clauzy82 Reviews

Speed 2: Cruise Control (1997)

If speed means slow burner

[6/10 · 16 April 2024]

My mind keeps changing on this one. In no way is this a great film, but like Batman & Robin it depends on what mood you are in when you watch it. I watched this with the kids recently and I enjoyed the back & forth we had while the film was on, I know on previous watches I despised it, didn't enjoy it either back when it came out in the cinema. Let's face it, this was never going to live up to its predecessor and any expectations that it would were folly.

Alex Shaw (Jason Patric) is a cop who wants to have a romantic getaway with Annie (Sandra Bullock) on a cruise liner. That is until the ship is taken over by the mad John Geiger (Willem Defoe). Begin the 2hr slog.

This movie is rammed full of issues, the plot has way too many loopholes, it is a good 30 mins too long, wooden Jason Patric is saved by Sandra Bullock along with the other supporting cast and Willem Defoe doesn't get enough time on screen, or does he get too much. Not sure about the last one. Could have done with more Willem Defoe, but not more of John Geiger and his diabolical, idiotic scheming.

Where does it go right. Well, if you are in the mood, it is a fun movie too watch with the right people around you and possibly a few beers. Jason Patric fits the roll, but in no way would it have worked without someone like Sandra Bullock to hold the fort, even though she is annoying at times during this flick, she still carries it on her shoulders. Some of the other stand out cast are Temuera Morrison as Juliano, Brian McCardie as Merced, Mike Hagerty as Harvey and Colleen camp as Debbie.

For the cheese: that plot is straight out of 80's Cannon.

Rating: 5.5 Cheese of the melt: 8.25.

Road House (1989)

I thought he would have been bigger

[8/10 · 14 April 2024]

A tough no nonsense expert bouncer... yes, I said bouncer, who can change a club from the flying barstool into a quaint speak easy. When Dalton (Patrick Swayze) is offered big bucks (actually mega bucks. A paycheck that would cripple the most successful of bars) by Tilghman (Kevin Tighe) to take on a new job of fixing a rowdy small-town bar/nightclub. A Roadhouse. Dalton takes the offer and leaves his current job high and dry (this probably should have been a warning to his new employer). Showing his lavish lifestyle, he ditches cars and forks out above the asking price for his lodgings.

Little did he know he was going into a town run by all round bad guy Brad Wesley (Ben Gazzara), with the sensual Denise (Julie Michaels) reluctantly by his side and his band of henchmen to wreak havoc with Jimmy (Marshall R. Teague) at the helm. Luckily help is at hand with Dr. Elizabeth Clay (Kelly Lynch) to look after his wounds & Wade Garrett (Sam Elliot) who not only has a cooler name, but oozes ice and fights just as casual.

A mythical aura surrounds Dalton as he trains his new staff, fires employees on a whim, is stalked by an old man while he performs Tai Chi nearly in the nip, has a most unusual sex scene and beats up bad guys as cool as Duke Johnson (Fred Williamson) in "Bucktown." This film is crammed to the rafters with cheese and it flows like a breeze. Ending is a bit of a mish mash and the film should have had utilised Terry Funk who plays Morgan better.

Cheese moment: Flying tackle to take a man off a motorbike, puts Baby Houseman to shame.

Rating: 7.5/10 Cheese: 20.625.

Speed (1994)

Nearly the perfect action Movie

[10/10 · 14 April 2024]

Speed is almost the perfect action flick. With great pacing, great cast and on the edge of your seat action it gets so much right.

Jack Traven (Keanu Reeves) & Harry (Jeff Daniels) are SWAT team members of the LAPD who must tackle a deranged mad man Howard Payne (Dennis Hopper) as he plants bombs around the city of Los Angeles. This leads Jack onto a bus where he must try and stop it from blowing up and save the passengers including Annie (Sandra Bullock).

Keanu Reeves apart from cringeworthy one liners (he's no Arnie after all), he fits this part perfectly and gets the right support along the way, with amazing chemistry with Jeff Daniels and Sandra Bullock really helping the Traven character develop.

Dennis Hopper as always when he plays a villain is excellent. No real bad eggs in a well casted film including Joe Morton as Captain McMahon.

The film also contains two of the most memorable action sequences of all time. The speeding bus & the elevator. The elevator scene being my personal favourite and it includes a hall of fame moment. When we see a glorious arse shot during the rescue, from who I think is Paige Goodman (Elevator Girl 4). Blink and you'll miss it.

The main issue I have is the train sequence with a touch of "Groundhogs Day" or "Trains, Planes & Automobiles." I even remember my 12 year old self watching this and cursing at that moment, it grabs you by the throat and drags you straight out of the movie. If he could speed it up, surely he could slow it down? It's probably a tad long as well.

Cheesemeisters: Not a whole lot of cheese, but when the bus hits the plane to a joyous occasion. Did nobody care if the plane had any passengers on board?

Rating: 9.5 Melt of cheese rating: 4.75.

