jenny finally became free like a bird at the end of the movie.

This didn't do either of those things. We never find out who the killer is. We don't understand why he's doing it. This movie just wants to make a slasher without giving us answers to the plot.

Geostorm (2017)

Cliché after cliché.,, But it's fine

[5/10 · 30 November 2017]

I actually watched this with my family for Thanksgiving. It turned out to be a decent movie. My critique is that they get rid of clichés and gimmicks. This movie has a great concept, it doesn't need any of the extra BS to make it great; the extra stuff drags it down anyway.

I wanted them to go into the conspiracy theory aspect of it or do what the potential could be. Spoiler Alert: we already have equipment like this anyway. It's in the military. Why do you think most disasters happen to places with mostly people of color. *puts on tinfoil hat*

I'm a slight tinfoil hater and have no shame. *shrugs* Anyway, they could have done that, or show how they could abuse their power and use it in war tactics. Explore how WW3 could cause a Geo storm when multiple countries get technology like this. Instead they went into romance, the father leaving his family cliché, brothers feuding cliché, and everyone coming together in the end. This is a great movie on it's own! It doesn't need that!

Sleepless (III) (2017)

This is a bad action movie

[1/10 · 18 April 2017]

My family wanted to see a movie on Saturday, the day before Easter. I decided to show them this movie because: they like action movies and it has black people (particularly Jamie Foxx). I thought it would be similar to the black Taken with a few extra changes, and since Taken is a great movie, I thought, "why not?" I shouldn't answered with, "because this movie sucks."

The Plot is generic and a clash of Taken, with good-cop bad-cop tropes, and annoying characters.

Characters

The characters were annoying and flat.

His Son: he was a brat that made poor decisions; he's trying to get away from the bad guys in the club, and he decides to yell at some guys blocking his way. Smart kid...

Gabrielle Union: Jamie Foxx's ex wife that only gets in the way and calls at the worst times possible.

T.I.: Nothing much to say about him. He plays the "turns out to be bad" person like he did in several other movies.

The drug dealers: the more violent one was very dumb (how do you not check your "package", before leaving? The other guy, why would you trust Jamie Foxx when his friend is the one who stole from you in the first place?

David Harbour: he turns out to be corrupt. That is all.

Michelle Monaghan and Jamie Fox are the most dynamic characters. Jamie Foxx is an honest cop going undercover to do a huge bust. The bust is taking 2 years, and still pending, and requires overnight hours that put a strain on his marriage. He has to take care of his son, but his friend stole something from the drug dealers that gets him in trouble. He becomes one of the worst action leads in this movie. You know how I said I hated John Wick because Keanu Reaves was invincible? Yeah, this movie made me appreciate it that much more. Invincible action leads ARE annoying, but leads that get their butts kicked until the very end of the fight are just as annoying. I also like how he doesn't feel much pain in his fights, but he feels a jolt of pain when he wants to get away (talk about bad timing).

Michelle Monaghan is the most unlikable character in the movie. Her story is that she's a female cop, which is a male dominated field. To add insult to injury, she got her butt kicked by some random meth- head, and she feels like she has to overcompensate to make up for it. She got cleared by the psychologist, spends the whole movie stalking Jamie Foxx, and randomly became suspicious of the Casino Owner. Sure he WAS bad, but how did she know? All she saw was him meeting up with a guy that could have been there to do legal business.

Confessions of a Shopaholic (2009)

One of those bad RomComs

[3/10 · 27 March 2017]

I actually tried hard to like this movie, I really did. The thing is, RomComs are generally bad with a few gems. It's super weird since Romance by itself is very good, and Comedy by itself is really good. For some reason, they just can't mesh well together. This is because bad RomComs are either super annoying, or they go from RomCom to a torture porn fest. It's actually unsettling.

Without further ado, let's jump into this review.

Rebecca is the opposite of Andy from The Devil Wears Prada. She is a girl, who has a passion for fashion, working at some random gardening place with a dream of working for this huge fashion magazine. Unfortunately her job goes to Alicia, and she has to settle for a job at a financial magazine (under the umbrella as her favorite magazine if I remember correctly). The thing is, her job is writing a column about giving people financial advise when she's a shopaholic that's thousands of dollars into debt because of her habit. This movie then turns into a torture porn that doesn't make any sense:

Why does Alicia hate her so much? They hardly even met, and as far as Alicia goes, Rebecca is Luke's co-worker. Despite all of that, she literally got pleasure from seeing Rebecca get embarrassed at the event. It's not even logical.

Derek, the credit card guy, is being a creepy stalker for no reason what so ever. Why harass her? Doesn't he have a life or any other victims to hunt down?

The most disgusting scene was when Derek stalked Rebecca on her show and asked her those humiliating questions about debt on national television. This is when RomComs go from slapstick humor, to full on torture. Nothing is funny about a girl being torn to shreds on national television and having to fight back tears. Take in mind that the only crime in this movie that Rebecca has done is shop excessively and lied, yet she gets more torture than a girl who makes fun of other girls and her own career and a girl that played puppet master to some random girl she just met just to get an ego boost. I'm done.

