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The Bay (2012)
Well Done Found Footage Film
A bloodthirsty parasite mutated by pig excrement turns Chesapeake Bay into a marine abattoir.
PROS: Late in the found footage cycle, but a welcome addition thanks to a larger than usual budget and the taste of director/writer Barry Levinson (yes, THAT Barry Levinson). How Levinson went from DINER to RAIN MAN to THE BAY is anybody's guess. He must have felt he could bring some measure of seriousness to the sub-genre and make a few points about the ecological havoc being wreaked by mankind in the process. Sadly, a number of the pollution scenarios the film references are grounded in fact.
CONS: While THE BAY is a lot of fun for found footage fans, it's also highly derivative. Horror aficionados will easily pick out the references, which range from JAWS to CABIN FEVER (which it borrows from liberally), and that's before the film unveils its scuttling parasites.
The Lego Movie (2014)
Surprisingly Entertaining
Animated children's toys unite in what proves to be an entertaining and laugh inducing piece of popcorn entertainment.
PROS: Much smarter than I anticipated, the film strives to entertain its primary audience and the adults who are paying for their tickets. The results prove a winner in the manner of the Toy Story series. There's something for everyone here.
CONS: Let's be honest about this: this movie exists to sell product in the same manner as the Transformers series. Actually, it's far more blatant than this, as the "sets" are modeled after various Lego universes. It would be like a Barbie movie that features her and Ken driving around in the pink convertible, switching fabulous outfits, etc. I'm actually surprised someone hasn't tried this (or maybe they have and I'm just unaware). If you can look past obvious shilling and enjoy the humor, you'll have a great time with your kids.
Sea of Dust (2008)
Who Saw That Coming?
An imaginary Christian deity is brought to life through the belief of his followers and promptly proceeds to judge them in kind.
PROS: This is one gorgeous picture. It's also packed with ideas and so much surreal imagery that it meanders a bit, but fans of head movies will get a kick out of it. I saw it with a festival audience who voted it Best Feature for the second time running, which speaks volumes for its uniqueness and quirky humor. For those who want to look, there are also a few messages about organized religion. Just be prepared to take a time machine back to the early days of midnight cinema, because they don't make films this strange any more.
CONS: The film's dreamy surrealism is often sandwiched between scenes of brutal gore and endless wordiness. There's a weird juxtaposition. Ideas and characters seem to spring out of left field and then disappear again. For example, what's up with the urinating harpy? Who saw that coming? This definitely isn't a film for the easily offended.
Fist of Jesus (2012)
Wild Horror-Comedy
Jesus Christ resurrects Lazarus, who promptly begins to chomp on the multitudes. It is left to the son of God and his faithful disciple, Judas, to fight off the resulting zombie horde with multiplied fishes.
PROS: In case the synopsis didn't advertise it, this wildly funny film plays the Biblical story for bloody laughs. The inventive gore, which rapidly escalates throughout the picture, is matched only by Jesus' madcap use of fish as weaponry. The poster advertises the Monty Python connection, but the festival audience I saw it with got the Peter Jackson connection. "Fist" features fountains of the red stuff, but it's so ridiculously over the top that no one will take offense. And who can resist the cowboy zombies?
CONS: This isn't the most original idea. "Jesus Christ, Vampire Hunter" springs immediately to mind. Despite the recycling, however, "Fist" is the best made and most fun of the bunch.
Zonbi asu (2011)
From the Culture That Brought You Hello Kitty, Another Excuse for Child Porn
Parasites have infested the Japanese populace, turning the country into a zombie hell. A band of survivors must battle these tentacled monstrosities as they emerge (I kind you not) from the anuses of young girls.
PROS: I would love to tell you that there was a single one, but the synopsis speaks for itself.
CONS: I watched this (or parts of it, anyway) the same day I saw "Chanbara Beauty," a similarly structured Japanese zombie movie. Why? I had the stupid idea that I was missing the new direction in Japanese cinema. From its title to its fixation with scatological humor to its disturbing obsession with underage school girls in anal peril, there's nothing to recommend this film. It wants to be edgy and clever. It desperately attempts to infuse manga mentality into a story that is little more than an excuse for fart jokes and nude female bottoms. I'm certainly not a prude (I liked "Tokyo Gore Police"), but I found it disturbing that there seems to be such a market for this thinly veiled child porn. It's a really sad statement about a culture's legitimization of the criminal/unspeakable, and just how deeply immersed Japanese "art" has become in promoting it.