No Retreat, No Surrender (1985)

Cool, Suave and Random

[7/10 · 12 April 2024]

This is surprisingly better than I expected and the fight choreography is excellent.

Now the film is as random as $#@% and a mess in parts. Beginning like a serious crime martial arts flick. Followed by an 80's teen camp movie and finally a Rocky but with martial arts rip off, with Karate Kid and Scrooge: A Christmas Carol scattered in for good measure.

A karate school run by Tom Stillwell (Timothy D. Baker) is attacked by thugs with henchman Ivan Kraschinsky the Russian (Jean-Claude Van Damme) showing him in prime condition. Tom flees with his son and main protagonist Jason (Kurt McKinney) to Seattle to start their new life.

Queue the teen camp portion of the movie without the gratuitous nudity. Entering Jason's friend R. J Madisson "Don't worry, R. J will provide," with his suspect dancing skills and his ability to shapeshift skin tone while break dancing shows he could be a magician (maybe he summoned Bruce Lee). We are also introduced to the teenage (I use teenage loosely) antagonists of Scott (Kent Lipham) and Dean Ramsey (Dale Jacobey), and Jason's girlfriend the stunning Kelly Reilly (Kathie Sileno).

Once Jason gets kicked around a few times we are introduced to Sensai Lee (Tae-Jeong Kim) and a plethora of brilliant training montagues not too far removed from Rocky IV, although this could of actually been filmed before Rocky's 4th installement with this film having the delayed release. In between each montague we are pampered with more plot building between break dancing, make up dancing and Jason's mother who appears out of thin air just after the hour mark and disappears again.

Finally we are taken to the Rocky section of the film as the Seattle Sidekicks with Dean, Frank Peters (Peter Cunningham) and their captain and national champion Ian Reilly (Tom Pohnel) take on the Manhattan Maulers. The Sidekicks who look like ballerina dancers with their pirouette skills are no match for the Manhattan team who enter like pro wrestling heels. Somehow if the evil New Yorkers win this contest they'll have total control of Seattle. Making out that the Karate clubs are in fact the true secret of power in America, holding sway over the local Senate and the local underworld. You learn something knew everyday.

The final finale Ivan vs Jason, will Jason save his girl, Seattle and his reputation.

Overall this full of cheese film is very fun and it flows, even with the horrible editing and the story most likely written on 15 separate napkins in which several where lost during production. The choreography is excellent and for yanks in the 80's it's hall of fame stuff. The acting is hit or miss but nothing to throw you off. It is a random all over the shop B-movie gem. I also have my suspicions it played a roll in influencing the Street Fighter franchise with the music and sone characters. If you like Kung Fu, Chopsocky or plain aul Beat 'Em Ups this is a must watch, if you love bad but good, also a must watch.

Kurt McKinney. Where the hell is his catalogue of martial art movies???

Cheese of the melt 17.5: keep and eye open for some of those body doubles. And the thought sequence when Tom Stillwell is in hospital.

I could rate this higher on a later watch 7*

Quintana: Dead or Alive (1969)

Robin Hood meets Zorro

[6/10 · 20 July 2023]

Easy to watch film that doesn't really pack any punches.

Quintana (Tony Di Mitri) isn't your typical hero or even typical Spaghetti Western hero, a family man who doesn't look like he's been through the harsh elements of wandering through the blistering sun or the dogged gunfights and fist fights of a rebel outlaw. Apart from that his demeanour and acting are also pretty tame. The leading villain Don Juan (Aldo Bufi Landi) also lacks the charisma as a leading villain and at best comes across as a sleazy weasel sidekick. Virginia (Femi Benussi) & Perla (Marisa Traversi) both do a good job and look the part, but the star of the film is the priest Pater Mansueto (Ignazio Spalla) who puts in a stellar performance and adds some comic relief.

Not a bad film overall, this zorro-esque meets Robin Hood-esque type movie is enjoyable with great cinematography, great scenery, great music, but just lacks that punch you associate with Spag Balls. It also lacks any great showdown, something you look forward to in these films.

If you enjoy Spaghetti Westerns give this a watch, my youngfella also enjoyed it and it is tame enough for kids. Just about a 6*

Copper Mountain (1983 TV Movie)

My eyes are hurting

[3/10 · 12 July 2023]

As a huge Jim Carrey fan, watching this it might of taken him a few goes to find his feet. This film falls short in every possible way, poor editing, awful sound as someone who lives B-Movies you'd expect this but there is no plot, no story and no comedy. Jim Carrey is trying hard but the substance isn't there and everything comes across cringy, if you watched this in 1983, you would of never thought he'd make some legendary films later on in his career. He does have a bar or two for singing though. Avoid unless you like Saturday morning TV junk movies or you have to watch all of Jim Carrey's catalogue.

For the fans of Cheese: there isn't any, it's all cringe.