Get Out (I) (2017)

So many nuances and an intriguing movie

[10/10 · 16 March 2017]

I generally write notes before I review movies just to spark a bit of a memory while I'm reviewing it. I couldn't during this movie because it was all very interesting and I couldn't stop watching it. I'm basically going to do slight symbolism (I have to watch it again to analyze it thoroughly. Even then I wouldn't fit it all on here), and the characters.

My first thought was to be annoyed at the black guy in the beginning. I never got why he went to a racist suburb, where black people were disappearing in, without a car, friends, or even some kind of protection. Did they HAVE to meet there? Couldn't y'all go to your place or at a hotel?

As we get pass that part, then we go to the characters and symbolism.

Chris: the main character, a black guy, who's getting ready to meet the parents of his 4-5 month girlfriend.

Rose: Chris's girlfriend and a girl that lures black people at the house to keep them as slaves.

Her parents: racist liberal people who hypnotize and keep slaves.

Rose's brother: a guy who's racist and insecure; constantly talks of masculinity.

Chris's friend: a TSA guy who warns him about white people.

Black workers: people, lured by Rose, that are forced to stay and have had their brain switched for Rose's grandparents.

White Liberals: Many people think of racist white people as the Republican voting Trump lovers. That's only a group of racist people. You have to ones who are liberals, but they still hold racist views and push racism with gentrification. They're also the ones who were complaining about their kids going to black schools, and they push for racist Gerrymandering. I mean...

Black bodies and stereotypes: This is an interesting one. The obvious one is keeping them as workers who never complain. Another one is the white men talking to Chris about sports while the white women talk to him about his "parts." The conversations are deeper though. They don't really care to interact with black people outside of the stereotype of workers and sports people. "you play (sport)?" "No." "Really? Well, (black athlete) is really good." They couldn't fathom talking to him outside of sports.

The deer: Running over the deer and having animal control deal, which mirrors his mother getting run over. Rose's dad giving a speech about the deer destroying the Ecosystem.

Speaking of that, tone. The dad may *seem* liberal because he voted for Obama twice and liked Jesse Owens, but his tone seemed rough and it literally went to my collar bones. The subtle things like tone and movement really make this great with the micro-aggressions.

Wokeness: the black people hypnotized are there, but not "there." It becomes obvious when Chris flashes his camera, and breaks Andre from the spell. Andre yells at him to "get out" in desperation. Also... Chris isn't really "woke." He brushes off the weird stuff as, "maybe (black worker) has a crush on you Rose." "Maybe (black maid) doesn't like me dating (white woman)"

White women: as stated above, the black woman not liking him goes back to her being jealous of the Rose. He never thought it could be anything else. Rose calling for help with the cop car made EVERYONE nervous and that's due to her white female privilege of being thought as fragile. The cop backed off when she asked because they listen to white women.

John Wick: Chapter 2 (2017)

Basically action porn

[4/10 · 16 March 2017]

I felt a bit too harsh on the other review, so I went in with an open mind. Besides... It was either this or Logan. Both had terrible plots, but this one had more action. I decided to go in with an open mind and it was still terrible.

This movie basically screams self insert and ego boost rolled up into one. John Wick, an average looking white guy, is the toughest guy around. Everyone is scared of him, and he shoots through guys like butter. The action scenes are amazing and great!

The problem? Everything else. This movie tries to be moral, which is very insulting since NONE of the characters are moral or even likable. Let's get into this!

Plot: Paper calls Rock to crush Scissors. Rock has to do it because Paper covered for him that one time. Rock kills Scissors and now wants to kill Paper. That's actually the plot.

John Wick himself: an OP guy that everyone's scared of. "You'll regret going after him! He's super tough and invincible!" "John Wick the Legend and myth himself!" Yeah, this movie is an ego boost to the guy who self inserted himself. This movie praises John Wick like he's the best assassin in the world and no one can kill him. This certainly rings true because even when he's bloody, bruised, and limping, he still manages to have his full strength. He certainly goes through his fair share of torment, but I just can't root for him. John Wick causes most of his own problems. He doesn't care about the rules (he killed someone in a safe spot), so why didn't he just kill his Marker at the beginning? I'll tell you why. John Wick loves killing people and gets a hard on for it. This is why I can't root for him because he's a terrible person. I can't root for John Wick over the villain because that would make me a hypocrite. He manages to be more unlikable than the villain because John Wick is going around killing and shooting at other people and terrorizing people. The main villain only killed and hurt his sister, who was just as much of a jerk as the villain, and John Wick, a guy who goes around killing random people.

Then the end is infuriating with very little relief. "It has been a pleasure Mr. Wick" Really? Killing someone in a safe spot really ruined your reputation and killed any potential business just because he couldn't hold his temper.

Overall, this movie blows. Unlikable protagonist that manages to be even more unlikable than the villain and stupid business men. It's an action porn, so don't expect anything else. The only reason this movie gets a 4 instead of a 3 like the last one is because they had a scene where John Wick unlocked an old lock using an old key. I love watching that and wish there were more videos on it.

Kong: Skull Island (2017)

Characters weren't good, but it's still a great movie

[8/10 · 13 March 2017]

Kong: Skull Island is about some guy having a hollow Earth theory with monster running around rampant. He enlists a few people to travel with him and they discover the place. They soon discover a great threat that they are outmatched by.

