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Reviews
Inland Empire (2006)
Inland Empire explained! (MAJOR spoilers)
Let me say, that I, Dan "The Movie Man" Wolfson have done it again. I have like in all of the previous Lynch films, managed to unearth the rich textural subtleties and secrets that lie within the film's tombs of confusion.
It all lies in the name Axxon N. If you remember correctly, Axxon N. is the longest running radio program in all of Bulgaria (or somewhere strange and European) that is mentioned at the beginning of the film. Think about this. This is the first feature length movie that Lynch has shot on DV. I'm going to assume there will be more. Now, if that next one was Movie B this would clearly be Movie A. Add that A to Axxon N. Rearrange the letters.
AXXON N. NO XANAX.
The actress, played by Laura Dern in her best performance since Jurassic Park is obviously not on Xanax. She seems depressed. Confused. Wandering from one murky hallway to the next. As I watched the brilliant images flash before me one by one. I realized this Phantom character represented the darkness or depression in Laura Dern's life. When she shoots him at the end with the gun she pulls out of nowhere (the gun of Xanax, I should say. Xanax was developed by a Polish Doctor Of Medicine named Dr. Tryzcwk Gunn) he is vanquished and everyone is happy again. Light and life return to the picture. Everyone hugs each other! A family is reunited (I don't know what they were all about though). There's lots of bright lights and EVERYONE DANCES! The woman that Laura Dern kisses represents the pharmaceutical industry, which America has turned it's back on.
It's no secret that Lynch is part of the crazy meditation cult. The Scientologists are their arch Nemesis's. I know L. Ron Hubbard would love for nothing more than to see the Maharishi Yogi lose his followers. Scientologists are against medication for depression, so obviously since these guys are like the Ying to each other's Yang -- the Yogi is totally for medication. I think it's great that they're out there fighting -- almost like the two Zoroastruthian Gods. Clearly, we know the battle lines that Lynch has drawn.
If you are depressed like Nikki and keep thinking you're being stabbed in the stomach, get on Xanax. Take it from me, Dan "The Movie Man" Wolfson.
(P.S. The girls who play the hookers are amazing actresses!)
Flags of Our Fathers (2006)
One of the least patriotic movies ever, Eastwood should be ashamed
Believe me, I know World War II movies. I watch so many of them I feel like I was there. Like I lived every battle. And this movie is not only a disgrace to all of cinema, but to America.
He hammers the point into our head again and again that the men who fought in World War II were not heroes. Oh really? Where were you Mr. Eastwood when the Third Reich was marching onward, killing Jewish babies and shooting freedom in the head like it was Old Yeller.
There's a big leftist agenda concerning racism towards Indians in the movie. I talked to many of my friends afterwards and we all agreed that we didn't hate Indians. I mean, look at the crazy old lady on the gold dollar coin. Aren't they carving some giant version of Crazy Horse? I mean, come on Clint. Make a new Dirty Harry movie. That whole nostalghia thing is working for Sylvester, it could work for you too.
I don't even want to get into the fact that he actually had the gumption to make a movie from the Japanese perspective. That should tell you about his true motives.
Avoid this one like the plague, you're better off reading some Oliver North books or renting a movie like Saving Private Ryan. Much like Private Ryan in Saving Private Ryan, you've "earned this" Clint Eastwood -- and by this I mean my scorn!
El laberinto del fauno (2006)
I've seen thousands of films and this is clearly the greatest of all time
Citizen Kane can go to heck. It's time for the cinephiles of the world to join me -- eternally lost in Del Toro's wonderful Laberinto (as they say in Spain).
Where to even begin? This film is deep. You will see it in the theatre and the film will not leave your mind for many weeks. I have never before seen such amazing character depth. Seriously, I cried at least three times over the course of this film. And I know I wasn't alone -- because my mom was right next to me crying too.
The dual nature of the fantasy world and the harsh realities of World War II intermingle in a way that is most delectable to the nocturnal spectator. The little girl will capture your heart in a big emotional glass jar and when she dies at the end, your heart will die too. The best part of the film is the adorable fawn creature. As soon as I get kids (and believe me I'm trying) I'm going to take them to this magical world as soon as they're old enough to read subtitles. It's important that they learn the lessons of the film, that good will always prevail over evil -- it's just that sometimes almost everyone you know and you yourself have to die too.
The General is unpredictable monster. I never knew whether he was going to shoot someone or just kill them. Every person he met! My grandmother (also present at the screening) remarked that he was quite like a fascist Elvis -- shooting the television instead of changing the channel. Although I guess instead of TVs this guy is shooting people.