Avalanche (1978)

I can't stop looking at Rock Hudson's teeth

[6/10 · 11 July 2023]

First off, this film is pure s***e. If I was rating it on quality alone it would score a 2 or 3, but my wife and I had an absolute ball watching this, it is unintentionally hysterically funny. From Rock Hudson's teeth to styrofoam snow, it just keeps the laughs coming.

David Shelby (Rock Hudson) plays God, suffers from schizophrenia and consistently sexually assaults his ex-wife Caroline Brace who is played by a wooden Mia Farrow. While intermittently harassing Caroline and trying to win her over with claims like he built a mountain with his own bare hands (we can later confirm it is actually a ski resort), Caroline starts to finally pull away from the narcissist and begins to fall for mountain man Nick Thorne (Robert Forster). Caroline who we can only presume had been blinded by Rock Hudson's teeth (whether they are his teeth or not is still up for debate). Nick is that expert trope who warns the powers in charge about the imminent danger we get in all disaster movies. He is also perceived as the hero, but I'm pretty sure he caused the disaster, or at least played his part in it. Was he even qualified to use that canon?

They spend lots of time building characters and side plots that don't offer anything to the overall movie, but they do give the viewer a few chuckles. Some of the Avalanche scenes are good especially the stock footage, but not the polystyrene scenes. Rock Hudson is bizarre but fun, Mia Farrow is poor enough and Robert Forster is solid. The rest of the cast are hit or miss. The bad editing creates some great moments of head scratching randomness. Plenty of red herrings for the beginning of the Avalanche like Broken hearted Tina Elliot (Cathy Paine) runs into the blizzard half naked and doesn't even catch a cold.

If you like bad movies, 100% give this a watch you'll get a great laugh off it, especially in the company of others. Otherwise stay clear.

Word of warning this has a rating of PG, but there is a mild sex scene with a female topless.

For the cheesemeisters; This film is crammed full of unintentional melt, the best kind. Rock Hudson's David Shelby character would get a nomination for cheesy character. Hs bizarre random shifts in mood is defo the most valuable of material.

Quality 2*/Cheese 8* (using some sort of imaginary formula)= 6*

Batman & Robin (1997)

Campy, Cartoony & Crappy

[4/10 · 8 July 2023]

I remember vividly 14-year-old me nearly walked out of the cinema for this movie. It was the part when Batman pulls out his credit card, my buddy who went with me told me afterwards he was ready to walk after the opening credits. If only we both knew we would of saved 2 hrs of our lives. This might give you all the information you need to know about this disaster of a film.

So, what is wrong with this batman flick. It would be quicker to tell you what is right, but here we go. Well, it is campy to the fact that it is cringeworthy. The dark undertones don't match it's campiness and it comes off conflicted as was the case really with director and production having creative differences. It looks and feels like a panto and the whole film looks like it was shot in a theatre. The special effects are lazy. The acting for the most part is off, maybe not terrible on all accounts, but one actor is serious while another is over the top campy with no consistency. George Clooney (Batman) wasn't nominated for a raspberry, but Uma Thurman (Poison Ivy) was? The Golden Raspberries is as blind as the Oscars.

One of the best things about this movie or maybe the only good thing was Uma Thurman, she was spellbinding and when she is on screen it is the only time you don't want to put your foot through the television screen.

Arnold Schwarzenegger (Mr Freeze) isn't bad either, he is Arnie after all, making the character his own. Chris O'Donnell (Robin) is the only actor taking this as a series drama and his roll completely clashes with George Clooney who is camping it up to the max, both are awful. Alicia Silverstone (Batgirl) as beautiful as she is and she is beautiful with a body to match got a raw deal from the press for this film about her weight, not deserved at all, but in all fairness her acting was poor.

Is this so bad it's good? Nope. Should you watch this? Yeah. For all it's crapness it still feels somewhat like a Batman film. Watch it, even if the reason it is to just skip to Alicia putting on the Batgirl outfit.

Cheesy moments: It's difficult because the film is beyond cheese and moves into the stratosphere of cringe. You end up covering your eyes in horror, rather than laughing at a few actors hamming it up. Because you will the unbeknownst to the theme of the rest of the film, when Batman and Robin first put on the suits and the close-up shots of their junk is worthy of a cheese moment on first watch.

The Cry Baby Killer (1958)

It's all the girls fault!

[7/10 · 30 January 2023]

Entertaining 50's B-Movie. In an era of over acting the B-Movies of this timeline occasionally strip that off a bit and come across more realistic. With saying that this was not completely void of that curse as some still had the theatrical urges to over perform.

Without beating around the bush, the movie dives straight into it with Jimmy getting a beatdown. Jimmy Wallace (Jack Nicholson) is a good kid, who has recently lost his girl to hoodlum Manny Cole (Brett Halsey). A serious of events transpire when Jimmy attempts to win back the absolute stunning Carole Fields (Carolyn Mitchell). Carole is the true tragedy in this film, whether she is easily led or is afraid to leave Manny for fear of what he might do to her or Jimmy, isn't fully deciphered, but it is obvious she still cares for Jimmy. And the poor girl is the brunt of blame from everybody, the cops, Jimmy's parents, the hoodlum's da and even Julie who works in the diner can't say a good word about Carole.

