Legendary_Badass Reviews

The Open House (2018)

Possibly the Worst Netflix Orginal Movie That Will EVER Be Made

[1/10 · 26 January 2018]

It's been years since I've bothered to grace IMdB with a review (the axing of the beloved forums gives little reason to visit this site) but I must make an exception for The Open House, which is by leaps and bound the worst Netflix Original film I've seen, and I even stomached the Adam Sandler titles.

This screenplay is so inept, I would think it was aiming for comedy if it weren't taking itself as serious as a heart attack. The buffoonery starts in the opening scene where the teenage son is running down the street. He asks his father for the time, and it's 5:07. They talk about how this is going to open the doors to scholarships. Note: serious runners want time down to the hundredth of a second.

Well, dad is soon offed in a parking lot accident. So what's mom and son to do without him? The answer of course, move into aunt's vacation home in the mountains she just so happens to have on the market. You know, because exploring the "horror" behind an open house inviting strangers into YOUR home should probably have something to do with the protagonists' house being for sell and not one they're merely staying at. Instead, it's like they're on vacation and this is only one of the numerous terrible plot points.

Hope you like characters who don't talk like humans. You're going to get a lot of that in The Open House. There's the creepy neighbor who reminds the widowed mother that her husband died on meeting her. There's also an overly friendly guy working retail whose sole purpose is to be everywhere.

I hope the inept team that worked on this reads this review, if for no other reason so they can learn the following about horror: 1) Having the hot water in the shower repeatedly turn off is not scary. 2) Making multiple trips to a "scary" basement unharmed diminishes the threat. 3) Returning "home" after an open house to find a phone on the table is not scary. 4) Filling your movie with red herrings doesn't automatically make sense of the ending. 5) The one time a horror movie sets up the protagonist as a track star and he gets not payoff.

IMdB, you removed the message boards, but can you please add a feature where users can select cast and crew to a personal list which flags all their past and future work?

G.I. Joe: Retaliation (2013)

G.I. No

[7/10 · 28 March 2013]

2009's G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra was by most accounts an odd flick. The trailer left a bad taste in my mouth. The productions values didn't match the astonishing budget. The script left something to be desired. It may not have been a good movie, but it provided entertainment. Hey, the task to construct a sensible movie out of a toy line littered with sci-fi inspired vehicles and characters who shoot guns without killing each other isn't a walk in the park. It exceeded my admittedly low expectations, and even appeared to set the groundwork for an improved sequel. That sequel is G.I. Joe: Retaliation, but is it an improvement?

There aren't a lot of returning faces among the Joes, the heroic Special Forces squad tasked with saving the world. Duke (Tatum Channing) is now captain of a team, which includes Roadblock (Dwayne Johnson) and Lady Jaye (Adrianne Palicki). The only other returning hero is Snake Eyes (Ray Park), a ninja whose lack of countenance and vocals may as well mark him as unfamiliar. Playing off the conclusion of G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra, the President of the United States has been captured and replaced by a double seeking to rule the world. When the opportunity arises he strikes to wipe out the G.I. Joes.

This time around out heroes have at least one foot grounded in reality. There's no more secret base beneath the pyramids. The cavalcade of Star Wars derived vehicles have been melted for scrap, possibly to construct the contemporary-esque armor worn by the personnel. Though the costumes are awesome, this franchise isn't served well through gritty reinvention. This is no reboot, but a loose continuation akin to what The Incredible Hulk (2008) was to The Hulk (2003). A mere 15 minutes in, a highly unfortunate casting decision lets the air out of the movie, at which point chemistry takes a frag grenade to the chest.

Hard to believe it's been nearly 4 years between releases. This treatment was postponed for the addition of 3D, which this viewer neglected. It's tough enough keeping track of the action in a more traditional format. New director to the franchise, Jon M. Chu (Step Up 2: The Streets), keeps the action dizzying. Save for a stunning ninja battle across cliffs, I couldn't sense out of what I was seeing, who was shooting at what. I heralded the previous film as the best ninja action of the year. Here, I'm not fully convinced any actors completed a given move without the magic of editing. Visual effects are far more realistic, but what good are they when married to a lack of ambition?

The downsized set pieces take away what made G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra unique. So while this movie may appear up to par with bigger names on board, especially an appearance by Bruce Willis, there are few moments that push the envelope. G.I. Joe: Retaliation gets right everything the last movie did wrong, while getting wrong everything it did right. What should have been an easy upgrade becomes a push.

The Expendables 2 (2012)

Another Missed Opportunity

[7/10 · 18 August 2012]

The Expendables 2 reunites a cadre of action hero legends for another outing. This time the elite mercenaries known as the Expendables, led by Barney Ross (Sylvester Stallone) embark on a mission of revenge as they attempt of thwart terrorist Villain (Jean-Claude Van Damme). But they're going to need more heroes so this time Trench (Arnold Schwarzenegger), Church (Bruce Willis), and even Booker (Chuck Norris) join in.

Making good on the promise of the 2010 hit The Expendables, this sequel ups the ante in terms of carnage. Genre fans will be pleased by the near genocide of evil. There are bullet holes, explosions, blunt injuries, capitations, and even impalements which grant this movie its R rating.

Our legends are showing their mileage. The young guns, who are hovering around 40-50, get to jump, kick, dive, etc. The rest of the lot simply stand and shoot automatic rifles, with the exception of Stallone who absolutely must break a sweat in an effort to one-up the competition. For what it's worth, the action is far easier to comprehend this time as director Simon West goes for a more traditional presentation. That look carries it's own burden as The Expendables 2 appears outdated. There's no effort at slow motion or the intricate tracking shots that one expects out of a today's films. That the actors come from a different time doesn't mean the filmmaking techniques should… OK, the CGI helicopters aren't necessarily evocative of Commando.

The Expendables 2 seeks to rebel against the new hero standards which have caught the world on fire. In trying to defy the narrative set forth by the comic book adaptations, we have a series that touts real heroes but delivers cartoons. The Expendables 2 misses the opportunity to address the humanity in its non-superheroes. They don't feel the effects of aging—a better source for comedic material than the obvious resume shout-outs. Spider-Man is more realistic in how he juggles a secret life, sustains injury, and tries to win over the girl. Barney Ross could have in the least been teased over taking Centrum Silver.

Total Recall (I) (2012)

No Mars, No Mutants, No soul

[5/10 · 3 August 2012]

I'm very much anti-remake. If the original worked, leave it alone. In the case of the 1990 Total Recall we had what was built to be the biggest movie yet made starring the biggest movie star around. Yep, that sounds like a viable candidate for remaking.

In a future where most of the Earth is decimated, Douglas Quaid (Colin Farrell) can't shake his adventurous dreams. He heads to Rekall where vacations come in the form of memory transplants. In the process of becoming his own secret agent, Quaid discovers that his life is a lie. Wife Lori (Kate Beckinsale filling in for Sharon Stone but doubling for Michael Ironside and offering the best performance of the film) leads a chase to capture the awakened Quaid. Meanwhile freedom fighter Melina (Jessica Biel) attempts to persuade Quaid into finding his true identity and leading the cause against oppression.

This version of Total Recall does feature some upgrades. Of course visuals have come a long way. Where the original only had one computer-animated sequence involving primitive animated X-rays, this version has all the bells and whistles. There are maglev cars, a myriad of elevators, and a multitude of future housing developments. The art direction is noteworthy albeit not entirely original these days. You can see a frame of the 1990 version and understand immediately what you're looking at with its consumer-ready technology; do the same with this movie and it's another film looking back at Blade Runner. Fight sequences and most of the action come across as deft, if not too numerous.

