lanimae61 Reviews

Red, White & Royal Blue (2023)

Gay Romance done properly

[9/10 · 13 August 2023]

I knew nothing at all about this movie, and only watched it as a Prime Video suggestion.

After 10 minutes it became obvious as a gay rom-com. Nicholas Galitzine as the British prince Henry and Taylor Zakhar Perez as the American President's (Uma Thurman) son, Alex. It would be very easy to imagine these actors in a real-life relationship.

I enjoyed the somewhat unbelievable fight that brought down a 3metre tall cake.

The story, though highly unlikely, is a cute "what-if", and such a nice change from high-powered straight lawyers goes to vineyard and meets high school prom queen ex-girlfriend. ACK!

The couple meets at a Melbourne event years before the movie timeline starts, and from the second their eyes meet, the attraction blasts through the lense like a nuclear blast

It doesn't hurt that the actors are hot, but it is nice to see gay characters portrayed in a 100% positive way.

There are a series of nicely constructed hook-ups, and seriously hot sex scenes, all of which we expect in a mainstream straight love story, but are omitted in gay stories. Either that or the love story is overshadowed by a cataclysmic disaster, but in this case the story is knitted together in such a way as to have the viewer cheering for them, out loud.

Highlights include: the misty-eyed morning after scenes. Low point: surely the moment when Henry dives off the swim pontoon as Alex is about the declare his love.

Alex's ex-hookup is a reporter who leaks the emails between Henry and Alex, outing the couple in the process. Just when you think it has all gone horribly wrong, a supportive American Presidential mama, sets the scene. A kingly cameo by Stephen Fry, although ostensibly negative, is strangely supportive when he asks, "Are you sure," as Alex and Henry prepare to step on to the palace balcony to wave to a very large crowd of supporters out in the Mall.

While there have been a gaggle of gays studded firmly into British royal bloodline going back a thousand years, none of them stood as part of couple on the most photographed balcony in the world

There were moments of tears, but many more moments of joy. As light as this movie is, it carries an unintentionally important message - we ARE here, we ARE queer, get used to it.

Heart of Stone (I) (2023)

2 hours or tedium and bad acting - Don't bother

[2/10 · 12 August 2023]

Dornan and Gadot head a "heart of Stone" cast that promised much, but delivered so little.

For a change, Dornan plays the black character against the pristine white Gadot, as if viewers still need good/bad extremes. The writing is dreadful, directing absent, and acting wooden. The paper-thin characters stumble from car chase to ski-lift encounter, lurching from one disaster to the next. All of this under the direction of a super-computer-come-skeleton-key which completely misses the point that it is the object of a hack.

Spoiler: Story is: The shadowy Charter organisation, with super smart computer, is hijacked, then rescued. And the baddy is shot. End of. The "Charter" was never explained fully enough to be believable, yet operates in another realm, apparently. Frankly, who cares? It is a waste of time explaining the story line, because even the actors didn't seem to have read the script.

The story could have been told in 30 minutes instead of 2 hours.

OH DEAR: Despite the delicious locations, the tedious chase scenes tried desperately to make up for a story line that leaves the viewer wishing the entire cast had been marooned on a desert island during filming.

We're expected to believe a disaffected agent (Dornan) is able to hijack an ultra-secret spy outfit and its all-seeing super-computer, a computer that is able to monitor every electronic device on the planet and predict outcomes. How did it fail to predict it would be jacked?

Dornan was unbelievable as an ultra-violent sex addict/predator on his previous outing, but as a mega-spy is simply laughable. Gadot is annoying, period.

The supporting cast did their best, but with the shambolic storyline and directing, stood no chance. The biggest shoutout goes to VFX, and even that went on for far too long.

It would be easier to explain this waste of time as a Bond experience, sans "experience". It wanted to be a cross between a Bond epic, The Kingsman, and a Statham tale of smash-up cross-country driving, but failed its KPIs on all points.

There were pranged cars, fast snow bikes, a picturesque night paragliding scene, and many appallingly amateur fight sequences. These were Frankensteined together with irrelevant dead spaces where viewers could pause the stream to pour another wine. "3 bottles" is about the only way you'll make it through.

The thrilling crescendo is showdown between the "black baddy" Jamie Dornan and "white goody 2-shoes" Gal Gadot was deep in the "heart" of the computer, and was more of a relief than a satisfying conclusion. Thank God it was over.