Oneechanbara: The Movie - Vortex (2009)
Only in Japan...
A trio of Japanese schoolgirls wages war against zombies galore. Much mayhem ensues. Disturbing titillation from a culture fixated on all things underage.
PROS: I supposed some people will get off on the zombie carnage, but there's little here that hasn't been seen before. Most will tire of the endless CGI blood, which wears out its welcome faster than you would think. The only real addition is having the zombie war fought by nubile schoolgirls (including one in a fur rimmed bikini).
CONS: Too many to mention, but let's start with this: why is it acceptable for a culture, any culture, to fixate on schoolgirls? The Japanese seem to have made a cottage industry out of it. Call it manga; call it camp. This is barely disguised child porn. It's loud and bloody and over-the-top ridiculous, none of which are excuses for fetishizing underage girls in the manner it does. I turned it off ten minutes in, but watched the ending to make sure there wasn't a socially redeeming message. I needn't have worried.
Furious 6 (2013)
Hard To Believe, But Who Comes to These Movies for a Plot?
A group of steroid pumped car drivers attempt to save the world. Really.
PROS: By all accounts, Paul Walker was a nice fellow. I'd give the movie a couple stars for that. And if you like seeing stuff blow up, lots of it, and can completely suspend belief, you will enjoy this testosterone laced car show.
CONS: Let me start by saying that this isn't the type of movie I would typically be drawn to. It's loud and brash at the expense of characters. There are few ideas worth exploring. In fact, there are no ideas of any sort. But the entire DIE HARD series descended down a similar rabbit hole, with each successive sequel getting louder and more ridiculous, and these remained fun. If you like fancy cars and the notion that the world can be saved by speedy driving, then you will love this movie.
Piranhaconda (2012)
Abysmal Attempt to Recreate "Magic" of Sharknado
A film crew shooting a B-Movie in the jungle comes face-to-face with a fearsome pair of piranhacondas, which resemble giant snakes with piranha teeth. To reach the requisite running time, a team of mercenaries is thrown into the mix, as well as a scientist eager to carry one of the creatures' eggs back to civilization.
PROS: The title is laugh out loud silly, which led me to believe that the film would tread the same waters as the vastly superior "Sharknado." Both films were SyFy Channel Original Movies, which further increased my hopes.
CONS: Too many to mention. This is a film that is inept on nearly every level. The script has none of the wit (and I use this term loosely) of the previously referenced "Sharknado." It doesn't even have the wit of grade school sleepover. Instead, it substitutes machine gun delivery of clichés and movie speak for character development. There can be no audience identification because the script is so bad that the actors know it. Star Michael Madsen looks pained (or drunk) every time he speaks. He seems to be ducking away from the camera, as if he's embarrassed by the screen time.
I know there are those that will argue that the script and acting are not the point of these movies. "Piranhaconda" makes that clear from the onset. Like clockwork, the director trots out some silicone enhanced beauties every ten minutes to be gnawed by the title characters. These women have no roles. They exist merely to add skin to the decidedly horrible plot. It's as if the SyFy Channel suddenly acknowledged that they could no longer court an audience through creature features and decided to hedge their bets with Cinemax skinflix inserts.
All of this might be forgiven if the creature effects were interesting. Or even competent. But neither is the case. SyFy again resorts to video game effects (and I'm talking early Nintendo here), which are almost laugh inducing. Actually, if they were laugh inducing, this might have provided some measure of enjoyment.
Not to beat the point to death, but would it have killed the filmmakers to have done a competent sound mix? Listen to the first ten minutes of "Piranhaconda" for a primer in how to ruin a low-budget movie with bad sound. Background audio rises or falls with the shot, a sure-fire sign that the filmmakers ran out of money and time before finalizing the picture.
This is an embarrassing film.
