elephant1024 Reviews

Legend of the Seeker (2008–2010)

The story is present, but the spirit is missing.

[5/10 · 3 November 2008]

I haven't read WFR in a long time, so forgive me for any inaccuracies from here on out. WFR is basically a journey to save the world. The Boxes of Orden are in play, and not only does Darken Rahl need to find the Book of Counted Shadows, but also the last Box of Orden. The Book of Counted Shadows exists only in Richard's head, but nobody knows where that last Box is. So basically, it is about two sides, racing to find the last Box before it's too late. Along the way, Richard grows into the true Seeker while his and Kahlan's love for each other slowly develops.

This show makes it seem like the entire story revolves around about prophecy. It isn't about prophecy. This is not the Belgariad. In fact, Richard makes the decision to ignore prophecy, and only by doing so does the correct branch, the correct forks, happen. In fact, the philosophical essence of the series is the exact opposite: free will. Richard exemplifies this free will, while Darken Rahl who wants to snuff it out with the power or Orden is his opposite. And where truth comes in is that only knowing the truth can there be free will. Which is why Richard, as Seeker, one who searches for the truth, is a natural champion of free will.

This is what is fundamentally wrong with the show. This is why, even though the transfer from print to the screen requires changes, the whole thing feels wrong. The wrong changes were made, based on an incorrect premise. The stopping of Darken Rahl isn't important. The destruction of the barriers, the invasion of the Midlands, these are not important. What is important is that Richard is always trying to see the things that are true, and discredit the things that are not in order to exist as he chooses.

As for the changes, I'm fairly certain most of the changes are unnecessary, and done only because whoever's in charge either fundamentally doesn't get it, or is more interested in a cookie-cutter television series than anything actually interesting and thought-provoking. Zed and Richard's lack of a relationship means Richard won't listen to him, will make mistakes, and then will have to quest to fix those mistakes, which is about as tired an adventure plot line as there is. It isn't like Richard doesn't make mistakes in the books, but he's much more rational (Wizard's Sixth Rule: "Let reason be your only sovereign."). Killing Dennee with an arrow instead of what a quad really does is a cop out, to make the D'Haran's disposable. It completely disregards the idea that people follow their leader's ideologies, so that if the leader is a monster, so would the followers be as well. Yes, there's the bit about killing babies, but that changes Darken Rahl. Darken Rahl isn't a psychopath, just a control freak. Making some foot soldier kill George Cypher diminishes the importance of his death (Darken Rahl found out where the Book of Counted Shadows is from the torture), and sets the stage for the typical, hero-does-something-stupid-in-order-to-learn-a-lesson scene. As well, to have Michael Cypher do a 180 makes his fall uninteresting.

Yes, the books are graphic and typically for more mature readers. That doesn't mean they can't be adapted for a more general audience. You don't have to show rape on the screen. Lots of screaming, followed by Kahlan's simple explanation of why quads exist, is all that's really necessary for attentive viewers. And children are not attentive enough to pick up on such subtleties. Yes, sometimes, things have to be cut or sped up. But when the entirety of who Richard is gets distilled to "an orphaned boy of prophecy goes to kill generic evil character," there's something very wrong with that.

In my opinion, the first hour should have started with George Cypher being tortured to death by Darken Rahl, and ended with Richard trailing Kahlan and the quad, possibly in the middle of the short battle that followed. There's nothing like a good torture scene with a dragon (or at least a hint of a dragon) to establish an evil character and draw in the audience, and nothing like a mysterious woman in danger to keep the audience coming back for more. In between, would be the introduction of Richard the woods guide, Michael the politician, Zed the crazy old man, Chase the boundary warden, the quads, and Kahlan's quest.

But alas, they decided to make this some mindless action flick with swords and sorcery and a generic villain. I can't wait to see the treatment they'll be giving Denna and the mord-sith.

Dino-Riders (1988)

Harness the power...

[20 April 2005]

Classic--absolutely classic.

Dinosaurs dressed in full battle gear armed with lasers and missiles. It doesn't get any better than that. OK, so half the show's dinosaurs appeared in the Jurassic period and the other half in the Cretaceous period (and there's the Dimetrodon, which appeared in the Permian period, quite a few million years before the Triassic), the whole thing was a marketing ploy to sell the toys, and the lasers never did anything but annoy the dinosaurs and never hit any of the Valorians or Rulons...ever, but who cares? They're dinosaurs with guns that blow stuff up! It's unfortunate that nobody really remembers it anymore. Everybody's heard of it, and swears they've watched it, and everybody probably has half of all the toys ever produced, but nobody really remembers what the show's about anymore. After all, it ran for only one season, and according to TV Tome, 14 episodes, though I could swear there were at least two or three more.

The short of it is that there were these people being chased by these other people, and both got sent back in time into the era of the dinosaurs. While the good guys wanted to stay and rebuild their civilization, the bad guys wanted to go back to their original time--except that going back required a crystal the good guys had. So, they fight. Here's where things get interesting. Instead of duking it out by themselves, both sides notice the abundance of dinosaurs that are around them, and use them to fight instead. Bristling with weapons, the good- and bad-guy dinosaurs clash upon the battlefield.