Kong: Skull Island is set after the Vietnam War. Americans were pulling out, but a guy wants to explore Skull Island. He gets some S-Class military people, some scientists, and a photographer to help him.

The bad

Characters: You had some soldiers that were practically frat boys and the comedic relief. I actually liked them, but they were stereotypical. You had some loner white guy that's entitled. He thinks that just because he's strong, he doesn't have to pay for anything. What a prick! His obvious love interest in the journalist woman. Nothing new there. You have the dorky smart man, that's black, and his love interest, an Asian woman. You have the general, Samuel Jackson, that's unlikable and crazy for revenge. Next is the guy that's been on the island for a while, who's also the comedic relief and voice of reason. The characters are stereotypes and unlikable, but the movie manages to be good in spite of this.

The action is very good and well paced. There is never a dull moment and it does what an action movie is supposed to do. You even have the revenge seeking guy, Samuel Jackson, who was willing to get himself and his men killed just to exact revenge on King Kong. When they asked him what he'll do about the lizards killing everyone, he just said he'll kill him too. How? You used most resources to kill King Kong, and he didn't even die. Y'all got whooped by the babies, how will you kill the mother? King Kong himself was originally the enemy, until the old WWII soldier explained that Kong protects the people from the skull lizards. Kong was just angry that they bombed the place (seriously, it's not cool to bomb new territory) and woke up the lizards. At the end, we get an epic battle of King Kong vs the biggest skull lizard and it was epic.

You even have sad moments with neither of the deaths going in vain and you feel the island people's pain when the WWII soldier leave.

Unlikely alliances are formed because of the situation. The WWII American soldier worked with the WWII Japanese soldier in order to survive. The people aligned with King Kong when a bigger threat presented itself.

It's a great movie and I would recommend it to anyone. Those two hours go by fast with great moments and action.

Akame ga Kill! (2014)

Great art and music... That's it

[3/10 · 13 March 2017]

Akame ga Kill is basically about a boy from a small village, Tatsumi, wanting to work for the capital in order to send money back to his village. His dreams are crushed when he realizes that the empire is corrupt and the rich killed his best friends. He joins up with Night Raid, a revolutionary army of assassins designed to fight against the empire, in hopes to getting rid of that corruption.

The Good

Nothing really new about the plot itself, just a corrupt government and the people rebelling. A new idea was the imperial arms that the empire, about a 1000 years ago, created so his empire will prosper. The anime itself had great animation and art style. The well drawn characters and background and the fluid movement all make this a beautiful anime. Even the beautiful imagery present throughout this anime was beautiful and excellent. The music was very good and really shaped the mood at times.

The Bad

I felt like the art and music was wasted on this anime. Even the idea of the imperial arms could have been moved to a better anime. My, where to start...

Pacing: this is a basic story, but they manage to screw it up. Each episode felt like filler with fight scenes. I didn't even feel bad about the characters because they would kill them as soon as we got to know them.

Characters: they were horrible stereotypes. You have the average protagonist guy, the cold assassin, the tsundere, the leader, the best breasted wild girl, the wild older bro type, the clumsy girl with glasses, and the perverted comedic guy. At least, I think the guy with the green hair was supposed to be the funny stereotype, they didn't flesh him out enough. Let that sink in. They didn't flesh out a character enough for him to be a STEREOTYPE. I also didn't like Esdeath because of her weird crush on Tatsumi. It would have been interesting if she had a crush on Bulat or even Najenda to create something interesting. Nope, it has to be the main character (because we all know this is a self-insert). Seryu had this weird twisted obsession with justice while killing people for stealing a few items. Chelsea was also a horrible person because she picked on Mine for NO reason, it wasn't even logical.

Tone/Genre: This anime doesn't know what it wants to be. Does it want to be a dark fantasy? A comedy and action anime? A romantic comedy? A harem? Pick a genre and stick to it! Tatsumi's friends died and seconds later we have slapstick of him joining Night Raid. Each time a character dies, we have a light hearted scene playing right after. Even after Tatsumi died at the end, characters were talking about him coming back, like the writers wanted to have some sick ironic joke.

Everything, except the art and music, sucked. I almost rated it lower because of the art and music being wasted on this crap.

Split (IX) (2016)

It was good, then it got bad

[3/10 · 13 March 2017]

This was an interesting concept, but writing ruined it. You have a guide with mental illness that caused him to have 23 different personalities. An interesting thing is that people with multiple personalities were able to change their body chemistry. Only one of the personalities needed to take shots, and the strength varied with each personality.

The three girls are captured and put in his dungeon like thing. They are constantly trying to think of ways to escape, while the guy is worried about keeping them there and going to his therapy sessions. His therapist is fascinated with how they can change their body chemistry and she wants to keep an eye on him.

It sounds so interesting! Then, where did it all go wrong?

The characters. The girls are dumb and make many mistakes. They should have teamed up to jump him, but they never think of that. They find a secret way out, only for him to capture the girl that got out and separate her and boarding up the exit. The black girl, or mixed, hit him with a chair and tried to escape only to be captured and separated. Now they are all split up and can't plan together because they didn't work together.

