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2/10
Enough with the ape sign language already
7 March 2024
"War for the Planet of the Apes" from 2017 attempts to conclude the rebooted trilogy with grandeur but falls short due to its sluggish pacing, excessive sentimentality, and reliance on ape communication methods that feel more burdensome than immersive.

The film suffers significantly from its slow pacing, dragging the narrative to a tedious extent. Rather than maintaining a brisk momentum necessary for a war-themed plot, it plods along, often leaving viewers yearning for substantial developments. Lengthy sequences devoid of action or meaningful dialogue contribute to a sense of tedium, detracting from the overall viewing experience.

Furthermore, the film leans heavily into sentimentality, sacrificing narrative depth for emotional manipulation. While emotional resonance can enhance storytelling, "War for the Planet of the Apes" inundates viewers with heavy-handed sentiment, undermining the potency of its themes. The attempt to evoke empathy for the apes and their plight often feels forced and contrived, diminishing the impact of the characters' struggles.

The overreliance on grunting and sign language as the primary means of communication among the ape allies proves more frustrating than immersive. While it initially serves as a unique aspect of the ape society, its persistent use throughout the film becomes cumbersome and distracting. Dialogue is sparse, hindering character development and audience engagement. Instead of enhancing the authenticity of the ape world, the constant reliance on non-verbal communication becomes an impediment to the storytelling process.

Despite its shortcomings, "War for the Planet of the Apes" boasts impressive visual effects and Andy Serkis' compelling performance as Caesar. The film's technical achievements are commendable, offering stunning visuals that immerse viewers in the dystopian world. However, these strengths are overshadowed by the film's narrative flaws and pacing issues.

In conclusion, "War for the Planet of the Apes" struggles to maintain momentum due to its slow pacing, excessive sentimentality, and cumbersome communication methods employed by the ape characters. While it showcases technical prowess and strong performances, these elements are not enough to compensate for its narrative shortcomings.
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May December (2023)
1/10
Hard PASS
9 January 2024
May December is a cinematic disaster that manages to combine insipid storytelling with lackluster performances. Any day time soap opera retelling of the real story would be better than this.

I've never loved Natalie Portman but she's awful in this. Juliet Moore is too old and so disconnected from the role.

The plot is so painfully contrived and so far from the real story, it's as if the writers drew inspiration from a generic soap opera script rejected for being too cliché.

The actors appear to be sleepwalking through their roles, delivering lines with all the enthusiasm of a monotone robot. The film's attempts at emotional depth fall flat, leaving the audience more bored than moved. Save yourself the agony and skip this cinematic misfire.
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Near Dark (1987)
1/10
Awful
5 January 2024
Got tricked into this by recommendations from AI and wasted nearly 90 mins. Gave up before the end. I note the writer director is/was married to James Cameron.

This turkey is no Terminator.

Slow as a wet Sunday in winter.

It feels vaguely familiar yet still delivers some new tedium.

You've seen it all before.

And you have seen it done much better. Any vampire movie you've ever seen does the material much better than this.

You've seen it all before.

And you have seen it done much better.

You've seen it all before.

And you have seen it done much better.

Hard pass, watch any other vampire movie.
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Silo: Machines (2023)
Season 1, Episode 3
1/10
They fix a fan. This is the plot?
16 June 2023
Wow this was a truly terrible episode where nothing happened and the whole plot revolves around fixing a fan. I see other reviewers saying that they were on the edge of their seats but I can't understand why. They stopped a fan, fixed a blade on it and started again.

The first two episodes were good but this was dull, dreary and slow.

We need to address the huge logistical problems of this show because why they didn't have a back up generator and why they didn't have a single elevator in this futuristic sci fi silo is beyond belief. I can suspend my disbelief for a fun show or a clever plot but this is going too far. None of this feels realistic or compelling.

I gave you two eps. I hated this one, I won't give you a fourth.
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Koala Man (2023)
1/10
Unwatchable
10 May 2023
How many times and ways can I say that this is terrible to fill in 600 characters ?

I love animation and I really wanted to like this but wow it was terrible. I'm still toughing it out watching Family Guy and American Dad and Big Mouth but I'm unclear why anyone would watch this. It will never get renewed.

How many times and ways can I say that this is terrible to fill in 600 characters ?

Don't waste your time. Another show we will never understand how this got green lit. Who green lit this for production? Did they ever read the scripts or watch it?

If this is on your résumé you should be ashamed.
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Rogue Heroes (2022–2024)
3/10
It's kinda boring
6 April 2023
I'm very surprised at all the incredibly high ratings here on IMDb. For a series that is based on one of the most exciting, action, adventure moments in history, it's very boring and kind of slow. It just didn't move very quickly, the pacing felt all over the place, and the dialogue was absolutely terrible. Full points to all the actors who are pulling out all the stops to give it a good shake. But honestly, for something set in such an exciting period of our history, the whole thing just comes across as a very dull, slow, and just a little bit too boring. I'm amazed that people are giving this 9 out of 10. It's just not that great.

