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Superman (1978)
What a Major Disappointment- this is no masterpiece
I honestly do not get why people love this film so much. Did I even watch the same movie these guys did?
The movie starts on Krypton, a surprisingly dull set piece that looks more like something cooked up by a designer who is very rich, yet lacking in imagination. Nothing makes it really stand out as a truly alien world, making for a rather forgettable set piece.
Once Superman arrives on Earth, we see his origin story, which doesn't particularly stand out to me, largely due to the movie not really examining what his experience with his powers are like when he is young and can't control him. Another point of contention is that when he is 18, he is played by an actor who doesn't fit the look of Superman. We get to the part where he works at the daily planet, which is watchable.
The acting is decent, for the most part, I'll give the movie that much. But I honestly feel it could have been put to better use.
Now, for the plot. My first problem with this is that the missiles Lex Luthor steals would not be transported in any state for which they would be assembled and fit to use for the safety hazards this would pose. My second problem is that even a 100 megaton yield hydrogen bomb on top of a fault line would not be enough to cause a major earthquake. If Lex Luthor was such a brilliant scientist, he should have known that. It just doesn't make sense.
My third problem is that Superman brings Lois Lane back from the dead by reversing time itself by going backwards around the Earth (with terrible yet unintentionally funny special effects), which makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. It also kills what precious little suspense was there to begin with because Superman could theoretically keep doing this whenever he felt like it. It really just felt like the writers wrote themselves into a corner and pulled something out of their asses to keep the plot going.
This movie suffers from a terminally bland character who is never endangered by anything but kryptonite, and whose only personality trait is "nice" and other slight variants. We never see any of the dilemmas a godlike alien who was the last of his species and an alien to the planet he lives on would face. Instead, we see a smiling, perfect hero who is not merely incapable of doing wrong, but incapable of being tempted. If "nice" and "perfect" are the only personality traits one has to go by, than it becomes meaningless. The smiling, easygoing hero feels forced and fake.
I have heard that Superman being nigh invincible is interesting when he has to avoid being tempted to use his powers for selfish purposes, which would be true if he was capable of being tempted.
With poor special effects, a plot greatly weakened by holes and general lack of logic and an overdramatic score that blares out even when nothing of importance happens, I got one of the biggest disappointments of my childhood in this movie. And what frustrates me the most is that if Superman could be written so he is less one dimensional, it would be a movie worth seeing. Ultimately, though, this movie is a dull, unfulfilling exercise in wasted potential lack character development, a good plot, a good score and decent/interesting special effects. This, however, is just my opinion and you can feel free to have your own.
Man of Steel (2013)
Far better than you might think
Man of Steel is one of the better movies of 2013, certainly a definite improvement over the Donner films. There. I said it. One of the reasons it was as good as it was is because although it was certainly more serious than the original, it never gets too dark or depressing. The tone is occasionally light, especially when Kal-El first learns how to fly. The little things like that make this a success because they serve as welcome reminders of the original while being it's own thing.
The visuals, of course, are spectacular. As anyone who has seen Watchmen can attest to, Zack Snyder is a far better director than many people are willing to give him credit for. Each fight, shot of Krypton, superpower scene is incredibly well done and never feels fake or unrealistic.
The actors are all great, with exceptional performances all around. Henry Cavill perfectly portrays a Superman who feels like an outcast. He never comes across as melodramatic, and he has to grow into his role as a hero. Superman has a vulnerable, human side that grounds the film in a sort of realism. This version isn't nigh-omnipotent in the absence of Kryptonite. He isn't able to turn back time to bring someone back to life. There are high stakes, which help to make the film exhilarating and an incredibly enjoyable time at the movies.
Note: the hatred this film has received is largely from fans who wanted a re-screening of the original. If you can get past that, you will definitely enjoy this movie.
The Room (2003)
Undoubtedly unique
I will not attempt to describe The Room. If you are reading this, chances are anything I could tell you about this movie would be redundant, like many of the scenes in it. It is the pinnacle of so bad it's good movies, but is that really an accomplishment? Some of the scenes where so poorly done that I couldn't breathe for laughter. The plot is nearly nonexistent and would be incredibly boring if it weren't so inept.
I knew what I was watching was possibly one of the most incompetent things in existence, yet it was curiously entertaining. Would a one star rating really make sense to give if I enjoyed myself during this? Would a ten star rating really be appropriate for a film that only manages to be enjoyable due to failing on every conceivable level? I can't decide what the point of either would be, and there is no evidence as to whether or not this was intentional. Signs point to that it isn't.
