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Reviews
Il boia scarlatto (1965)
Amazing range!
This movie has EVERYTHING. It begins with overwrought heterosexuality and delves finally into the utter depths of homo-eroticism. I'm talking about chaining four scantily-clad models to a big wooden cylinder, but two men to a cushy bed in your boudoir. Hmm. I'm talking oiling-the-chest, "the love of a woman would taint my perfect body", identically-costumed manservant camp. It's a beautiful sight.
Characterization was skillfully done. The men all distinguish themselves in the first few minutes by competing over who can be the biggest jerk, while the women are easily identified by hair color and nationality. Just like real life.
I have one, and only one reservation about this movie, and it has to be the mechanical spider. I recall a similar device being used--more efficiently--in a Will Smith video a few years back. Big Willy's spider wasn't poisoned, though, nor was it stationary, so I guess it all evens out.
Most of the torture methods utilized in this movie seem to be some extreme form of sauna treatments. Breathtaking. The music is also to be savored. During the photo-shoot sequence, the music is apparently seven seconds of polka repeated endlessly. Was it a skipping record? Could they only afford a seven-second loop? It's a mystery...
I'd be inclined to rate this movie a ten for GOONFACTOR: EXTREMELY HIGH, except for the repeated teases. Will the shirt get ripped off? SPOILER WARNING: no.
Malenka (1969)
King of all movies with inexplicable endings
Well, to start I have to say that I question the theory that there are multiple versions of this film. The version I saw certainly contained all the supposed divergences. It was probably shown on TV in a cut-down form that eliminated some of the ending, since it could conceivably exist without ANY ending whatsoever and make just as much, if not more, logical sense.
Are there vampires in real life? According to this movie, no. Then yes. Then no again. Then yes, then no, then yes AGAIN, and this time they can run around in broad daylight chasing skirts. And that's ALL they do.
There's also a strange inference toward the end that Uncle Fester (or whatever his name is) was also the very busty female vampire Malenka. I don't quite understand any of this. Somehow, though, my confusion only adds to the enjoyability of this terrible, terrible piece of drivel. I give it a 9: GOONFACTOR HIGH.