The special effects are so real that you won't even wonder how they are done. You will simply believe that they are real. The fawn is hilarious. Was he supposed to be Pan? I don't know -- there are many mysteries to be unlocked and I hope to tackle them all when I see it again for the 7th time tomorrow.
Go now! This is seriously the greatest film of all time. Take it from me Dan "The Movie Man" Wolfson.
Clerks II (2006)
one of the most realistic movies i've ever seen
Clerks II really hit me at home where it hurts. As someone who is working the food service industry, I felt like Smith perfectly lensed the hustle and bustle of the daily food service grind. The restaurant is always busy and the workers barely have any time to talk. But when they do -- look out! I had no idea a film could be this dirty. Sex jokes and jokes that FINALLY put the smack down on Anne Frank really serve up a cinematic treat that comes with an extra sized fries of controversy.
One of the highlights of the movie are the characters Silent Jay and Bob. I don't know if Smith knows it or not but I think he's really hit upon a comedic team that could really go far. I hope we see them in more motion pictures.
All I have to do is go rent Clerks I and wait for the inevitable Clerks III! Oh, one more thing. All I can say is that you'll never think of people who have sex with donkies the same way EVER again! Rent this Immediately, so commands Dan "The Movie Man" Wolfson!
Scorpio Rising (1963)
Confusing And Weird
Look, if there's one thing I know, I know movies. And I don't know what to make of this. My film appreciation professor just showed it to me and I was really weirded out. I don't know if anyone else noticed, but the Bikers came across as a little gay. It's really weird that Elvis Presly and that guy who sang Blue Velvet would approve of this kind of stuff, but I guess they are in show business where gayness is like normal.
Another weird thing, why did Charle Chaplin look all old and mad? Is it because this guy filmed him for the movie without permission? If that's the case, it's just not cool. It's amazing what make-up will do for some people, he looked really stern and scary! But there's a really sweet bike wreck at the end. You have to wait a long time to get into it, but this guy totally spills off his bike. So I guess that was cool. So I'm going to give it a 5.
I don't know, you might like it better.
Killer Bees (1974)
one of the greatest killer bees movies i have ever seen
Me and my third cousin Louis recently had a KILLER BEE movie night! It was amazing! We watched 4 bee movies in one night! It was UN-BEE-LEIVABLE! In all seriousness, Killer Bees should not be laughed at. This movie is a terrifying glimpse into the horrifying reality of the oncoming Killer Bee swarm making it's way here from Africa.
The film show-cases two power-house performances, one by the inimitable Gloria Swanson (who, IMHO out-does her cheesy over-the-top performance in Billy Wilder's over-rated SUNSET BOULEVARD)...and the 2nd by...
...THE BEES! The special effects wizards behind this wondrous vehicle of movie magic should be lauded and made kings of a small third world country for their glorious efforts on this terrifying thrill-ride. I was scared to leave my house for several days after the viewing of this film, I thought the bees were that realistic! The only downside to this is some embarrassing 1974-era haircuts. Thank God I was just a baby back then! 10 out of 10 for this great film. Take it from me, Dan "The Movie Man" Wolfson!!!!!
The Swarm (1978)
one of the greatest killer bees movies i have ever seen!!!!
You don't think this is a good movie? How about this...Micheal Caine vs. a huge swarm of deadly African KILLER BEES! Yeah, you get the picture. It's that good! If you don't like the original version Alfie like me, this is exactly what you want. Imagine if Alfie had to deal with his relationship troubles while BATTLING KILLER BEES! A mighty 10 out of 10 from this Killer Bee movie buff...
A little note of trivia, Mr. Caine was eventually playing Austin Power's father. When you think about it, it's kind of creepy that years later he would be playing the father to the man who says "Oh, Bee-Have"...
Killer Bees? (1999)
one of the best killer bees films i have ever seen!!!!
I knew when this film was only 30 minutes long, that I was in for a bee-tastic treat! I was totally right! Me and my girlfriend Jennifer recently hosted a Killer Bee movie night. Amongst all the films we watched, we thought this was the most realistic. Killer Bees are NOT a joke and this movie certainly doesn't laugh at the horror a person goes through when they are attacked by them.
The title has a question mark at the end of it. This was not a typo, it was kind of a philosophical statement. The host was very inspirational in this department. Killer Bees? Should we fear them? The answer is a definite YES! Don Collier, the attractive and well-spoken host chronicles the death of his parents at the hands (and stingers) of a tribe of African Killer Bees when he was only 5 years old. It's hard not to cry along with him.