I feel like we should all of been riveted, watching the screen without a moments respite, but honestly, I was looking around the room and checking my phone. Whenever I do that, I know that what I'm watching simply hasn't engaged me enough to distract me.
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1/10
These bands are all terrible
24 March 2023
I'm really not sure what I was going to get when I went to see this documentary. However, one thing that is certain is all of these bands are absolutely terrible. The mouldy peaches seemed like some kind of joke band. I can't believe so much energy was focused on such talentless idiots. I really couldn't get into the music of the strokes, and Interpol were just dull and boring. Karen O was interesting, but it would be tough to say that you would want to see a whole movie by her, or even listen to a whole album by her band (sorry I never got into the Yeah Yeah Yeahs). I've watched a lot of music documentaries, recently, some really interesting and informative and some drivel. This is in the drivel pile. Messy, shambolic, and in cohesive. I guess if maybe you were into the very dull bands that are featured in this Docco, you might get something out of it. But if you're not already an avid fan of these very boring bands, this documentary is not for you.

It was not for me.
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2/10
Weak. So disappointing
10 March 2023
Warning: Spoilers
Disjointed plot from the get go. Hard to connect with the plot or the mystery, it's hard to care about any of this.

He's in prison but escapes, it's all very confusing.

Then the killer has a way to broadcast torture porn tot the world but no one could track the credit card payments or bank balances?

Worst of all, they get on a ferry from Dover, and five seconds later they are in the far North Pole in the frozen tundra? Oh and there's a fully stocked dungeon with electricity and wifi broadcasting the murder tortures to the world? Even Idris himself can't save this hot mess. They really should have plotted this out better. Sad. Really sad to end on this note.
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Mythic Quest: Sarian (2022)
Season 3, Episode 7
2/10
Nah. Not good at all
11 January 2023
I was really looking forward to this episode because they have done some particularly good standalone episodes in previous seasons. But this episode just had nothing to say and nowhere to go. I quite liked the actress who played young poppy. But other than that it really didn't group me. Nothing about this is worth the 10 out of 10 reviews that this is getting on IMDb. It was actually quite a slow episode. As others have said in their reviews, I found myself looking at my watch and playing with my phone, because I really didn't feel engaged or connected to the material. Honestly, kinda boring.
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Poker Face (2022)
1/10
What a stinker!
26 November 2022
When I tuned into this, I figured I would be getting a low-grade low budget B movie. This was absolutely unwatchable. It's amazing that someone who has done as many movies as of Russell Crowe has done simply doesn't seem to know how to make a film. The voice over. The dreadful acting. The tediously obvious plot. I will say the scenery was quite nice. And it had some very good artwork. But without a doubt, this is got to be one of the worst Australian movies I've ever seen. It's almost hard to believe that Russell Crowe seems to have learned nothing about filmmaking. Old mate Russ should stick to acting and not try to write or direct.

This is absolutely not worth your time.

I wish there was a way we could give zero stars or negative stars because this should never have been made.
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House of the Dragon (2022– )
1/10
So boring
2 November 2022
Yes the last series of Game Thrones was terrible, no we didn't like the way it ended. But this weak generic clone of the original feels like a sad cash grab. At no point did I feel engaged or entertained. Not a single character mattered to me. I've never understood why people like Matt Smith, I think he ruined Dr Who and he's a lazy actor who seems to phone in every performance from a distance with no real emotion. He's awful in this.

Every scene with a dragon is more watchable but it's still just not entertaining. The endless talking and politics is dull here. I love a bit of Shakespearean drama like Succession but all the tedious family drama broken up by the tiniest bit of action simply does not carry this.

You have none of the guts of the original, and none of the casting and acting strength of the original. I just struggle to care and that wasn't the case with the original: week by week you hung out for the next ep. This though? Eh, go read one of the books, it will entertain you more than this. Lord they spent so much money on it - it cost a fortune. And I struggle to care.

TV in the modern age. It's all maths and metrics and they figured they had the formula to hook us in. They do not.
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3/10
Appalling. The scenery is nice
29 October 2022
Wow what a disgrace. I'm sure the cast enjoyed the trip to Queensland and the scenery is lovely it good lord whet a horrible movie. Did George and Julia hate each other? It's like they couldn't stand talking or standing next to each other. Bored, tedious, pointless and with no redeeming actors or performances past the nice tropical scenery from Australia's great tropical islands and coasts in far North Queensland.