Can Jimmy win back his girl and can Lt. Porter (Harry Lauter) the most laidback cop in the history of television, bring the situation under control without lives being lost. Will they listen to Carole who could actually bring the whole hostage crisis to an end?

The acting is pretty good, especially the main cast and apart from Jack Nicholson, Brett Halsey, Carolyn Mitchell and Harry Lauter. Some others really standout including Ralph Reed as Joey one of Manny's punks with his own agenda and Julie played by Lynn Cartwright.

It does have its plot holes but a very good viewing, easy to watch and just over an hour long so you can squeeze it in when short on time.

For the cheesemeister fans: The police have a conundrum about approaching the building that Jimmy is held out in, in case he sees them, but the only window is about 8ft high.

6.5*

Dear God No! (2011)

I hear you asking, why did I rate this so highly?

[4/10 · 26 October 2022]

First of all, I am a huge fan of B-movies, schlock, grindhouse, bad but good, anything with cheese etc. This just lacks character or a spark, the film is one step up from a camcorder film shown in a talent show at a community centre, there is little to no effort put in, the acting is bad, but it's "I don't give a s**t" bad, not "I'm trying as hard as I can, but I just can't act" bad.

Now why did I give it 4 stars, well 3.5 but IMDB don't allow decimal points. Well firstly, it is definitely not the worst film ever made by a long shot, some parts are entertaining with some funny gore/action sequences. A few of the actors put in the effort. Plus, the cover is worth a whole star. A highlight real of the action sequences would have been better, or if it was made as a short film instead, it's too long and starts to grind on you pretty quick. They didn't even have the interest to keep it going for the full 80 mins themselves, how can they expect you to be involved for the set time.

If you're looking for that b-movie gem, stay well away, if you like bad but still bad then it's all yours.

3.5/10.

The Banshees of Inisherin (2022)

A thought-provoking story of helplessness

[8/10 · 26 October 2022]

It is a well told dark comedy that keeps you wanting more, in a time when Ireland was full of despair, not long after the war of Independence and a long-suffering period that brought about a post-colonial inferiority complex (still hasn't been addressed to this day), a struggle for an identity, a repressive church, superstitions, isolation, mass emigration, poverty and to top it all off a brutal civil war. This film does a great job to put you in the psych of the time and to top that off the cinematography, costumes, music and atmosphere are wonderful. The film is itself a bit of a conundrum, on one hand it leaves you thinking nonstop about the story and the premise, while on the other hand you feel cheated by its abruptness.

Pádraic ó Súilleabháin (Colin Farrell) is just a nice man who struggles to deal with losing his friendship with Colm Doherty (Brendan Gleeson) and the further loss he endures. Colm, himself is in a fight against time and his age. The dark struggle of helplessness or despair is rife on the Island, but the story telling is done so well it comes across uplifting at times with light-hearted comedy sprinkled on top. Siobhán ní Súilleabháin (Kerry Condon) is a rock to Pádraic, but she is herself tied to the antics of the Island and Dominic Kearney (Barry Keoghan) must suffer with his own demons while he searches for love.

Both leads Colin Farrell and Brendan Gleeson knock it out of the park, but the two shining stars for me were Barry Keoghan and the beautiful Kerry Condon. I thought the film was going to take a turn for the D'Unbelievables at one point when Pat Shortt who plays Jonjo Devine and Jon Kenny who plays Gerry pop up on the screen, but after a brief scare they turned out to be a good addition to the banter and gossip in the pub scenes.

It's not perfect and lets you down in a few areas. Some of the dialogue feels out of place especially for the part of Ireland and the time period, which was a shame, as it transports you out of the screen and back into the cinema (this seems to be a modern trend with period film). The setting was also a bit too squeaky clean; brand new clean clothes, polished teeth, shoes galore, fresh faces (apart from Colin Farrell who did look like he spent years working in the elements) the poverty of the time could have been showcased a bit more.

My wife and I both enjoyed this film immensely. Any fan of dark comedy, this film is a must see with a word of warning: I would be aware if you are going to see this movie and you are emotionally fragile, that it does tap into the dark side of your brain and leaves you in deep thought when it is finished.

8/10.

The Brain That Wouldn't Die (1962)

When schlock movies get it right... OK, not exactly right but a pretty good flick overall

[7/10 · 25 October 2022]

Experimental Dr. Bill Cortner (Jason Evers) gets the prime opportunity to practice his new transplant procedure when his fiancée Jan Compton (Virginia Leith) gets decapitated in a car accident caused by his sudden outburst to drive like a lunatic. As he searches the sleazy joints for a new body for the love of his life, he comes across the absolute stunning Doris Powell (Adele Lamont). All the while Jan's head (Jan in the Pan) gains some sort of psychic power from the serum used to keep her alive. Apart from a maniacal laugh this new power she wields enables her to interact with a hideous monster (Eddie Carmel) using the psychic power of speech. Will Bill get his girlfriend a new body? Will Jan get revenge? And will Dr. Cortner's horrifying creation that is kept locked away in a closet escape?

