mediumllama Reviews

Wing Commander (1999)

This isn't TERRIBLE

[4/10 · 28 September 2015]

This isn't TERRIBLE.

Lillard and Prinze (Jr.) aren't the dynamic heroes they need to be and the set pieces aren't incredibly good and boy oh boy those Kilrathi costumes are WORSE THAN THE VIDEO GAME'S.

BUT. They surrounded the rest of the movie with some solid, fun actors and you can see where, in this modern Marvel world, someone with a little more time and budget and care for a potential franchise could've made a real solid flick.

This totally isn't that but you can see it, in the cracks.

This is still bad, though.

Hwayi: A Monster Boy (2013)

The shootout at the end saved this for me

[6/10 · 28 September 2015]

The shootout at the end saved this for me.

It's pretty good, with some some real flair.

The build up to it, as SK cinema standards and practices dictate I GUESS, takes way too long and none of the melodrama, mystery or monster stuff works.

With some swift editing, you could have a lean and mean 90 minute revenge movie with teeth but this just winds up being a too long distraction.

But that shootout, that was really well done. I would probably watch that one bit on Youtube again sometime.

Mission: Impossible - Rogue Nation (2015)

Damn solid movie

[8/10 · 28 September 2015]

Damn solid movie.

I really like Ghost Protocol so I don't quite get the praise saying this is far above that. I think they're about equal.

But some real good action pieces, a GOOD villain (the one thing GP was missing) and cool character moments.

And, of course, Rebecca Ferguson is great. More of this kick-ass lady is something we need in more movies.

Remember all that talk with GP and Renner being brought in to be the new Cruise whenever he left or killed himself in one of his stunts? Screw that guy, let Rebecca take over NOW.

Confession of Murder (2012)

Starts with a bang...

[5/10 · 28 September 2015]

Starts with a bang, with a great chase sequence, only slightly marred by some bad CG.

After that, it settles down for awhile, but it's a pretty engaging story, some real interesting stuff. Got a little Big Bad Wolves going on. But then the INSANE tonal shifts start cropping up and also one of the worst action sequences I've ever seen, this car chase that is absolutely terrible.

It looks like something out of a soap opera, the way it was shot, all flat and weird and then there's the CG that looks like it fell out of 1993 and the editing is a nightmare. It's just an incredible garbage presentation.

And…OK, let's go to Spoiler Town, Population: The Whole Damn Movie

So there's two bits early on that let me figure out what was going on. The dude jumping to his death and then the fake killer whispering in the Lt.'s ear. I figured, huh, OK, I see where this is going. But that's fine, right? Because, initially, it was an interesting trip.

But as it was happening, I started thinking about it, and that's the movie's fault. It would stop being engaging enough or have too much garbage and I would be distracted by the plot. Why the hell is the plan to have this happen literally minutes before the statute of limitations is up? The Lt. clearly has the leg up with that recording. And while, obviously, being a serial killer, J is arrogant enough to agree to this interview but like how incredibly lucky was the Lt. for it to happen an hour before he can't be prosecuted!?! OK, and so fine, whatever. Then there's this terrible, overly cg'd chase where the serial killer has broken like 20 other laws, enough to get his ass locked up for forever. But they're still going on about only a couple of minutes and then they can't prosecute again. Dog! He just stole like 4 vehicles, took people hostage, wrecked everything…I'm pretty sure his ass is going to jail FOR THAT!

And then, the cherry on this poop sundae is the maudlin (and for some reason, first person) flashback leading up to his lady getting offed and I mean, come on. We get it. We got it earlier. If you're trying to give us some reason for him killing J, it's no surprise. It's just maudlin, sappy trash. Ugh.

I had gone from enjoying the movie to being incredibly mad at it, all within the last 35 minutes or so. It started off as a solid enough, Seven kind of thing (but like if Seven had a scene where Brad Pitt goes to the zoo and has wacky, Adam Sandler-esqe antics or Morgan Freeman has to take a dump while fighting a sewer alligator) and just devolved into another garbage-ass thriller.

Departures (2008)

Just alright

[7/10 · 28 September 2015]

This was totally OK?

Why the hell Netflix thought I would like it 5 stars worth is beyond me.

About 30 minutes it dawned on me what it reminded me of - Sunshine Cleaners and one of any 100's of quirky, gentle mid-00's indie flicks about life upheavals.

This was a thoroughly competent, Japanese version of one of those flicks.

I kept expecting a big Gotcha! moment, the thing that would bring this to the top of the pile but it's not there.

It is a thoroughly fine movie, that's it.

Jack Reacher (2012)

Yeah, this movie is alright

[7/10 · 28 September 2015]

If someone came to me and said, "I love Jack Reacher, it's an amazing movie," I'd be like, "Hold up there, hoss. Let's not go crazy."

