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The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies!!? (1964)
The Worst Movie ever made....Period.
No argument. Plan 9? Nope. Beast of Yucca Flatts? Nope. The Room? Definitely not. This is it. This is the worst movie ever made.
Featuring everything from home movie quality camera work to incomprehensible dialogue to a virtually non existent and hard to follow plot, to an ear bleed inducing soundtrack, this movie is truly terrible. I really can't say that much about it because there isn't much to be said. It's just truly terrible in everything it tries to do. This is the Ghost Pepper of movies. You can try to watch it, but it will only cause pain and suffering. Funny pain and suffering, but it overall just leave you with a sense of dread and bewilderment as you wonder why you put yourself through it in the first place. Watch at your own risk and stay away from sharp objects for a few hours afterwards. You have been warned.
Dragons: Riders of Berk (2012)
Overall Pretty Good.
After binge watching both seasons over the course of three days (Never do this), I can honestly say that this is among the best children's shows currently shown.
Unlike most kid's fare around these days it doesn't pander to random humor and trying to be "cool". It instead uses plausible situations and character development to drive a narrative forward, the way kid's shows used to be until the late 2000's. It carries on pretty much exactly where the first film leaves off and portrays Hiccup's difficulties in assimilating dragons into Berkian life and facing off against several different villains. Of these three, Dagur the deranged is the best written, and even I find myself smiling at some of his lines and mannerisms.
The score to the show is surprisingly well done, with John Ceazarone taking Powell's themes and implementing them quite well in each episode. The animation is certainly not on par with the film's themselves, and as a result Hiccup and Toothless can look a bit strange at times, but this is understandable and shouldn't impede the viewing.
The writing and plots are mostly predictable for the aged and educated viewer, but still has a surprise every now and then that redeems it. The jokes, while occasionally repetitive and catering to a young audience, still keep the show interesting, and there is occasionally a particularly good one that will stay in your head a while.
If you loved the first movie and now the second I would advise seeing it. You will certainly not be disappointed and it will give the fix of dragon you'll need to hold you over until the third film.
The Room (2003)
It's worth it, trust me
I consider myself a bit of a bad movie enthusiast, so I'd like to indulge the masses with my take on this popular cult movie. You have likely heard that this film is the worst ever made, it's so bad it's good, or some over dramatized rant about how awful it is to sit through. I'm going to tell you right now the God's honest truth about this movie: It sucks.
But it's a very complicated kind of suck, the kind only a vacuum could speak of. It is horribly inept in technical execution, it's dialogue sounds like it came out of a melting calculator , and the actors, Wiseau in particular, act with the grace of card board cut outs of actors in a middle school production of "Macbeth". Its score is horrendous to listen to and the cinematography is hardly enviable.
And despite all of it, I love this movie. Wiseau is in many ways like a young child trying to impress his parents, trying to do everything a good movie entails but failing miserably at it every step of the way. It's like watching a forest fire. It's just hard not to be enticed by the flames of this disaster, to keep your eyes fixed as you watch the hapless Johnny drift from scene to scene with his array of accents and obscure lines. It's not that it's so bad it's good, it's just so bad you reach the bliss of realizing that you are bearing witness to something truly spectacular, the worst honest attempt at cinema ever concocted. Lucifer himself could not create a movie so terrible, let alone as funny. Its charm, much like that of the aforementioned child is simply too much to ignore, you can't help but feel sympathy for Wiseau and his effort to become a star of cinema.
This is not a movie one should watch alone. Have a few friends with a good sense of humor join you as I did, and have fun tearing apart every little detail in this train wreck. By the end of the two hours your gut will be sore from laughter, your head awash with jokes, and pretty soon you'll start every greeting with "Oh hi Mark!" This film will change your life for the better, it's hopeless existence giving meaning to yours. I cannot recommend it enough.
