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neech_manley
Reviews
Blood Gnome (2004)
Expectation: Hilarity. Result: Tedium, with a couple of bright points.
I am a huge fan of drivel, and so when I found Blood Gnome (not Gnomes, Gnome) in the video store, I had to rent it. Indeed as many reviewers here have already stated, who in their right mind wouldn't want to watch a film called Blood Gnome?? Not this man.
It's deceptive, to say the least. From the packaging, one expects this to be a slasher flick, whereas it plays out more like a mystery, with very little actual physical violence in it. The plot, as far as there is one, consists of 'Dan' (our intrepid hero) seeking to find and prove the existence of the mythical, vampiric creatures known as Blood Gnomes. You can only see them through a camera lens, for some reason, but whatever. Along the way he meets a totally unattractive goth chick, and begins to learn about the bondage scene. And this is really what the films about, a soft core examination of bondage and sado masochsim, with a tacky crappy horror story thrown in.
I watch films like this (as do most people) for entertainment, and Blood Gnome consistently fails to deliver. However, it redeems itself with a few absolutely hysterical moments. My personal favourite is the scene where Dan is overwhelmed by a ravenous horde of Blood Gnomes, and dispatches one by kicking it in the crotch. There's a one second reaction shot of a Blood Gnome falling to the floor clutching it's groin, and it continues to have me in hysterics to this day. Other highlights include the I'm conversation between Dan and his Gnomey nemisis', and the totally hilarious and inconsequential flashbacks to when Dan was with his wife, or something. Dan is quite possibly one of the most punchable heroes ever to grace our screens.
The special effects, for what they are, aren't too terrible. Many of the Blood Gnome scenes are unintentionally amusing, and this would be the main reason for watching this film. The SFX for the Blood Gnomes are also pretty hilarious.
To be honest, I was disappointed by this. It had so much potential to be a great sh*t film, but it sucks (again, not in a good way) on way too many levels. The drug dealer guy should be shot for his total lack of acting ability, as should the main female character (the one who keeps the mother gnome in that box). Also, the ending to this film is one of the worst I have ever seen, but not in a good way. For an example of how to totally stupify, demean, outrage and yet entertain a viewer with an ending, see 'Shark Attack 3'. Now THAT is an awesome film. Mostly, Blood Gnome just bores the viewer, mainly because the subject matter isn't very interesting, and the film takes itself way way too seriously.
So anyway, crap films go on a 1 - 5 rating (one being utter magic, 5 just being tedious crap). I give Blood Gnome a 4, mostly based on THAT crotch shot. Otherwise, it would be banished to the murky realms of the 5/10 film, the absolute worst kind, in my humble opinion. Could do better.
Braindead (1992)
Utterly brilliant. Utterly repulsive. Utterly hilarious.
This is without a doubt one of the finest examples of B-moviedom that you will ever see. Although be warned, it is horrifically repulsive in places, and is guaranteed to make squeamish members of the audience throw up / leave / cry.
I had already seen Bad Taste before viewing this (Bad Taste is Jackson's other 'Splatter' film), so had a rough idea of what to expect. In all honesty I didn't enjoy Bad Taste that much, which surprised the guy who endlessly recommended it to me (he thought I would've loved the 'grossness' of it, but my immediate response was one of boredom). Having seen Bad Taste I obviously had some idea of what to expect from this film, but I was pleasantly surprised by how consistently this film cracked me up, or made me shout out 'awwwwwwwwwww' in a suitably horrified yet entertained manner. This film also contains possibly the greatest line ever uttered on screen, "I kick arse for the lord". I have yet to meet a person who, irrespective of their views on the rest of the film, didn't find the kung-fu preacher line / scene utterly fantastic.
The vast majority of the enjoyment from this film comes from:
1. The accents. I'm serious, they're great, especially in the first scene.
2. The excessive, over the top splattering of gore / blood / limbs. Some people (heh, mostly girls in my experience) seem to find this repellent, but if you have a strong stomach, you'll love it.