As 50's & 60's b-movies go, this is in the top end of the sphere. The acting is hammy including an epic dying scene from Shakespearian, straight talking Kurt (Anthony La Penna), a scene worthy of the gold cup from the cheesemelt awards. The plot and story are simple, with a few annoying obvious inconsistencies like a mutated deformed hand is suddenly just a hand. The special effects are well done, bar the monster, if you compare it to what was being achieved at that time (you can see his hair at the back of his neck under the mask for God's sake). Although the monster is an obvious influence for Richard Donner's Sloth.

If you like B-movies or cheese this is the film for you, just make sure you watch either the European edition or the extended cut. The American version not only has the gratuitous nudity cut out, but also about 10 minutes of cheesy acting including one of the cheesiest death scenes. It is a shame this influential film was butchered with cuts before it came out, and most of those cuts are lost forever.

Loaded with melt, but one of the standout cheesy moments: When Dr. Bill Cortner takes away the head from the car wreckage. It must have been just lying there on the dashboard.

7/10.

The Killer Shrews (1959)

Simple but effective

[7/10 · 11 October 2022]

The plot is simple, when Captain Thorne Sherman (James Best) comes ashore with Rook Griswold (Judge Henry Dupree) to bring supplies to a commune on a remote island, a storm forces Thorne to stay put. The commune is made up of scientists lead by Dr Marlowe Craigis (Baruch Lumet) who are working on a way to stop starvation by manipulating the size of humans. Testing on animals they have managed to create giant killer shrews who are now hungry. Will Thorne be able to save the day while he wins over Ingrid Goude (Ann Craigis), all while watching his back from Jerry Farrell (Ken Curtis).

The film keeps you hooked for the entire 69 mins, the dialogue is cheesy, the acting at times is corny, but solid enough. The shrews look pretty good and for the 1950's kudos (might have been an inspiration for the dogs in Willow). It builds the tension nicely as the characters fear escalates throughout the night, along with the alcohol consumption... I hope they used prop drinks.

Not the best monster flick from the 50's but very entertaining. If you are fan of 50's-60's monster films or plain old cheese give this a go you won't be disappointed. It's no 'Tarantula,' 'The Fly' or 'The Creature from the Black Lagoon,' but IMO it has trumps over 'The Trollenberg Terror' or 'The Wasp Woman.'

For the fans of cheese: The ultimate plan to try and escape the siege is pure brilliance and how were they propping up those vessels with their arms down by their sides? Love it.

6.5/10.

Prey (I) (2022)

Tantalisingly close, but it kept managing to pull you out of the movie

[6/10 · 11 October 2022]

You would be forgiven to think that Naru (Amber Midthunder) is the antagonist of this movie, (maybe that is the point with the film's title) as the young girl tries to prove to her tribe that she can hunt, and she will selfishly succeed at all costs even if it means the destruction of her own tribe.

We follow Naru as she scouts the beautiful wilderness for prey with her dog named Sarii, who is the true star of the show (I vote this dog for the academy award). These scenes really manage to draw you in as she hunts and trains with amazing cinematography, sound and music even if they did rip off "The last of the Mohicans." This is film making at its best, but on the negative side we are constantly dragged out of this surrealism kicking and screaming with some terrible film making, I kept waiting for Arnie to make a cameo.

Some of the negatives this film brings include the CGI especially of the animals, they aren't extinct why can't they film the real thing, a stock shot of a hawk would be better than an obvious cartoon. The plot is poor, Naru's discovery of things to further the story is way too far-fetched. Her abilities are inconsistent, a warrior worthy of Sparta in one scene and a nihilist from "The Big Lebowsky" in the next... And believe me it is not because of character development. She is as quick as Usain Bolt, but clear to the eye of anyone who ever played a sport or dabbled in kiss chasing she can't run. The French buffalo hunters and their obsession with the Predator doesn't make sense to the Predator's timeline during the flick. The call backs just seemed wrong and out of place. They should have kept the language in the native tongue, it worked and was promising at the beginning, but once again you were dragged out of the movie with some awful dialogue, as they spoke with a modern lingo, I kept waiting for them to flip open their phones and check Insta. The average Predator isn't all bad, but not great either, still no skills learned from the first film.

Not all is bad though, the acting is good and Taabe (Dakota Beavers) has probably the best action sequence of the movie when he fights the predator, you can literally see him grow as an actor throughout the film. The action in general is very entertaining with some glaring CGI mistakes surrounding it. Cinematography is amazing, costumes, music, setting and the dog are all brilliant. Even though the plot has craters big enough to drag you out through the back of your sofa, the story is good. Aruka (Michelle Thrush) age shows no limits as she is stunningly beautiful.

