hamandcheesecroissant Reviews

The Nest (1987)

This Proto-Arachnophobia will have you Bugging Out (not really)

[4/10 · 13 October 2023]

Nestle down and adjust your expectations for one of the insanenest moving pictures you'll see in your button-down life. This proto-Arachnophobia will have you bugging out and checking your bed for creepy crawlies. Or maybe you'll just sigh and think, "So it's come to this."

Blonde woman returns to her small island hometown and reklindles a romance with her highschool sweetheart, the sheriff. But turns out the island is experiencing a roach problem. And these aren't like the roaches that infest my kitchen in droves because my crazy roommate stores old newspapers in the cupboards and doesn't wipe off the counter. No. These are aggressive flesh-eating roaches, born of an experiment being carried on by one of those evil corporations. Can our courageous couple put an end to these preternatural pests?!

This movie is sub-Roger Corman. The non-roach parts are "tedious. Very tedious." And contrary to the poster, the roaches are normal size. There may've been some minor animal cruelty to get certain shots, and the sheriff isn't likable for a few reasons. There is a pay-off, in the last 30 minutes which I won't spoil except to say that what the roaches kill becomes a roach hybrid. And those parts are cool. Oops. I spoiled it. 90 minutes. B movie horror.

I give it 4.4 out 10 boom shaka lakas!

Blade Runner 2049 (2017)

Like a Smoldering Ryan Reynolds

[7/10 · 13 October 2023]

Ryan Gosling has it all. He gets to shoot guys who aren't technically people. He has an attractive holographic live-in girlfriend who's programmed to genuinely like him. And he's totally hot, like a smoldering Ryan Reynolds. But when an unforeseen turn of events propels him into the unknown, only one man holds the key to a secret so incredible, it could change everything. And that man is your dad (Harrison Ford).

Welcome to the future, where it's always nighttime and raining. And the darkness is disturbed only by colorful holographic advertisements for companies that helped produce the movie. The streets of the future are bleak. And a big, naked, blue-haired giant flirts with little regular-guys.

What's real? What's not? Who am I? Who's that guy? What's going on and where did I park? Who are you? Oh. I know you. You're my friend.

Near-future dystopia noir, 163 minutes.

Chopping Mall (1986)

Chop Till You DROP

[3/10 · 13 October 2023]

Prepare to get mauled! Chopping Mall is a balls-to-the-mall, mall-or-nothing thrillride into the heart of American malls. It'll cost you an arm and a leg, and probably some other body parts too, but hey, at this mall, life is cheap. You like robots? Then siddown and listen.

Three generic, horny young men and one responsible, nerdy young man work at a mall and invite some 1980s girls to a little afterhours party. Having sex in the same room as one another seems to be taken for granted and nobody bats an eye (I think I would at least bring it up). Breasts are shown because this was toward the end of the Cold War. Turns out the KILLER ROBOTS that patrol the mall aren't functioning right because the plot requires it. And horny, young Reaganites start dropping like flies. They dies. But guess what. Nerdy guy and the one girl with a personality persevere. Basically what you do is blow up the robots using mall stuff. And then the world is safe and you can "do it."

We've struck a rich vein in the crappy horror mine known as the Wynorski lode. Not a lot of chopping going on in this "Chopping Mall" to be honest. Mostly lasers and poison darts and bullets. There's less suspense and anticipation than a date with me. We could forgive it all if the killer robots were interesting or the deaths more gruesome, but obviously a worthwhile movie just wasn't in the budget. If you're SHOPPING around for a horror film that's light on gore and heavy on cheesy moments, you might see what this one has IN STORE.

Campy scifi-horror, 77 minutes.

I give it 3.9 out of 10 Number Johnny Fives FROM MALL HELL.

