teachermarkthailand Reviews

Dead by Morning (1955)

Diana Dors looks her very best.

[6/10 · 25 April 2024]

"You go back to sleep and choke me off in the morning!" That line early on in this awful film made me laugh out loud.

Diana Dors looks lovely in this, although she's the only draw.

Other reviews are spot on about this. The comedy is two decades past its sell by date. The mystery comes across as more Enid Blyton than Agatha Christie.

Some staples of forties British cinema are wheeled in to provide light relief, but do no more than add a cringe aspect for the viewer.

All that said, I still enjoyed this restored uncut gem.

Despite the terrible editing, uninspired screenplay, the awkward pacing and the silly characters, there's still enough nostalgic value remaining to entertain us old folk... and of course... Diana Dors!

Bodies (2023)

A good idea bogged down with melodrama

[6/10 · 16 November 2023]

One of those shows that come along the TV radar that you have to dig a little deeper and find out more.

A show where you have to pay attention to what's going on, so that was a plus... Multiple timelines, so that was interesting... Glorious production values, too.

Unfortunately there are hours wasted on people crying and having ludicrous love affairs which makes watching the REAL story a chore.

If this nonsense was edited out and 'Bodies' was three episodes fewer, there's a 9 out of 10 binge worthy series here.

But that's why the good Lord invented fast forward buttons, right?

All in all, a reasonably satisfying watch.

Love at First Sight (I) (2023)

Cringefest!

[2/10 · 18 September 2023]

This was just horrible to sit through. Terrible people, terrible script, forced and improbable and just uncomfortable to sit through.

If you like the bilgewater on Lifetime TV, you'll probably manage to see it out to the end.

If you're l looking for Richard Curtis style romance you won't find out here.

One of the problems is that every scene is interrupted by an idiot who thinks we're all to stupid to follow what's going on. I nearly said plot, but the there's not one of those.

Skip this mess and save a sick bag.

Everyone over thirteen years old with an IQ higher than fifty is going to want extra large sick bags.

Impact (1963)

For nostalgia value, it's watchable.

[5/10 · 23 November 2022]

Back in the day when 'B' movies were common and an additional bonus that preceded the 'main feature' (and ruined by the terrible localized Pearl & Dean' ads) this would have been a largely un-impressive and forgettable time filler Sixty years on the remaining appeal of this hour-long quickie is its nostalgia value only... but that doesn't mean it's not worth your time, especially if you're an older person, like me.

It's a reminder of how simple and mundane life was during the mid-fifties to early sixties. It's also rather like watching an episode of 'The Saint' (with Roger Moore) without The Saint actually present!

Despite the wearisome cliches and absurd plot, the cast put on a good show.

If you're in the mood for some YouTube nostalgia, then don't be put off by all the other very negative reviews. It's actually a pretty good way to spend an hour.

Ricky Gervais: SuperNature (2022 TV Special)

Perfect Stand-Up Comedy - A Genius at work.

[10/10 · 7 June 2022]

By now, even as a 'late starter' in the entertainment game, Ricky Gervais is a veteran of all-round adult entertainment. This is his eighth and most perfect live stand-up show. At sixty (my age) he's literally at the top of his game.

Every word has been chosen perfectly, every motion, every expression and every pause has been micro-analyzed and subsequently delivered with perfection.

Gervais has a similar approach to linguistic nuance that Dr Jordan Peterson has, but with the good doctor you can see the machinery working in his head. With Gervais the delivery is so conversational, you'd think you were having a chat with him, down the pub!

Despite the concert's appearance, there's nothing ad-libbed here, nothing off the cuff and no interactions with the audience to distract us from this 'performance'.

Although broadminded Americans will enjoy this, this Netflix offering is most definitely aimed at a British audience. There's no attempt to vary the vocabulary for visiting aliens so the jokes can be more easily understood.

It's hard to see how this will ever be surpassed. The same as the comedy drama 'After Life', it's the reflection of a man who has climbed the mountain and should have nowhere left to go.

Signora Volpe (2022– )

Unoriginal cliched nonsense in nice settings.

[2/10 · 3 May 2022]

Dig up some old familiar female faces, rehash every terrible espionage/murder screenplay that's ever been rejected and hand over the screenplay duties to a bored nine-year-old girl and you have THIS incredibly cringeworthy cack-handed piece of juvenile tripe.