All in all it was tantalisingly close, entertaining, but I have a feeling on a repeat watch it will start to grate on your brain. Good for a mindless viewing but be warned if you are a Predator (1987) fan you'll get annoyed.

For the lovers of the melt: A good few cheesy moments to savour. Take a step back and just cheese it in with some of them CGI'd comical animals. Another scene involves the Terminator music and the Predator.

6.25/10.

Cyrus (I) (2010)

Not what it says on the tin

[6/10 · 26 September 2022]

I wanted to score this higher, but it felt like it never got going. The film was billed as a feud between lover and son, but this never really kicks off and it is only a sub plot in the whole film which is ultimately a love story. A word of warning, the comedy sequence at the beginning gives a false pretence of what you are to expect for the rest of the film.

The movie itself has a good story to it and a solid plot, with a few laughs. The cast were absolutely amazing. John C. Reilly plays a bumbling John, who is willing to sacrifice his own pride to win over the over protecting Molly; who is played by Marisa Tomei (is Tomei getting more beautiful with age, she is stunning in this flick). While Jonah Hill plays the immature and spoiled Cyrus. A good one to sit down with the other half and a glass of Féin, just not exactly what it says on the tin.

Permanent (2017)

It has its moments

[6/10 · 26 September 2022]

An enjoyable feel-good movie with a nice message, but nothing to write home about really. The plot was a bit ropey and it had too many modern cliché's which kept pulling me out of the 80's. The story is charming, with a few laughs along the way and that cast completely knock it out of the park, as strange as some of them are they all bring their characters to life. Special kudos to Kira McLean who plays Aurelie, she is the bright star of this movie, amazing. I still don't know what to think about the score, which I suppose is a good thing as it has me thinking.

All in all, nice evening entertainment to sit down to with the other half.

Blackbird (II) (2022)

Is this Michael Scarn?

[4/10 · 24 September 2022]

Directed by Michael Flatley, written by Michael Flatley, produced by Michael Flatley, financed by Michael Flatley and starring Michael Flatley as Victor Blackley.

I so much wanted to love this film, I came into it with high hopes of cheesy one liners, over-the-top action, a classic plot straight from the 80's and all set in Ireland, but it is neither of those, just a pretty lame film all round. An ego trip.

Victor Blackley (Michael Flatley) is an ex secret agent belonging to a group called the Chieftains, he now runs a speak easy in the Caribbean. All round bad guy Blake (Eric Roberts) enters his establishment to do a dodgy deal with terrorists that could destroy all mankind, on his arm is Vivian (Nicole Evans) a former fling of Victors. Will Blackley be able to save the world and his girl?

Apart from Michael Flatley's 300 grand entries. It's really 80 mins of peacocking, postering, posing, smiling, old men and hot young women. Oh, and 5 mins of action near the end.

The plot is weak, so much doesn't make sense and comes across as an ego enhancer. You spend 70 mins not knowing where it is going, only to be disappointed when it gets there. The dialogue is poorly written. I feel Flatley had too much hands on and maybe should of let someone else take the reigns because it had the bones of a great action flick in there somewhere.

Without bad mouthing Michael Flatley too much, his acting is decent and he can rock a hat, unlike Patrick Bergin who seems to have just shown up for a pay check. The others do what they have to along with Eric Roberts as always. Possibly the stand outs are Ian Beattie as Nick and the beautiful Nicole Evans.

All and all a few laughs at the plot choices, but feels like a 150 min film, rather than 90 mins. Some of the scenic settings are great and you could watch the mesmerising Mary Louise Kelly as Madeleine all day. Avoid the cinema, watch it at home with a few beers with the lads. It might get more laughs that way. With all that I'm still looking forward to the sequel.

For the cheesemeisters: During the showdown, when Blackley goes off screen to beat up a few bad guys is like something from Looney Tunes.

Hands of Steel (1986)

The T800 meets Lincoln Hawk meets Luc Deveraux

[7/10 · 8 July 2022]

You could say this is a rip-off of The Terminator, Over the Top and Universal Soldier, but it predates two of them...

Paco Queruak (Daniel Greene) was trained, programmed and fitted with the tools to assassinate Arthur Mosely (Franco Fantasia) a scientist, reverend and politician who can save all mankind from a respiratory terminal disease that is wiping out the city. Queruak's last minute decision to pull his blow after punching Mosely in the heart saves the old man's life, or maybe it was because Queruak actually punched him in the penis and not the heart. Either way the cyborg assassin is now on the run from the authorities and the agency who created him. Finding refuge in an isolated bar he meets his love interest Linda (Janet Agren), but now he must also contend with the local arm-wrestling truckers. Will Paco use his robotic skeleton to defeat all comers or will he chop logs and arm wrestle?

