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malcolja
Reviews
No Time to Die (2021)
How can a film be both sexist and woke at the same time?
I am infuriated by this film mainly because I love the whole franchise so much and this was a mishmash of trying to please everyone and pleasing noone.
Top moments of blech in this film:
Lea Seydoux (36) cuddling up to a haggard looking Daniel Craig (53). LS looks about 30 and DC looks about 60. That's a 30 year age gap that just seems like she's cuddling up to her Dad. It feels skin-crawlingly awful. Hard to believe this scene is in the same film as the incredibly woke giving away the 007 prefix to a black woman. Because let's just pretend 70 years of franchise history didn't happen.
The killing off of Felix Leiter - a character who has been played in the franchise since 1953 in various guises. A lovable character, Felix has been helping us make fun of Americans even as we claim them as our best friends. Until now.
Lea Seydoux's wardrobe. In one scene, she is running away in sihouette wearing stillettos. The next camera shot she is wearing wedge heels. I'm guessing there was too much standing around in stillettos and LS just gave them up. But for the love of Pete, why white jeans?!? So many scenes in spotless white jeans. Frankly I'm dressed better and I've been in lockdown for 4 1/2 months and only got out two weeks ago.
The jokes are appropriate for the franchise, but still not funny. There's a Dad joke feeling which is probably appropriate to the age of Daniel Craig - See point 1.
Technical point: when mercenaries or other talented people abseil down buildings they carry their ropes in bags and don't just drop them outside the building where other people can look out and think "Why are the window cleaners here in the middle of the night?" Don't ask me how I know this, but I have it on good authority.
Why chase the Russian scientist all over the place to just push him into an acidic pond? Also, did the new 007 realise she just ruined James' only chance of getting rid of the nanobots? Because that was kind of a jerk act for someone who's toasting his death all sad faced later.
Using women and children as bargaining chips is kind of belittling to everyone involved. It's patronising to women (we poor creatures who need a man to protect us) and cliched to use children. There are no children in the JB franchise. Ever. Because this is a fantasy series where noone needs contraception and there are no STDs or surprise pregnancies. That's what makes the promiscuity so fun. It's not real life and that's what we love about it.
Don't even get me started on the ending. I was so annoyed I left the theatre before seeing the end credit that says "James Bond will return." Also I desperately needed to use the bathroom as combined with trailers prior to the film, I'd been in the theatre for 3 hours stewing gently in my wrath.
COVID has taken many things from us, but I think this is really an insult to add to our injuries.
Les garçons sauvages (2017)
Grooming young boys is not entertainment
There was a whole lot of stuff I didn't expect. I left at the hour twenty mark, but really I had enough of the woman-hating references ( the rape scene, the island smells likes oysters mentioned at least 3 times etc,) plus the gratuitous grooming of the boys first used to explain the rape of a teacher and then used to explain why they were all strangely attracted to an older man (The Captain) who ties them up in a style reminiscent of Anne Rance's the Beauty Chronicles (shudder). And they are forced to beg for sustenance from a penis shaped tree which squirts into their mouths Puh-lease. Maybe I'm.not the target audience because I like my partners adult and consensual, but in a #Metoo age I find it astounding that people thought this film aligned with modern expectations.
IO (2019)
Got angry with husband for falling asleep,hate myself for staying awake.
So so predictable. Just hated it. Netflix make it stop!!!
The Shape of Water (2017)
Guillermo Del Toro does "Amelie" meets "Creature from the Black Lagoon"
Diabetics beware, you're in for a saccharine flavoured heap of mush.
The Shape of Water was directed/created by Guillermo Del Toro best known for creepy and violent films such as Pan's Labyrinth and more mainstream writings such as Hellboy and The Hobbit. For some reason he has had a dose of the lovestrucks and written a film that is basically Amelie meets Creature from the Black Lagoon. There are a couple of questionable violent scenes (torturing a dying man by dragging him around via a bullet wound to the cheek had a touch of the old GDT that we know and love) but the plot literally has no surprises whatsoever. I picked the minor twist about 10 minutes in, and spent the second half of the film waiting for it to be over.
I am sorry to say the only interesting part was the reveal (not literally) of the sea creature's penis via the main character's description which is frankly hilarious.
Octavia Spencer does a fantastic job of playing herself (Was this woman born middle aged?) but let's face it we love her anyway. I would love her to be my best friend, she's a hoot.
Michael Shannon (whom I remember from Take Shelter and Boardwalk Empire) plays a creepy bad guy in a way that makes me never want to have him around for Christmas lunch. Why does he always play someone sexually awkward? I pray we'll never find out.