If you enjoy pretty travel guide scenes dotted with b-grade gritty chase and fight sequences, and don't mind the absence of a story line, this is for you. If you're expecting a well-constructed Bond thriller, or witty Kingsman epic, move on. At least they have pretty actors, but this disaster had nothing to distract the viewer from the gratuitous over-monied, under delivered, trashathon.

The Gilded Age: Never the New (2022) Season 1, Episode 1

Can Julian Fellowes' New American Downton Hit Top Notes?

[8/10 · 25 January 2022]

Just as he did with Downton, Julian Fellowes has carved out a slice of an era long-gone. This time, the Americans are given the Fellowes polish. The Gilded Age refers to a period between the 1870's, and 1900, which many might rightly refer to as the late Victorian Era.

The feature-length pilot picks up the gathering of characters, and the building of a carefully curated portfolio of personalities. Christine Baranski as Mrs Agnes Van Rhijn, is a huge favourite. Cynthia Nixon plays her sister, Ada Brook. They are sisters of means who take in their niece, Marion.

We pick up the story in 1882, as Marion heads to her aunts, and after a mishap at the station, meets Peggy Scott. Marion loses her train tickets and wallet when a brawl breaks on the train platform. Peggy rescues Marion, lending her the fare. Marion returns the kindness when a storm breaks just as they arrive in New York. Aunt Agnes' town house becomes Peggy's port in the storm, with her writing talents landing her a job as Agnes' secretary. This leaves the household of four ladies and several servants as the centre of our tale.

Meanwhile the newly-completed townhouse opposite, is occupied by the social-climbing Bertha Russell and her ruthless business-baron husband, George. Her first party is not the success she hopes for, which then sets the tone for her future dealings with the "old money" set who view her "new money" as utterly crass.

The houses are worthy Downton challengers, albeit on a townhouse scale. The sets and costumes are superb, and give the series a lavish feel, just as they did across the pond.

You might also recognise Blake Ritson and Harry Richardson, Brits of period-acting experience.

Ritson's character is typical of his type, and one we've seen from him before. He is highly aloof and decidedly camp, and at the end, visits his secret lover. This is sure to cause scandal in the Van Rhijn household, as Agnes is bound to be horrified when the affair inevitably comes to light.

The script is rich with period feel, but has very large shoes to fill. Downton is a hard act to follow, and Americans have form when it comes to reimagining British favourites. They usually crash and burn, something I hope does not happen to The Gilded Age.

The Haves and the Have Nots (2013–2021)

paper thin plot, terrible acting, dreadful directing with the only redeeming feature being the pretty people.

[1/10 · 25 February 2019]

I gave it 1 star for the extremely pretty people wandering aimlessly through through each episode, with every second line being "OK" thrown in for good measure.

The main characters come from 2 rich and powerful "Dynasty" style families, A business couple, and a lawyer couple. There is a cast of pretty supporting characters whose only purpose is to take off their clothes. The plot is little more than a series of ludicrous stabbings, bribes, sex scandals, and disasters perpetrated by a cast that is psychotic, or drunk, or both.

The writer was obviously a fan of Dallas and Dynasty, but these single facet-cardboard-cutouts deliver increasingly wooden dialogue with ever increasing disinterest.

Most cast members gel after a season or two, but these people seem to have only a passing acquaintance with their characters. In fact, some of the actors appear to have not read their lines prior to falling on to the nasty cheap set.

Most of the main cast members have delivered more than one line from behind jail bars too. The bars are badly painted wooden broom sticks. The hospital scenes are even more laughable..

In a nutshell, a business family have a hot (all the men are stupidly good looking) drug addict for a son, and a nutter for a daughter who dies early in the series.

Their lawyer couple have a son (Jeffery) turns gay, who in turn, turns a cop (Juston) gay. You guessed it, the cop comes over all psycho and turns stalker.

Jeffery has a hard time being gay and having a stalker for a boyfriend but that's only the half of it. Jeff's mum burns the skin off the back of Jeff's dad, while delivering one wooden line of incoherent babble after another. It isn't just that her lines are bad, it is that she hasn't the first idea about how to deliver them.

Then we have the business couple's maid, the incredulous Hannah. She has lost all her money, gained It back, lost her house, gained it back too, then got a mansion and a BMW given to her. Her daughter Candice is an ex-hooker who manages to bribe everyone she can get her hands on. She somehow managed to sleep and bribe her way into the whitehouse. The president has a PA who is gay. Of course the PA tries to snog the prez. Well why not?

After a 150 or more shows, viewers lose the will to live. Why keep watching? This train wreck is one of those things you want to look away from, but can't.