What was the point of this? Not romantic, not comedic and the two superstars superpower leads obviously couldn't have cared less about the script or each other. The writing the acting and the directing sucked. I recommend you watch any other rom com other than this. Truly awful. I paused the movie to write this review, then deleted the movie and didn't bother finishing it.

Yuk.

Yuk.

Yuk.
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8/10
Deadly. Bang on origin story
6 July 2022
Amazing. I was dreading this being a bad prequel with sub standard acting compared to the original Mystery Road with the amazing Arron Pederson. But...wow. This is stunning. Phenomenal acting, brilliant cinematography and photography that just stuns you. Have you ever seen the outback? Yeah I have. I live here and this is it - bang on accurate: feel the dust.

This is the outback writ large on film. Seriously congratulations to everyone involved in this, it's a creative credit to the original, and a new and impressive addition to the Mystery Road series and movies. 10/10.

Look me up, see my reviews, I hate almost everything. I bloody loved this. Gold star folks. If you haven't watched the original series, do yourself a favour and get into that. Then, watch this and thank me. I can't recommend this highly enough. Aussie TV at its best:
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1/10
Tedious garbage
2 June 2022
Spare yourself - this is a turkey of epic proportions. Way too many subtitles, impossible to follow. It feels like Chinese investors bankrolled this and insisted on it being entirely in Chinese. I've seen reviewers giving it 100 out of 100. Unbelievable. I gave it 30 minutes more than it deserved and you shouldn't give it 3 minutes. Awful on every level. Truly the "emperor wears no clothes".

What a waste.

Am I the only one? You people are giving this 8+ out of 10? Hell no. A confused expensive mess pandering to Chinese investors. Bafflingly bad.
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Gaslit (2022)
2/10
So boring. How did this fascinating moment in time end up so dull?
8 May 2022
It's just really really boring. You would think with the casting and with subject matter and with the topic at hand this should have been fascinating. It looks quite glossy and it looks like they spent a lot of money on it but... It's just really boring. I would never have thought that you could make Watergate so dry and so dull. This is a 4 out of 10 at best sadly this was boring and tedious. Who knew?
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Barons (2022– )
1/10
Awful. Worse than Neighbours or Home & Away
28 April 2022
Wow I had high hopes for this. It was meant to be the story of Rip Curl/Quicksilver/Billabong surfwear and a famous chapter in Australia's fashion and cultural history. But the writing was awful just minutes in. It always had the potential to go 'soapie' but to see it suck so hard so quickly made me sad.

I couldn't last one episode. Great idea, great concept, APPALLINGLY executed. I feel bad for the guy from Puberty Blues (which was an ok series) as he's now typecast as the dumb vacant blonde surfer dude.

The pitch would have looked good on paper. But on the screen this sucked so hard. Made me sad to see the potential wasted.

D+

Needed to be complete recast, rewritten and done again.
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3/10
Not worthy of 8 x 30 minute eps
30 January 2022
I love Kristen Bell, she gets a pass for life, for ever because she was Veronica Mars, the best detective ever to grace the screen.

But this is a turkey. It's not funny where it should be, it's too cliché where it shouldn't be. Where they could have put a twist they didn't. It's awfully clunky and so drawn out.

Could have been an easy 90 mins, but it's stretched out for 8 x 30 minute episodes! Nowhere near enough content to sustain that.

They are also surprisingly slow eps. Dull, not worthy of a binge.
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The Tourist (2022–2024)
3/10
Sucked. Watch Mystery Road instead
9 January 2022
This started ok, but after 4 hours, with another 2 hours to go it's just pointless. 6 eps at an hour a piece, that's like watching three 2 hr movies, and there's just not that much story or content here. Love seeing the outback on screen, but there's barely an indigenous Australian to be seen, which feels tone deaf in this day and age. If you somehow like this plodding snooze fest, then you will love Mystery Road. I recommend watching that twice rather than wasting your time on this.

I will mention the weird lack of chemistry and how everyone seems strangely in different scenes and different shows. Poor directing and poor writing? Not sure but everyone is sleep walking through this and none of the across really click. Even the fabulous Damon Herriman seems bored and listless. I should also mention Alex Demitriades' terrible accent, his Greek ancestors would be horrified.

Honestly this is a real chore and sadly the spent a lot of money on this. Clearly there's never going to be a season two, and we should all be thankful for that.

Go watch Mystery Road for some far better Aussie content. Give this a hard pass.
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Midnight Mass (2021)
1/10
So much boring talking
8 November 2021
Ugh it's so many monotonous monologues. I cannot understand how this has a 7.7. It's a 2/10 at best. Endless talking in circles, no action, and a tiny bit of horror and a tiny bit of plot.

