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Five Nights at Freddy's (2023)
It's literally too dark
This adaptation of the video game franchise deserves credit for presenting the source material in an authentic manner. Unfortunately, it's filmed in such dark settings - literally, not enough lighting - that it's difficult to follow a good stretch of the film. The final third is almost entirely filmed in dark rooms and hallways. I understand leaning into darkness to enhance the horror effect, but if you can't see the terrorizing effect then what's the point?
The overall reactions don't suggest there will be a sequel - but if they do manage to return, I hope the dark trope is dropped in favor of new scare methods.
The Butterfly Effect (2004)
Every actor has one GREAT performance in them. This is Ashton's.
Let's face it, Ashton Kutcher has proffered himself to be a number of things, and a great actor is not one of them. His turns are simply not convincing... perhaps not awful, but close to unwatchable. But I believe every bad actor has one great performance to give if they struggle long enough for the opportunity, and this happens to be Ashton's.
A young man afflicted by unexplained blackouts, Ashton's character Evan Treborn looks for answers in his lifelong journals, and discovers something extraordinary. The story is similarly compelling in keeping you hooked on each step, and the supporting cast meshes well into the narrative.
Considering all the bad performances Ashton has delivered, and the dwindling scripts tossed his way, this will undoubtedly stand as his finest hour.
The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel (2017)
Incredibly dumb
This overly-praised show is a classic example of the emperor having no clothes. Instead of being witty, clever and entertaining, it's basic, boring and tiresome. The dialog in particular is utterly awful and completely unrealistic. My first time watching this, I had no idea who scripted it but recognized he rapid-fire, annoying exchanges from Gilmore Girls. Sure enough, the same writer/showrunner from that sorry series is featured here!
On the plus side, there are some passable performances (scarcely worth mentioning here), and the videography is vivid, if perhaps oversaturated in that Amazon Prime sorta way. But on the whole, neither of those points is sufficient to make it watchable.
The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City (2020)
As Young MC said, "No fine girls just ugly faces"
There's a "winning" formula in the RH series produced by A. C. Gaylord, which has led to it being duplicated in city after city.
In order of importance:
1. Attractive female cast (to start with, looks change and replacements happen)
2. Contrived relationships
3. Manipulated situations
4. Staged conflicts
The resulting nonsense has drawn a decent share of vegetated viewers. But RHoSLS breaks with convention, and violates rule #1 from the start. The cast is harder on the eyes than a herd of Utah cattle, and not quite as bright. The lead housewife is saggy and sweaty, and the ranks are nearly as swollen as she. Only Whitney Rose managed to break the awful spell cast on these witches.
It's one thing to change the racial, socioeconomic, religious or other makeups of the RH setting, but another thing entirely to cast mostly cringe-worthy leads. Tough watch.
Marriage Killer (2019)
Really dull, totally awful
This dullard film has the lesser London brother and two female leads, both remarkably forgettable and out of their element as sexpots. Keeping this review short so you can get time back that I'll never recover.
Mother! (2017)
Horrible. Stay away.
Interesting start that drops flat on its face and begs to be turned off. Give in to that temptation, you'll thank me later.
American Dreamz (2006)
Terrible excuse for a movie, and poorly executed
There's really no redeeming value to this flimsy film, intended as a satire of Fox's American Idol. The show is tremendously popular, following the least common denominator method of catering to the basest members of society, for whom the show is must-see TV. It's amazing how little amateur musical talent is left out there! Kelly Clarkson is the only contestant who has the vocal power and maturity to really perform at a professional level. Subsequent contestants, even the eventual season winners, have disappointed in a big way. American Dreamz appears to be cast with actors (Mandy Moore, Hugh Grant, Dennis Quaid) that display as much talent as recent Idol cast-offs. Moore is herself a poor musician and mediocre actor, Grant is a talentless Brit who's best quality is making quippy comments with an incoherent accent, and Quaid is best known as a recovering bulimic and B-level actor. Of these top-billed cast members, only Willem Dafoe has distinguished himself as a gifted actor... but you won't find that performance here. Do yourself a favor, and stay away from this colossal waste of your time. Instead, take a look at Dafoe's better turns in Platoon or Clear and Present Danger.