In the latest episode, the psychotic stalking cop (Justin) has been beaten by flunkies of paid for by the jeff's dad. Shoot me, shoot me now!

Are you confused? I'm not, but I wish I was.

I watch only to see the pretty boys with their shirts off, and that's all. If I have to listen to one more "OK", I'll scream.

My advice is, if you're curious, watch a single episode if you can. If you don't feel you IQ lowering with each line, check your pulse, you might be dead.

This is rotten, just don't bother.

Bad Times at the El Royale (2018)

What a stinker!

[1/10 · 19 December 2018]

The first few minutes were boring, then is got interesting with a bit of gratuitous violence. I hoped it might get better, it didn't. The first 45 minutes is diabolically slow. The next 1.5 hours felt like an eternity. Somewhere between realising I'd seen it before, and the end I lost the will to live. The characters were wooden and by the end you didn't care who lived and died. A run down motel spamming 2 states showed promise, then I realised I was watching a bad re-run of Agatha Christie's And Then There Were None. Unlike a Christie thriller, the plot here was hard to follow, perhaps because you've lost the thread due to boredom. Top rate actors should have been enough to save it, but not even a shirtless Hemsworth was able to save it. Some seeing it with me said they saw Tarantino, and this is perhaps why I hated the result. I was bored rigid by the time the wooden characters checked in. There was violence for the sake of it, in order to over the paper thin plot, terrible direction, stiff acting. It was like none of them wanted to be there. This was a movie should should watch at home where you can have lots of breaks. Better still just skip to the end.

Skyfall (2012)

Thrills, Spills, Car Chases and twists. Bond Times 10

[9/10 · 24 November 2012]

This film had much to live up the. the hype was similar to that of the awful Quantum Of Solace which frankly made no sense at all. Daniel Craig is back as the bad and gritty Bond sans gadgets. No car cameos for the sole purpose of product placement, like that of the weak as water Z3 of Goldeneye, or the split second Z8 from The World is not Enough, are gone. The action start right from the outset with that much lauded bike chase across the rooftops of Istanbul. We meet the new Q. This installment explains that Q stands for Quartermaster for those of us who haven't read the books. A computer hard drive is stolen with a list of agents on it. It's not a new theme by any means but this movie has rebooted the series for those of us who hated the Quantum of Solace. Bond recovers from serious injuries to return to MI6 to help get the hard drive back. Q gives Bond a Walther PPK with high-tech personal coding and a tracking device but no other goodies. In a way it gives us a Bond from the 60's who got by on guile alone. The score cleverly works in some familiar tunes from Bond movies gone by but the star of the Skyfall has to be the DB5 which is exchanged when 007 feels the M's XJ stands out too much in a crowd.

The scenery is stunning both in Asia and Scotland as well as the usual spots in London.

A slightly deranged ex-agent (Silva) escapes custody to rampage against the machine he claims created him. MI6 is under attack and Bond and M are personally targeted. We find out that Bond comes from a family who once lived a remote existence in a Scottish highlands house called SkyFall. I've revealed there will be a spoiler here so if you don't want to know what happens to M then STOP READING NOW:The crescendo is reached when Bond, M and the faithful Scottish caretaker are hold up in Skyfall which is besieged by Silva and friends. Explosions and gunfire ensues culminating the the fatal shooting of Judy Dench's long running character and MI6 director, M. The film closes with Bond accepting orders from Ralph Feinnes, the limp and rather foppish M replacement.

Skyfall was a visual feast with not a single complaint but I'm not sure a Gen-Y Q and a limp fop M will quite fill the bill for future Bond outings. Daniel Craig has not confirmed that he'll be back.

Stay tuned.....

Nearing the

Earth's Final Hours (2011 TV Movie)

silly plot for yet another disastrous disaster movie

[2/10 · 5 December 2011]