The main girl, Kasey/Casey/whatever, ended up tricking his 9 year old personality and called the front desk. She told the guy that she was kidnapped with her friends and the guy though it was a prank. Really? Who would prank someone like that? Also, shouldn't you check just in case it isn't a prank?The main Kasey girl finds a screw and gets out one room that way, but she's in another room that's locked. Kevin's (the main guy) therapist notices something is up and meets up with him. She meets up and excuses herself to use the restroom. She checks a room and sees a kidnapped girl there. Instead of calling the police, she stares in shock and it's enough for Keven to knock her out and put her on the couch. What a failure!

The blond one gets inspiration and looks around the room for something to get them out. Shouldn't y'all have done that before? Anyway, the black girl finds a hanger and tries to unlock it from the outside instead of picking the lock. Why? Anyway, Kasey is trying to contact the outside world with his computer, but the internet doesn't work. She watches videos of his different personalities for no reason what so ever. She eventually gets something heavy and starts trying to break the door down. Wouldn't it be better to look for keys or something to pick the lock? Kevin, the main guy, is on a train when he activates the 24th personality, the beast. The beast is super fast and super strong and spells trouble.

We go back to the girls and the black girl got the actual lock to the other side and she seems successful, but the beast is already back! The old lady gets back up, but her glasses are gone and she can't see. The best breaks her bones and goes to look for the other girls. Kasey gets the idea to remove the hat and we see the keys are there. Are you kidding me?! She unlocks the door and sees that the lady has been killed and her friends have been eaten. She says the guys full name, and he reverts back for a second, and she finds out that he has a shotgun. Her and the beast face off until the beast realizes that, like him, she has been abused as a child. He leaves her alone and the people rescue her. She gets picked up the the people and we see the guy she called, a black guy, make a face like, "Oh crap! My bad!" Yeah idiot, you got three people killed! I hope you're happy with yourself. The girl is to be picked up by her abusive uncle and it ends.

This was the most infuriating movie. The black guy could have sent help as soon as he got the call, but he didn't. Now three people died and all he could do was make a "Oh crap! My bad!" face. The therapist should have called the police as soon as she saw the girl, but she just stood there. The keys where under the hat the whole time, and Kasey could have saved like 30 minutes by getting the keys. Heck, she could have saved the therapist and her friends by breaking them out 30 minutes early and getting help.

Hatchet (2006)

Coming from someone who loves Horror movies, skip this one

[1/10 · 5 March 2017]

I generally love horror movies and tend to be biased in grading them, but I'm telling you to skip this one.

This movie starts off with two guys in a boat. They see an alligator and we cut to a group of friends and a Debbie Downer, or David Downer in this case. Apparently his best friend, the token black guy, is trying to take him to Mardi Gras to cheer him up.

Anyway, the movie continues when he walks away and his best friend follows him. Main guy complains that seeing the women, topless, just remind him of his attractive girlfriend who left him for a jock. I can't imagine why she left you. He drags his friend to a weird horror shop and Candy Man makes an appearance. They leave the shop because he's close and go to another tour guide place, with an Asian tour guide, and see a director and two random girls making an adult film. Didn't main guy just complain about shirtless girls? Now he doesn't care? They meet the tour guide and join the other tourists: an old couple and a random girl. Best friend is enamored with the brunette film star and they spend the ride flirting. Main guy likes random girl, but she tells him to screw off.

Tour guide is obviously full of crap, but they decide to go on a tour with him anyway. When they get on the boat they hear a guy shouting at them not to go. The guide ignores him saying that he's just a random guy who drinks his own pee. They speed off, and the movie shows the guy drinking his own pee. It's not funny, it's nasty, and was not needed. They crash into a rock and get off onto nearby land. As they do that, old man gets his foot bitten off by an alligator.

Later, best friend and tour guide asks random girl why she even brought a gun on the tour in the first place and she says that she won't answer a con artist. He admits that he's just looking to make money, and explains that he's done a tour before and it went okay. Tour guide asks again and she answers "my dad and brother were killed, so I got on the tour to find them. It's cheaper than getting my own boat." Blonde film star says it doesn't explain the gun, and random girl replies that the woods aren't safe. Old woman reminds them that her husband needs help. Group ponders staying, because they can't move him around too much, but random girl says they can't stay in the woods because these are "his" woods.

She then tells them a story about a guy and his deformed son (elephant man). Elephant man got made fun of by local children. He ended up dying because local teenagers were trying to see him, so they threw fireworks inside his house causing it to catch fire. The dad came home to open the door, but it wouldn't budge, so he used a hatchet; he accidentally kills his son and died of a broken house.

After the story, everyone is freaking out and wanting to know what to do. Some suggest they stay there and wait for help, but the random girl says that they can't because they're right in front of his haunted house. She says the road is behind the house, and the blonde girl says she doesn't want to go that way. The old couple decide to go that way to look for some help, and they discover a house (Elephant man's house), and Elephant man comes out to get them. The random girl pulls out a gun and waits until Elephant man kills them both before she decides to shoot him. Really?

The group freaks out because random girl told them that he was a ghost, and you shouldn't be able to shoot a ghost. In the midst of this, best friend has climbed a tree and says he sees city lights, but they're pretty far away. The brunette asks where the director is, and we (audience) see him running and Elephant man kills him. Answers that question. The group keeps going before best friend sparks an argument with tour guide, and they start fist fighting. Um? I'm pretty sure y'all don't have time to be fist fighting.