The Wasp Woman (1995 TV Movie)

A Triumph of the Wynorski

[7/10 · 13 October 2023]

Wondering what all the buzz is about? Nestle in and adjust your expectations because Wasp Woman is one tv-movie that's bound to appeal to both the wasp and the woman in you. This remake of Roger Corman's 1959 "classic" was developed for Showtime in the mid-nineties, and how. Its all about babes, bugs, and shoulder pads. So if you're into sex with insects, looking to take the sting out of quarantine, or maybe you've just got the horror bug, give this tattered VHS copy a whirl.

The film opens with a prologue: a 1990s blonde woman, jogging in a white one-piece bathing suit, takes a wrong turn and is killed by a swarm of wasps. The mood set, we begin. Janice is a strong, female executive. She has built her cosmetics company from the ground up and always modeled its products. Now in her 40s, crass businessmen are telling her she's no longer the bee's knees. In desperation Janice becomes the first human test subject of an experimental anti-aging drug made from wasp hormone. But is looking 20 years younger worth occasionally transforming into a giant, murderous wasp? You decide.

A triumph of the Wynorski. Second to top-shelf so-bad-its-good. The acting is unintentionally entertaining. The production is like a softcore porn. And the special effects are practical and silly and spectacular. This film's monster could be a representation of the violent impulses otherwise repressed by powerful women striving in a male-dominated society. And spoiler: the wasp woman appears to be wearing a bustier. One thing that might bug you though--the ending is kind of a buzz-kill.

~90 minutes Campy horror 7/10 waspspspspspsps.

Wolf Girl (2001)

Like Hallmark Channel Original with Full Front Nudity

[6/10 · 13 October 2023]

What does a Romanian-Canadian made-for-tv movie look like? It's similar to anything you might see on the Hallmark or Disney Channel, slow paced and wholesome, but with slightly more transsexuals and full frontal nudity (male and female).

Note: this film features Tim Curry's swagger.

He plays a freakshow owner, and his main act is The Wolf Girl, an ordinary, uncomfortable teenage girl who happens to be very hairy. Some late-90s bullies give her a hard time, but luckily, and unluckily for her (tragic irony), she's Wolf Girl, and becomes even more so as events unfold.

This film has the tone of an afterschool special or Lifetime original movie, but with wolf girl boobs, mulitple male genitalia, and gruesome, bloody murders. It first struck me as subversive, but then I realized I'm just American.

It also treads that uncomfortable line between celebrating and marginalizing those who are different. As freakshows are wont to do. Take the scene where late-90s nerdy boy with cool hair (me) peeks in on an armless man making love to a woman, only to realize he's been spotted by a woman with no arms or legs, who's in a hammock.

Strange, and strangely wholesome. There's a moral to the story about honoring who you are. Heartwarming characters. There's a great Ani DiFranco song for the credits. And Tim Curry is in it.

I give it a solid 6.75 on the unexpected male nudity meter. Worth watching.

The Ghost Breakers (1940)

White with Fear

[3/10 · 13 October 2023]

In the mood for a Comedy/Horror/Mystery full of spooks, goofs, and half-truths? This cinematic time-capsule is a little tough to swallow. The Ghost Breakers treads that fine line between film classic and white privilege. Excavate deep beneath the alluvial plain of the civil rights movement to uncover this prewar artifact of a simpler, blander time. But in spite of how tedious it can be, there remains a kernel of Hope.

It opens with a pointless mystery involving several white people, one of whom dies. Bob Hope plays a radio personality who exposes the dealings of a mob boss. Paulette Goddard lives down the hall from said boss, and happens to inherit a haunted castle in Cuba <?>. The two meet and embark for Cuba with Bob Hope's "valet" in tow. Played by Willie Best, one of the first well-known black comedic actors, he steals the show as an overwhelmingly distracting reminder of the racial injustice of the time. In Cuba, they explore a lovely haunted mansion, discover lovely golden age zombies and ghosts, and solve the mystery of who killed that one guy from before. They make away with some treasure and Bob Hope proposes after knowing her for like 85 minutes. (spoilers)

That we shouldn't judge past works by modern standards isn't always realistic. I would've preferred to try and appreciate Bob Hope's delivery, comedic timing, hairline, bad jokes, persona, and influence. I struggled to focus on the golden-age horror atmosphere, zombies, ghosts, and weird, primitive special effects. But the elephant in the room is Willie Best as valet, and in context, all the other characters seem so entitled, ignorant, and white, in a bad way. Like the B plot of a Marx Brothers movie. The comedic and horror elements 'pale' in comparison. That might make it a historical artifact worth preserving, but I wouldn't want to live there.