You know it's going to be bad when a bloke cops a bit of space debris which hurtles not only through his chest, but the the earth, and the unfortunate man survives long enough with no chest to reveal the location of secret base! Oh Please! How many words are you going to be able to get out with no lungs, and for that matter, a hole where your heart used to be. As usual, the disaster take place in the USA. The bit of space debris starts there and pops out after a speedy journey through the middle of our planet. The evil man from the government tries to stop the good man from the government from saving the world. The bad man has some deluded idea that he can shield just his little bit of the planet and all will be well. There good man of course kidnaps, er sorry, rescues a bloke who programmed a couple of huge satellites with floppy discs (as if that in itself is some kind of programming language). It was all part of a secret government experiment which was only there to explain how a few million bucks of hardware got into space. As standard these days, the good blokes kid sorts us all out because the teenager is a whiz at hacking which clearly qualifies him to speak to a 20 year old space computer. And together with the good blokes friend they all band together to restart the computers at the secret base, get them to talk to the satellites, and get those satellites to point themselves at earth, turn on, and form some kind of magnetic field which will start the earth turning before it has stopped! Oh yeah, there is lots of gunfire and punching. I'm sorry, this is just awful. The story is ludicrous and the script weedy and thin. The actors do their best but you never really bond with them. In fact by the end you find yourself wishing the whole planet is going to be eaten alive by the magnetic storm which runs amok throughout. The highlight was the FX which were OK for a low brow low budget telliemovie. If you are home on a cold wet winters day and there is nothing else on, read a book but whatever you do don't waste your time on this garbage. I rather feel like I have lost consciousness just writing about it. That's rather sad as I'd only just recovered from watching it. Honestly just don't bother.

Arctic Blast (2010)

Jusr awful

[1/10 · 11 February 2011]

Normally you can salvage something nice to say about a movie even if it just something to watch on a rainy Saturday afternoon. Well, it IS a rainy Saturday afternoon and I would have preferred to nail my feet to the floor than watch another second of this ZZZ grade movie. Michael Shanks likes a bit of SciFi but he must have done this one for free. It's a no budget, badly written, badly directed load of rubbish. Science aside, the characters were a thin as the story was bad. The accents were just appalling. The genuine accents stuck out a mile. For the record, the news broadcast that first heralded the cold front mentions the cold front is moving fast=t and has hit the southern coast of Tasmania and will arrive in the Capital of that state (Hobart) in 2 hours so it is odd they didn't look at a map. Hobart is almost ON the south coast of Tasmania. You can drive from one end of the island to the other in a 3 hours. A fast moving front would do the distance from the tip to Hobart in 5 minutes. And when telling his family and friends to shield themselves from from something that snap froze an entire ship in seconds, that a few blankets and a coat in the Evac centre will be fine. The plane crash in Hobart was utterly ridiculous. It's also odd that the mere touch of the edge of the cloud froze the surfer but when dashing from the car to the research station the hero and his daughter are OK when it envelopes them just as they reach the door of the building. To summarise, solar eclipse-hole in ozone-freeezing air- no one heeds warning, lots of people die there! As usual no one listens to Jack and as usual the American authorities don't listen to the expert and do their own thing. But wait, as they decide to try and send up weather balloons more rifts open all over the world and wouldn't you know it, it's the Major cities in the world being struck. It sure is lucky it opened near Australia's smallest Capital city. Phew, we really dodged that one. Oh no what will the hero do? Oh god I can't bear to go on. It's just too horrible. It's a shame the producers didn't freeze themselves rather than subject us to this load of tosh.

PLEASE don't waste your time.

Episodes: Episode One (2011) Season 1, Episode 1

What an Abomination

[3/10 · 10 January 2011]

Where do I start. This lacklustre mishmash suffers from its own story line. It is about a British couple who write a successful TV show in the UK and are asked by an American to do an American version. As we all know, every time this has happened for real, it has been a disaster of galactic proportions. I might add the same goes for Aussie shows the Americans have tried to Americanise like Kath and Kim. The British duo arrive in LA to be treated rudely by their own security guard at their posh gated community. They find they have to audition the actor (Richard Griffiths of Pie in the Sky fame) for a part he has played in Britain for 4 years. The Americans hate him. I realise the Americans are having a gentle dig at the fact that every time they give a foreign TV show a bit of Yankee polish, it falls flat on its face, but that doesn't make it funny. In fact the first episode was like having teeth pulled. There are some things the Americans do well, but comedy isn't one of them. Friends and Sienfeld to name but a few. There is nothing funny about Americans being rude to each other and everyone else. And the same is true of Episodes. I love the British cast but I find myself wanting to beat my own head in every time a member of the American opens their mouth. I'll give it one more chance but that's it. The limp plot just doesn't work. The cast try their best but the story doesn't work and I doubt there is anything to be done with it. Hopefully it will will a painless death.