3. The zombie baby. Awesome beyond words.
4. The Priest. Sheer cinematic genius.
There isn't really much else to add that hasn't already been said by the reviewers on here. Braindead is fantastic, but it's not for everybody. Best viewed in a group, with the beers flowing. In my opinion, Braindead is a much better film than Bad Taste, but it had made me want to go back and give Bad Taste another shot. Words really can't describe how much you're probably going to enjoy this film.
Sin City (2005)
Not bad.
First off, I wholeheartedly agree with the critics on here who have suggested that passing off three totally unrelated short stories as a single feature length film is misleading. It wouldn't matter if the three linked up in any meaningful way, but they don't. As far as I can see, the principal male stars are all in the lap dancing club at one point. And that's it. The sad fact is that only one of the three stories is good, which is that of Marv (Rourke). This story is utterly fantastic, well shot, well told, and well paced, although the moralistics of the tale don't really stand up to much scrutiny. Certain sections of the dialogue is utterly contemptible, but for some reason they don't jar so much when the hero is so utterly likable as Marv. From the very beginning, although Marv does some pretty heinous things, we empathise and like his character far more than the other two male leads in 'Sin City', despite the fact (or probably because of the fact) that he's a monster. For some reason the utterly over the top violence that Marv commits seem to be an inescapable aspect of his character, part of his feral, barely controlled personality. This is not an excuse to explain away the excessive violence in the film, but it seems to fit in with the dynamics of this story far more than it does in the other two, where it just seems inserted for the sake of it. Marv is certainly the character with the most depth in the film, built up as he is of contrasts and contradictions. This aids the telling of this part of the story immensely.
I'm not going to devote much space to discussing the other two strands, because they genuinely aren't really worth devoting much attention to. Rourke is a much better gravel and whisky voiced narrator than the other two, who really do just sound a little bit pussy, like little boys trying to talk like men. Willis' story is slightly better than the utterly puerile, misogynistic and poorly paced / plotted other story, which I would guess is justified as empowering to women, which is another way of saying we put them in sexy outfits and let them kill lots of stupid men. Because we 'respect' them ( *hollow laughter* ), this justifies us portraying them as sex objects. And the speeches where Dwight continually refers to Gina as his Valkyrie are so completely and totally corny and pathetic that it is actually insulting to the intelligence of the viewer. Furthermore, the Irish characters in this story are just feel like last minute insertions, hollowly characterised and stereotypical bad guys to put in there because all the other ones are dead and they needed to stretch the story out for another fifteen minutes by providing cannon fodder for our intrepid hero.
I'm not familiar with Miller's work and as such am spared having to compare the film version to the comic, which seems to be a bone of contention with many people on here. For what it's worth though, I thought that the film looked utterly fantastic for the most part, although occasionally the darkness of the surroundings was an impediment. Stylistically, I also really liked the flashes of color, although they were usually on things totally unrelated to plot development, what there was of it.
Sin City, on the whole is a classic example of testosterone fuelled style over substance, which relies far too much on conventions handed down from films like Pulp-Fiction to have much merit in it's own right. However, for me the film is redeemed by a top notch performance from Rourke, and it's awesome visuals. Not bad, could have been better.
Killjoy (2000)
1000 words? I actually had 3500, all typed out. Odious, odious film.
Please do not be under the impression that:
1. That this film makes sense. 2. That you should purchase, rent, or even watch this film if you have any sort of order, structure, or meaning in your life. 3. That this film contributes towards the progression of mankind in any way, shape or form. 4. That Angel Vargas et al should ever be allowed to work again, on either side of the camera (not that there's a likelihood of that anyway). 5. That Killjoy does not suck. Because it / he most definitely does.