It had a lot of potential. But wow was this a slow and boring journey. It looked glossy, but the slow dull plodding pace. If you've ever sat through a boring Mass, or sat in a drafty church then imagine that except for seven hours.

You can watch this on fast forward and skip all the droning monologues and there's maybe 20 minutes in 7 hours worth watching.

Hard pass. The writing and acting makes it feel like 14 hours, not 7.
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1/10
You should all be ashamed of yourselves
19 October 2021
You should all be ashamed of yourselves.

This monstrosity cost $200 million dollars to make! Sadly it made back $700 million.

None of these movies have been particularly good, however the first one was a curious, and interesting plot. Some car thieves got involved in some crime. Fast cars pretty girls some stunts and it was all over. How on earth we have gotten to a point where there is something like 10 movies related to the original plot is beyond me. There are starving people in the world and this amount of money could have been so much better spent. Everyone involved in this movie should be ashamed. They should wake up in the morning and feel disgusted at what a waste of money this movie was. They could have done so very much with this amount of money. You could've fundamentally change the course of a country with this amount of money. You could've lifted a nation from poverty to the first world with this amount of money.

I'm sorry but everyone involved in this should absolutely feel a blot on their conscience and deeply embarrassed and disgraced with how appalling this movie is. Nothing about this movie justify spending $200 million on 2 1/2 hours of very low grade entertainment.

Many people will say oh it's just a car chase movie with a bit of action. I'm sorry but it is not that. This represents the waste of effort and waste of energy and the employment of so few for so much money. Everyone should feel very ashamed and very embarrassed.
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Candyman (2021)
1/10
So dull. Sucked so bad
17 September 2021
Wow what a let down.

16 minutes in I was waiting for something to happen.

30 minutes in I could not imagine sitting though 90 minutes of this.

45 minutes in I knew I'd never finish this.

Beyond dull.

How does stuff like this even get made? None of this gripped me or compelled me. The amount of money they just have spent to make a boring, overwrought, tedious movie at a mere 90 minutes is criminal.

This was a much anticipated horror remake. For the life of me I can't understand why they bothered or who invested in it.

Sucked. Sucked so bad.
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Dr. Death (2021–2023)
3/10
Woeful - the timeline jumps don't help
27 July 2021
Really intriguing premise from a real true crime which my wife and I love, but ugh, we could not follow the timeline jumps, it's all over the place. That just broke the narrative completely and we just lost into. Sad really as there is some great actors in this. But the direction and writing made it impossible to follow what patient and what case and even what city or hospital this was taking place. Huge pass. Another wasted opportunity and madly inflated ratings here. Maybe if someone does a fan edit where they put the whole thing in order it might work? But 3/10 at best from a real reviewer. Give it a miss, read the Wikipedia page or listen to the podcast.
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The Descent (2005)
1/10
Beyond boring
27 March 2021
Seriously this had an 86% on Rotten Tomatoes. It's got a 7.2 here. Nope. Nope, nope, nope.

This is the slowest, dullest thing I've ever seen. It's six women, in the dark, crawling through a cave, slowly. Nothing happens, there is no tension, no horror and most of the screen is black with no colour or light for its whole run time.

Hard pass. This is a 3/10 at best.
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The Serpent (2021)
5/10
An interesting tale but told very slowly
3 February 2021
The acting is strong but the accents are terrible. There are also far more subtitles than I thought they would be. I ended up reading more of a series than I thought I signed up to.

It just jumps around too much. It's three months forward, then six months back, then two months later. The timelines are all over the place and it makes it very confusing and hard to follow. It's just really quite slow and not particularly tense or thrilling. I've heard others review it as a slow burn. Really, it's just quite slow. The actors are all trying very hard and giving at their role but the direction and the writing really lets this down. I think it might of made a quite decent movie or even four episodes. But it's a real stretch to consider it an eight episode story.
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3/10
Meh. Hardly worth their effort or your time.
28 August 2020
Look it's not great. It's kind of okay. I think most of us are going to forgive Keanu Reeves for a lot of stuff, because he seems like a really decent guy. As time goes by we all except that Johnny Depp is not a great human being. But Keanu? Keanu seems like an okay dude.

I don't know what has happened to "Bill" since the last movie, who knows where his career has gone over the last 25 years because I cannot remember seeing him in anything.

Name me one movie he's done since the sequel.

It was obvious from the first few moments what the setup of this movie was going to be.

Somehow a very short 90 minute movie feels like a slow, plotting, drawn out for our epic. On the whole, I cannot tell you that this movie is worth your time.

If you absolutely love Bill and Ted, then you might get something out of this. For the rest of us? I really think you should skip this movie and watch the original one more time.
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