I was most disappointed that unlike Pan's Labyrinth and some of the other films GDT has made it's not set in a fantastical different world. It's basically the 1950s cold war era in USA with no real pretense of being anything but. I was hoping for a magical realism, but other than the creature, there's no otherworldliness to it.
I am a solid romantic, but I found the plot so saccharine that it made me feel nauseous. There is also a sudden musical number that almost had me running for the aisle, and my sister desperate to see my husband's face (He's allergic to musicals generally). Apart from this light relief, I couldn't wait to get out of there.
I am pretty alone in this opinion, our party was split between 3 people who loved it, and my husband and I who hated it. Maybe if I hadn't seen other GDT films I would have liked it more. My husband also thought the trailer completely misrepresented what he expected from the film. So maybe we were in the wrong movie. But I think romance lovers won't like the art house element, and art house/GDT fans won't like this film. So I think commercially it will be hard to place.
The Invitation (2015)
Unexpected...and a slow burn thriller
I really liked this film. Don't get me wrong: the leads were AWFUL, the plot was really slow, but when it hit the fan, it hit so hard I loved watching the carnage. I don't know why, but this reminded me so much of the Australian film "The Gift" which I had just seen - low budget, not much happens, but you can't miss a blink. You just know something's gonna go down, and you have to wait and see. It's worth the ride right until the end...I don't want to spoil it for you, but I think you'll have an idea of what's going to happen...a tiny itching feeling in the back of your neck, the hairs rising, little isolated events that just keep going until...all out war is declared. Enjoy the ride.
Anomalisa (2015)
most awkward sex scene but even worse soliloquy
I hated this film from about 10mins in, but i kept watching in vague hope it would improve. Spoiler alert:I was left with so many questions. How long does semen stay gluggy? Did Michael have sex with the automaton Japanese doll? Why would a British guy call his son "slugger"? Which scene was cringier - where they have sex or where Michael has a meltdown while public speaking? (I felt so much cringe at this point i jammed my fingers in my ears to avoid listening). My personal highlight was during the dream sequence when his face fell off. I was hoping he would spend more time with half a face thus sparing us his whiny droning voice. The concept is interesting ie having one male voice for all characters,but early on this left me confused. I thought he was gay when he was reading the first love letter and thought excitedly he might be having a marriage crisis, sadly not. if you haven't seen it yet watch the first ten minutes and only continue if you can bear that whiny Michael stone voice. If it doesn't make you long for a car accident please proceed. If yes,run now and don't look back.
The Zero Theorem (2013)
Don't do it. Serious, just don't.
This is likely the worst film I have seen in the last five years. And that's a big call. It just doesn't make sense. I'm a smart girl, but I couldn't make hide nor hair of this film. Random things happen for no reason. Matt Damon appears for about 2 minutes and there are far too many scenes featuring the fat naked main character for my liking. Plus the only two women in the film are a prostitute and a robot psychologist. Which is fine because the other characters are pretty unlikeable too. I found no one in the film particularly interesting, and I suspect Terry Gilliam was carried away being clever. If you'd like to see Matt Damon in a "proper" esoteric film, get out Dogma. At least it's entertaining.
The Canyons (2013)
Stick to indie actors for a better film
The worst part of this film is Lindsay Lohan, not because of her acting which is breezy and fine, but because her looks are really not suitable to the part. As one reviewer said, everyone in the film keeps referring to her as exceptionally beautiful and very very sexy, it would have been good to see a different actress in the role. Lohan's face was very puffy, her lips had a trout pout and her hair extensions were very poorly done, straggly and obviously attached. I guess that sounds horribly bitchy of me, but given the script I kept gazing at her in fascination thinking that everyone else in the film must be on drugs.
James Deen does a fine job of sinister detachment, and the usual B.E.E. stereotype of rich, emotionally detached, scarred male screwing with people. I find B.E.E.'s characters very difficult to empathise with, but I think that's the point.
All in all, I liked the dreamy quality of the film. The sex scenes are a bit offcentre which is interesting. I liked the boarded up cinemas and the beautiful, cold houses.
There were a few things I didn't understand about the plot, and I haven't found an answer for online: the final scene doesn't make much sense. I was left thinking Did Ryan manipulate the whole thing? Did he provoke Christian knowing he would lash out and murder Cynthia? Are the two men engaged in some wider battle? Why did Christian let Tara go? I feel like I am missing something, but I'm not sure what. Write back if you know.