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Contract to Kill (2016)
Seagal's a bit croaky...avoid this one
Another few months, and another Seagal DTV movie. I must say, things are looking worrying for old Steven - he sounds incredibly croaky in this movie and fatter than ever before. Guy needs to sort his health out or one of the all-time greats might die...
Aside from that, you're probably wondering if this is worth watching if you enjoy a bit of Seagal. The answer is no.
The plot...something about Mexican cartels making a deal with Muslim extremists and Seagal and his team have to stop it. Really isn't much to talk about here. There seems to be a deliberate attempt to touch on current topical events, but it fails really, especially Seagal's ending monologue. Not even worth me expanding on it. It's just poor. Very poor.
Directing and cinematography is alright for a Seagal DTV, although there is a massive bit of text that fills up the screen every time they go to a different location to tell us where it is which looks quite silly. Quick cuts manage to cover up any use of body doubles for Seagal. Keoni Waxman has directed Seagal DTVs plenty of times and has shown himself to be capable enough so there shouldn't be concern on this front anyway. Oh yeah, and there's quite a bit of green screen, but that's not exactly unexpected.
The characters and acting...yeah, they leave a lot to be desired. No character is memorable, at all, and everyone just seems to be acting like they're waiting for the director to shout "cut" and they can get their paycheck and move on. Not even a modicum of effort from Russell "irrelevant since the 90s" Wong, or Jemma "I'm here to have my breasts fondled by Steven" Dallender, or anyone else for that matter.
The movie is also largely devoid of action until the latter parts, and well, it isn't even any good. I know you can't expect much from Seagal these days, but you'd expect the other actors to try and do something but they just don't.
Don't waste your time. It's a boring mess that is completely forgettable. Seagal's made much better DTV movies, so why even bother with this?
Code of Honor (2016)
Very poor Seagal effort...unless my theory is correct
So it's another few months, and another Seagal DTV flick. Nowadays we have to get used to Seagal having even less movement that he did 10 years ago, and he's pretty sedentary in this one. He spends most of this film sniping, but does occasionally shoot some guys and gets into one hand-to-hand fight, so I guess there's that.
Honestly, the film is just so bland and like so many of his other stuff that he's done since the turn of the century that it's hard to differentiate between the films these days. Seagal plays Robert Sikes, an ex-special forces guy who is specialised in everything and is extremely dangerous, blah blah blah. Whenever they have Seagal play these characters and they try to give background, they should just put in R Lee Emery's line from On Deadly Ground about him drinking a gallon of gas and all that.
His character is a Punisher type thing where his wife and child have been killed so now he's a vigilante on a one man mission to kill any criminal he sees. This would be alright except there's very questionable choices of killing - he decides to snipe a group of drug addicts (because it's them that's the problem, not the dealers, apparently) at a point in the movie and also kill the mayor (whose major crime is cheating on his wife), with no real explanation. Seagal's supposed to be an antagonist in this, I suppose, but that doesn't mean he can kill people for no reason.
The other main guy is a guy called William Porter, who was under Seagal in the military and knows all about him and his mission, and is out to stop him with the help of the police. He is portrayed as the polar opposite to Seagal's character - a man whose wife and son abandoned him of their own merit because of his life of drinking, cheating, and crime but is now out to "atone for his sins" by stopping Seagal. Fairly generic, like everyone else in the film.
A lot of humour in this comes from the atrocious CGI. It has to be seen to be believed, with the blood in the film being the main culprit. The acting is pretty much universally terrible also.
So with all that said, it's one to avoid...unless. Unless the theory I developed is correct.
You see, near the end of the film the police guy believes that Sikes and Porter are in fact the same person, and that Porter is using the Sikes name to cover up his actions. This leads to a final encounter where the police kill Seagal as Sikes, but they believed they killed both Sikes and Porter as it was an alter ego. In fact, Porter had ran away never to be seen again. Of course, the fatal flaw in this is that when they take a look at the body they're gonna see a big fat old guy, not Porter. Then, when sitting on the toilet after watching this, I suddenly came to a realisation...
They could be right. Sikes could be Porter, and vice versa. It is a split personality disorder sort of thing - Sikes and Porter are these two polar opposites, ying and yang. Sikes and Porter are never actually seen together by any of the major characters. In the one scene when they're in a club together, Sikes said that Porter had a bomb under his seat which would explode if he got out, allowing Sikes to walk away unscathed. Turns out the bomb was just a ruse. Before he is killed, Seagal/Sikes jumps through a window and lands on a spike, putting a bloody hole through his hand. Porter gets shot in his hand earlier in the film - an injury that is exactly the same. There is a scene where it switches between Sikes and Porter sitting in the same position in a motel room that looks exactly the same. There's plenty more hints to this idea in the film which I won't go into, but if it is actually the case that they are the same person, it makes it a LOT more interesting. Just a thought.