Group finds the directors bag and find out he's not a director, he's just a sick guy making films for his own amusement. They later find his body and mourn over him for a short time. I'm just going to keep the rest short. They all run around and the Elephant man kills the tour guide and brunette. They plan to set him on fire and he kills the blond. The remaining three run off and the best friend ends up dying. The main guy and girl get on a boat, she gets drug under water and he reaches for her. Dude, you've only known her for less than a day to be risking your life like that. The monster comes back and attacks them, the end. No, it actually ends that way.

Everything is just terrible. The plot makes no sense, the person with the best weapon sucks, and the ending was chopped up. The characters are terrible. The old couple are boring background characters that were upgraded in this movie. The best friend is the trope of the token black guy. The tour guide is just a con artist. The rest are just plain bad. The main guy and his love interest manage to be worse than a freaking con artist, and that's pretty bad considering that the movie WANTS us to hate the con artist.

A Dash of Love (2017 TV Movie)

Predictable, but okay

[5/10 · 2 March 2017]

The movie is about a woman who has to get a new job at a restaurant. Long story short: she likes the executive chef, owner is a secret jerk who tries to steal her recipes, and they end up happily ever after.

The main character annoyed me at times. She comes across as one of those "born in the wrong generation" people to be honest. She wants to get a job as a chef, when she doesn't even have an Associates Degree in culinary. She also has weird cooking techniques. I mean candy in dinner dishes? Really? Though overall, she was too bad. I would call her a Mary Sue, but her obvious flaw is her stupidity and being too pushy for her own good (forcing a guy to repair a relationship with his dad).

The main guy was generic for a love story. They meet, love tension is there, they get mad at each other one or two times, then they end up together at the end. Not much to say about him.

The friend girl. She's pretty useless as a character. Her and the friend boy are both useless. They are only there to tell a few jokes and move the plot along.

Overall, the movie was decent. I wouldn't rewatch it, but I don't regret watching it.

*****Edit*****

I feel like I didn't go into what annoyed me about her cooking enough now that I look back on it. Sure I said I didn't like the candy in dish aspect, but it's deeper than that. I've seen many shows, with quirky/unique characters, put various candy and snacks in their dishes to give it a unique taste. Please stop. Just, stop... I promise that you can make a unique tasting dish without any candy or popcorn, or chips.

Examples: My family makes chicken and dumplings using a whole chicken that we season. We also use chicken bouillon cubes for added flavoring, with homemade dumplings and our secret seasonings. A lady makes great cornbread dressing by added ten eggs and her mother actually boils the chicken and makes the chicken broth to add to the dressing. A guy I follow on YouTube makes 5 cheese macaroni in the oven and he actually grates his cheese and adds eggs and milk to the macaroni to make it creamy.

What I'm getting at is, you can make a unique and great tasting dish without adding candy. I seriously want to punch whoever started that trend (not really).

Also... She is lazy and never puts in the work to make her dreams come true. She wants to own her own restaurant, yet she didn't even go to a 2 year college to major in business and minor in culinary arts. Like, why?

Dead West (2016)

Waste of 2 hours

[1/10 · 25 February 2017]

Dead West is about a guy who kills women he meets because they disappoint him. He ends up killing a woman, which causes her brother to chase after him.

The beginning starts with him meeting the first woman in a bar. She leaves her brother in order to initiate conversation. They head outside to sleep together, but she doesn't really care to know his name which annoys him so he kills her.

He ends up leaving and sleeps at a random motel and hears a couple arguing. He knocks on their door to interrupt them. Really? I hope he's aware that couples do argue. He threatens the guy and makes him promise not to yell at her or hit her. I would buy his nice guy act, if he didn't kill a lady. What a hypocrite.

He leaves the motel and goes to a diner where he meets a waitress and flirts with her. She invites him to her house and they sleep together. She tells him about her dream to leave her small town. He asks why doesn't she just leave. She says that she doesn't really have the money nor the time. He calls her out and says that she's making an excuse and waiting for someone to sweep her off her feet with an angry expression. Um? Why are you this angry at a random woman you don't know? Why do you care? She never asked anyone to save her, she's just complaining. She tells him to leave lights a cigarette. He complains that he doesn't like cigarettes and she blows the smoke in his face. He ends up killing her. That goes back to where he was a hypocrite in the motel. You're mad at a guy for arguing with his girlfriend, but you're out here killing women for no good reason?

He once again leaves and decides to chill at a random park. He sees a redheaded older woman selling cups of tea for church. He buys the tea and pays her extra for it. Wait, how does he have all this money? The only thing he's done this entire movie is drive around killing people. He then sees a guy arguing with a little girl and the guy slaps her. The mom comes over, and it's implied that he's the mom's boyfriend. The main guy kills the guy and drives off. A few weeks later, the brother goes to that park after he heard about a murder taking place. He gets out of his car and asks the older woman if she was there during the killing. She says yes, and describes the man.

At a gas station, main guy is not able to get gas because the cashier says he can't. I don't remember the reason. He is about to kill her, until she says she has a daughter right behind her. Well, at least he won't harm children...