How to Train Your Dragon (2010)
Perfect in every sense of the word
The Story. The Animation. The Characters. The Music. Everything about How to Train Your Dragon is done perfectly. I can't really talk too much about it because I would just rambling to the point of ad nauseum, so I'll be brief.
The story, about a teenager who downs and befriends a rare and intelligent dragon, and the trials they subsequently face is perfectly paced and written. There is never a dull moment and each scene is shot beautifully and well lit. It builds in seriousness up till the ending, which is among the best in a "kids film" in many years.
The animation is quite impressive and seeing this in 3-D and Imax is the truly best way to see this film. The flying scenes are breathtaking and will have you begging for more. each character moves and reacts to duologue and action like a real person and becomes much more relatable as a result. (Or as relatable as dragon fighting Vikings can be.
The characters are not only effectively fleshed out but are very relatable as mentioned above. While some of the side characters are more so stock personalities, they are still of hearty stock and nonetheless enjoyable. The characters are also voiced perfectly, I can think of nobody else to replace any of them and do a more effective job.
The Music. The score alone could tell this story perfectly, and it should have won the Oscar instead of "The Social Network". Without question. John Powell creates a mesmerizing score that brings you across the islands of the Northern Waters amidst the flow of strings, the roar of bagpipes, and pounding percussion that highlights this score. It is one of my all time favorite film scores and among the best for an animated film.
Really, do you have any reason not to watch it? It's an hour and half of indescribable perfection that will leave you breathless. See it. Now. Are you still reading this? What are you waiting for? Watch it!
Transformers: Age of Extinction (2014)
Garbage
Dear Michael bay, please stop making Transformer movies. We beg you.
--The fans
Oh where to start......
I am still a fan of the first Transformers film from 2007. Yes it is rife with plot holes and all the things from Michael Bay's bag of cinematic tricks I've come to hate over the years (overuse of slow-mo, cheesy lines, weird lighting, lens flare and more explosions than Afghanistan on a bad day), but it is still entertaining at the very least. From that point onward, the series has fallen from grace faster than your average Africa dictatorship. "Revenge of the Fallen" was dreadful and "Dark of the Moon" was barely tolerable.
Age of Extinction is garbage in every meaning of the word.
The movie takes place five years following the events of the last movie and focuses of U.S government attempts to eliminate the last remaining Transformers from Earth as part of some poorly explained alliance with a transformer bounty hunter whose character development begins and ends with "change into a Ferrari". This is coupled with another poorly constructed story arc concerning a tech corporation using melted down transformers to create a new generation of U.S military robots. Thrown into this mess is Mark Wahlberg and a cast of forgettable side characters. When Wahlberg (I can't remember his character's name it's that forgettable)finds Optimus Prime wounded in a movie theater (?), the government is tipped off and tries to destroy him for reasons I'll leave out for the sake of spoilers. The nearly three hour orgy of explosions and shaky cam laden chase scenes begins as more characters nobody cares about, including the last of the Autobots emerge to fight whoever the villain of the story is.
This here is one of the biggest sins of the film. By the end of the film the protagonists are fighting not one, not two, but three villains, none of which is properly developed with the three hours of this movie. They are bland, without proper back story, and Kelsey Grammar. On top of this is the constant punishment on the senses that is Michael bay's signature brand of CGI destruction porn, thrown helplessly onto the screen to save the sinking calamity of a franchise this film represents.
Coupled with the terrible story written by the same person behind the Razzie winning "Revenge of the Fallen", there is Steve Jablonsky's poor attempt at another action score, more lens flare then Star Trek, enough slow mo to annoy a snail, weak acting overall, and a hastily put together ending that leaves one contemplating why you just wasted the last three hours.
If you want a bad movie to laugh at and brutally murder three hours of your time, this is it. there is nothing of serious quality to be extracted here. The only positive thing I can think of coming from this movie is the performance of T.J Miller. I only say this he reminds me of his performance in "How to Train Your Dragon"; a film that even at it's worst is infinitely superior to this travesty.