Seriously, if this is your idea of serious drama then you're either under 40 in age or IQ!

Embarrassingly terrible for everyone involved.

Ten Percent (2022)

Confirms that actors are horrible people!

[2/10 · 28 April 2022]

This tired rambling 1990s style of overacting is the reason people don't watch TV as much as TV wants them to. The original version is French which is supposed to be good, but who cares. This isn't.

The comedy is camp and unfunny. It relies on slapstick, over reactions and misunderstandings, which normally is the staple of great comedy, but these unoriginal and embarrassingly contrived situations are unbelievable and simply annoying. It's all hard to watch and displays a cringe factor that's off the charts.

It's also getting very annoying and distracting that there are obvious representations of every type of human being on the planet that are crowbarred into this ridiculous soap to appease the Gods of woke.

The biggest problem in TV drama though, is that actors think they're important, clever and have something to contribute to the arts and society. If they stayed away from the creative side of things and simply read their lines that had been commissioned by clever writers, the viewers would have a lot more good drama and comedy to choose from.

This decline in artistic standards began at the end of the 1980s and has continued to the present day. Ten Percent is forgettable dross that should never have been made.

The Electric Man (2022)

Six reviews from the cast and crew!

[2/10 · 22 February 2022]

Another film that feels the need to justify its existence with fake reviews.

All written at the same time in the same style by the same people.

Watch the movie and you won't be after a few minutes. It's just terrible.

U Be Dead (2009 TV Movie)

Exciting nonsense!

[6/10 · 15 January 2022]

Supposedly based on a real life event, this is a Lifetime movie on steroids.

It has two saving graces... it moves along quickly and it features that gravelly voiced saucy temptress Tara Fitzgerald.

Everything else is pretty standard fare for a British TV production.

It held my attention but it's a bit silly.

Fly-By-Night (1942)

A preposterous yet captivating B movie.

[8/10 · 7 January 2022]

Lots of superior, busy, jobbing actors and an excellent screenplay elevate an otherwise silly, farfetched yarn which has been told a thousand times before.

Chap goes on the run to clear his name and initially unenthusiastic girl gets roped in to help and everything works out in the end.

The chemistry between the leads is fun to watch and there are some laugh out loud moments even after eighty years. My favourite is the scene in the shrinks office, when the doctor has a fit when the shrink lights a match! There are other delicious comedic moments, too.

Despite the silliness, it's not a screwball comedy. Despite some deaths, it's not really a mystery thriller, either. It has a light touch of espionage, though.

Well worth a watch.

At this moment it's on YouTube under the heading 'Fly By Night (1942)'.

Third Time Lucky (1982– )

Contrived and dated, even when it was mad!

[4/10 · 26 December 2021]

The pairing of Derek Nimmo and Nerys Hughes is the show's biggest stumbling block, but there are other problems, too.

Nimmo had a fair amount of success on radio and TV, most notably playing religious figures, who at that time (1970s and 80s) were easy targets for comedy. His shtick as a flustered, bumbling Englishman wandering in and out of trouble was very popular for a while.

While Nerys Hughes was equally as busy as an actress, she really found iconic status in the UK during her long tenured spot as Liver Bird, Sandra.

In 'Third Time Lucky' the writers have tried to pull threads of other, more successful sitcoms to create this generic crowd-pleaser but it misfires. By 1982, Britain had become a little bit fed up with middle class people with their middle class problems. Even 'The Good Life' went off the boil along with many others. This hackneyed attempt to keep the genre alive was misplaced, badly timed and too contrived.

It's a 'by the numbers' sitcom with nostalgic value only and the only other reason to watch this would be Nerys Hughes who is naturally attractive, sexy and funny in front of a camera.

The Mummy Returns (2001)

The most CGI in the history of movies!

[3/10 · 11 November 2021]

Horrible movie redeemed only by the appearances of dishy Rachel Weiss and the good natured Brendan Fraser.

It's a live action cartoon better suited to Disney. John Hannah is the lame and unfunny comedy relief. The terrible child actor who plays the annoying kid was a casting disaster.

It's a noisy mess that drifts from CGI scene to CGI scene with no regard for narrative.

Boys under twelve might enjoy it. Nobody else should.

Dalgliesh (2021– )

It's every other police procedural on UKTV!