Main guy meets another woman at a bar and decides to go to a drive in movie theater. They have a chat about her wanting to be an actress, which leads him to confront her about sleeping with random men hoping to land a guy that will sweep her off her feet. She says that she's not dumb enough to do that because she doesn't want to leave the state to go with a random guy who could be a potential psychopath. HAHAHAHA! They go in the back of the car to sleep together. He kills her because she tells him to slow down.

Main guy goes to a bar and orders a drink. The brother goes to the bar and confronts him. Main guy drives the brother to a secluded area where they talk, and the brother is clearly not going to kill him. Main guy kills him

The main guy is about to go to sleep at a motel until he hears a woman crying. For someone complaining about damsels, he sure is attracted to them... He goes to see what's wrong, and it's revealed that the guy she was with left and stole her money. He offers her a place in his bed while he sleeps on the floor, because he's a gentleman. HAHAHAHA! The next morning, he wants to see the guy in order to get her money back, and she agrees. They converse in the car, and he tells her that his parents died when he was a kid; he ended up living with his grandmother, and got a huge amount of money when she died. That explains the money... He goes to the house and kills the guy. They go to a fancy hotel, since she got the money, and she tells him that she was a hooker. He reveals that he cut his fathers tires, to cause a wreck, but he accidentally killed his mother because he didn't know she would be in the car. She understands that he did that to his father because of the abuse and that he didn't mean to kill his mom. He also says that he left his fiancé, who we know he killed, because she was unfaithful and mean.

Time passes and they get married. They go back to the hotel, and he kills her because he says that this isn't his destiny. The movie ends with him driving off and having that smug grin that makes you want to punch him in the face.

... That's really how it ends. No closure of him being locked up or killed for his actions. No reason why he killed the last girl, who was literally perfect for him. No reason of why the FBI isn't involved. Nothing. It just ends...

Pandemic (2016)

Just a bad movie

[3/10 · 12 February 2017]

It is inspiring to how much this movie fails. It had a bit of everything bad in it. Despite that, I can't call this the worst movie I've seen (trust me it can get worse, try Bigfoot vs Zombies).

Unlikable Characters

Lauren: The worst character in a movie full of unlikable characters. At first she appears to be a doctor that's not cut for the field. Then she's revealed to be a liar who's purpose was to save her family. I understand it, but she's still a selfish and horrible character. You got your whole team killed just to save your daughter. Like I said, I understand it, but your daughter does not warrant your whole team being killed along with potential people that you can't treat.

Wheeler: you know the annoying white guy with a bad mouth. That's this guy. Plus he's lazy to boot. He didn't want to actually do his job, while simultaneously critiquing others. Sad thing is, I actually LIKE his character type. They generally provide the comedy, but I can't laugh at his jokes when he's just as useless as the others. Though he does come through in the end with his driving and hot wiring skills.

Dennis: She was useful at first, but then she got annoying. Her job is to kill the infected people along with Gunner. She also knows a bit about healing and using the first aid kit. She went to a school where they had to check for survivors, and got depressed that they killed an infected woman with a child (either stillborn or fake). Um? You kill zombies all day and everyday, what makes her different (blonde white woman)?

Gunner: My favorite of all characters. He got his instructions, and followed them. I also understood his frustration with Lauren because she couldn't do the one job she was assigned to do, and she couldn't even defend herself. Come on Lauren.

Terrible Plot

Woman basically lied and got her teammates, and potential other people who will need a doctor, killed to save her daughter.

Weird Camera angles

What's with this first person stuff? I feel like I'm watching someone play Call of Duty: Zombie mode, instead of a movie.

Just a bad movie all around. Unlikable characters, including main character, weird camera angles and POVs, and a terrible plot. Skip this one.

John Wick (2014)

Dumb movie that mostly appeals to men between the ages of 12-24

[3/10 · 7 February 2017]

Men are hypocrites...

If there was a romance movie with a shitty plot, but it had quality shots and beautiful people kissing and sexing a lot, then men would clown the movie.

However, this movie has a shitty plot with quality fighting scenes and famous actors, but men constantly praise it. I don't get it... Then again, the female equivalent is 50 Shades of Grey.

Anyway...

The plot is the stereotypical "Bad foreigners do something slightly bad to White American Man! He goes on a killing rampage to get revenge!" If you only care about mindless fighting and action that super badass, then this is the movie for you. If you actually want a decent plot, then you should skip the movie.

The only good thing about this movie is the action, and the acting itself isn't too bad.

Legally Blonde (2001)

Great movie for women

[9/10 · 18 January 2017]

The movie is basically about a sorority girl named Elle Woods who cares a lot about fashion and other stereotypical girly things. Her boyfriend ends up dumping her because he implies that he wants to marry a smart girl. She gets heartbroken and decides to follow him to Harvard Law School in hopes of winning him back.

Feminine and Power

I like how Elle isn't a character that's not like other girls (looking at you Andy from Devil Wears Prada). She likes girly things, and still ends up being one of the smartest characters in the movie. She's like the other girls, and that's okay. She helps other women around her as well improve their own lives. Elle ends up winning the respect of the strictest professor (also a woman) because she's a hard worker who doesn't give up and is intelligent.

