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Reviews
Hung Hei Kwun: Siu Lam ng zou (1994)
Alright you weird f***er, back in the armadillo!
Opening with some sort of battle in front of a fire with a small child and a large knife, New Legend of Shaolin seems to have only one parallel to the old legends: the complete and utter strangeness of the movie. In order to compensate for the plot, or maybe attempt to add some humorous elements, the director decides to have his actors tattoo some dwarf-like children, eat some chicken ass, fight a poisonous juice man who lives in a chrome armadillo, and watch Jet Li for a little bit. Definitely one of the most comical Shaolin movies I've seen, and it has the added benefit of being able to be ridiculed non-stop, as all dialogue is subtitled and all plot is nonsensical. ONLY watch this if you are an obscenely obsessed Jet Li fan or a pro at MST3K style commentary.
The Messengers (2007)
Chicagoan moves to haunted house. Nothing original ensues.
Dear Lord, there was no originality in this hour-and-half clichefest. From the crows, reminiscent of Hitchcock's Birds, to the strange twitchy dead blue children of The Ring and The Grudge, to the father-goes-crazy-after-moving-into-new-house of Amityville, to Sam Raimi's inexplicable hatred of root cellars, a la Evil Dead 2, everything in this film was another film reedited to remove the good and/or frightening parts. Never before have I said "Saw it coming" while watching the girlfriend jump so often. So I suppose The Message behind The Messengers is "bring a date, or turn in your horror fan membership card."