Apart from some dodgy plot holes, the lab of Prof. Olster (Donald O'Brien) made from some exploding tubes and people randomly sprinting for no reason, this is actually quite an entertaining film. The atmosphere is quality in this movie, a dark dystopian city vibe, followed by a roughneck truck stop, both settings fit the film perfectly. The music is excellent, the acting is hit or miss, with some classic B-movie stars like John Saxon as Francis Turner and George Eastman as Raul Morales. The dialogue is kept to a minimum which works well and adds to the atmosphere. The story is simple and works, ending is a bit bizarre. If you like cheesy B-Movies or want to watch the alternative adventure of a T800 then give this a watch. I want to see more Daniel Greene.

Cheesemelt to watch out for: this film has quite a lot of the cheese. The death punch is definitely worthy. Prof. Olster's hospital scene when he is describing what happened to him, trust me it doesn't sound sexual at all.

Two Crosses at Danger Pass (1967)

A confusing but entertaining spaghetti revenge

[6/10 · 17 March 2022]

Alex Mitchell (Peter Martell) is a young boy when his family are gunned down by a local wealthy landowner and his posse, they kidnap his only surviving sibling Judy (Mara Cruz). He grows into a revenge driven youngman, to the disappointment of his adopted Quakers. Especially his brother Mark (Luis Gaspar) who is a constant thorn in his side, and becomes a royal pain in the arse when he sets out on his path of vengeance.

Will he be able to rescue his sister and gun down the men responsible for his pain and suffering.

"Two Crosses at Danger Pass" Confusing at times, but entertaining enough. A more PGish version of a spaghetti western, but still hits a few deep gritty notes, especially Peter Martell as the flawed anti-hero Alex Mitchell. The shootouts are very well done and it keeps throwing up hints of a great spag western, but never quite gets there.

It is lacking a real bad villain, there are moments, but it is never built on, so we end up with several villains and none they fully commit to. Charlie Moran (Mario Novelli), Sheriff Doug (Antonio Pica) and Baron Moran (Armando Calvo) are the main villains. It's a big pity about the awful editing and the damage to this film, as it took a lot away from it. If you are a fan of spaghetti westerns, then it is a must do, if you like bad movies also a good watch. But if you want the real story telling gritty westerns, then avoid.

Cheesey moment to savour: when Papa Moran's son gets shot in the big shootout near the beginning of the film, acting award for under-doing a death scene maybe?

The Violent Years (1956)

Not great, but has a certain charm.

[6/10 · 17 March 2022]

My rating is slightly generous, but there is a certain charm to this film and even with all its flaws you'll find yourself lost in its bizareness. A few have mentioned already, but the main theme is as subtle as a sledgehammer. Acting is rough around the edges and story and plot are simple. It defo pushes boundaries for the time and apart from the long winded rant by the judge, the end is pretty good, the ending actually saved this film for me.

The Quick and the Dead (1995)

With that cast it could of been great.

[6/10 · 9 March 2022]

Ellen (Sharon Stone) rides into town with a belly full of vengeance. The man she is after, Herod (Gene Hackman), is putting on a gunslinging tournament in the town he controls with his nasty henchmen. The tournament draws all the top gun duellists around, other scourges and lowlifes. Apart from Cort (Russell Crowe) all are volunteers for the tournament which offers a huge windfall for the winner and the glory of being the fastest gunslinger around. Some of the others testing there quickness are Kid (Leonardo DiCaprio), Sgt Cantrell (Keith David), Scars (Mark Boone Jr), Ace (Lance Henriksen). Along with the gunslingers are Horace the Bartender (Pat Hingle) and Marshal (Gary Sinise) and a whole host of other names and faces you'll recognise. Who will win outright in the end?

A good watch, but with Sam Raimi directing and that cast it could have been great. The showdowns are well shot and entertaining, keeping you on the edge. The beginning and end of the film is gritty and dark straight out of the spaghetti western era, if it had of attacked this approach for the entire film it would have been top notch. Sharon Stone looked the part, but she had too much dialogue, not bashing her acting skills, it was just too much at times for her character. Gene Hackman is stellar, this is no attack on the other actors, who all put in a solid performance. There was just too much melodrama and dialogue, which really took away from the flow of the film. I really don't think the film makers knew what angle to approach for this film, it tries to be everything-a spaghetti western, a comic western, a serious western, but comes across as a mishmash.

All in all one of the better westerns from the 90's, but not a patch on the Italian made golden era of the 60's. I'm torn between a 6 or a 7, but always round up.

For the cheesemeisters: There is a sequence of eye shots, that could be trying to replicate Sergio Leone's classic style in his westerns, or Sam Raimi's very own in Evil Dead II but just comes across comical, goofy and cheesy.

Dreamscape (1984)

Great idea, not quite there.

[7/10 · 12 February 2022]

It will earn your respect as a film and you will be intrigued, but not a film you'll write home about.