All right, my little synopsis doesn't actually do the show any justice. It's a lot less boring to watch. And, in addition to the explosions and fighting, like all good 80's cartoons, there's always a lesson to learn at the end. What it is isn't explicitly stated, and the lesson ranges from obvious to downright philosophical.

The character designs, including the dinosaurs' armaments, are absolutely amazing. Forget that everyone's either obviously the good guy or obviously the bad guy and concentrate on the dinosaurs themselves. The triceratops have a pair of double-cannons mounted on their side that rotates to point up or forward and doubles as armor. The torosaurus are enclosed in a shell that opens up like a peacock to reveal a pair of cannons tucked away inside. Then, there are the flying reptiles, with their weapons mounted on the wings, the dimetrodons whose fin is used to hide an operator who sits in a chair that pops up above the fin to surprise the enemy, and the ankylosaurs, with only a giant crossbow mounted on its back, as its armor gives sufficient protection against laser fire.

Going back to the designs of the real characters, the bad guys (Rulons) are all animals that have a humanoid upright body. Krulos is a frog, Rasp a snake, Hammerhead a fish, and Antor a bug. The good guys are human, all beautiful people, all sporting their own special powers or abilities. Serena is a healer. Mindzye is a telepath. Gunnar's the artillery specialist. Turret does the weapon designs. Lhad is the boy. Pretty much standard fare for the 80's. Even the voices are all big names, especially in the 80's. Lots of GI Joe and Transformers voice actors also did the voices for majors characters in Dino Riders. Some of them are easily recognizable, like Chris Latta who's Rasp, Starscream, and Cobra Commander.

The artwork in the three VHS episodes are absolutely amazing. Lush, vibrant colors, amazing detail everywhere, and there's even one shot that looks like it could have been an oil painting. It isn't so good for the other episodes, where the colors seem faded and everything seems cruder, but there aren't any glaring problems either. Besides, it's the other episodes that introduce all the cool characters (like the commandoes) and dinosaurs.

Regardless, even if the artwork was a bunch of doodling and the voice acting was done by college graduates from another country, the premise remains absolutely amazing. Forget tanks and planes that explode without adequate protection and have to be refueled every so often. Just pop the weapons on a dinosaur and achieve the same functionality without any of the hassle.

I wish I could tell every curious person to watch it for themselves, but except for the occasional ebay item, there isn't a trace of Dino Riders left anywhere. While it's been a long time since they last came out, there are still GI Joe toys, still Transformers, and Masters of the Universe is being revived. Yet, there hasn't even been a legitimate DVD of the shows out. Needless to say, because the show and everything connected to it has been wiped out of existence, there's probably no purpose to writing this review except to glorify what was and what could have become something better than all the other shows of its time.

All in all, its sudden disappearance was never really explained well. Almost overnight, everything disappeared. Toys, tapes, the TV show, lunch boxes--everything. It'd be easy to say that people lost interest and ratings fell, so Tyco cancelled the toys and NBC the show, but I think that unlikely when there isn't a single person I know of from that era who does not at least know the name, if not have several of the toys. The only thing I can think of that would even begin to explain its sudden demise is certain religious influences. But I won't even begin to go there.

Earthsea (2004–2005)

Oh boy.

[1/10 · 16 December 2004]

For the lack of having anything better to do, I decided to plow through all 3 hours of this sorry excuse for television (I know, it's supposed to be 4, but I discounted the ads). I bet I know why they put so much into marketing this so-called "Earthsea miniseries." Things that are great do not need to convince people that they are great. On the other hand, things that aren't do, because if everybody's first impression would be their most lasting, it would not be a good one. So the hype was there to provide this good first impression to buffer what was to come.

Allow me to start with the acting. I've watched student- and home-made movies that have more convincing acting than this. Let's start with the scene when Ged and his father spot this attack on their village. They shout loudly as these soldiers pass beneath them. Then, Ged's father notices the soldiers and says something like, "Go warn the others." Right, so Ged runs off, leaving the father standing there looking at his feet as his son goes off into danger. I couldn't help but laugh.

A scene or two later, these soldiers begin charging a bunch of townsfolk who are simply standing in the middle of the road with something in hand, waiting to be mowed down. The soldiers, charging uphill of course, look like their armor's winding them. I could almost see them huffing and puffing as they reach not a foot away from the mass of villagers. Suddenly, a cloud flys into their face, and even though everybody is only a foot away, they looked like they were taking the opportunity to catch their breath before finishing those last twelve inches.

Cut to a few minutes later after a cheeze chase scene that looked like a crowd had found something strange and was moving cautiously towards it. So this wizard comes along and brings back to life a dead guy in front of a whole town. What do the people do? Stay silent and whisper to each other when the wizard and his newly-reincarnated step aside to talk of course!