Pound of Flesh (2015)
Potentially good B-movie fluff descending into contrived nonsense
Ah, Pound of Flesh. Such a criminally cheesy and over-the-top premise - Van Damme gets his kidney stolen and needs to get it back from the scumbag criminals that got in order to save his dying niece. It's a move that seems like it has the perfect foundations to create a JCVD B-movie classic. Unfortunately, the issue with Pound of Flesh is that it falls over itself trying to be more complicated than it needs to be and forgets the basics matter most.
The story is as the premise I previously stated - but there's massive deviation along the way, in the form of numerous silly unnecessary plot twists. Honestly, the premise is ridiculous enough on its own that you could just go with it and enjoy the crazy ride. But instead, the creators of this feel the need to convey some sort of depth that isn't done well and isn't even necessary in the first place - it's a DTV Van Damme flick! Keep it simple with Van Damme beating guys to bits in pursuit of his quest and you keep everyone happy. Instead, the film has half-cooked attempts at trying to touch on themes like religion, sacrifice and family loyalty. The "attempts" mainly consist of random plot twists involving these things, with the characters acting in completely unrealistic ways. There's suspension of disbelief and then there's just stupid, and this well crosses the line into stupid.
It feels like another one of these DTV action movies where there is no real plan and one scene is created after another - Seagal's poorer DTV material often had this issue, leaving glaring plot holes and characters behaving in irrational or idiotic ways just to further the story somehow. There wasn't many plot holes in this from what I could see, mainly because any attempt at a consistent plot was superseded by crazy twists.
It's sad, because for the first half hour or so, everything seems to be going well. An entertaining premise has been established and you're ready for JCVD to go out on the hunt. After that, it seemed the creators didn't know how to properly sustain interest in an action movie during the quieter midsection so plot twists and poor attempts at character development came flooding in.
As for the action itself, the best scene is probably the first one, as we see Van Damme performing his martial arts repertoire and beating guys to a pulp. Everything thereafter is never really interesting, with Van Damme doing a bit of gunplay and also MMA but it never really works compared to his classic martial arts routine.
Also, this seems to have strong use of green screen in completely unnecessary situations. The main culprit is when Van Damme and other characters are driving in the car - there's a pretty obviously visible green screen outline on the actors. It begs the question, why? You're already filming in the location on the green screen. Why not film them actually driving? It's just another bit of stupidity in a long list.
I believe I've said all that needs to be said about this. It's a shame, because the premise is so ridiculous in itself that it could potentially be really entertaining - then they messed up the plot, writing, and direction...this is one to miss.
End of a Gun (2016)
A solid Seagal DTV effort, even if it is paint-by-numbers
It's been nearly 30 years since Seagal made his debut in Above the Law and it's starting to show - Steven's now at the ripe old age of 64. Retirement age, and ironically enough in his latest DTV movie End of a Gun he plays a retired DEA agent - perhaps he's finally accepting his old age?
Anyway, if you're looking at this you should probably know what to expect by Seagal's DTV movies by now. And this movie does exactly that - Seagal wanders himself into trouble with some dangerous criminals, taking no prisoners as he mumbles his way through his lines and flies his fists around to give the bad guys a beating.
Once again, this is another Seagal movie set in Europe, with Paris the setting this time. He seems to have a bit of an obsession with it, although there is noticeably less focus on ogling the local women than there is in his other intercontinental efforts.
The main highlight for me was probably the performance of Jade Ewen - she gave a solid performance in her role as the sneaky but sexy accomplice of Seagal. She's most famous in Britain as the Eurovision entry a number of years ago and a brief spell with the Sugababes...money must be really tight if she's having to flirt with a pension-age Steven Seagal on screen.
Other than that, it's what you've come to expect. The villain is pretty forgettable and generic (and there's another "villain" who the makers seem to forget about by the end of the film?). A couple of bits where Seagal is dubbed, but it's very minor. Keoni Waxman directs, making this his umpteenth collaboration with Seagal - but his projects with Seagal are usually pretty passable DTV efforts, and the trend doesn't change here. The running time is a fairly slim 86 minutes, which I prefer for these kinds of films - all killer, no filler. Make the rides brief and enjoyable.
Seagal has made plenty of poor DTV movies but this isn't one of them - it's one of his better efforts in recent time. Check it out if you're a fan.
Go 8 Bit (2016)
Great show concept that ends up flattering to deceive
Preface: I go into this review having watched the first two episodes (three have been broadcast so far). I may or may not watch the third and successive episodes, I'm not really sure yet.