Consider the fact that Michael, a seemingly innocent nerdish type, is able to summon the demonic vigilante (Film 2000's words, not mine) using only a really fake looking knife, a CRUMMY doll and a circle of candles. However, this is in a film where the word occult seems to mean 'make it up as you go along' (see 'Rules of Killjoy's dimension' for proof). Further questioning comes at the point where to demonstrate that fact that the gun he has just threatened Michael with is not loaded; Lorenzo (the eloquent, debonair and thoroughly chivalrous leader of the gang) points it at Michael. Although one would assume that he himself loaded the gun and would therefore be sure of this fact, about a minute previously we clearly see another member of the three man gang (yes, because three people is all you need to call yourself a gang) hand the gun to him. No prizes for guessing what happens next. And to help you out, it isn't a crap one liner.
Argh, the one-liners. Jesus they're bad. Many of them don't make the FAINTEST amount of sense, for instance "They got tricks and all". Part of the reason why this may be, to quote another reviewer, is "Sometimes it is difficult to understand what Killjoy is saying". It is unclear whether this is because Killjoy's extensive face makeup and dentures impair his speech, or because Killjoy has evolved beyond our petty human communication skills, choking on his own sheer acting talent. Several parts of this film are near indecipherable. This may well be a good thing. I would assume that the dialogue is an attempt at gritty urban realism, or something. This translates as saying "Dog" and "Coz" at the end of every sentence, and inevitably the obligatory fact that they smoke lots of marijuana.
Me and 3 close friends have each seen this film upwards of seven times now, and each time the reaction is the same. Killjoy can reduce seemingly normal, respectable people into pools of hysterical urine streams on the floor.
Anyway, as an aside, here are the
Rules of / problems with Killjoy's dimension. 1. Killjoy has the ability to ingest 12+ bullets, and regurgitate 1000+. This seems plausible; it is after all, his dimension. 2. Guns that CLEARLY ONLY HOLD SIX BULLETS can hold many, many more here. 3. Killjoy, by dint of being an ethnic actor, knows martial arts. As do the rest of the cast. 4. Gouging out someone's eyeballs consists of pressing lightly just above someone's eyebrows for a couple of seconds. 5. Simple sentences can be distorted, for instance, "F*** off clown" = "Fako wff" 6. Simple concepts can be distorted, for instance "Lets split up" 7. Killjoy's interior designer is clearly also the person that makes Killjoy's suits. 8. Clown = Devil. 9. Weaponry can often be found lying around in unmarked cardboard boxes. In fact, this brings me onto another point. Why the hell does Killjoy's lair look like he's just moved house? Seriously, there's just unmarked, sellotaped boxes everywhere, and the odd convenient prop (Lampshade, Noose). Surely, as an all-powerful being, he'd tidy up the place, or get his zombie slaves to do it for him. If anyone can solve the debate we've been having as to whether or not Killjoy's dimension is carpeted, I'd be very grateful. 10. Killjoy's dimension is located within a small ice-cream truck. OK. So then why oh why is Killjoy seen driving the very same truck to kill Baby Boy in there? That does not make sense. Many things about this film do not make sense. 11. You can hear / remember people saying things that they haven't said.
Arthur Burghardt. He deserves his own section.
There aren't words to describe the incredible acting talent that flows, almost messianic from every pore in this man's body. I remain convinced that in order to research his role and really get into the character, Mr Burghardt spent the majority of his day(s) on set downing gin and urinating in his clothes. He is by far and away the most convincing character in this film, and he's playing a bum with mystical powers!!
This guy has done voices on the transformers cartoon, and it's hard to imagine what traumatic event it took for him fall from those heady heights to accept a part in this film. But thank god that he did. "Take my hand, close your eyes", there is no way in hell you are going to be able to keep a straight face when you watch his main scene. Everything he does is perfect, from the clutched fist biting remorse he displays in the alleyway to his confusing and somehow unnerving intensity when he's trying to tell the kids what to do. Oh, and watch out for his trademark totally unnecessary disappearing trick©, when there's an open door right next to him. Sheer genius.
I give Killjoy a 2, but I also give it a 9. It's bad, but there has to be worse out there. Carl Washington, we salute you Sir, even as we nail you to that cheese grater crucifix in the seventh circle of hell, staple open your eyelids and force you to watch the 21 minutes that constitute the original footage in this film, for all eternity.