~90 min I give it 3/10 seconds of there actually being a ghost on screen, and not a bunch of bland guys.

Leprechaun 3 (1995 Video)

Shillelagh shamrock potatoes and other broadly recognizable Irish things that can be incorporated into killing you ridiculously.

[4/10 · 13 October 2023]

There once was a movie so crappy, that watching it made you unhappy. But you soldiered through it, determined to view it, and et cetera. In Sin City, the luck of the Irish will make your dreams come true, and your nightmares. What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. But if it happens on what is obviously a cheap film set in Los Angeles, doesn't count.

A generic, weaselly, early 90s guy meets a bad actress as he passes through Las Vegas on his way to college. Simultaneously, a cartoonish Indian stereotype resurrects a cartoonish Irish stereotype and steals a piece of his gold. Hilarity ensues as the characters take turns chasing down this gold shilling for its wish-granting powers, only to meet gruesome and ironic deaths at the hands of Leprechaun 3. The unlikable early 90s guy gets bitten and starts to become a were-leprechaun or something. It's pretty good. Eventually these characters you don't like are triumphant.

Often hailed as the best of the series, Leprechaun 3 is no Citizen Cane. Nor is it Gattaca or Captain Ron. Different movie. Production is like a live-action Nickelodeon TV show. It's the most violent children's film I've ever seen. The acting and dialogue are at times laughably bad, but not often enough. The kills are surreal and entertaining- two of them so weird, it's almost worth watching. And Warwick Davis deserves an Oscar for his commitment to the role. If you're like me and remember feeling deeply disturbed by these movies as a kid, go ahead and try your luck.

~90 minutes I give it 4/10 shillelagh shamrock potatoes and other broadly recognizable Irish things that can be incorporated into killing you ridiculously.

Castle Freak (1995 Video)

"He's a castle freak. Castle freak. He's castle freaky." -Trick (or Treat) James

[8/10 · 2 October 2023]

A man's home is his castle. It's an idiom. All the more true when the person's home is an actual castle. Or so you'd think. Because this castle harbors a deadly secret- a freak. Not a cool freak like those sidekicks in 1980s teen comedies, but a mutilated and depraved Castle Freak! Driven by blind vengeance, trauma response, and sheer wretchedness, Castle Freak sets out to show a foolish American family who the real king of the castle is. (This Castle Freak is.)

Exposition causes an American family to abruptly inherit an Italian castle. It's a welcome diversion. Exploring broken battlements and going through other people's boxes is more fun than the aftermath of a car accident which killed their son, blinded daughter, and embittered mother toward her alcoholic husband. But this castle comes with it's own Freak - a sort of repulsive manifestation of the family's trauma. And you know how you deal with trauma, don't you. That's right. You kill it.

First viewing, I thought it contained some of the creepiest scenes I'd ever seen. Once I'd seen these scenes I couldn't unsee them (the scenes). These scenes are drawn-out and tense and uncomfortable and luxuriant. Second viewing, not so much, but that's ok. It's elevated schlock, a B-movie with plenty of bad acting, awkward dialogue, and cheap production that all work together to produce something unexpectedly substantial. Similar in that way to Brain Damage (1988). Writer/director, Stuart Gordon is also responsible for Re-Animator, From Beyond, and of course, Space Truckers. But don't let that put you off. Castle Freak is a creepy, low-budget tragedy with themes! And delicious body-horror special effects. Highly recommended for perverts, creeps, and trauma survivors.

1 hour 30 minutes I give it 8/10 more unconformable seconds of being watched by a creepy guy.