Oh man, this show. I really wanted it to be good. And I guess you could say it's alright. But when I first heard of the show, I was hyped. Games are coming back to TV? And it's like Gamesmaster? And it's celebrities we know playing against each other instead of having to listen to two-bit (or should I say 8-bit) hack journalists giving emotionless and charmless reviews like games TV has basically been this entire century? Sounds great!
The basic structure of the programme is that two celebrity guests come on the show and play a few games against each other - a couple that are picked by the show itself and the guests get to pick their favourite game each to play. The celebrity guests are assisted by their team captains who are there every week and may play together with the guest or it's a case of rounds with celeb vs celeb and captain vs captain.
The first main problem is just what I mentioned - the captains. They're fairly annoying and just not very funny. From what I read the show actually came from them - Go 8 Bit was actually their little show at the Edinburgh Fringe, so I guess they kind of have to be on there. I just wish they weren't, or they could get two people with a bit more charm about them.
Another issue is the fact the show doesn't need to be an hour and ends up with a lot of filler to try and make this time. It would be much better suited as a half-hour show. Cut out the pointless sequence where they ask the audience who they think will win before every game and the significant amount of unfunny "banter" between Dara, Ellie, the guests and the captains before they play the game.
The third issue is during the playing of the games themselves - a lot of the events that happen during them just feel really fake and scripted for the camera, like Susan Calman not being able to jump in Chuckie Egg despite it apparently being her favourite game and that she's also using a joystick which only has one or two buttons. When there are two different screens that need to be shown for the separate screens it's often too small and hard to see what's going on.
The show, despite all these criticisms, has its moments. Ellie Gibson telling you about the history of the game they are about to play is often quite entertaining, and there are some genuinely exciting moments during the gameplay. However, the solid concept behind this show is let down by too much pointless fluff - get rid of the unnecessary stuff and get on with the games, and tighten up certain aspects when they actually play the games and it could be a really solid, entertaining show. However, at this point it's little more than an average, inoffensive show somebody would put on in the background while having dinner like Would I Lie To You or something along those lines.
Born to Raise Hell (2010)
Subpar Seagal DTV effort
I go into this review admittedly having not watched a lot of Seagal's DTV stuff, which there are hundreds of, but I have watched a few as well as all his theatrical releases so I think I'm pretty clued up on what to expect by now.
And for the most part, Born to Raise Hell fulfills the expectations you have of a Seagal movie - Seagal plays his usual role as a cop or some other sort of government/military official, some bad guys pop up, Seagal chases them down and deals with them. Usually, this combination of factors leads to a good watch where you can just sit and enjoy without thinking too much, but there are a few things that pull this film down from the usual Seagal standards.
Firstly, the cinematography and camera work is pretty terrible - unnecessary shaky camera and slow motion effects, freeze frames on really ridiculous moments (such as one on the main villain's face in the middle of raping a woman), the lot. It reminded me of that "you wouldn't steal a car" anti-piracy advert, except imagine that for whole action/dramatic sequences.
Another issue is that there is pretty extensive dubbing over of Seagal's voice - it's there from the very start and happens every so often throughout, always reminding you that it's there, that ol' Steven just can't deliver his hard-hitting lines anymore (if he ever could). One fairly hilarious example is near the end when Seagal says a line "I'll be out in 10, 15 minutes" with the word "minutes" dubbed over. Did they really need to dub over the word "minutes" to give it that extra authority it needed? There usually is always a little bit of dubbing in Seagal DTV flicks and it's fine but there's just way too much here.
The other main criticism is the other characters - one of whom, a Russian drug lord living in Romania, is originally pursued by Seagal and his team but then Seagal sees fit to make a deal with this drug lord who has killed or ordered the killing of multiple people throughout the film, in order to pursue the main drug lord villain. There is a scene at the end where Seagal is talking to this morally reprehensible guy like they're friends. According to the film's logic it's OK because the other drug lord does home invasions where he murders people and rapes the women while the other one isn't as bad.
There is also one of the most cringeworthy scenes I've seen in a Seagal movie yet, where the overweight, ageing Seagal "makes love" with his young Romanian girlfriend. The shoddy camera-work with Seagal wearing clothes while his girlfriend is basically naked and quick cuts to make it look like they're having sex but not really just makes this scene unintentionally hilarious.
Overall, Born to Raise Hell is a less than passable Seagal DTV flick. Don't get me wrong, it's still enjoyable to watch, and Seagal's usual action sequences with martial arts are as good as what you'd expect from the guy's DTV movies. But poor directing, dubbing and some choice plot scenarios let this one down.