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Abattoir (2016)
It is really that bad
I am still mourning my money that I wasted on this turd of a movie at the fantasy film fest. Sitting trough this felt like a root treatment without anesthesia, wearing Spanish boots while listening to Justin Bieber. I seriously doubt that most of positive ratings are authentic. It is a really bad movie. Period.
It started with a decent idea - houses with crime scenes are sold off to some mysterious buyer, who rips out the killing room to install it somewhere else. A journalist dressed up like a 50ies starlet and a cop (her boyfriend? A fling? There is literally NO chemistry between them and it really doesn't matter considering the movies many, many flaws.) try to solve the case. Hadn't seen this before, thought it might get interesting. No man. No.
The story went downhill fast and disastrous, becoming super abstruse and pointless, ham-fisted and plain stupid. The dialogues are so cringe worthy, it felt like watching a soap opera. A really bad one. And I won't start ranting about the cops abominable American fake accent. All this is hard to abide, but beware, it's getting worse.
The main actress is a pain in the ass from the second she appears on screen. The trend to cast actresses for looks over talent ruined the little that was given to the role.. She was plain horrible (I really tell it true - I really enjoy beautiful and talented actresses on screen, but this is simply not the case here) and to my deepest distress, the rest of the cast was as nasty to watch. And all is oh so very boring and predictable!
This movie tries hard to look different,but really, it's pathetic. They try to gloss over the horrible writing, but it is all in vain. And worst of it all: even the jump scares weren't scary. The overall feel is that some douche gave an even bigger douche a budget with one option: mess it up as bad as you can. Forget about a plot, just throw random stuff together for the sake of it and release the beast.
I give the filmmakers one credit, they really tried to make the movie look nice. The production designer is the only one who deserves some praise. The rest go be ashamed of yourself for wasting my money and my time.
-1/10
Honeymoon (2014)
A brilliantly acted, creepy slow burn of a movie, but beware: this is not for the gorehounds
I really feel the need to stand up for this gorgeous little film, because the ratings do it great injustice. If you want to be entertained á la blood+gore+ugliness, you won't find satisfaction here (even there is some quite nasty stuff at the end). But this is no reason to condemn this movie as bad Horror since it doesn't relate to the ham-fisted, corny stuff we are used getting served on regular basis.
Let me say that I am a die-hard Horror fan and I enjoy a decent killing spree with guts and limbs flying around. But I also value the more subtle ones, the ones that creep up on your back and gives you goosebumps, not due to the impact of violence, but for the psychological horror that builds up in your head – given you have the brains and/or the love for the unusual.
'Honeymoon' is a well written, beautifully shot,truly eerie and most of all, fantastically acted Indie-Horror with a refreshing plot. I found it a slow burn, but this is inevitable necessary to introduce the couple and make you feel for them. Which is rare in Horror movies, at least for me, that I really feel for the protagonists – of course there are often good guys and bad guys, but the acting of Rose Leslie and Harry Treadaway is so outstanding, the chemistry between the actors so convincing, that it kind of broke my heart to witness the psychological pain these two had to endure.
This movie is not about effects and cheap thrills. It is the horror of the unknown, that you feel, but can't tell. The ending is not what I wished for and left me dumbfounded for the twist came a bit too fast and too radical. That's my only complain and why I'm giving it 9/10 stars.
I highly recommend Honeymoon for the ones who wish to leave the beaten track and to explore some more unique territory (If you liked this one, I recommend 'the babadook' and 'Absentia').
Howl (2015)
Boring and predictable
I am a devoted and true fan of theHorror genre. I forgive plot holes and turn a blind eye on some bending and mending here and there if the story is unique and I feel the blood,sweat and tears behind it. Stating this, the trailer of "Howl" made me dance around the house in anticipation. I finally watched the movie at the Fantasy Film Fest in Cologne this year and after the Vampire and Zombie flicks, I expected a refreshing switch to the less explored terrain ofthe werewolves - but damn, even though I really wanted to like it, this was just a wasted chance to create something unique. The acting is nothing to speak of, the screenplay full of clichés and worst of it all, it was 90% predictable and boring. This was a huge letdown considering the remarkable director's debut, "the seasoning house".
The start is quite okay, with the usual bunch of people stuck on a train in the middle of the night. Everything goes exactly the way one expect it: Last train, foggy weather, accident caused by a deer (yawn), the first guy goes missing.....the usual. And it is not getting better.
The character design is so dull it made me cringe at times. Especially our protagonist Joe, the timid guard, is the guy we expect to go havoc on the beasts later on, but nay - no switch from zero to hero, no focus on our protagonist, no pace, no thrill. The expected claustrophobia in the limited space of the train cabin is hardly felt and could have added so much tension (if you want to see how it's done watch ' the decent'). Instead the movie looses itself in random dialogues which adds nothing to plot or characters, and the pile up of lame actions is so frustrating that at some point I really didn't care any more. The 'bossfight' in the woods was simply ridiculous. This is such a pity, considering the great creature design and make- up effects.