The omission of the plot to free mars creates a chasm of asinine edits. The people at peril are never characterized. Since they aren't sassy mutants, there's trouble in understanding the context of early fan service. Only two inhabitable territories exist in the world. The Colony as it's called (Australia) fills in for Mars but since it's the early setting of the film there isn't anything majestic about reaching it. The film hops between the Colony and the controlling British Federation with early going ease that it fails to divide acts.

The lack of Arnold Schwarzenegger helps one appreciate Arnold Schwarzenegger. For someone considered a bad actor, we never actually won a Razzie—he actually got an honorary Razzie for failing to win the award, but did get a Golden Globe. Like Sylvester Stallone, Schwarzenegger's typical role at the time of the 1990 original, exuded masculinity. However, the difference is in the touches of humor that always cropped up in the Schwarzenegger films. One can't watch Predator without shouting to get to the chopper. Transversely Stallone's Rambo never brings the fun factor. Looking back at Total Recall (1990), little touches from Arnold make even the most gratuitous of Paul Verhoeven gore strangely comical. That odd nature interjects the ardor today's films overlook. This remake is clinical. No mars, no mutants, no soul.

The Dark Knight Rises (2012)

Relatively a Knightmare

[7/10 · 20 July 2012]

The Occupy Wall Street movement gets to live out a wild fantasy in the closing chapter of Christopher Nolan's Batman saga, The Dark Knight Rises. If you're confused by the naming scheme, you're not alone.

It's been 8 years since Bruce Wayne (Christian Bale) last played dress up in public. Crime is at a minimum across Gotham City, but underground trouble is brewing as new villain Bane (Tom Hardy) plots to seize control of the city. I'm not saying he wants to be come the top dog of the criminal underworld—he wants total control of the city.

Bane is trouble. His strength is fantastic by the standards established in the two previous films of this trilogy. So not only is he a handful, he's problematic in helping this movie get away from Nolan's realism approach. Bane has a breathing apparatus for what purpose I'm not entirely sure of, and his voice is an issue in of itself. Fans treated to the IMAX prologue lodged complaints over his inaudible language. What I heard in the final cut was mostly clear, but noticeably foreign like the words were more narration than diagetic. The ADR by Hardy is too laughable for a villain who must do the occasional public speaking—weren't limelight speeches more a trait of lighter Batman of the '90s?

Not so sure about Batman's plan to trust Selina Kyle (Anne Hathaway), Catwoman in the comics but here is in passing referred to as a cat burglar. The LGBT community may enjoy how Selina is shown as presumably bisexual, they may also balk at the hint. There are times where Hathaway's lines are a little too cute for this almost entirely depressing film.

This is a movie where the bad guy's scheme is so insane that it only works because evidently most people in Gotham City are criminals at heart. If that's true, then Batman certainly isn't the hero the city deserves. The two previous films in this particular series had some imaginative schemes, but they weren't so public as to literally take over a city. Strangely enough last year's megahit video game Batman: Arkham City features a city controlled by criminals in a manner which, I dare say, is more believable.

For many The Dark Knight (2008) is the gold standard, and this film is expected to follow that act. The bar may have been set too high in large part thanks to the late Heath Ledger as the iconic Joker who spewed nothing but memorable material. Tom Hardy's Bane never stood a chance.

At nearly three hours in runtime, The Dark Knight Rises spends almost every minute lowering the heroes. Just when you think it can't get worse for Batman, here comes another scene to drive home the notion. Serious fans will appreciate the integration of key figures, even jokes about the more far-fetched villains Killer Croc and Mr. Freeze. However these same fans will groan over the excessive meandering. It was only in the final battle that I could recognize the spirit of Batman Begins and The Dark Knight. Then a signature Nolan conclusion sweeps in for further damage control, nearly convincing the viewer this wasn't a knightmare.

Moonrise Kingdom (2012)

Charm Incarnate

[8/10 · 13 July 2012]

I've never appreciated Wes Anderson. I've never gone out of my way to see his little corduroy clad hipster films. That's probably because my first exposure to his work came 10 years ago when I rented The Royal Tenenbaums, a movie about nothing more than the posturing of unrealistic traits and staring at the camera head on. His latest effort, Moonrise Kingdom, is my effort to give him a second chance.

It's mid-1960s New England and Khaki Scout Sam (Jared Gilman) is missing. He flew the coupe and Scout Master Ward is tasked with finding him, which fits nicely with the mythos of summer camping. Police Captain Sharp (Bruce Willis) is mounts his own search, only to find that local girl Suzy Bishop (Kara Hayward) has joined Sam. The two plot to get away from the conflicts in their lives, but have to meet with a dose of reality.

The odd style director Wes Anderson has developed over the years goes into full effect. It doesn't matter if it's a stop motion animated map sequence or Edward Norton's childish way of receiving a thrown shoe, there isn't a shot in Moonrise Kingdom lacking in auteur theory stylization. The actors are almost always framed with stage production awareness.

The robotic charm put on by the cast is a perfect fit for the presentation. It's actually quire endearing. That's not to say anyone is particularly believable, but there is an effort to strike against that notion. A strong performance is believable within the context of a film's reality, which isn't always our own. That's what gives this comedy-drama some charm. It's funny that a 12-year old boy paints landscapes and nudes. It's funny that getting hit by lightning goes all but forgotten. For you and I the lingering effects would encompass our entire day, but for Sam it's no biggie.

Another dose of charm comes in the juxtaposition of the harmony created by the kids and the convoluted and bureaucratic world the adults preside over. I could go as far as to say the conclusion is storybook predictable, or the overt bluntness of the narrative cheapens any sense of crafty subtleness. Moonrise Kingdom may be about kids, but the themes and some suggestive material make it more for the adult who recalls The Goonies.

The Amazing Spider-Man (2012)

I Can't Bring Myself to Rate This Movie

[3 July 2012]

The Amazing Spider-Man dresses up a story that everyone in the country already knows, and most have already seen. It achieves a better, less happenstance vision of the origin of the Spider-Man character than the 2002 Spider-Man, which launched Marvel's entire strategy toward brining their catalogue of characters to the screen.

Peter Parker (Andrew Garfield) is in high school when he's bitten by a radioactive spider, which gives him superpowers so he can fight crime. He lives with Aunt May (Sally Field) and Uncle Ben (Martin Sheen), but only for so long. This time his love interest is the less iconic but more comic-oriented Gwen Stacy (Emma Stone).

Director Marc Webb—what a name—makes every effort to make this the series fans want. Spider-Man is the comic book's smart alec. The visual effects are Oscar worthy, featuring fluid combat and artistic attributes that would make the comic book colorists proud. Andrew Garfield's Peter Parker isn't the all out dweeb played up by Tobey Macguire. Still, I have to take some issue with how this film's villain, a lizard mutant played by Rhys Ifans, hears voices in his head. I also can't get past how Spider-Man is skillful enough a tailor to stitch his amazing garb unassisted; maybe instead of scenes showing his skateboarding prowess we could have gotten him knitting.

