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Blair Witch (2016)
The Movie Equivalent of a Small, Nervous Dog that Won't Stop Barking
Well, that was disappointing.
I should have known better. It's my two least favorite things: found footage and a reboot. I was interested only because I like the director and I loved the original.
But, wow, this is a mess.
The cinematography is predictably awful, and even more annoying than the usual found footage flick, but what is really going to drive you crazy is the editing. It's one jump cut after another. I was strongly reminded of a Jenna Marbles vlog, only Jenna Marbles has the decency to limit her run times to under 15 minutes. No such mercy here.
I would say the characters were annoying, but they didn't bother to make any characters. So, the "monster fodder" were all annoying twats and I couldn't wait for them to die. But, unlike a good trashy slasher, we don't even get any good kill scenes. Just yelping and crying snot-faces.
And it's soooo loooong. 1:45? 90% of that is just darkness and trees. There is no story arc. There is no reason for this to be 105 minutes. Bottom line here is that we were in desperate need of a competent editor. A full 20 minutes could have been left on the editing room floor.
New Blair Witch is not scary at all, just really, really nervous. If you want to feel jittery for an hour, might I recommend a nice, big cup of cafe Cubano instead?
They're Watching (2016)
Tepid Mess
None of this works
It isn't funny enough to be a comedy. It isn't scary enough to be horror. The movie never commits to it's idea, and we are left with a tepid, half-baked mess.
Now, I love a good fiasco. Few things are as entertaining as a well- intentioned, incompetent blunder with too much vision and no ability to edit. But you can't TRY to make a bad movie. You have to try to make a good movie and fail spectacularly in order for it to be funny. They're Watching is boring wannabe.
It tries to excuse the annoying characters, bad acting, horrible script and thin premise with "I meant to do that", and it doesn't cut it. It isn't entertaining enough to get away with it.
The VVitch: A New-England Folktale (2015)
Very Dark, Very Slow, Very Good
It would be a challenge for any movie to live up to the hype that The Witch has gotten since its Sundance debut last year, but wow, what a gorgeous film. The craftsmanship is beyond impressive. Every shot could have been an art photograph. All of the sets and costumes and props were so painstakingly period accurate that the world of this film felt viscerally real. The oppressive tone never lifted for the entire run time so that you leave the theater still feeling a bit weird.
The Witch reminds me strongly of "The Others". Much of the creepiness was drawn from the set and the location. The pacing is similar. Both have super small casts and center the action around child actors. There's very little blood and gore. If you hated "The Others" and thought it was boring, then "The Witch" is not for you. It's not the typical Hollywood horror "scare-a-minute" CGI romp. There's no break in the tension for a comedic relief. It goes to a very dark place right from the start and never shifts that tone.
The dialogue can be difficult to follow. It's much more similar to a Shakespearean play than standard issue Period Piece English. I could understand them with some effort, and it made the world of the movie feel that much more real, but some might be turned off by it, especially since the film is so dialogue-heavy.
All of the acting performances were top notch. The Twins were creepy and every one of their scenes made my stomach turn. I appreciated that the plot didn't hinge on "horror movie logic". Really, the only complaint I have is that I don't know if I quite buy the ending. Definitely looking forward to seeing this one again, and I hope it makes money because I want to see more smart horror with fewer terrible looking monsters and more filmmaking craftsmanship.