[1/10 · 9 November 2021]

There's nothing new about this 'made for TV' disposable product. There are the obligatory woke token representations of race, there's the ridiculously fierce lighting in every scene, the actor's marks have been set using a computer program and the script is thick with melodrama but not a realistic word is spoken.

It's Murder In Paradise minus the paradise. Stick a pipe in his gob and he's Sherlock Holmes... and this Watson is so two-dimensionally annoying he needs a good punch in the face!

It's embarrassing to me (an elderly Brit) that this garbage rates an 8 (Yes, eight!) on here. That the British TV viewing public have been so conditioned to sit through and approve of this immature cartoonish drivel should be a cause for shame. (Yes, cartoonish... the UK is one of the few places left on earth where TV blood is still brighter than ketchup, even after it's been dried for hours!)

I keep giving these UKTV dramas a fair crack of the whip and I'm continually let down. I wish the makers of this fodder would look to other countries for inspiration, because, sadly, UK TV is completely out of it.

Absolute dross!

The Painted Veil (2006)

Technical triumph, emotional disaster.

[3/10 · 3 November 2021]

All the parts are here... location, style, source material, acting talent... but it's all wasted on this listless, dreary soap.

But that's not the worst part. Edward Norton is hopelessly miscast and his attention to perfecting the monotonous British accent (which is quite good) is at the expense of delivering a character worth rooting for. It's a stilted, wooden act, better suited to theatre that lacks charisma. So even when he's a do-gooder saving the world, we don't really care.

The affair, too, is a lifeless physical connection between two bored people that lacks credibility. She seems to have gone off the deep end after a one night stand, which is ridiculous.

All in all, it's tedious and dull.

Lost in Space (2018–2021)

The most repellent, noisy garbage sci-fi ever made.

[1/10 · 27 October 2021]

Ten hours of melodramatic soap opera where each character, except the best one - the robot, takes turns blubbing and shouting for the camera.

This humourless joke of a program relies entirely on CGI gimmicks and sacrifices all efforts to deliver a storyline with characters.

It's a cross between The Brady Bunch and Battlestar Galactica, but without any of the humour and humanity.

I would rather have my eyes harpooned and my ears sandblasted than sit through one more second of this horrible, horrible crime against sci-fi.

One star for the awesome John Williams music. Nothing else in this stinker is worth a damn.

Dune (2021)

Pretentious nonsense.

[2/10 · 18 October 2021]

This was so slow and uneventful I had to have an army of people with toothpicks to keep my eyes open. I can't remember the last time I saw this amount of garbage packed onto a screen. Good lord, it was dull!

The Last Bus (2021)

Spall is the only draw.

[4/10 · 9 October 2021]

It's a cheesy, melodramatic and tepid tale of a man who gets on the bus a lot. It's supposedly a journey, but we never get to see how it's progressing. It's a tribute to old ideals but the characters aren't likeable enough to carry the message.

The focus is on the old man at the expense of the scenery, which is a shame.

I'm an old man myself and would like to have enjoyed this, but to be honest, I was a bit bored.

It also felt like a bit of a lecture as all the minorities were just lovely and all the white folks were racists and drug addicts.

Psycho (1998)

It's a good copy.

[8/10 · 1 October 2021]

Lots of very snobby reviews on here from people.

If you haven't seen the original Hitchcock version, this is an enjoyable, well paced thriller.

If you're a fan of the original 1960 movie, it's great fun comparing the two. And comparing them is easy because this is word for word, scene for scene, music for music, a copy. This is one of the reasons I liked it.

If you're a fan on just hating on movies, there's something for you, too!

The reason this version isn't as good is the character played by Vince Vaughn. It's not his fault, it's simply poor casting. Watch it and decide for yourself. Maybe it's me, and I'm too old to 'get' this version of Bates.

But that didn't prevent me from watching and enjoying it.

Ignore the reviews and watch it with an open mind!

Contact (1997)

Cringe melodramatic garbage.

[3/10 · 21 September 2021]

Ugh! Over acted, childlike nonsense spread out over two and a half hours. This silliness was unbearable. I saw this back when it came out 24 years ago and remembered nothing about it other than I was unimpressed. Thinking that the younger me may have been missing something, I watched it again last night... Just as unimpressed!