The Amazing Spider-Man is presented in 3D, and I did see it as thus. In the more static scenes of dialog I lifted the plastic frames to see if anything was 3D at all, and the screen was almost entirely clear to the naked eyes. Even during the more intense moments the 3D didn't push to the extremes, where I find double vision occurs. For the most part there were maybe three moments where 3D filmmaking was really an objective and two of these bookend the movie.

The Amazing Spider-Man is considerably better than Spider-Man (2002) and the latest Marvel flick The Avengers. The people tasked with making it deserve praise, but the process for which it came to be is entirely unscrupulous. Marvel and Sony purposely crafted an awful Spider-Man 3 to build support for a reboot effort. This movie is the child of a bean counter's inartistic, unapologetic effort to make a sure buck. I'm sick of what the industry has become. Shamed to have bought into the notions, I now see that a movie which gives a too familiar origin tale can not be truly recommended. N/A

See my video review of The Amazing Spider-Man at my site VaughnOnMovies.com.

That's My Boy (2012)

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree, but it does roll

[5/10 · 13 June 2012]

Buckle up! There's a new, raunchier Adam Sandler comedy in town. In That's My Boy the of late family man takes on the role of Donny Berger, a washed up reality star trying to reconnect with his grown son.

In 1984 Donny Berger (Sandler) was the kid who wowed America by living his dream. In other words he had sex with his teacher Ms. McGarricle (Eva Amurri), to such an apparent extent that she becomes pregnant with his child. Acknowledging the law, Donny has to raise the child as a child.

Years after what little star power Donny possessed has faded, he's behind on his taxes. A promising TV reunion could bail him out, but the trick to pulling it off lies in tricking his now grown and successful son Todd (Andy Samberg), who is in the middle of wedding festivities, into visiting dear old mom.

I'm going to groan my way through some superlatives, but there are refreshing elements to be found within That's My Boy. The crudest and rudest of Sandler comedies, there's a graduated level of humor. Less toilet humor, more sex humor. Donny is an unapologetic, uncontrollable mess, which makes for a more appealing Sandler than successful-family-man Sandler. Among the burnout clichés that Sandler lampoons: a Pontiac Fiero, reliance on audiotapes, and always a beer in hand.

How R rated is That's My Boy? The tame moments involve implied sexual encounters with senior citizen. Efforts go toward the gross-out effect, but never achieve Brüno or Farrelly brothers levels of reaction. It's like cussing out someone when you don't know the language.

The Happy Madison team may have upgraded their act, but there are still ingrained fallbacks. Conveniently starting in the '80s provides for a circumstance for Sandler's '80s music to take over the film. I do have to give due props for the score which is reminiscent of films of the era, recalling Tangerine Dream and Vangelis. Celebrity cameos are numerous and mostly deplorable. I wonder how well Rex Ryan's turn as a New England Patriots fanatic will hold up should in a year's time he's out of a job or never finds a Super Bowl ring with the Jets. The more reliable running gag is Vanilla Ice, a celebrity whose situation is known by all. Being washed up himself, I can envision Ice's manager denoting That's My Boy as his comeback, likely referencing Mike Tyson's work in The Hangover. I have some bad news for you Mr. Van Winkle, these Sandler films are far more expendable. You should have plotted your Sandler buddy comedy in the mid to late '90s.

The formula for the plot is entirely predictable, but the structure is reliable. Of course Donny and Todd are going to rub each other the wrong way only to find some common ground. It's not a new idea, but That's My Boy moves along well enough that boredom doesn't have time to be established. As strange as this may come across, the antics of That's My Boy are more enjoyable than the Darwin Award intelligence of the scientists found in Prometheus—yes, I went there. These are dofusses in a world where sex with the teach is praised, which beats morons playing out an expensive space drama.

That's My Boy is a slightly more competent film than the latest guise of the Sandler movie. There's even gags the writers recall with a degree of competency. The lack of maturity found in Billy Madison finds itself taking on a more adult-oriented lack of maturity. So, if you grew up with the lazy millionaire you may have very well witnessed his fall to depravity. That's how Billy grows up.

Check out my video review as well as all of my reviews at my website VaughnOnMovies.com

Prometheus (I) (2012)

Could be the worst film linked, even vaguely, to Alien and that's saying a lot these days

[4/10 · 9 June 2012]

The Alien formula (enter cave, encounter creature, return to ship and deal with stowaway) is remarkably effective and possibly played out. So what happens when the prequel Prometheus presents a similar scenario?

With Prometheus, the highly anticipated follow-up ala prequel to Alien (1979), many of the original brains are on board including director Ridley Scott. This time archaeologist Elizabeth Shaw (Noomi Rapace) is on an exploratory space mission to find who she believes is responsible for life on Earth, an alien race she calls the "Engineers." Joining Shaw are android David (Michael Fassbender), and rich girl Meredith Vickers (Charlize Theron) and a crew of too many aboard the titular science vessel.

It's with a heavy heart that I can't sing the praises of the film which I had calculated would be the best Hollywood would have to offer this summer, if not all of 2012. The cinematography, art design, and some performances are the boundaries of that praise.

The beauty of the 1986 sequel, Aliens, is in the exit from the sci-fi horror subgenre and metamorphosis into a sci-fi action film. Let's be honest, horror sequels do not work… at all. They're formulaic. A new group of oblivious folks happen upon Camp Crystal Lake or Elm Street and have to catch up with the knowledge of the viewers. Alien³ (1992) played more like the first than the second; it's Alien on ground for that matter. Afterward the series attempted to adopt the spirit of Aliens to various degrees of failure.

Creatures, hornets, even lions attacking and devouring humans don't require much explanation or motivation for their actions. Hunger and instinctual survival are commonplace motivations that audiences can accept without issue. When the creature is a giant, advanced humanoid that has created technology and civilizations—there better be a heck of a motive. Prometheus prods audiences into anticipating a sequel, which may never happen, for the answers to questions raised by this foul script.

As the plot continues to unravel, there is a combined effort to askew all continuity with the '79 film, leaving me to believe that this isn't the same planet and if that truly is the case we have no business being in this theatre. I suppose I could write a prequel to Rocky that doesn't feature Rocky Balboa but since Joe Sixpack is a boxer he serves the same purpose and the big reveal could be that it takes place in New York City. So long as they visit the same pet store, it's a prequel.

Somewhat boldly, Prometheus doesn't adhere to the Alien formula. No, these scientists can't make an exciting movie out of an expedition because they're too busy traveling to and from the site and ship. Try and imagine Aliens had Ellen Ripley repeatedly returned to the Colonial Marine's spacecraft, only to head back to LV-426 because Newt got lost in the tunnel. Better yet, think about Alien if the crew voted to quarantine themselves to the plant and consider their company's intentions. Prometheus could very well be the worst film linked, even vaguely, to Alien and that's saying a lot these days. At least Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem had the familiar creatures.

See my video review and all my reviews at my website VaughOnMovies.com and follow me on Twitter @VaughnFry.

Battleship (2012)

Well, It Doesn't Sink

[7/10 · 19 May 2012]

In Battleship, the film based on the classic naval guessing game, Taylor Kitsch plays Lieutenant Alex Hopper, an unpolished navy prospect hurdled into a leadership role when aliens attack Hawaii during an international navel exercise.

These aliens as somewhat humanoid and crustaceanesque. Surprise, surprise there isn't a great deal of thought put into them as characters. OK, there's isn't any effort whatsoever. It's a Battle Los Angeles scenario, but even less so as they're not even here for our resources. They do have toys. I say toys because they play with the human warships and are surely designed to end up in plastic form as Walmart. There's a ship that hops across the sea for no apparent engineering purpose. They also deploy spheres that can bifurcate anything.