Dementia 13 (1963)

Dementia 13 is boring but its Coppola's first(ish) movie

[3/10 · 17 October 2020]

Saving the best for last implies the worst comes first. So October begins with this stiff, black and white affair that has all the intrigue and intensity of shopping for office furniture, which i enjoy, so never mind.

From the man who brought you The Godfather and Apocalypse Now comes this sleepy, gothic B-movie. Back when he was still just plain, meat-and-potatoes Francis Coppola, before he added the middle name and became a star.

A household of white people feeling uneasy for 75 minutes. The Halorans reunite at the family home in Ireland, still grieving the death of the youngest daughter who is said to haunt the property. Several plot lines lead nowhere. A daughter-in-law schemes for the family fortune. Dolls are tied to string and submerged in a pond (?). Somebody is killing people with an axe, although it's never clear where the axe hits, except when heads get chopped off and roll away fakely. The crowd roars.

According to legend (wikipedia), Producer Roger Corman wanted a cheap Psycho rip-off, so Coppola wrote and directed this Scooby-Doo episode. But a couple of visually striking scenes show young "Ford" honing his craft. Patrick Magee, best known as the old man in A Clockwork Orange who tortures Alex with Beethoven, gives a performance that almost makes this movie worth it.

3 out 10. For film buffs, i.e., people who watch bad movies.

Dracula's Daughter (1936)

Weak Methadone for the Dracula (1931) Addict

[4/10 · 17 October 2020]

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree, and the daughter doesn't fall far from the Dracula. Son of Frankenstein's got nothing on this awful offspring. Her vacant gaze and grim monotone will drive you batty. And watch out for her manservant Sandor. He parts his hair down the middle and has a bow and arrow.

The film picks up after the end of Dracula (1931). Having driven a stake through titular's heart, van Helsing is arrested to by two extremely unfunny cops and locked up, his sanity in question. In an effort to free herself from the vampire's curse, Dracula's daughter, Countess Zaleska steals her father's body and burns it but to no avail. Her last hope is van Helsing's psychiatrist, who just isn't all that into her. Manservant Sandor gets jealous and let's just say he has a couple of pointed remarks for them both.

Maybe you need to adjust your expectations. Maybe all you really need is the one scene of a woman wearing a black robe, setting fire to Dracula's corpse, with lots of fake fog and spooky trees and stones. Sound effects of owls hooting. 10 kilograms of pure, uncut classic horror.

Maybe you're chasing the rush of the original 1931 Dracula, or just confused why Dracula's daughter doesn't have an accent, why her vampiric qualities are scarcely represented, why almost nothing happens, or how unlikable van Helsing's pscyhiatrist is, what'shisname, the main character. See what passes for lesbian subtext in a 1936 American film.

4.6 out 10. For the eyebrows.

Demons (1985)

Like Michael Jackson's Thriller, without the music

[5/10 · 17 October 2020]

Ever wish Michael Jackson's Thriller music video was 10 times longer with no Michael Jackson? Do you need more 1980s Italians in your life? Are you the sort who appreciates a helicopter randomly crashing through the roof? Then you'll be possessed by the stylish and repetitious violence of Demons.

A high-brow girl, with Bartok sheet music pressed to her chest, gets invited to the premiere of a horror film by a mysterious stranger whose face is half metal. It turns out to be a play-within-a-play type of thing, and the ghouls quickly transcend their embedded narrative. Fangs and claws, drooling green foam, scary eyes, bad skin. There's a lot of "Oh no my best friend is a demon now. How can I bring myself to dispatch them (in the most gruesome way possible)?" But even if our heroes do manage to escape, will the world ever be quite the same?

Don't get me wrong. Watching humans and demons kill one another for over an hour is the frosting on life's cake. But it is boring frosting. There are a few scenes that are so spectacularly over-the-top, so ridiculously boss, that they almost manage to redeem the droning b-movie violence, but in general this is the sort of cake I could take or leave at the bakery. I'd maybe just eat the beginning and the end parts, and leave the middle of the cake. 88 minutes Gorey, campy Italian horror I give it 5 out 10 cakes

The Black Cat (1934)

Nearly Purrfect!