I also think this film is essential viewing for anyone who wouldn't know what to do when the Killer Bees get here! Watch this film NOW! It's a life or death thing. What would YOU do when the Killer Bees come to America? ESSENTIAL VIEWING! 10 out of 10! Take it from me, Dan "The Movie Man" Wolfson
Killer Bees (2002)
one of the greatest killer bee movies i have ever seen
I love Killer Bee movies. If anything would be in my top 30 film genres, it would most assuredly be Killer Bees. Me and my life partner, Jonas, decided to have a Killer Bee movie night. What a night that was! We watched 5 Killer Bee movies in one night and two the next! Definitely, this was one of the best. There's an exclaimation mark on this title for a reason. I don't want to give away too much, but you will never want to drink a beer again after the terrifying bee-in-the-beer segment that kills off a farmer! Holy moses! Killer Bees are a very real and dangerous threat. This movie did not shy away from the truth about them. I found the acting to be understated and subtle, a tone that was definitely necessary and sensitive to the hundreds that have died in killer bee attacks.
The lead guy gave a great performance.
I give this bee-tastic film a 10 out of 10.
HIGHLY RECOMMENDED by Dan "The Movie Man" Wolfson!
Intolerable Cruelty (2003)
one of the greatest movies i have ever seen
Finally, after years of let-downs and terrible films, the Coen Brothers DELIVER. Intolerable Cruelty is exactly what this cinema buff has been waiting for them to make. No more of the chronically unlikable characters, over-arty camera angles and post-modern tomfoolerly. This film is just straight up, unpretentious fun with great three-dimensional characters. I wish it were longer and there was more action.
Geoffrey Rush turns in another one of his trademark subtle, reserved performances and Catherine Zeta-Jones really brings her character to life in a way that no other actress could match. She's really amazing. So is that red dress she wears. WOWIE ZOWIE! I don't want to spoil anything, but if you don't laugh your head off when you get to the Weezy Joe segment, you're dead and you need to go back to graveyard.
My only complaint is that George Clooney is in it. And they should have had Catherine Zeta-Jones wear a bikini. Would it have hurt to had her character be a gogo-dancer or show-girl? That would have, like they said in Spinal Tap, made the number on this review be "turned up to 11".
HIGHLY RECOMMENDED by Dan "The Movie Man" Wolfson!!!! 10 out of 10!!! RENT Immediately! GO NOW!
The Scorpion King (2002)
one of the greatest films i've ever seen!
The most recent film from one of my all-time favorite directors, Mr. Charlie Russell. Russell has finally been able to top his magnum opus, Eraser (though the Mask is clearly neck-and-neck) with The Scorpion King. The film stars the Rock in a startling performance I'm sure no one could have saw coming. His Scorpion King is expanded from his brief role in The Mummy Returns to a stately, well-drawn character that stays in our minds and hearts long after the credits have rolled.
One of the best aspects of the film is it's lyrical eroticism: skimpy outfits and hair covering breasts, that is titillating yet refined and tasteful. A lot better than the disgusting sex-fest that can be found on the racks of your local Blockbuster Video store.
And the action. Oh, where to begin. I get tired just thinking exhilarating action sequences that re-write the book of exhilarating action sequences. Jackie Chan has nothing on the Rock in this film that would make John Woo blush and go back to China. I don't want to say too much, but the catapult sequence is one of the funniest moments in all of cinema history, and believe me I know funny. The White Camel is also quite awesome.
In retrospect, I have no choice but to give this film a mighty 10 out of 10. Take it from me, Dan "The Movie Man" Wolfson!
Radio (2003)
one of the greatest films i've ever seen
Radio is definitely one of the greatest films I've ever seen. A triumph. Cuba Gooding Jr. is sparkling and radiant as the role of Radio, the handicapped guy. I have seen many actors act like they are retarded, but this is clearly one of the most convincing I've ever seen. It's almost like Cuba Gooding Jr. is retarded himself.
This film also made me proud to be an American, a movie that shows that everyone has a chance here in this fine country. The football scenes are exhilarating and a marvel to watch. And believe me, I know football movies. If you don't cry at the end of this film, your heart has turned to stone.
HIGHLY RECOMMENDED by Dan "The Movie Man" Wolfson
Hidalgo (2004)
one of the greatest films i've ever seen!
Believe me, I know cinema. And this is one of the most exhilarating films I've ever seen. Each and every scene is a triumph. Not just a triumph of movie-making wonder, but a triumph of the human spirit. Viggo Mortensen really fleshes out his character and leaves us with a portrait of a man, compelled to do good no matter what the cost. The scenery is amazing. The film is also realistic. I don't know if you knew this, but it's based on a true story. A great allegory for modern times and an interesting experiment with the rules of the classic Hollywood paradigm.
Take it from me, Dan "The Movie Man" Wolfson! Rent it today, you won't be sorry!