I'm taken back by the amazing amount of attention to detail found in the setup for human characters. Hopper is made out to be such a goof that it's initially a stretch to believe he's the protagonist. He brakes into a convenience store in a scene that quite comically mimics infamous security camera footage. There's even a soccer sequence that looks better than most sports films. Credit that to director Peter Berg of Friday Night Lights, the TV series spin- off of which produced star Kitsch. The trailer doesn't hint at esteemed performances, but Kitsch gets it together. Hopper has a drastic arc that most films of late forget to include. His main buddy Raikes (pop superstar Rihanna) does no harm in her debut. Same goes for budding talent, supermodel Brooklyn Decker. These aren't the most robust roles, but established actresses wouldn't have improved upon the final product.

As par for the course the humans are hopelessly outgunned. The situation sounds more like the attack on Pearl Harbor than it appears, and the coming together of American and Japanese forces is reminiscent of the unification films that preached the North and South as Americans. This is further bolstered once the vets come on board, helping to man the USS Missouri, giving the film its titular battleship. Good luck finding a summer blockbuster with an audience this old in mind.

It's shocking that Battleship is watchable, but even more surprising that the board game gets worked into the plot without causing eyes to roll. Calling it a popcorn movie sounds like an exception, as though it's allowed to be stupid or shallow so long as it's entertaining. I'm not overlooking the plot holes, and if you expect a giant production to have more refinement then Battleship isn't going to float your boat. It does some things better than The Avengers . With comparatively lower expectations, Battleship arguably has an easier course to make good on delivering.

Check out video review of Battleship as well as all my reviews as my website VaughnOnMovies.com

Dark Shadows (2012)

Destined to be Overshadowed

[6/10 · 12 May 2012]

Barnabas Collins (Johnny Depp) is a vampire, buried for 196 years and awaken in 1972. The witch who cursed him to this fate, Angelica (Eva Green), has control of the town that his family built from the ground up. Can Barnabas rally his existing family to defeat Angelica and save the fishing industry?

Director Tim Burton has assembled his troops. Dark Shadows features Johnny Depp, Helena Bonham Carter, and composer Danny Elfman. All of whom are vets of his films. To retain talent at this rate, Burton must be doing something right. Unfortunately Dark Shadows isn't one of their brightest moments.

The 1972 setting is mostly disclosed through song. Dark Shadows is no musical, but the classic rock and pop soundtrack carries the movie more than any other single element. Don't jump too fast at dolling out credit; it's not that difficult to select songs most patrons are going to enjoy when they've had 40 years to grow on us.

Depp is good as the fish out of water. He's not fantastic and frankly, like most of Dark Shadows, his performance will go forgotten soon after viewing. It's not for a lack of production value, but more for an effort to mimic TV format. Now I'm not familiar with the television show Dark Shadows which this film is based, but it's too obvious that TV plot lines dominate the film. It boils down to Barnabas sleeping around and murdering to the point that a happy ending isn't just. If you're expecting a dark comedy, the trailer will suffice.

I honestly struggled to recall if I had fallen asleep, missing several touching scenes of between Barnabas and Victoria (Bella Heathcote), the young governess who has arrived in town just as Barnabas has returned. Perhaps the context is lost when it's glossed over via montage, one that focuses more on Barnabas struggling to find suitable sleeping quarters than their blossoming romance. It's something that a love story skips out on the heart.

There's a bevy of characters I'm not even going to bring up because they simply have no impact on the story as individuals. The writing seems to know this, making one a werewolf just to have something interesting occur. Again, I'm sure the TV series had time to hint at this surprise while this movie throws in an unwanted twist.

Tim Burton was at one time an auteur of unique vision, but for over a decade he's done nothing but remakes, reboots, and adaptations of established works. Dark Shadows certainly looks like his movie, combining a morbid scenario with white makeup and giant eyes. I can't help but think how magnificent it could be for Burton to apply his trademarks to new concepts.

Check out my video review as well as my other reviews at my site VaughnOnMovies.com

The Pirates! Band of Misfits (2012)

Breaks the Mold

[8/10 · 18 April 2012]

The Pirates! Band of Misfits is another wonderful addition to the Aardman Animations family of stop motion adventures, masterfully fulfilling the needs of children and their parent's alike.

Pirate Captain (Hugh Grant) wants the Pirate of the Year award desperately. After seeing the booty pulled in by Black Bellamy (Jeremy Piven) and Cutlass Liz (Salma Hayek), Pirate Captain goes on a looting spree. After attacking worthless ships, Pirate Captain and his crew encounter Charles Darwin (David Tennant) who informs him that the real treasure may be under his nose, but to claim glory the pirates will have to enter London where Queen Victoria (Imelda Staunton) wants all pirates dead.

The last family friendly film I reviewed was Arthur Christmas, another Aardman animations productions from Sony. Arthur Christmas wasn't quite as suggestive with the humor, and tried to make up for it with sheer volume. Much of the humor in The Pirates! plays out in the background and well beyond the comprehensions of the children in attendance. They can grasp the plot, the fun of the sight gags, and the lively characters, but the parent can appreciate the grander aspects and dare I say historical elements.

It's nothing for a computer generated animated film to do the impossible, or rather what would be impossible with conventional means. It's far more the feat when modeled figures do just as much. Stripping away the dialog, which is great, leaves a visual art that can still make a spectacle. Director Peter Lord is to his craft as Jim Henson was to puppets. As amazed as this reviewer is of the animation, I wish those promoting it had as much faith as the poster is computer rendered.

Hugh Grant wasn't entirely necessary to make The Pirates! Band of Misfits enjoyable, and his American pirate may be a misnomer. Piven and Hayek might have 10 lines between them, and typically when a character gets the star entrance, as they did, you expect them to have a more prominent role. There might even be some fall out from feminists for the lack of emphasis on the character known as Surprisingly Curvaceous Pirate, but I find it refreshing to have such a character included without making her an agent to introduce an agenda.

The Pirates! Band of Misfits breaks the mold. What we have here is a fun family film that entertains the kids and parents don't have to simply tolerate it. There's going to be a lot of sequels and remakes this summer, even an original computer animated movie or two, but there surely won't be another feature like this.

Check out my video review of The Pirates! and all my other reviews on my site VaughnOnMovies.com

The Hunger Games (2012)

Saved by Jennifer Lawrence

[7/10 · 24 March 2012]

The Hunger Games benefits heavily from movie-by-marketing filmmaking, at least in terms of exposure. Sourced from a series of popular young adult novels by Suzanne Collins, the opening weekend is expected to make bank if not rewrite records.

Katniss Everdeen (Jennifer Lawrence) has volunteered to take her sister's place in the upcoming Hunger Games, a state sanctioned gladiatorial event for kids ages 12-18. Presented as a TV show that keeps the 12 districts involved from uprising, Katniss is trained in both survival skills as well as presentation. Her mentors consist of Effie Trinket (Elizabeth Banks), Cinna (Lenny Kravitz), and most importantly Haymitch (Woody Harleson).

Sadly there's at least a solid hour of buildup for a rather lackluster blood sport. Blame the PG- 13 rating if nothing else. The entire film is shot with a disproportionate shot selection. If you're into seeing the wrinkles on Elizabeth Banks, The Hunger Games is your movie. I haven't seen this many close-ups since Speed 2: Cruise Control. If the audience is seeing nothing but a blur of faces, they sure aren't seeing violence. Another thing they're not seeing is set decoration.