Alex Gardner (Dennis Quaid) is a psychic, he is in tune with his subconscious, once involved with the studies of Dr Paul Novotny (Max von Sydow) he is now an outcast, trying to live off the grid. He survives by gambling, his ability to predict horse race winners, makes this line of work easy pickings, accept there is a gang of thugs on to his abilities and want a cut of the pie.

Whether Alex is rescued or not is up for discussion, but he is whisked off to a campus and persuaded to work once again under his protege Dr Novotny in a project funded by the government. This project is to enter people's dreams, they then have the ability to alter the dream, curing night terrors etc. Something sinister is lurking though, otherwise we wouldn't have a movie.

Despite its obvious flaws, it is quite a solid flick and would be enjoyed by any sci-fi enthusiast. The cast are brilliant including Kate Capshaw as the beautiful Jane DeVries, David Patrick Kelly as the creepy Tommy Ray Glatman and a host of other names you'll recognise, Christopher Plummer, Peter Jason, George Wendt and Eddie Albert.

I might be a bit harsh to say the writing is bad, but there are enough kinks in its armour to say so, the flow is definitely off, whether this is due to writing or editing I don't know. It is a very good story, and it is as if there was a much bigger plan, but maybe money or something else got in the way of executing exactly what was wanted, it felt like it had lost 30 mins in the middle somewhere. All in all, a good watch.

Cheese moment: Not the cheesiest of films, but it has its moments. The scene when he is being chased by the govt agents, they are on foot while he is on a motorbike.

Airplane vs. Volcano (2014 Video)

Nearly as funny as Airplane!

[7/10 · 17 January 2022]

O. K. this is actually a very entertaining film. Now don't get me wrong it's not for the crowd looking for a film with a depth of meaning or an impactful storyline, nor is for the adrenaline junkies looking for a big budget action flick with all its bells and whistles. This is an Asylum film after all, but honestly it doesn't come across as an Asylum film (I actually didn't know until the end credits). It does bare some of the traits though, the melodrama, cheap special effects (that are consistent which makes it more enjoyable if that makes sense) and the corny characters. The major difference is that this doesn't come across like a low budget TV movie, rather a big screen B-Movie. Most of the actors are actually solid and the characters are well written. The plot might be all over the shop and the inconsistencies are rampant throughout, but the big winner in this movie are the laughs, you'll get a laugh a minute.

A mass field of volcanoes come out from the sea bed, rising up and erupting out of nowhere and nobody knows except two volcanologists, geologists, meteorologists... whatever you call them. One is the beautiful Lisa Whitmore (Robin Givens) and the other one is brown bread, she goes to a local military air base to worn them of the sizeable volcanic activity.

Meanwhile an airliner flies through the volcanic ash and debris, this kills both pilots, I am unsure how this happens, but it seemed like the debris struck them coming in through the window or roof. Well you needn't worry, the cool calm Rick Pierce (Dean Cain) is on hand to takeover the now repaired cockpit. The on board mechanic Frank Matthews (Anthony Marks) must of fixed it off screen, showing later his skills as a mechanic when he is sent outside the speeding plane to repair the engine. Dean Cain isn't alone though, with the beautiful air hostess Rita Loss (Tamara Goodwin) on hand to help out and keep the passengers calm, air Marshall Jim Kirkland (Lawrence Hilton-Jacobs) to keep order and come up with the most insane rescue idea convoluted by any human being and computer wizz Landon Todd (Matt Mercer).

Will Rick keep them safe dodging chunks of volcanic debris while the plane is in auto-pilot circling the volcanoes, or will Lisa the volcanologist and Specialist Neil Tully (Morgan West) get through to the unresponsive superior Colonel Ryker (Mike Jerome Putnam) and convince him to send half the US air force to their death to take on the might of the volcanoes.

From the jet cockpits straight out of a work office, to tossing children from a speeding plane to safety. From the discrimination of the air pressure and gravity, who pick and choose who should fall victim to its laws of science to the out of this world rescue missions. This is almost a b-movie gem, maybe it is but it is one hell of a ride filled with laughs.

For the cheesemeisters: so many to pick from, but there is one scene that was badly edited and gives a great laugh. They are tossing luggage from the plane, the next sequence shows people on the ground trying to avoid falling debris from the volcano, I'll leave it for you to experience, but pure accidental chessy excellence.

Bushwhacked (1995)

Fun family movie with Daniel Stern.

[7/10 · 27 December 2021]

Pretty enjoyable and wacky film. Daniel Stern as always puts on a first class performance and has the natural comedic presence to add. The kids don't faulter in their roles, they can be the make or break in a family movie for the big 'uns watching. I've seen this film loads of times and I still laughed out loud a dozen times, always a fun revisit. Not the greatest but fun, safe and simple.

Very Cool Christmas (2004 TV Movie)

Only for the cheese of George Hamilton, this would be a 1 star

[4/10 · 27 December 2021]

Just enough cheese from George Hamilton to make it watchable. Becomes cringy pretty quick though and by the end it is a hard aul slog.

Cheese: George Hamilton excretes the cheese.