A few nitpicks

"No movie is without sin" -CinemaSins

Elle saying she's discriminated against because she's blonde is inaccurate. Blonde women actually hold more positions of power despite brunette hair being more common, and the myth that blonde people are dumber. Blonde women are the standard of beauty in society, so no discrimination.

The 2000s was not a good time for the LGBT movement. We were still behind as a society during that time period with the stereotypes. We are still admittedly behind the times unfortunately. I say that to say that I hated how Elle knew he was gay because he knows fashion. The early 2000s and before tended to perpetuate the stereotype that gay men are fashionable and feminine (basically women in men's bodies), while straight men could care less about fashion and can't spot a designer's outfit at all.

Werner was a douchebag, but him not getting any offers is unrealistic. Wasn't his brother like some bigshot? Isn't his brother married to a woman from a famous political family (starts with a V)? His father pulled some strings to get him into Harvard Law School, so wouldn't he pull some strings to get him a job?

Overall

The movie was great and really empowering. They even had diversity with the black women at the salon, and a black female judge. The professor harassing Elle ended up in a bad position which is the opposite of actual society.

Clueless (1995)

Pretty good movie

[7/10 · 17 January 2017]

The movie is about a high school named Cher taking a girl under her wing and bringing her in the popular clique.

Characters

Cher is a shallow rich girl, along with her shallow friend Dionne, who's dating a popular guy named Murray. She has an ex stepbrother named Josh who's a freshman in college. The girl she takes under her wing is Tai. Tai has a crush on Travis. Her new gay best friend is Christian.

Critiques

I honestly am annoyed with Cher for most of the movie. She proves her stepbrother right, that she only does things to benefit her, when she takes Tai under her wing just to get an ego boost. She views Tai as a project and something to control (she controls her looks, who she dates, etc). I honestly don't feel bad for Cher when Tai gets more popular than her and becomes a shallow attention wh*re; she honestly wanted Tai to be a shallow b*tch, but now she mad that it backfired on her. She plays the victim when most of her problems were caused by her: her getting a C, Tai becoming more popular, the maid being mad at her, failing her driving test, Tai liking Josh, etc.

Then again, I also don't like Tai either. Her being a shallow snob is ironic considering that she cried about being rejected by a shallow snob. That blow she sent to Cher about being a v*rgin that can't drive was cruel and crossed the line. All Cher said was that they don't mesh and Tai took that to mean that Josh was too good for her. Um??? Two people not meshing does not hint to inferiority/superiority, it means that they wouldn't get along. I didn't go well with a guy that liked me because he was the type that would literally have an argument with me in public if he was mad enough, and I don't like having arguments or embarrassing moments in public. We didn't mesh because we conflicted and fought over that. Nothing to do with being too good for someone.

Though to give Cher credit, Josh is kind of too smart for Tai. Josh obviously wants someone who is intellectually simulating and creative/innovative. Tai was the type that let others mold her, so she isn't very creative to be honest. They wouldn't work out in the long run.

In the end, Cher actually redeems herself. She starts helping others because she cares, not because she needs an ego boost. Cher admits that she was wrong in the feud with Tai, and Tai also admitted that she was wrong as well. Cher also learned that there is good and bad in everyone, and to stop trying to change people! It's important to note that her debate teacher and the tree hugger got married in the end, so even if Cher set them up for selfish reasons, they still ended up happy because of her.

Overall

The movie was great. Even when Cher was unlikable, she was fabulous and hilarious. Her friend Dionne was amazing and fashionable as well. Josh was hilarious with his jabs at Cher. Christian was great as well, and he was beautiful. The only critique I would say is that Dionne didn't get much character development, and she's a main character. Josh also didn't get much character development either.

Two Moon Junction (1988)

Everything about this movie sucks

[1/10 · 16 January 2017]

It deserves less than a one to be honest.

Let's dissect this...

The woman

Why does she not want her husband? He's decent looking, rich, and nice. I guess he's pretty boring, but still. Why would she even want to leave him? I could honestly understand her if he were ugly, but he's not!

Also, I think she has low self-esteem, or she was sheltered. She is an attractive thin white woman with blond hair and blue eyes (standard of beauty) and she's rich. If she wanted an affair, she can have her share of attractive an decent men.

The guy

He doesn't take no for an answer, ugly, creepy, and a violent jerk. The first red flag was at the carnival, he wouldn't take no for an answer. Nothing annoys me more than a persistent guy that keeps on going after you have made it clear that you're either in a relationship or don't want him. I literally lied and said I had a boyfriend to a guy that was asking me out, and he questioned, "what's his name?" Like, screw off man, I don't owe you an explanation! Rant aside, this isn't romantic, this is plain annoying. I'm totally on the side of the rich fiancé.

He even broke into her house to take a shower, which is beyond creepy. She, however, decides to sleep with him. I also like how she was shocked later on that he was a jerk who flirts with random women. Like??? How is that shocking? He remained consistent throughout the movie, which is a jerk. At a point in the movie, I wasn't even mad at him anymore. She let him treat her that way.

What's with the movies of this time having grudge sex scenes and love of bad boys. *Looks up astrology transits of that time* Scorpio in Uranus, makes so much sense. Love of hot and cold, along with sex and fighting.