As the story develops it becomes painfully obvious how this tale panders to the female psyche, resulting in a concoction that drives them to theatres. There's Katnis, the working class yet stylish heroine. She's talented with a bow and arrow, though I wonder how this futuristic society has overlooked the developments we have in compound bow technology. The men are cowardice. especially Peeta (Josh Hutcherson) who is teemed with Katnis as her counterpart to represent District 12.

In just the realm of cinema it's obvious there are two sources of inspiration. The gorific reality TV comes from The Running Man (1987). The kid vs. kid aspect is found in Battle Royale (2000). It's the latter that compares best. Kinji Fukasaku's Battle Royale is a tighter, more action packed, more dramatic, even funnier film. A classroom of children think they're going on a trip, but land on a deserted island with orders to kill each other. They watch a comical training video instead of sit through days of flashy interviews, chariot rides, and jungle gym exercise. The wildcards thrown in to keep the game progressing are truly fearsome and endless more probable than a computer program's summed canines. With each death in Battle Royale emotions pour out. We learn that everyone is connected, that some feelings need to come out, the value of friendship, and the price sustaining one's life. With The Hunger Games there are some bounds forged, buy the adventure puts them through few tests.

The casting of Academy Award nominee Jennifer Lawrence does so much for the film that I wouldn't be shocked in the least if she didn't receive and Oscar nomination. You'll note how Kristen Stewart leads the fangirl series that is being unseeded, and that no one has ever considered her Bella Swan for anything other than a Razzie. If not for the eyes that speak without words of Lawrence, The Hunger Games would be a complete disaster. I can't stop you from seeing it but I'd like to encourage you to check in on the true source material, the aforementioned films.

You can check out my (some would say comical) video review at my site VaughnOnMovies.com

21 Jump Street (2012)

A Mockery

[2/10 · 9 March 2012]

Schmidt (Jonah Hill) and Jenko (Channing Tatum) are inept rookie cops. The chief assigns them to an undercover squad comprised of young looking police officers who pose as high school students. Their first assignment is to infiltrate a burgeoning drug ring selling dealing what's called HFS.

The last time anyone saw Hill in a feature film he didn't look anything like this. It's obvious that 21 Jump Street was filming somewhere in-between his recent weigh loss. Scholars could looks back at this as the initial phase of Skinny Jonah Hill, and from all I can tell a dire career move. A healthy lifestyle is important, but when you're a young actor with a lofty gimmick it's advised you stick with it.

Our other lead, Tatum, is far outside his comfort zone of dancing and combat roles. As one of the few who saw last year's The Dilemma I assume you Channing Tatum had no ounce of comedic timing in that film. Instead of playing the foil to Hill, Tatum's Jenko is also represented as a comedic character. Shockingly dumb, he can't remember the Miranda warning. But not only are the leads played up as fools, every breathing character in the film's world has been dealt the same surreal card.

Punchlines and sight gags abound in what sounds like a serious plot. The YouTube demographic gets service through the colorful titles that appear during the phases of a HFS high. They're weak efforts but do offer sheer numbers to overpower less analytical audiences. In the past I have indeed found myself falling into the laughter along with the crowd, much like how the peer pressure gets to the students of this movie, but the closest I could come to mustering but a smile came by a quip from Ice Cube of all people.

Back on track with the story. High school has changed a lot since our heroes graduated in 2005—if you can look at them and buy that. What made Schmidt a nerd now makes him part of the cool crowd. Sports are all but shunned, leaving Jenko on the outside. This might be the surprise of 21 Jump Street that is to say if the film offers one. It took some guessing to identify the drug supplier, more a fault of the bizarre writing—there isn't an adult figure in the school who cares about the well-being of students.

Despite sharing a title and cameos from the most famous leads of the series, 21 Jump Street bares so little in common with the TV show that the only comparable films is the unrated home release of 2005's The Dukes of Hazzard. 21 Jump Street is one lowbrow, violent, swear-ridden, manic flick that's as mature as its director duo of Phil Lord & Chris Miller.

21 Jump Street is without shame, even going to the extent of taunting the audience with its referential nod toward the remake/reboot movement. Even speaking as a non-fan of the TV series, I find the mockery overbearing. It's not simple enough to say they flipped a TV drama into a teen comedy, they flipped it into a particularly crude one.

Check out my video review at site VaughnOnMovies.com

Project X (2012)

Makes The Hangover Look Like Adventures in Babysitting

[8/10 · 3 March 2012]

Project X is not the kind of movie I expected to enjoy. It takes the overplayed gimmick of fictional found footage (shot supposedly by tweaked out teens) and uses it to hold the flag for all things irresponsible. It may at the same time it carries the burden of frankness few teen comedies offer.

Underachiever Thomas Kub (Thomas Mann) is celebrating his birthday, which coincided with his parents' anniversary. They've left him in charge of the house, but his three friends force his hand into throwing the most epic of parties.

In the traditional sense the brash teen comedy has always incorporated a party scene. Many have been as bold to display the party as the focal point for a night of revelations. Usually this is nothing more than a collection of clichés. The jock bully is dating the innocent hot girl who happens to be the object of the introverted protagonist's affection. His plump friend provides the slapstick. Debauchery is civil.

In Project X most of this is turned upside down. For starters the information age takes an active role as the narrative comes from every camera on the scene. This is nearly identical to the device found in Chronicle where telekinetic teens shoot themselves experimenting with their powers. Project X takes this to another level in terms of the screenplay. Seeing teenagers wreck themselves so candidly hits the older viewers hard, the only way to make it a more cautionary tale would be to have deadly consequences. When an adult neighbor threatens to shutdown the fun, his actions are caught on video and used to blackmail him. An argument out of earshot is played out through pantomime. The unrealistic advantage of focus, lighting, and amazing sound do force some suspension of disbelief.

The party itself lives up to the billing, and then some. You've heard of being the life of the party, but this thing makes itself a character. Like a monster it consumes a neighborhood. There's something genuine about the collection of bodies not simply standing around holding red plastic cups and advance subplots—the plot is how to control this beast. Hiring 12-year old security guards probably wasn't the best idea.

Our heroes aren't likable, but that's what makes them interesting. They talk the big game of high school boys. Their performances are genuine. The arrogant Costa (Oliver Cooper) is particularly charming. The girls that arrive for the bash are surreally beautiful, and in hyperbolic quantity. It would be easy to write off the female characters as nothing more than over-sexed, one-dimensional shells. The two that stand out are Kirby (Kirby Bliss Blanton) and Alexis (Alexis Knapp). The former is the friend of the group, the latter the most desired girl of the film. Do either engage in an over-the-top showdown? No, and in an even bigger surprise the hot girl isn't the mean girl.

What initially struck me as a surely aimless movie filling the fantasies of the recreational drug crowd engaged me with its kinetic energy and dare I say authenticity. I have to hand it to a movie that makes good on its promise. Directed by first timer Nima Nourizadeh but produced by Todd Phillips, a comparison to The Hangover is inevitable. Project X makes The Hangover look like Adventures in Babysitting.

Vist my site VaughnOnMovies.com to see my video review.