In conclusion, The Room receives no star rating, as it is impossible to rate something for failing at something it can hardly be said to qualify as. Still, you might enjoy it... if you're drunk.
Silent Hill (2006)
Despite flaws, it is a good movie
I am surprised by how good it turned out to be. Originally, I gave it a 5.5, thinking that it was OK, but didn't really scare me that much and left me feeling disappointed. It went up to a 7 because I liked the story, atmosphere and it actually was scary thinking back on it. Also, it managed to be scary without a single jump scare. That alone is pretty impressive. Also, I liked how the characters were set up, and how the story of Alessa was revealed. I knew nothing about the storyline beforehand and was impressed by how they managed to pull all this off. My only complaints are that the film dragged on a bit long. 15 minutes could have easily been shaved off. Also, they put Pyramid Head there for no discernible purpose other than to have him there. Maybe I missed something. All in all, it is definitely a different kind of horror movie that critics have harshly received because they most likely aren't used to horror that isn't high intensity and jump scare laden. I appreciate the film and wish there were more like it, as long as it was edited better.
I liked how they relayed the story of Alessa because it allows for a complex narrative. When it is revealed that things are the way they are because Alessa was nearly killed in a ritual sacrifice, the dark part of her soul manifested and created alternate worlds through her hatred. The image of the nurse she blinded with her bloody eyes is one of the best shots in the film. She is burnt because her mother sought a chance to purify her from her existence without a known father. She was never protected from the bullying of her schoolmates, and all of this contributed to her hatred. However, there was a good part of her soul left, which took the form of Rose's daughter, Sharon. In the end, Dark Alessa enters Rose to enter the church and exact her revenge on the cult. This paragraph was to sum up the plot for those who complained about the convoluted plot.
If you were paying attention, it was fairly easy to follow. Plus, it had a nice atmosphere and great visuals, which helped the film to be memorable. If you don't have any other horror movies to watch, than this is memorable and likable, despite it's flaws. I would definitely like to see a remake with these issues fixed, and I will see the sequel. (At my own risk, maybe I'll enjoy it.)
Watchmen (2009)
This is one of the greatest of all superhero movies
A few weeks ago, this movie happened to cross my mind and I decided to watch it. It turns out that nothing could make me regret this decision.
The first thing that struck me was how the movie began. The comedian is thrown out of his high rise apartment by an unseen assailant. The scene that follows traces through time to show an alternate time line and was incredibly well done. Later, we see the origin of Dr. Manhattan in flashback, and we see his relationship with Janie Slater before he becomes the energy being he is in the movie's present. There is an emotional energy here rarely seen in most other movies, and the cinematography is perfect for the film.
Another thing that really stood out to me was the realism of the story and how it played seriously all the threats that the US faced in the time line of the story. The vigilantes play an important part revolving around this part of the story, investigating the Comedian's death and discovering the conspiracy.
This movie stands out most, however, because of the story and how it handles several heavy moral issues. The characters are smart and competent, but rarely heroic and often flawed, selfish human beings. The villain isn't clear until the end, and even works with one of the heroes. In the movie, Ozymandias works with Dr. Manhattan to create a sort of machine that would solve the world's energy problems and supposedly eliminate the threat of nuclear war. However, Ozymandias realizes that a source of energy is too little, too late to stop full blown nuclear war, given that the doomsday clock is four minutes to midnight and ticking. He knows that Dr. Manhattan sees his own time line simultaneously through the past, present and future, so he uses the machine as a weapon to create particles that travel backwards in time and disrupt his unusual perception of time.
When Manhattan finds out,he is too late. This conveniently allows Ozymandias to pin the blame on Manhattan to unite the world against the perceived threat of Dr. Manhattan. He succeeds in averting nuclear war, but at the cost of millions of lives. Manhattan is also forced to incinerate Rorshach, who threatens to reveal the conspiracy, which would negate the aversion of the war because of his stance: "Even in the face of Armageddon, never compromise." The end shows cities being rebuilt and humanity having a better hope for the future.