Edit: I hate this problematic trope. Get the boring and nice rich guy, or the mean, but fun, poor guy. Let's go into the surface of this. Not rich guys are boring and/or nice, and not all poor guys are mean and/or fun. Some rich guys love to travel and do fun events (outdoors, travel, eating, music, dance, etc). Some poor guys aren't into all of that. Then we go deeper. It's asking women to settle and implying that nice people are boring. Just because you're nice, doesn't mean you're boring. Plenty of nice people go out, socialize, do sports, dance, go to concerts, etc. Some boring people keep to themselves. It's also asking women to settle, and for the poor choice at that. When asked if I would have a nice boring rich guy or fun, but mean, poor guy, I would choose the boring rich guy. Sure he's boring, but I can use his money to have fun on my own if it comes down to it. Though I would mostly likely just get a wealthy guy that I have a lot in common with.

The Devil Wears Prada (2006)

Great movie, with a slightly disappointing end

[8/10 · 16 January 2017]

The Devil Wears Prada is basically a movie about a girl named Andy who wants to become a journalist for a famous newspaper. In order to do so, she decides to work as the assistant for Miranda Priestly, editor in chief of a fashion magazine. *Take in mind that she doesn't an interest in fashion, in fact, she hates fashion.* She juggles this job, her friendships, her relationship, all while taking an interest in her job and meeting an attractive man.

Characters

Andy and her friends/boyfriend annoy me.

Andy: Why would you get a job at a fashion magazine, if you don't like fashion? If you're so smart, why didn't you look up the name of your boss prior to the interview? She literally didn't know who Miranda Priestly was. My English and Business teacher taught us that we needed to research the company that you're applying a job for prior to the interview. It's important to dress appropriately for your career. If you don't care to dress fashionably, at least dress professionally. *Hint: A lumpy Sweater and hideous skirt are not professional! Try a button up shirt with a professional blazer, and a matching pencil skirt.* By the way... Andy did not work hard to get that Harry Potter manuscript, she simply knew the right guy to get it.

Her boyfriend: The glue that ties their relationship together is misogyny... I'm not kidding. Noah starts being an asshole as soon as he comes on the screen. Nash literally insults his girlfriend by joking that she couldn't get a job at a fashion magazine in person (granted, Nick has a point, but still). That time Numa literally celebrated his girlfriend almost quitting her job. That time he got mad that his girlfriend was late on his birthday when she informed him that she would be late. That time Neville said they don't have much in common now that she likes fashion and doesn't make fun of those girls; so the thing that brought them together was misogyny... Sad thing is she takes him back in the end.

Her friends: people who seem to get mad that she has a job and responsibilities.

The Ending

If the ending were up to me: Nigel would get his promotion, Andy would get a promotion in the fashion industry and end up with Christian Thompson, and Christian Thompson would not be a tool.

Sinbad: Legend of the Seven Seas (2003)

Horrible movie

[2/10 · 4 January 2017]

What's wrong? The whole movie to be honest.

You have a movie about a guy from the Middle Eastern story 1001 Arabian Nights, who lives in Italy, and Interacts with a Greek Goddess (Eris is the Greek name). Oh boy... First of all, if you can't be bothered to get the culture correct, then don't do it at all. The kids who are going to watch this movie are mostly in elementary school, they don't really know much about any of the mythology in the movie no matter what you write. The people who DO know mythology are going to be annoyed that you are mixing them up. Though I'll get off of the cultural mixing, because that's honestly the least of this movie's problem.

Let's move on to the worst thing about this movie. Sinbad, who's a thief, sexist, selfish, and a homewrecker. Notice a problem? Yeah, this is the main PROTAGONIST. The audience is supposed to root for the hero, so it's the job of the writer to make the main character likable. I'm not saying that Sinbad should be perfect, but he should at the very least be likable. The beginning starts him off as unlikable. A great thing to do would be to redeem his character in the middle of the movie. Instead, I'm more disgusted by him as the movie goes on. Sinbad goes from a selfish thief, to a selfish misogynistic homewrecker. Let me remind you, that this is the guy we're supposed to root for, how fun.

The ending of the movie becomes horrible simply because Sinbad got his happy ending and Eris lost. The sad thing about Eris is that she was right at the end, Sinbad didn't care about his friend. His friend laid his life on the line only for Sinbad to want to vacation to Fuji instead of rescuing his friend. He only changed his mind because the fiancé of his friend paid him to. Sinbad also started flirting with her in less than 10 days after he promised to rescue his friend. He also ended up taking her in the end. Tell me again, why I'm supposed to root for this guy?

Edit: This plays into a problematic trope that I loathe. Choose the boring nice guy or the adventurous prick. Um... You realize you can have a nice guy who's adventurous right? I hate the implication that nice people are boring. Also this trope is something that's been around for a long time. Bad boy vs good guy. They always encourage women to pick the bad boys. -_- I don't want a bad boy. They can only give a headache and stress. It's not fun to argue with them either. If you argue with someone for fun, then you aren't compatible, saying it here... If I have to choose between obnoxious frat boy and nerd, then I pick the nerd. Loud and cruel people annoy me. I don't care for nerds, but them over the frat boy/bully jock to be honest.