The Grey (2011)

A Man's Movie

[9/10 · 28 January 2012]

Liam Neeson may be the oldest white actor capable of playing the tough guy without being the old tough guy. Throughout The Grey he does what he can to lead plane crash survivors through the frozen tundra of Alaska, and no one questions his age.

Director Joe Carnahan takes the audience into a bleak lifestyle amid the Alaskan pipeline. Ottway (Neeson) makes it through with flashbacks of his wife and a chilling voice over. The crash is shown from within the plane and avoids many of the common theatrics. No one is clearly shown being sucked out. For that matter most of the visual effects cast a less than ideal lighting circumstance, which drives home the motif.

Injuries, freezing winds, and a lack of food are enough foes for any survivors, but our heroes are being pursued by wolfs. I'm not suggesting that it's impossible, but the behavior of these creatures puts on quite the show. They've certainly seen Halloween. Credulity is also being pushed to limits when the standards line such as "who made you the leader" have to be muttered and one hothead fancies a brawl. Of course Neeson's dominance of the narrative makes him a safe bet, and his buddies a risk.

As the film wears on I wanted to buy these blokes more time. Despite how simple the premise I'm sure I could have been entertained for 3 hours. Maybe if the other guys had more spotlight scenes they wouldn't feel so much like Ottway's human shields.

The story is simple enough that a big reveal at the end is somehow more effective for the sake that no one was waiting for it. This isn't mystery. What The Grey manages to do with the underexplored is leave the viewer with less question and more statements.

The Grey is a man's movie. Fatigue and despair translate with the same forceful impact of the physical blows the survivors endure. It's also a perfect example as to why one should wait for the monk's reward at the end of the credits.

Haywire (2011)

Packs some punches—in a carry-on

[5/10 · 20 January 2012]

The kick-butt female action flick is the only way action junkies can get a fix away from the Redbox renegades and whatever Jason Statham has been up to. There's just something more PC about a girl crunching bones in the 2010's, in the least there's something marketable. When I was a kid, anything with a female protagonist was by default for girls. Might as well paint her guns barrels pink and slap a Hello Kitty decal on the boots.

Obviously something has changed when two female led actionfests (Underworld: Awakening, Haywire) can open nationwide on the same weekend. A quick look at the two films shows that the leads couldn't be more different. Underworld: Awakening has classical beauty Kate Beckinsale doing, with the aid of computers, the maneuvers that Haywire star Gina Carano has mastered in MMA sporting events.

Haywire takes a very played out story about betrayal and interjects the newfound feminist biological weapon. Mallory Kane (Carano) is on the run. She's been setup and I probably shouldn't say much more about it. Unfortunately I can confirm that there isn't a sound reason beyond jealousy for her to be in this position.

Director Steven Soderbergh has a habit of taking non-actors and placing them at the front of his work. Carano is his latest find. She does well with her lines, but I can't help to think exchanges were simplified for her benefit. There isn't an effort to coax a performance out of her as she's set on maintaining indifference. What she does bring to the table is a multitude of cool looking moves. Springboarding off a wall for kick and twisting through the air with a punch sure look sweet and go a long way in making something out of this nothing.

As for the filmmaking techniques on hand, Haywire is descriptive Soderbergh. For the heck of it, there is a Quincy Jones inspired score that overrides action scenes. I've never seen a movie have as tough of a time picking a look and going with it. A few outdoor scenes are desaturated, indoor oversaturated, natural lighting at the end… it's like these are scenes lifted from other movies then pasted together.

Haywire packs some punches—in a carry-on. Cool fisticuffs here and there, some interesting takes on stunt driving, but the story doesn't hold it all together. Hopefully Carano can develop into an actress, but this isn't a star-making turn. **

Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy (2011)

Call it the opposite of Mission: Impossible - Ghost Protocol

[7/10 · 6 January 2012]

Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy is the exact opposite of Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol. There aren't any stunts and the protagonist acts his age. This is an old school, plausible tale of espionage. I don't even recall the Tom Cruise of this movie running.

George Smiley (Gary Oldman) is a recently retired British intelligence expert called back into duty to expose a double agent at the top of MI6. Some of the work has been done for him by his former boss Control (John Hurt). With the field narrowed to five individuals, Smiley gathers information to determine who is giving information to the Russians.

The paranoia within the circus is widespread. No two people can trust each other. A simple scene shows Peter (Benedict Cumberbatch) entering an elevator within the compound. The camera lingers on him and a sign that stresses the importance of closing the door after use so that others can call the elevator. Of course when Peter exits there is no thought of closing the door. It would have been traditional for a number of characters voice their concerns, so this far craftier conveyance deserves praise. But the story doesn't end there. Subtext overpowers the actual narrative. There are so many moments of termite art that one can lose focus on the spy hunt.

Suspense isn't all in the reveal; that's something director Tomas Alfredson can't seem to grasp. In Let the Right One In a vampire is created only to die at the moment of that realization. The payoff: a fiery effects death that removes what could have been a formidable character while adding a scene that has no impact on the story. In Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy there is a book full of characters thanks to John le Carré, a few too many for a concise film. Despite wonderful spotlight moments, few thrillers are this boring. Not to say that there's a lack of action—which is true—but any plans of action are kept secret from the audience. What should be a climax is simply a scene leaving the audience with questions. It's anticipation that builds suspense, not the resolve.

The film carries the aesthetics of Masterpiece Theatre. It's hard not notice how some scenes are shot with an unacceptable amount of noise, which would have been fine had it been consistent. There's no effort at spectacle whatsoever. Even the sluggish music sounds like it was culled from a bin of discounted tapes. The set decoration and costumes are true to the early '70s , offering the visual appeal for the movie.

Gary Oldman is believable and understated. Perfect for the role. I don't want to get into who else does what as spoilers can be easily dropped. Let me say that the cast is effective.

Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy leaves the viewer with a path to the correct interpretation. It's not the easiest read, but it appears the story is sound.

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo (2011)

The Year's Best Remake of a Recent Swedish Film

[7/10 · 20 December 2011]

The Hollywood version of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo offers few surprises for the seasoned viewer of the 2009 Swedish original. Yes, it has come to the point that we can't wait long enough to rip-off foreign markets. To its credit director David Fincher manages to inject the compelling mystery with his auteur pizazz, though the Bond-esque ink laden title sequence may have been overkill.

Mikael Blomkvist (Daniel Craig) is a magazine editor on the verge of financial collapse after losing a libel trial. When an assignment appears before him to investigate a murder from 50 years ago, with an enticing offer of the dirt needed to clear his name, he takes it. With the help of an eccentric investigator by the name of Lisbeth (Rooney Mara), Mikael finds himself investigating not one murder but a series.

At some point studios are going to figure out that Daniel Craig is not the answer to their casting problems. Here, he's too cool under pressure. I'm no magazine editor, but I don't figure that they handle being kidnapped like James Bond would. He hardly seems bothered.

Rooney Mara mutilates her hair and body for this role, receiving more piercing than I'd care to describe. Her accent is highly authentic, more so than Craig's to say the least. I'm not a fan of how she has decided to sell out her body for realism, but Mara does have the most genuine performance of the film.