RED 2 (2013)
A Tremendous Amount of Fun
A group of former assassins and political operatives team up to save the world from nuclear disaster. Don't expect Shakespeare, but do enjoy the ride.
PROS: This is big budget action in a "Die Hard" vein. Lots of shoot-em-up. Lots of explosions and car chases. Incredible stunt work in a Hong Kong action tradition. But this would be just another in a long line of such pictures if it weren't for the amazing cast and unique slant: these heroes are all "over-the-hill" by Hollywood standards. Rather than smothering the fun, their age is played for high comedy. If only stars of this caliber were given opportunities outside such tongue-in-cheek arenas.
Bruce Willis essentially plays the same character he has in every action movie he's made for the past 20 years. He's the wise cracking killing machine who remains unflappable no matter how dire the situation. Thankfully, he's actually given a character. In fact, all the other actors (excepting the disposable bad guys) get opportunities to shine.
CONS: Viewers shouldn't come to this expecting deep social commentary. This is a large scale action movie, shot round the globe for reasons that are rather suspect, so it's all about watching epic destruction. But if I were to make one observation despite this, it's a little troubling that the "heroes" of the picture are just as bloodthirsty and callous as the villains. The only thing separating them is the distinction that, while they both love to kill (and this is repeatedly acknowledged), the heroes do it for "good" reasons.
We are also repeatedly reminded that this feature is of DC comic origin. In an effort to stamp their product in the same fashion as Marvel, this is reinforced with continuous cartoon segues.
I also hate to nitpick, but the weapon that so many people die to recover, the atomic super-weapon that is supposed to destroy 11 million lives if detonated in London, somehow manages to explode after a brief airplane ride over the ocean and inflicts absolutely NO damage on England. The heroes actually watch the mushroom cloud engulf the horizon and crack jokes about it!
Sharknado (2013)
Ridiculously Ridiculous
In one of the most ludicrous and unscientific premises ever inflicted on the viewing public, Los Angeles is overrun by tornadoes filled with blood thirsty sharks. Obviously, this is not art, but high camp.
PROS: This is a movie that never, ever takes itself seriously, which is its saving grace. Every sequence is played in camp fashion and the set pieces become more and more ridiculous as the film progresses. I won't spoil the fun for adventurous viewers, but this is a solid good time for those who can put their brains on hold and embrace the shear idiocy of the premise.
The script is cleverly constructed, which is unusual for a SyFy Channel Original Movie. These pictures usually seem to have been cobbled together by snickering fifth grade boys. The effects are also above par. Don't expect something on the caliber of "Gravity" (but who would, when sharks are flying at the camera as if propelled from rocket launchers?). It's shameless, well-directed fun.
CONS: Contrary to what the SyFy Channel might have you believe, this is not a film deserving of massive cult adulation. It's fun. It's lively. It's over-the-top ridiculous. But it is a low-budget picture that has a hard time masking its inadequacies, like the questionable acting of some of its stars. Don't let that stop you, though. This is the sharks' show all the way and they are more than up to the challenge!
White House Down (2013)
President in Peril
The White House is attacked by terrorists and it is left to a DC police officer and former vet to save the president.
PROS: "White House Down" is a surprisingly well acted action picture. Channing Tatum, who seems to have been hired for his muscular physique, manages some chops and Jamie Fox does a nice job as the President (who seems to be a frustrated athlete eager to redeem himself by kicking terrorist butt).
The special effects are spectacular. Lots of bullets ripping through walls, destroying offices, and general mayhem on a big budget scale. Nice sets. I had recently visited the White House, so it was nice to compare some of the tourist spots with these impressive recreations.
CONS: Given all the above, why would I score the picture so low? One word: script. While the outline might have sounded great in a board meeting, the resulting blueprint ended up a collection of clichés. Tatum is given a precocious daughter, just to increase the audience identification. She's then placed in peril and performs numerous acts of bravery that help her estranged father rescue the free world. It's one cardboard cutout character after another, with the villains the worst. Who didn't expect politicians to be behind it? "White House Down" is the type of movie that could have been assembled from a study group's opinion of this country's political dysfunction.