Skyline (2010)

What a turkey

[1/10 · 27 December 2010]

Easily the worst movie this year. It started as a promising story but quickly disintegrated in to a mash of clichéd themes from other stories. "They are not out over the water" but in the distance the are ships on fire. Let's escape" so they run to the roof. An axe won't work so let's beat the alien up with bear fists. The paper thin story could have been wound up in 10 minutes. The rest of the 89 minutes was flummery and badly acted padding. The entire movie is set in and around an apartment block with the odd glimpse into the CGI'd distance. After a protracted fight, the "stars" allow themselves to be swallowed whole where Eric Balfour's brain and spinal column inserted into an alien which the shows mercy and tenderly caresses the girl, who is pregnant BTW. Oh god shoot me now! Of COURSE the "hero" is going to be the only one who is able to be withstand the brain being taken out of his body and stuck in an ugly monster. I am too numb to give any further energy to this TURKEY of a film. And if I see one more female Hollywood celeb with lips looking bigger than an over inflated life raft, I shall scream. Didn't anyone have the guts to tell them they look ridiculous.

The Man from Earth (2007)

14,000 years old. He can't be can he?

[10/10 · 3 December 2010]

A group in a cottage are taken on a journey through the life of a 14,000 year old man who hasn't aged since he turned 35. He had everyone convinced, then admits it was all a story. As the group leaves, John confides in the one remaining woman that in fact it was all true. In providing her with some of the names and recent places, the story is over heard by an old man, a psychologist, who it is revealed is in fact John's son. The story was all true and was being told as the young man moved on, as he had to do when people began to notice his age. The old man dies of heart failure in his sons arms, and it transpires John has never seen one of his children die in 14,000 years.

All through the movie, I wanted to believe him but thought I would be let down in the end by the usual American ending. In fact this is one of the best scripts in years. I saw the movie makers comments on RLSLOG. If only I had been able to see if on the big screen.

As we say in Australia, it was a real Beaut! Utterly amazing. How on earth do people think these things up?

The Event (2010–2011)

GAWD what a big old mess!

[1/10 · 23 September 2010]

Dreadful rendering of a plane taking off. Could have just filmed a real one. Dreadful writing. The chick on the scuba boat wants acting lessons. The basic trick of writing whether for print or screen, is to have a hook on the first page. It wasn't on the first page, in fact it wasn't there at all. "The lady vanishes" has been done to death and child kidnappings and shootings and pilots flying a 767 (I think ) into a party where the Pres is is all a bit thin. Then the whole thing goes up in a wormhole of smoke...POOF! Did someone sit down with a kitchen mixer and stick in the plots and scripts of every genre for the last 50 years to come up with this weak mish-mash of unpleasantly disjointed scenes? I understand what they are trying to do, sadly, but it just isn't interesting. AND, if they are all dead at the end of it and have been all along, I shall throw myself of something very tall. I'll give it another week, but I won't be sitting through another 4 seasons like I did with lost, only to be bitterly let down at the end. Unlike most massages, no happy ending I fear!!!!

The Kings of Mykonos (2010)

Cute for a Sunday arvo when you want something light to watch

[8/10 · 23 September 2010]

Man goes to Greece to claim fortune. Has to pay taxes and the rest is just a bit of fun. I thought Alex Dimitriades Englsih with a Greek accent was hysterical. But then he could say nothing at all and I would be happy, he is still a bit dishy. The supporting talent was a bit thin but I loved the mad woman in blue jabbering at them in Greek holding a very sharp knife. LOL. always gets a laugh. Great follow to wog boy. It's nicely filmed with great Aussie talent. The scenery is a bit special. Don't expect a masterpiece, it isn't that, but it is something to funny to watch when you just want to sit and be amused and not to have to think too hard. Sit back, relax and put your feet up. If you like the actors, then this is for you, otherwise you might be a bit bored.

The New Daughter (2009)

stunning in its awfulness

[1/10 · 8 May 2010]

Wow what a stinker! Badly acted, badly written and badly directed. When a man moves his family to an isolated old house, you just know it is going to be one long cliché from beginning to end. Creepy noises and things that go bump just weren't enough to spark even moderate interest. Costner is wooden at the best of times, but he delivered some particularly unconvincing lines in this rotter. When the daughter starts acting up, she should have been sent away and when the mound was found, if should have been leveled, then maybe we wouldn't have had top sit through what seemed like 15 hours of tripe. The plot was so thin and old that the viewer never stands a chance of getting to know the characters, much less care whether they live or die. Quite the contrary in fact. One wished they had all died in the opening credits so we could have skipped straight to the infomercials. No explanation was given for much of what happened with only passing references to mounds in back yards, and people acting strangely around them. By the time the shooting started, I found myself wishing they had started with me!!!! I bet this was a "direct to video" because people demanding money back would have been embarrassing. If you like cheesy acting and 70's special effects, then the "creatures" should appeal. If you don't, stay clear of this appalling trash and play a board game instead.