Because of her unorthodox appearance, it can be troublesome for an audience to root for Lisbeth. To accomplish this she's put into a compromising situation involving rape, to which end we can take joy in her revenge. It's an effective tactic, but I question the nature in which she is exploited, making for a largely anti-male narrative. Not only that but The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo (2011) makes the same lazy circle as the 2009 film. Random acts of violence happen in the real world, but in a movie the unlikely is frowned upon. When a thief damages Lisbeth's Macbook Pro, she has to see he newly appointed guardian, a sex maniac, and trade services for an allowance to have her computer replaced. So ultimately she ends up back where she started, she had a laptop, and now she has a laptop. This choice makes a nearly 3- hour movie. In fact an entire film goes by before Lisbeth and Mikael meet.

The discrepancies between this and the 2009 Swedish films are few until the mystery is solved. As the movie struggles to conclude we find a flashback that has been nixed, replaced by a brief aural tale. Fincher then moves to resolve everything presented in the first half, so Lisbeth becomes a busy girl following up with friends and doing favors.

I wasn't crazy about the 2009 film, but I certainly respect it. I can't find myself respecting a blatant cash-in regardless of its individual merits.

Mission: Impossible - Ghost Protocol (2011)

A 2 Hour BMW Commercial

[7/10 · 18 December 2011]

Operative Ethan Hunt (Tom Cruise) is back in action in Brad Bird's live action directorial debut. The Pixar famed director joins the superstar on this jaunt across the Eastern hemisphere. The Impossible Mission Force is dissolved after taking blame for a bombing. Ethan and his remaining colleagues must attempt to prove their innocence while also averting world war.

Their first stop takes them to Dubai. The team has a brilliant plan ready, but a change put Ethan outside of the Burj Kalifa, the world's tallest building. Not only is it amazing to see a person climbing and swinging across this building—screw computers— but that Tom Cruise does his own work makes for heightened suspense. This is even followed by a foot and car chase under the cloak of a sand storm. Either of these make for a memorable signature event.

Beneath the thrilling daredevil action lies a critical problem. The screenplay for Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol works to set up chases, gunfights, and stunts. Some of the characters have backstories that stretch back as far as the last installment, which is acceptable, but the villain of the film is nothing but a haphazardly written necessity. Do you need a bad guy for Ethan and co to take down? Yes. Does Michael Nyqvist play this part? Yes, but only to the most minimal of requirements. In Hendricks, a man who made some speech about how nuclear war would bring world peace, there is no gusto. He's a shell with no fire inside. Hendricks lacks a believable motive, has no emotions, memorable lines, etc. One of the first things anyone writing an action thriller should know is to make a quality villain. Without effort in this area, others suffer. Our simple villain has an uninspiring plan.

Product placement is nothing new, but BMW's involvement in Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol deserves scrutiny. There have been BMW sponsored Bond films, but that didn't mean that nearly everything he touched became a BMW. In Ghost Protocol Ethan his struck by a BMW, then hops into one to pursue. He even gets access to a prototype concept car (despite his team being supposedly cutoff) and is able to make use of a new Bimmer inside a jukebox- style automated parking garage. Every car serves to show off a safety feature, it's like a 2 hour commercial.

There have been three consistencies with the Mission: Impossible film franchise. One of those is Tom Cruise. Another is the transformative power of masks used throughout the series, allowing spies to take on identities with perfect accuracy. This has always been achieved by having an actor play double, but the process of constructing masks changes with each installment. Here the fun is in not getting around to using them. The last consistency has been Luther, Ethan's right-hand man played by Ving Rhames. Initially I was upset that someone who had survived three of these movies couldn't make it into round four as his name doesn't appear among the cast, but rest assured Luther makes a proper appearance.

Ethan's support staff has the usual stock of characters. Paula Patton is the hot tough chick Jane. Simon Pegg returns to lend comic relief and work gadgets. Meanwhile Jeremy Renner is Brandt, an analyst who falls in with the team but of course has a secret.

Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol works to establish spectacle. The stunts and effects are awe-inspiring. Seeing Tom Cruise scale the Burj Khalifa is worth the IMAX enhanced admission price alone. As a narrative, it falls flat. The execution of the plot is amiss. The silly logic of the foe lacks credulity. Even the comedic efforts are underwhelming, particularly from womanizer Brij Nath (Anil Kapoor). Shame there isn't more under the dust storm.

Arthur Christmas (2011)

Another Adventure-Meets-Family-Lesson Flick for the Holidays

[6/10 · 21 November 2011]

Every year Santa brings gifts to some 600 million kids, and all within a single night. To accomplish this feat he has a small army of elves, and a sleigh-shaped airship called the S1. The commando elves descend upon towns and deliver goodies to the kiddies proportionate to their level of "good" while the big guy Santa (voiced by Jim Broadbent) is simply a figurehead. Son Steve (Hugh Laurie) heads all operations and is fully expecting to be crowned the next Santa, but when a girl is skipped over it's the heir's spare the titular Arthur Christmas (James McAvoy) who makes it his mission to deliver the last present.

The Christmas film genre has something of a subgenre concerning the explanation of how Santa works his magic. There's usually a play on the traditional. Maybe Santa has a technologically modified suit, or in this case he's fitted with a beret. Many times the sleigh has rockets, but here it's interesting how the folklore sleigh has been decommissioned.

First time director Sarah Smith holds things together, and in 3D. The trouble is there isn't much new to see. The British Santa is different from the norm, but once gramps and Arthur start their sleigh ride the movie gets highly repetitive. They land in the wrong place, elves exclaim that a kid was skipped, effort is made to level emotions, and they set off yet again. There's a madcap dash to get the bike to the girl at the end, culminating in an ill-advised wrapping of the bike while Arthur rides it through town in a race with the sun. How jaded am I that this doesn't strike me as high thrills?

This is a movie about a super-sonic sleigh ride through the sky, but even within the right context there are things that simply don't add up. For instance, the elves can do all the work yet for no explained reason Santa has to deliver one of the gifts within a given town in order for them to move on to the next. There's also way too much fuss made over Santa being spotted, which should happen from time to time if he wants to keep getting credit. As simple as the story is it's amazing how many times the inciting incident is repeated for the sake of the audience. Arthur himself is terribly banal. His job is to read all the letters to Santa and carry about a jolly attitude with all of one dimension.

Arthur Christmas offers the expected lesson on family, is more than adequate in adventure, but isn't joyously memorable. Parents can sit through it, and some jokes such as the military jargon are aimed at them. There's even a Dubya "Mission Accomplished" banner, but who hasn't done that?

Vaughn Fry of VaughnOnMovies.com

Jack and Jill (I) (2011)

Sandler put the "F U" in 'Failure"

[1/10 · 10 November 2011]

Jack is a highly successful director of television commercials. For Thanksgiving his outlandish twin sister Jill (Sandler, again) comes to visit. Despite efforts to get her to leave, matters get complicated when Jill catches the eye of famed actor Al Pacino, whom Jack needs to convince to star in a commercial… I guess. What Jack and Jill is really all about is Sandler's effort to exact revenge against moviegoers.

Drag is not a good look for Sandler, and it should be no surprise that he is unfunny as a woman. The jokes featured in Jack and Jill have the range of an infant golfer. Committing to a viewing of Jack and Jill is almost a misogynist effort. All manners of humiliation beset Jill. She takes damage to the head, gets groped, has her skirt looked up, and if the sound is telling she may even have her bowels destroyed. Pure class, that Adam Sandler.

So not only is Jack and Jill an offensive PG comedy, it's structurally broken. Jill appears on the scene way too fast, in under five minutes. No build up to her arrival, no clever use of music from The Cars —from what I can gather Sandler's favorite band—for her reveal. Jill also has a tendency to run off into the woods, which at first is random. Lastly for what is billed as a holiday movie, Chanukah is glossed over through a montage and I'm not even sure how Thanksgiving lasted as long as a dinner scene.