A ridiculous story saddled with emotional and unnecessary weepy rubbish. Interspersed with unbelievable scenes of political intrigue and daft exaggerated protest groups!

This was a prolonged and farcical steaming pile of space junk!

Armchair Thriller: The Chelsea Murders (1981) Season Unknown, Episode Unknown

Not good at all.

[4/10 · 19 September 2021]

A six part entry into the successful genre of scary telly the Brits were very good at, at the time. Unfortunately, this story is badly written, horribly acted and all of this is badly edited together.

There are some familiar faces, none of whom would put this on their CV. The only points are for the nostalgic value that old folk like me would enjoy.

Many experienced mystery watchers will have sniffed the villain out early, mainly because the lack of subtlety surrounding the red herrings.

I sat through the entire six episodes, but it was hard work.

The Emperor Waltz (1948)

Awful, bordering on cringeworthy!

[2/10 · 10 September 2021]

Oh, what an embarrassment this is... a contrived story about dogs making baby dogss to showcase a couple of annoying and forgettable songs.

Crosby looks ridiculous dressed up as a boy scout, oops, I mean Austrian, in this nonsense. In factr, if this were made today it would be deemed bigotry.

Fontaine looks like she wants to escape from every scene. She's out of focus and out of shape and shouldn't have ever been in movies.

The glorious and fairytale scenery is corrupted by everything flown over from Hollywood, from the dance squeamish sequences, to the pantomime costumes.

Actors should never have a say in how films are made. Their hubris and egos can't be held in check and this is a good example of just that.

Had Wilder made the film he wanted to, this might have come out a lot differently... and a lot better! As it is, the star power of Crosby and his absolute focus on himself destroys this listless and meaningless garbage.

Crosby was a magical singer and a reasonable actor and entertainer. I would like to have seen Fred Astaire in this and Wilder left, uninterrupted, to do his job.

Tripwire (1989)

VHS fodder!

[3/10 · 19 August 2021]

Released at the end of the worst decade ever for movies (1980s) this collection of routine clichés was what kept Blockbuster in business! This, and a thousand movies like it, was what you grabbed to make up the numbers when the fifth VHS video was free and you couldn't make your mind up what to get!

It's a mindless schoolboy battle between cartoon good guys and cartoon bad guys. Lots of chases, gun fire and fighting.

This example of the genre is elevated very slightly by the notable cast members and the fact that the music hasn't been spewed out of a Moog synthesizer!

Roll up your jacket sleeves and flip up your collar... It's the 80s!

Dangerous Partners (1945)

Bewildering nonsense.

[4/10 · 19 August 2021]

For some reason, the opening exposition scenes were edited out of this movie, so we start with the plane crash and are expected to pick up the pieces from there.

From then on it's just a confusing mosaic of wordy scenes. Nothing makes sense and trying to figure it out isn't worth the payoff. There's just too much to keep track of.

Even as nostalgic value, this clunker is heavy going... except for the scenes featuring the wonderful Edmund Gwenn.

The Mysterious Mr. Valentine (1946)

Routine comedy crime caper.

[6/10 · 19 August 2021]

It's an implausible romp and the switches between romantic comedy and serious criminal investigation makes you think that the film can't really settle on its identity.

Despite that, the script, cast and the characters manager to keep your interest for the hour.

It's silly, confusing and ultimately a lightweight B movie.

There's a genuinely funny moment when the heroine is forced to play a secretary and wear ridiculous coke bottle glasses.

For nostalgia freaks (like me) this film has enough going for it too keep me paying attention.

For others it might be a bit of a letdown.

Mars Needs Women (1968 TV Movie)

Possibly the greatest sci-fi movie story ever told.

[10/10 · 17 July 2021]

It's hard to believe that the terrible yawn fest that came just a year later (2001, a Space Odyssey) would go on to deflect attention away from this masterful cinematic epic.

Martian men have traditionally been underrepresented in Hollywood, and this blockbuster goes part way to restoring the equilibrium of the celluloid cosmos.

Giants of the thespian world come together to tell the story of lonely, horny men on one of our neighboring planets.

The subject matter is dealt with sensitively and the viewer is drawn into the compelling story with nuance and subtlety.

Clever use of stock footage and imaginative audio effects, along with the intelligent exposition provided by various journalists make this complicated story of love easier to comprehend.

A movie classic which stands the test of time.