[9/10 · 17 October 2020]

Get ready for one spooky tail! As classic horror films go, The Black Cat is nearly purrfect, and I'm not kitten around. The creepy visuals may give you paws, and the dialogue is surprisingly litterate. Compared to other hair-raising films of its day, The Black Cat is furmidable for its beautiful set design, moody lighting, and star-studded cast, and that's not even scratching the surface. Seriously though, this one really freaked meowt.

A cute couple who, to be fair, really have it coming, decide to take their honeymoon in Hungary. Already a red flag. The country is seemingly overflowing with less than arousing stories of the first world war. Bela Lugosi shares their train compartment, returning home after 15 years in a POW Camp, grimacing and looking for his ex-wife. When the hotel shuttle crashes, and a newlywed is injured, Bela leads them to old friend Boris Karloff's modernist, shadow-filled mansion to recuperate. After some drugs, a little cat killing, torture, Satan worship, and a game of chess, Lugosi figures out what the deal is.

The music is dramatic and constant and good. Lots of Liszt and Tchaikovsky. German expressionist sets, lighting, shadows. A spiral staircase is ascended repeatedly. Karloff and Lugosi go head to head for who can act harder. There's few things better than Lugosi chewing the scenery. And there is a strangeness to this film that makes it immortal, like evil.

65 minutes Classic Horror 9/10 lives

Ice Cream Man (1995)

Creme de la Creme?

[4/10 · 17 October 2020]

Here's a film that will chill you to the bone, or maybe just leave you cold. Ice Cream Man is two scoops of scary fun from the good old days when R-rated movies were marketed to children. When kids hear this ice cream truck coming, they run...for their lives! It may not be the cream of the crop but could leave you frozen with fear.

Ron Howard's brother plays an overtly creepy Ice Cream Man. From behind the barred windows of his ice cream truck, he doles out ice cream from bloody, pest ridden tubs and commits the occasional murder. Soon his antics attract the attention of the neighborhood kids as well as two police detectives played by Jean Michael Vincent and Lee Majors II. Will the ice cream man's dreams of having a shop of his own melt away under the heat of his own un-cone-trollable killing sprees?

Clint Howard is well cast as a murderous creep. He inhabits the role the way a hand inhabits a mitten. Similar in style to Peewee's Big Adventure and Serial Mom: upright and proper suburban facades concealing abnormality, the way my t-shirt hides a dark underbelly. Violent scenes are few and not very explicit. If anything it's worth watching just to see Clint Howard hamming it up.

85 Minutes Campy Horror 4.5/10 flavors of slow-churned, creamy murder

The Ghost of Frankenstein (1942)

What would Mary Shelly say?

[5/10 · 17 October 2020]

What would Mary Shelley say if she saw this movie? Maybe "cha ching." The fourth installment in the franchise, The Ghost of Frankenstein proves that lightning never strikes the same place four times, unless the place is equipped with a lightning rod.

"Ghost of" picks up where "Son of" left off. The townspeople are doing what they do best: forming an angry mob. They wanna go blow up Frankenstein's mansion, so the mayor, desperate to please voters, says "whatever." Ygor, again played by Bela Lugosi with a fake beard, finds that the explosions have freed his best friend from the sulfur pit in which he was imprisoned last movie. Together they'll seek out Frankenstein's OTHER son--the one that's conveniently doing brain transplants--in order to restore the monster's strength. Will history repeat itself? The ending may shock you! (if you're shocked by history repeating itself)

Ghost of Frankenstein should be titled Brother of the Son of Frankenstein. It's when the franchise became paint by numbers, but also the point at which the monster reached its final and most iconic form. This film is also the main source material for Young Frankenstein. It's worse in every way than "Son of." But it does feature a classic dialogue in which Ygor says he would like his brain put in the monster's body because he wants a friend with his brain. Didn't think it through.

Classic Horror 67 Minutes 5 out of 10 more hours of sleep