Rotten, don't bother!

Forbidden Science (2009)

I have only 2 words for you, UTTER RUBBISH

[1/10 · 27 September 2009]

This is the most horrible tripe I have ever come across. It's merely a way to show straight sex (with the odd lesbian scene for good measure) on prime time. There is bugger-all story with the plot thinner Hugh Heffner's hair. Some of the actors are vaguely attractive but if this garbage isn't canceled, I'll eat my own tongue! I don't think I can bear another episode without tying my intestines around my own throat and strangling myself. If watching some Luke warm acting with half baked badly written dialogue is your idea of heaven then look no further. I thought I had seen everything until the lab girl makes herself a couple of clones to have sex with. Still, at least grunting is the same no matter how bad the actor. I am 4 eps into this crap and still don't know what the story is about. People get murdered, and some other idiots are seen to be protesting the making of clones. Thats about it really. That and some rubbish sex scenes.

Fast forward to the interesting bits, the credits!

The Lost Treasure of the Grand Canyon (2008 TV Movie)

Z grade STINKFEST Don't bother!

[1/10 · 7 August 2009]

God almighty, this movie had nothing good about it. Wooden acting, stinky script with a plot thinner than grannies undies. I can't believe there were any named actors in this rubbish. With stars of Stargate SG1, Charmed and other top notch offerings, I expected better. In one scene, a particularly smart chappy decides to throw himself against a stone door in order to coax it open, 100 kg against 1,000 plus kg, get the idea? All he was going to do was give himself a head ache, and me into the bargain. SAVE ME! Every cliché was trotted out of the box to give us the impression someone knew what they were doing. Unbelievably, an Aztec pyramid in the Grand Canyon is meant to be credible as well as brief glimpses of a winged bit of nastiness stalking all those who enter. As they bumble through the story, looking for a lost professor and of course the treasure, you really wish it had been you who had been throwing yourself against the stone door, at least you wouldn't remember the experience next day! The lines delivered were as stale as last weeks' milk and nothing, I repeat nothing, was going to get me to the end of this without copious hot chocolate and cookies. There had to be something good to say in this review, because the movie certainly didn't give me much scope to say something pretty and sweet... I know it's science fiction, and I know its meant to entertain, but it fails on all counts. Rotten, don't bother.

Quantum of Solace (2008)

Not another Bond film... SADLY!

[3/10 · 1 December 2008]

I love my bond. I've spent many hours watching and re-watching every outing by 007. We purposely watched only the trailers for the new movie, no reviews. Why? We didn't want to spoil the surprise. We booked out Gold Class at Greater Union in Sydney George St, got there early to avoid the rush, but the theatre was nowhere nearly empty! Imagine my shock. After ordering the champs to be brought in halfway through, we made our way in. For the next 2 hours, the most interesting thing was the steward bringing our champagne and nibbles. Poor Cubby Broccoli would be spinning in his grave like a Christmas turkey of he knew what a "Barry Crocker" the studio was going to try and pass off as the sequel to Casino Royale. I love Daniel Craig as Bond and Dame Judy is my hero, but the five year old who wrote this story needs a spanking. There is more of that silly running/jumping/leaping and other similarly improbable moves that even the fittest superhero would have had trouble with. It worked in Casino Royale but is done, done, done to death. Unlike Casino Royale, poor "Q" has been given his notice and is sunning himself in Greece, because he certainly didn't work on the DB, or the watch, or belt or any other Bond-like gadget. No lasers or guns under the bonnet, no oil in the boot. Just some poor sap running about and punching/shooting and otherwise killing people. The committee (who never met) that consulted with the five year old to write the words and story line had obviously never seen another Bond film, not even the previous one. This movie was all over the place like a mad womans' breakfast. Someone got a whole bunch of stuntmen together and filmed them beating each other to a pulp, then got another man to find an excuse to blow up a god-awful alleged hotel in the middle of the desert. Oh by the way, just to make sure that it does fly apart, the seamlessly work into the story that it runs on fuel cells. Every room has a large cylinder in the corner with large friendly letters saying "hydrogen" plastered across them. It's just as well they all faced the camera or we would never have guessed that some kind of gun fight was about to ensue, and moreover, that the place was about to become visible from space as an appropriately huge explosion tore through the building blowing concrete to smithereens. Luckily it missed bond, phew! Even better, it only put a bit of a hole in his particular room instead of launching it into orbit around Jupiter. And as if by chance, the hole was just big enough for two people scramble out, would you believe it? But not onto a ledge, no no no, down the rubble, which had thoughtfully landed in a big pile right outside the hole so they could caper down it and on to the sand and through the desert to safety. Just as well they weren't thirsty or die of the injuries that killed every other living being in a 200 kilometre radius. I'm sorry but this un-007-like story was bad and almost impossible to follow, perhaps an extra few bottles of champs would have helped. It bore almost no resemblance at all to a bond film but instead was a series of cutting-room-floor actions scenes cobbled together by a blind man and foisted off onto us as a carefully considered 007 feature film. The actors tried their best, but bless them, the words "silk purse" and "sows ear" come to mind. I DO like an action flick, and there was certainly action, but I don't think it was all filmed for this picture. I think some clever clogs in Hollywood had a little too much blow when stapled the scenes together, because I don't think he got them in the right order or in the right movie. Since our most entertaining thing about the evening was trying to find the nibbles in the dark, I would wait until the DVD comes to your local Blockbuster and goes to weekly, get 5 friends to chip in and you'll have value for money. As long, of course, as you have a six pack of champs, two bottles of voddie an endless-tray of nibbles and a whole bunch patience. The only reason we gave the film 3 was the Daniel was partially clad, but not, in our opinion, for anywhere near long enough to get the extra points. This movie was NOT a Bond film, it was its' poor mongrel cousin.