It's obvious that Pacino has no business being in this film, but what's really at stake are the remains of Sandler's reputation. If Sandler ever wonders why he can't get an Oscar nomination, all he has to do is look back at the selfish decisions he has made. Jack and Jill is not a script, or even a concept, that deserves a read. It's like a fake movie found within Funny People that was replaced with the more imaginative "Merman". Yet, Sandler turned it into a movie that will surely pay him upfront over $20 million.

The awesome mess that is Jack and Jill is so wrought with issues that this reviewer can only stand to offer some bullet points for the lesser offenders. Katie Holmes is in this movie. David Spade is a better woman than Sandler. Jack has an adopted son whose entire bit is taping found objects onto his body.

The character of Al Pacino has a line that inadvertently summarizes Jack and Jill. After watching his cheesy song and dance number in a Dunkin' Donuts commercial, Pacino turns to Jack and says, "This needs to be burned."

A Very Harold & Kumar Christmas (2011)

Well executed 3D madness... that could use fresher jokes

[6/10 · 4 November 2011]

It has been 6 years since Harold (John Cho) and Kumar (Kal Penn) escaped Guantanamo Bay. The two best buddies have grown apart. Harold is a rising executive, married and off the wacky tobacky. Kumar, on the other hand is spiraling toward rock bottom. A mysterious package and a quest to find the perfect Christmas tree will reunite them for another crazy night.

If there is a surprise to A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas, it's the 3D effects. Over the past couple of summers we have been bombarded with 3D. Director Todd Strauss-Schulson knows Americans are getting fed up with the "technology". So what does he do? Make one of the few films that truly necessitates a 3D presentation by spoofing the very technique. Every scene has a properly rigged exploitation of the 3D, and by going into slow motion it's easy for the audience to digest.

Neil Patrick Harris returns as the mythical womanizer version of himself. Don't over think his impact on the story; Neil is here to offer laughs. Unfortunately the novelty of seeing squeaky clean Doogie Howser in this manner has been long lost. That's the problem with this series. A joke just keeps running. Take for instance the young child who repeatedly digests drugs, albeit by accident, throughout the film. The more it happens, the poorer the taste.

Despite every effort to attack religion, there's some worthwhile lessons crammed into A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas. Harold and Kumar are forced confront loyalty, responsibility, aging, and manning up. It's also worth noting that this is the only mainstream, non-white comedy series that doesn't rely on race. Granted, there's plenty of gross-out and narcotics humor, but the race card spends most of the film in the deck.

Every comedy should be funny, and A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas does not quite get there. Sure there are plenty of jokes, well executed 3D madness, even clay animation, but the end result is merely a better outing than the last.

In Time (2011)

So Wooden You'll Reach for Thompson's® WaterSeal®

[2/10 · 29 October 2011]

In Time comes from writer/director Andrew Niccol and tells the tale of one Will Salas (Justin Timberlake), a man who is wrongfully accused of murdering a wealthy man. This isn't murder by our standards but the running off with of a borrowed time in a future where everyone stops aging at 25 but must work to earn more minutes.

Will travels across "time zones" that serve as tollbooths separating the poor from the rich. Can't have any low on time mingling with the immortals. In the affluent city of New Greenwich, Will encounters debutante Sylvia (Amanda Seyfried). In a confrontation with a Timekeeper (Cillian Murphy), i.e. cop, Will runs off with Sylvia and sets out on a quest to make those in power pay.

There are better movies in this genre, and one of them is written and directed by the same guy who made this movie. In fact, In Time is a crappy knock-off of Gattaca. Don't believe me? In Gattaca a man goes up against a class system that exploits genetics. He acquires a redhead, is chased by a cop, and drives a vintage auto. The differences are that Gattaca doesn't halfheartedly attempt to be an action movie, Gattaca has a quality lead actor, and Gattaca makes sense.

Unfortunate for everyone who sees In Time, a host of problems prevent it from being even a shell of what could have been. Timberlake is simply not a movie star. He isn't believable and his thin character is not likable. Being in a dystopian future everyone is a stoic incapable of expression, naturally. In Time is played so stiff with seriousness that the lack of humanity prevents and audience from caring a lick for anyone.

The actions scenes are sparse and nothing inventive. There's a car chase, albeit a brief one. There are guns, which many characters seem to be capable of using, but not with action movie gravitas.

The technology hindering so many is not explained in a satisfying manner. Using time as currency presents a variety of problems upon investigation. Money is already applied to time in our world so the metaphor is too blunt. Who mandated these laws, witnessing a birth, or attempting a birth outside of the system are never mentioned.

The problem imposed on the characters of In Time is all that is ever talked about. You'd think/hope that if you knew you could live forever that you wouldn't spend all your life talking about living forever. Instead of addressing the curse of being born with LCDs on their forearms and trying to do the logical thing like preventing newborns from suffering the same fate—the typical but tried and true savior of humanity narrative—they run off and loot banks for more time. When characters care so little about the movie, I know I shouldn't.

Anonymous (I) (2011)

Inventive, Compelling, Emmerich's Masterpiece

[9/10 · 26 October 2011]

The Earl of Oxford (Rhys Ifans) is a talented playwright whose position forces him to publicly abandon his endeavors. He seeks to sign over his plays and sonnets to Ben Johnson (Sebastian Armesto), but that's easier said than done. When William Shakespeare takes credit (Rafe Spall), that's the least of concerns as the words of Edward affect the political climate.

Rhys Ifans is an unrecognizable powerhouse, and though the rest of the cast fairs well, he shines. As does director Roland Emmerich, who uses every trick at his disposal to make a highly sophisticated drama littered with elaborate costumes and set decoration to be admired.

The theatre experience is very well represented in Anonymous, with the narrator barely making the curtain. Believe it or not but this does actually happen and there are actors who specialize in. The workings of the theatre coincide with the events described and eventually merge. In the time of Edward, the Globe is shown with spectacular accuracy and the familiar faces of the troupe appear across plays.

The future of England is put at stake as the insight into Edward's inspiration is penned on a relationship with Queen Elizabeth (Vanessa Redgrave and in younger form Joely Richardson). These secrets showcase the power of words to win over love and country.

Is it cheating to inject stolen verse into a screenplay? To some extent yes. We're talking about a movie that lifts words, then says they came from a thief. A bit of a paradox if anything. Similarly, it would be silly for J.J. Abrams to direct a movie that's filled with scenes from every Steven Spielberg film, yet that happened with Super 8.

If Anonymous has a fault, it would be in jerking around the audience. The movie starts with an inventive use of a framing device, and quite appropriately in a theatre. We go back and Ben Johnson is jailed, only for us to go back 5 years to see him getting jailed. Then we go back another 40 and when we next see Johnson he's being set free. So… in which time is he released? Thankfully Anonymous is long enough to allow an audience to gain bearings.

Anonymous is Emmerich's masterpiece, a radical far from his usual environmental apocalypse works. There could be a stigma surrounding the subject, which will be viewed as blasphemy by many. I'd like to reassure you that most popular cinema is an act of fiction. Shakespeare isn't available to rebut, and most moviegoers are not concerned with historical accuracy so long as the story is compelling and filled with drama, which Anonymous delivers.