This movie is undoubtedly dark, with no completely clear right and wrong. The violence is brutal and sometimes disturbing. But there is so much more than what I just described here. It is also a detailed character study and a much more realistic take on the superhero genre. The characters and their personalities are diverse and contrast well. The plot involves all characters at some point and you are likely to get more out of this with every view. In conclusion, this movie does something rare for superhero movies and works as an incredible addition to the genre. Being visually striking, having great music, performances by a talented cast and incredible action are only the tip of the iceberg here.
Also, you may hear that this movie is "just a needlessly violent, sexual and depressing knock off of The Incredibles." First, this is based on a graphic novel that was released long before Pixar was formed. Second, this actually takes an unflinching look at tough moral and ethical questions without providing the answers. Third, the kind of people who say that kind of stuff just glanced at the movie but refused to acknowledge any deeper meaning while priding themselves as supposed authorities on what the superhero genre can and can't be. But in reality, the superhero genre, other than having superheroes, can be anything the writer and director wants as long as it is done well. Watchmen not only does it well, but does it in a way that is unforgettable.
Fred: The Movie (2010)
No
Clearly another example of how easily and quickly movie studios run out of ideas, it should come as no surprise that this movie is easily one of the worst this decade. Nothing here is funny, intentionally or otherwise.
Honestly, I don't even know what to say to this. This movie is a colossal, boring failure of the imagination and a total misunderstanding of the purpose of humor. A 16 year old acting like a five year old on crack quite frankly wasn't funny to begin with and is never going to be. Was there any effort put into the script? Go read the quotes section, and the answer you will almost certainly come up with is no.
Honestly, this was a painful experience that I could have avoided if I knew it had a whopping 0% on rotten tomatoes. But there was nothing else on TV that day that I was allowed to watch. I still get the sense that I would have been better off watching American Horror Story.
In conclusion, there are absolutely no redeeming qualities whatsoever in this movie. But keep in mind that if you have it, this is not a movie that should be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
Nightscape (2012)
What is this?
Nightscape is marketed as a horror, thriller and fantasy. The three do not go well together, and it shows when there are no scares or thrills in this entire movie. Even the one jump scare was so poorly, lazily executed that it had no noticeable effect on me.
It moves at such a slow pace its basically a standstill that inches forwards only once or twice in 90 minutes. The characters were impossible to like or care about, much less remember. The acting was an atrocity that broke the fourth wall just by how obvious it is made that the actors don't want to be there.
It gets even worse in that the plot is incomprehensible and boring as hell. I couldn't tell what was going on most of the time, and much of it seems to be pointless. I read a description on youtube that described this movie as a different and unusual type of horror that would linger long after the credits linger. Which I suppose isn't inaccurate if you count the near suicides out of boredom this movie caused. Otherwise, you will never watch something quite so forgettable. The special effects range from bad to an embarrassment to After Last Season.
Ultimately, Nightscape is a boring, incoherent, scare free, thrill free mess that is incomprehensibly boring, plot less and impossible to recommend on any level. Do, however, look up the four minute trailer on youtube. It is immensely less disappointing.
SpongeBob SquarePants (1999)
God, why?
When I first saw this show as a child, I kind of liked it. Turns out, it doesn't age well. Why? Because as a kid I would have never noticed the lazy, formulaic writing and overall lack of humor. It was OK during the first few seasons, but the writers started, it seems, to care more about how much toilet humor they can cram into an episode.
The jokes used to be clever, but even what was once a surprising flash of wit is now a dull, stale recycling of the occasionally amusing jokes that were there to begin with. The characters are unlikable dumbasses or flat, boring vessels for an endless stream of vapid, juvenile, boring and lazily written dialog. I honestly don't understand how this show managed to receive the awards it did, since it was obviously nothing special or original. Each episode is more and more simple than the last, demanding less than nothing from the viewer.
The plot is nonsensical and completely ignores everything that should be impossible. This is expected from a kids show, but the writers or some of the people involved are supposedly marine biologists. There is admittedly a large cast of characters, but none of them manage to be ones we care about. All in all, it has a decent amount of effort put into it, which makes all of these flaws even more baffling than before.
To conclude, this is an awful show with lazy writing, horrible dialog, a nonsensical or overly simplistic plot that will benefit nobody who watches it.
The Last Seven (2011)
Confusing, boring movie relies heavily on filler, yet has some redeeming qualities
This is one of those movies where you are drawn in by an intriguing concept, slowly making you wonder how it all fits together. It then proceeds to annoy you by failing to deliver on it's premise, which soon wears thin. Confusingly marketed as post apocalyptic, this movie quickly grows dull as soon as a man walks around the empty streets of London for fifteen minutes before anything happens. The seven people don't meet up until halfway through the film, by which I had lost all interest.