We wait in anticipation for the next instalment and hope this crew got the chop before the whole franchise is deader than a dingo's donger!

Top Gear Australia (2008–2012)

NO NO NO NO NO What an abortion! Where's BBC's axe?

[1/10 · 9 October 2008]

It's not often one can think of nothing nice to say, but this is one of those times. BBC took a great show with genuine characters and turned it into this no-hoper, tragic wanna-be, poor mongrel cousin. Instead of witty banter, we get the falsetto "please shut the hell up or I will throw myself off the gap" Steve Pasati. Not to be out done, we aimed for the quick witted Jeremy Clarkson and got this annoying pratt (who is more like that awful Tiff Needle from the OTHER motoring show). If he tells us one more time how great a driver he is and how long he has been doing it professionally, I am going to hunt him down and glue his lips to his exhaust pipe and run his motor at 70,000 million revs or until he bursts or the engine flys apart in sympathy, whichever is sooner. Lastly, where the hell did they get the night club bouncer from? The puerile comments are meant to echo those of the British trio, but for the most part is just silly. The tests are boring and the challenges look ridiculous. NEVER try and imitate something like this which relies so heavily on personality. I wonder if the same idiot who thought this was a good idea also sold "Kath and Kim" to the seppos? Whoever it is needs shooting then drawing and quartering then shooting again then burying in a bog to be dug up again in a few gajillion years as peat to then be thrown on a fire and toasted til golden brown. At least then you might have something slightly useful. The worst bit is that if they weren't trying to be someone else, it might have had half a chance. Get new sets, new scripts and new presenters and try it again, better still DON'T! Just watch the British version and chalk this up to a dreadful nightmare.

YUK!

Marple: Miss Marple: Nemesis (2007) Season 3, Episode 4

Interesting take on an old favourite

[7/10 · 3 February 2008]

I'm now used to the new Miss Marple. Others have said that they preferred Margaret Rutherford and Joan Hickson, but they all have a place in each new generation of Christie fans. Though the stories now wander from the original plots somewhat, they make for entertaining viewing in their own right. I always imagined Miss Marple to be a wool-knitting, ruddy cheeked slightly frail old lady. Each new Marple gets further away from that notion, but I for one like a new take on an old theme. The flitting back and forth was no more difficult a theme to follow than the books written many years ago. It just takes a bit of imagination. I love the new slant on the 30' and 40's (and even 50's) through the eyes of the writers of the new screenplays. Modern music and camera work give a fresh face to what is a very old TV-play and book. The only sad thing is that no longer could you imagine seeing movies as plays on the stage, something which was very easy with the old rather over-acted melodramas...

Keep up the good work and I for one will be waiting for the next release! I'm sure Agatha is in the great screening room in the sky loving the fact that her stories live on in the changing media of the 21st century - something she could never have dared to think when she wrote her novels....

Mrs. Henderson Presents (2005)

Wonderfully witty Judy/Bob combo with cute Will!