Look, I am not inevitably craving for blood, but I need to be served with something! Even the gore was taken from me (did they use the same set of guts on the girl and the guy?), and so "Howl" drifts off into the void with an utterly uncreative ending.
Don't expect much. This is an example for lazy writing, dull camera work, stiff directing and mediocre acting. This is Popcorn entertainment for a rainy day on your sofa when you have nothing better to do.
Eden Lake (2008)
Everything wrong with Eden Lake
I was warned by the bad reviews but wanted to see it for myself. And god, they weren't wrong. This movie is an insult to the horror genre, a terrible collection of cliché, horrific writing and storytelling. After reading some of the positive reviews I can't help but ask in utter disbelief: What is wrong with you people?
I hate this movie so much! Why? Hear me out.
Protagonist Steve is a yuppie-power-alpha-scuba-diving male adult, representing the educated classes, with diplomatic skills like a boot camp drill- Seargeant and the sense for keeping an even keel like dead wood.
His girlfriend Jenny is the wet dream of every chauvinist - a soft, defensive, helpless and dependent female, with the looks of a doll and guess what: she is a kindergarten nurse, helps caring parents raise their children to mind - and helpful people. Yeah, man.
1) Sophisticated Steve claims to know the countryside, but has no clue about the mentality of the people.Ignorant a**hole as he is, he bitches his way through the village, behaving rude and impulsive, making sure everybody gets he is the super-dude from the city. Super smart and super clever. Of course his she-doll let's him have his way.
2) The lake seems to be very remote. The drive through the forest seems to take a while, and when their car is stolen, the couple walks back till dusk,so it is obviously a long way. I do believe that viciousness drives even lazy-ass hooligan-teens to do a journey just to harass someone. But a faraway place like this as a frequent hangout? Without bikes? In such a vast terrain? LOL, Never.
3) It is supposed to be a romantic weekend, but everything goes downhill radically due to his boneheaded stubbornness. As an adult and out of consideration for his girlfriend, he should have had the brains to get the f*** away from there. But no: Our narrow-minded alpha- male jeopardizes everything. His wounded ego cannot overcome the thought of being chased away by some kiddie-hoods, BECAUSE HE WAS THERE FIRST (that is what he says to the kids, seriously!).
4) We, the viewers, would assume the kindergarten nurse knows how to deal with kids behaviour or at least knows SOMETHING about their behaviourism. Something that could ease the flames. No. After crashing into to tree, he instructs her to run for help, himself being trapped in the car. And what the heck?! Instead of getting her s**t together and run for their lives, SHE TAKES A NAP in the bushes and returns without ever trying to find help (Of course there is no need to hurry when your injured boyfriend is surrounded by bloodthirsty riots)!!!!!! WTF?!
5) Beware of the working class, people. The adults are killers, their runts are killers, and they hate everyone who didn't emerge from their villages' swamp of evil.
I could go on and on. Leaving the boyfriend with a deadly stab wound in plain sight, pathetically covering him with some leaves for hiding...15 minutes before the end I couldn't take it any more, fearing for my brain to damage beyond repair.
There is NO character development, nothing that makes you feel for them. Only blind, cold anger over so much idiocy that I caught myself thinking they didn't deserve better.
The black and white portrayal of upper class couple being killed by the scum of the earth is the cherry on the topping.
And the worst thing is: the movie is so utterly without suspense and tension, cleaning your apartment offers more thrill than this. If you dig the "harrassing people to the point of no return"- theme, or just enjoy a well crafted killing spree, I recommend "high tension", "you're next","cape fear","in cold blood", "clockwork orange","the purge- anarchy" or the mother of it all "funny games".
No Country for Old Men (2007)
call it, friend-o
I don't give a damn whether the Coens did this flick or somebody else.
For me, all that matters is: does it work? And hell yes, it does.
The story is gripping and grim, thrilling from the very beginning. Brilliantly written dialogs and amazing cinematography. But what this really is about is the triangle Brolin/Bardem/Jones, who interact perfectly without ever(!) encounter face-to-face.
Above all, Bardem delivers the best performance of a serial killer I've seen in donkey's years. His Character stays entirely mystical throughout the movie. In one scene, someone says he resembles an impalpable "ghost", which, wherever it looms, makes your blood run cold.
Otherwise he appeared to be a man who seems utterly on edge, frustrated and latently bored to death of the narrowness and stupidity of human race. He condones them as a cursed malady of mother nature, but he gives a f*** to kill them when they haphazardly cross his route. But he has his ways with the "zombies" when he makes them call the coin. No more said.
Brolin and Jones are absolutely brilliant in portraying their characters too, no offense. But Bardem clearly is the big player.
This bloody tale of three extreme different characters and what drives them to to do what they do makes this one of the best movies I've ever seen.
10 stars