It got worse when the 18 rating seemed to promise many startling, gory moments, yet nothing in the film comes close. It fails to be scary when it should, with only a few scenes being even remotely tense. What I was led to expect was a terrifying post apocalyptic horror with suspense elements, yet what I got was one of the most half assed efforts in recent movie history. This is only made worse when the demonic presence hunting the seven is actually an angel taking them into the afterlife, which removes any intensity the movie had to begin with.
The worst part was that even after all of the story is connected, much is left that doesn't make sense. This is made worse still by unnecessary religious imagery that does nothing to advance the already nearly nonexistent plot. It does keep a nicely creepy atmosphere, yet too little happens for this to remain effective.
In all, The Last Seven is a boring, confusing movie lacking decent plotting, acting, gore effects and scares, ruining an amazing premise with inept direction and a nonsensical script. This does get a 3 because it does have a few genuinely tense scenes and a story that makes you feel great to be able to piece together. Another strength is that despite it's post apocalyptic premise, it doesn't go for the obvious and predictable. Maybe, one day, this premise could be made into something worthwhile. Overall, it isn't the worst thing ever made, but considering the cast, premise and ideas behind it, it should have been much better.
Also, this movie should have been 15, or 12 without language. Nothing in here is really harsh or violent.
Fred (2008)
No merit whatsoever in this show
This is a series that is an insult to human creativity, one that could not conceivably be worse. There is pretty much no plot whatsoever, nor are there any attempts at creating remotely likable characters. Yet, I will not assign a star rating. This could have worked if anyone remotely talented worked on this, yet not a single shred of effort seems to have gone into this travesty.
This could be seen as a form of surreal humor, yet nothing on this show is even remotely funny. This could be a form of surreal art, but this show has nothing to say. Even the "be yourself" message here is shown to cause Fred nothing but misery. The clumsy attempts at teaching a lesson come off as preachy and ham handed. Even the most stupid, easily entertained kids will change the channel before long.
Overall, Fred is an obnoxious, irritating waste of time where gross out humor is the closest the show comes to being funny. It still falls short. Lacking the necessary qualities even for so bad its good, this show defies classification and is devoid of any remotely redeeming qualities, making this show utterly impossible to recommend on any level. A star rating at least implies that there was one thing that made the experience memorable, good or bad. Trying to rate this show would require that the show at least makes itself memorable, and the most pathetic part is that it falls short of even that.
A Christmas Wish (2011)
This deserved nothing more than the incinerator, which it could have ended up in had the director actually gone to a film school.
When first seeing the DVD case, I assumed it was going to be boring, preachy and needlessly heavy handed in being so. I was correct, unfortunately, yet I was still unprepared for the horrible acting, scripting and execution.
The movie can be summarized as follows: women loses husband, moves, settles in new town, goes through a bunch of contrived and boring crap, only to finally get help after praying. The problem is that there is no sign any of it had anything to do with god. The villagers were already helping her almost as much as the government support programs she should have swallowed her pride and gotten for the sake of her children. There was no surprise when she got the financial support and room, which is why it makes no sense as to why she believed it was from god. Clearly, whoever made this had a religious agenda. Maybe her husband would have stayed with her if she had an actual personality.
I personally felt this movie lacked a few things, such as a decent script, decent actors and an engaging story. Kick-Ass, by virtue of a capable director and decent acting would be a better choice for the family. Sure, it may not be appropriate, but at least they will be entertained. As a plus, the humor there is intentional, and it works.
For this reason, I cannot recommend that you buy this movie. The only thing they got right was holding the camera still, and given that most movies are shot on a mounted camera, even that may be giving it too much credit. Maybe not, considering that if they are making back 100 times their budget each time they sell one DVD, maybe they couldn't afford a mounted camera.
All in all, lacking even unintentional humor or talent on the part of anyone involved, this travesty fails even as "so bad its horrible material". It isn't something I willingly watched, actively though unsuccessfully trying to avoid it. If you like boring, contrived, sappy, pointless and irritating movies so bad they fail to even provoke the bile fascination caused by Birdemic, this movie is for you. But if you are a normal person, watching this should be akin to an arachnophobe seeing a spider the size of a dog. That you would avoid it at all costs and never look at it again.