[10/10 · 15 May 2006]

I can't remember seeing Judy in anything I didn't like. My only regret with this gorgeous film is that I didn't see it sooner. It was good to see Bob again. I thought my eyes had gone when I saw the gorgeous Will Young prancing (sorry, I meant dancing) about on the stage. Love that cute lisp Will! Now, to the story..... a dusty old theatre is given a spit and polish so that shiny new shows can be put on. It starts as a fancy of an aging, newly widowed woman with plenty of spunk! After hiring the right man for the job (hoskins), the shows start and go well for w short time, then go pear shaped. That's where the nude reviews come in. The film has you laughing and crying (sometimes at the same time), but never bored. I won't say much more except for this... I was half way through a tim tam when Dame Judy walked into the theatre for a word with Bob. What she found was the entire cast and crew plus a few hangers-on completely nude, joking and laughing! I thought my tim tam was going to do cannon ball impersonations across the room. I haven't laughed so much in ages (and here was I thinking I was going to have to goto the UK to see will naked!) It's a MUST SEE. If it wasn't for that scene, it would only have been a 9.5 out of ten. I thought they deserved and extra .5 for that alone. It's fun with a real feeling for the era. Let's have some more................ OH AND BY THE WAY A TIM TAM IN A CHOCOLATE BISCUIT AND AUSTRALIANS SPELL THEATRE with an "RE" NOT ,I REPEAT NOT, THE American WAY with an "ER".

Supernova (2005 TV Movie)

What a turkey! silly plot all over the place with rotten acting

[1/10 · 11 November 2005]

What a waste of time. The plot was thin, the special effects bad and the acting even worse. This will not go down as a memorable film for anyone involved in watching it, or making it. There was an attempt to spice up the story by adding a serial killer. This just did not fit the story at all. We were all set for some major damage, and, NOTHING! No one saving the planet, or doing something noble. Just some guy who made a mistake in a calculation resulting in some bad research. First the powers that be wanted him shut up, then they wanted his help, then they finally discovered the mistake. As if by magic, the solar activity stopped, the serial killer copped a few bullets and the maths expert and his wife have a well deserved kiss. WHAT A LOAD OF RUBBISH. Don't bother unless you're having trouble sleeping.

My House in Umbria (2003 TV Movie)

Dame Maggie will never ever put a foot wrong

[9/10 · 19 September 2005]

I reserve 10 out of ten for "Tea With Mussolini". Dame Maggie gives another outstanding performance as a writer who encounters a bomb on a train. It was a way to introduce the 4 main characters (not including the fabulous Quinty) who we come to love. The clever voice overs weave a beautiful thread (by Maggie of course) tieing together a story of mutual care and affection. Mrs Delahunty loves a drink or 15 and her hospitality extends to anyone within her reach. Has she become a lonely old lady who just wants company in her secluded villa? Does it really matter that there may be a dark secret amongst her guests? No! The outside dinner scene the night before the girl Aimee was due to leave was stunning. I so hoped she wouldn't go and that the "family" would stay together........

I'd wath this again and again and will add it to my extensive collection. GO DAME MAGGIE!

The Crow: Wicked Prayer (2005)

What a STINKER!

[1/10 · 30 July 2005]

This is probably the worst movie I have ever seen. Had it not been for Ed Furlong of Terminator fame, this would have been impossible to sit through. The acting was thin and the script just too awful to mention. There was a lack of cohesion right from the start. The writers obviously had said everything that they wanted to say in about 10 minutes and the rest was a time filler. The special effects department were a little short of money, so was unbelievably cheesy. I hoped that there might have been some interesting moments once Ed put on the crow makeup, but no. He soldiered on to make the best of a bad situation thankfully. I'm struggling to think of one good thing to say about this film but really the only thing I can come up with is my recommendation which is this:- Please DON"T BOTHER. Find something serious, or funny, or maybe even corny, just don't get this one.....it's bad. This was a waste of money.

Straight-Jacket (2004)

Thought it would be boring but didn't stop laughing.

[8/10 · 30 July 2005]

This film was fun and din't take itself too seriously. The early minutes seemed to drag a bit but stay with it and you be pleasantly surprised. Once the actors warmed to their parts, the whole things came together and became a little more polished. At least the 2 cute boys playing the male leads were nice to look at. If you want something to watch on a cold winter night, have a chuckle and a spot of pop corn, but not have to think too deeply then this is the movie for you. It isn't gone with the wind, but then it doesn't pretend to be. It's nice to see a gay movie that laughs at the world without trying to make a point. I'd watch it again and will certainly put it in the gay section of my collection.