But if someone said, "Jack Reacher is trash," I'd say, "Awww, come on, it's pretty alright!"

It's that kind of movie.

A fantastic opening and real good car chase are the highlights. Oh, and I guess also that Jai Courtney doesn't suck in this???

Right, and Herzog. Herzog is the best.

I've enjoyed the books before and I think Tom is a bad version of the character, but as a stand alone thing, the movie (mostly) works.

Ant-Man (2015)

Cut movie

[7/10 · 28 September 2015]

Cute movie.

Very light and airy, but I'm OK with that after all the serious and epic superhero movies.

Pretty mid-range for Marvel, but it was fun and funny. Well, after the initial too long setup.

We had a good time with some good laughs but I'm pretty sure it won't be on rotation all that often in the house.

I do appreciate the smallness, though (no joke!). Not every movie needs to involves the dead of millions to be worth it.

And, of course, Michael Pena is the tops.

Gun Woman (2014)

Garbage and not even the good kind

[1/10 · 28 September 2015]

It has been a long time since I've seen a movie this aggressively awful towards women. It's almost impressive!

And if that weren't enough, it looks terrible, has an AWFUL storytelling device, has sucky acting and is the closest to someone's personal jerk-off reel that I've ever seen.

It's interesting enough to think, "Say, maybe I'll stick to the end to see if this whole bullshittery gets pulled off, that'll maybe be worth a gander."

It isn't. Spoiler alert, most of it is her naked, bleeding and woozy, whipping ass for like maybe 2 minutes. Look, I'm not kink shaming; you're not gonna be able to get this exact combo just anywhere. But if only it were good, too!

And, you know, not the literally worst to all women everywhere. She is naked like THE WHOLE TIME. I could've given her a gynecological exam! AND THEN THEY BLUR THE DUDE'S DICK OUT COME ON.

Commando (2013)

Needed more action and dancing.

[6/10 · 28 September 2015]

Needed more action and dancing, like everything in life.

But it is surprisingly violent with solid action, even if it was a little too spinny. This dude spins like a top, it's a uh...DIFFERENT fighting style

I mean, it's still like every Indian movie in that it's too long, filled with unfunny comedy, bad roles for women and ends with the villain getting his ass beat in the town square while the hero pontificates.

But it's alright. Dude is way too handsome, too. Like illegally. And he knows it. That shirt flies off at the drop of a hat, my God.

Her (2013)

Had I seen Her four years ago, I would've been completely emotionally devastated

[10/10 · 28 September 2015]

There's a certain line you need to cross, concept you need to buy for it to be effective and I think some people won't be able to. I could, far too easily. I've been bored and lonely before and spent time on ICQ or AIM, talking to people I've never met and never would. They were just as real as Samantha was. I understand Theodore's profound, aching loneliness, even as he has some friends, a loneliness that just wants to be loved, that doesn't understand why he isn't loved, right now, right here.

I "got" this entire movie. I was invested almost immediately. At one point, I had tears on my face, tears at the bone-in sadness the characters were experience. Later, I had tears of joy, joy that's found in such simple acts as a trip to the beach.

If the idea of someone falling in love with their operating system, or an AI or Siri is too much for you, I get that. It is certainly a sci-fi concept. But it's one that it used to very, incredibly effectively, tell a story about loneliness, despair, companionship, love and loss.

Her is a movie I was looking forward to seeing. Her is a movie I walked away from loving. Her has me choking up again just thinking about it. Her makes me want to hold my wife and never let go.

Pitch Perfect 2 (2015)

Weirdly weird and unfunny

[5/10 · 28 September 2015]

The first was fun and zipped past and was charming and everyone had something to do.

This is saggy and over-long and focuses too much on...well, no one, really, but at the same time on everyone? It's weird. And racist, that, too. And not funny racist, just everyday, boring, unfunny racist, like your 65 year old mom, racist.

Nearly every character, in not all!, from the first are there, even if they serve no purpose. Why even have the boy group? They do NOTHING. And then they add about 12 new characters and some of them just seem to be there to riff. What a disappointment.

The Green Bay Packers were funny, though.

Turbo Kid (2015)

Solid, silly splatter flick

[7/10 · 28 September 2015]

There's some reeeaaaallll good over the top, crazy, silly gore in Turbo Kid.

SUPER good. And even though there's a lot of it, it's never not funny. They do a real good job of always having a good splash of gore ready to go to cover any faults of the movie.

Movie's pretty alright, too. It's like Hobo with a Shotgun with a little too much, "The 80's, amirite!?!?!?!?" It lacking a certainty behind the 80's-ness, like it doesn't fully believe in it, so it winks about it too much.

But it's totally fine! After the first belly laugh from the crazy splatter, I knew I'd stay just to see if it kept that up and boy, did it.