Next is the voice acting. For about two hours, I thought the main character's name was Gant or something along those lines. How many ways can Ged be butchered? Watch it and see! Granted, it got better towards the end. But for the first half hour or so, I couldn't make heads or tails over what some of these people were saying. It wasn't as if they were speaking with any emotion either. The voice acting was either flat, forced, or unintelligible. On the bright side, there were a few scenes where it was tolerable, and some where it was actually convincing. If only I could say that about the whole movie...

I don't expect much in terms of cinematography or costumes, sets, props, etc. from a television series like this, so I expected nothing incredible. Of note however, is the mangling of the "CG" in the movie. As somebody else said, replace the CG with clay, and it would have been just as good, if not better. There's this talk about releasing a "shadow," but what it looked like was an imp or some winged demon. If that's a shadow, then so am I.

Now, let me work on the screenplay. Before I get to the story, allow me to say that the dialogue was uninspiring and about as emotionless as the acting. Of course, it would be logical that with bad acting came a bad script, and without question, most of the lines in the script either did not have the emotional impact by using what I call "weak" words and constructions, or simply did not make any sense with regards to what was happening. To give a good example, later on in the "series" (who in their right mind calls a two-part show a "mini-series" anyway?), somebody just finishes saying no upon the pain of death to one person when this character suddenly seems too afraid of dying to reject the next person wanting the same thing. Oops, must have wanted to live after all...

Finally, I've arrived at the good stuff: the storyline. If anybody reading this wants to know how far this storyline has deviated from the books, go to official boards of this movie (quite easy to find actually) and read up on what was changed. I, having not read the books, did not see the movie with such a bias, and thus was not influenced by their contents. And yet, I still have nothing good to say. Let me put it this way, if I took every cliché out of this show, I think all I would have left would be a bunch of clowns talking to each other with only the last syllables of their gibberish loud enough to be heard. So all the clichés with their predictable conclusions have to be put back in before an intelligible line could be uttered. If I wanted to watch brainless drivel like this, I would tune instead to the WB. But even if everything else was perfect, it still wouldn't have been good. It wouldn't be half as bad, granted, but still not yet good either.

For one, there was no sense of time. Echoing what others stated before me, it seemed like the whole thing took place over a series of days. They obviously said something about weeks, but it felt like everything could have happened within the span of one. Without a sense of time, there wasn't even so much as a sense of development and growth in the characters. And so things that were supposed to be emotional, and were acted out as an emotional scene, albeit poorly, undoubtedly invoked a sense of bewilderment instead.

Along the same lines, the storyline was supposed to convey an epic feel. However, it not only fell short, but was missing several key ingredients. First, it felt like one long "monster-of-the-week" television show. The conclusion (after the climax) was about all of two minutes long. For another, many of the loose threads were left hanging. Granted, it largely revolves around one central figure. However, an epic's side characters are nearly as important as its main characters, and they have their own stories, even if it is one never told. Their actions must count. This certainly was a monster-of-the-week show in that people came and went with almost no consequence. Here, they did their thing, interacted with the main character and maybe left a mark upon him (in this case, this was blatantly untrue), and that was that.

Then, there were the plot holes. Forget that this was supposed to be a reference to a larger work. These plot holes were not pieces of the world left out because of time and budget constraints. If this "shadow" wanted to devour its summoner, why did it initially flee? If "Dumbledore" (actually named archmagus in the show) was so powerful, why didn't he just wipe out the attackers while they were at sea? He did say he wanted to prevent the loss of lives. Wait, maybe he couldn't because the evil king was on board one of the ships, and the king needed them to advance the plot. What happened to their staves when Ged was caught? One would think he disappeared them, but that possibility was already ruled out a moment before. Which reminds me, why were they not being chased inside, and why did those inside not hear them when they entered and quickly slammed the door shut? Let me just say that if this was even partially true to the original story, many of these issues would have been thoughtfully resolved one way or another, since they would have been addressed in the original story.

There are moments...every so often, I would catch a glimpse of the real world behind this shadow, the real Earthsea that this work only pays lip service to, and I would wonder how great the world of Earthsea truly is supposed to be. I hear this is supposed to be like a "Starship Troopers," and that gives me hope.

Well, if this movie has done one good thing, it certainly has inspired me through its deficiency and overall suckiness (OK, not a word) to actually go read the books. I would suggest everybody else do the same as well.

Hero (2002)

It could have been better...it could have been worse

[7/10 · 5 December 2004]

When I watched Hero the first time, I left with an overwhelming feeling of disappointment. Hero is, by no means, a great movie. At best, it is mediocre. At worst, it flat out sucked. While all outward appearances would indicate this movie was made to match Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon (which I thought was only a bit better than mediocre as well), it fell far short of its target. It has the production values--great costumes and use of color, amazing cinematography, excellent fight choreography, an all-star cast, a talented director, and all the other makings of a great movie. But none of these things could make up for its greatest flaw. Like all other "westernized" Chinese movies these days (CTHD being the first, Hero, House of Flying Daggers, Warriors of Heaven and Earth, Shaolin Soccer, etc.) the story is sadly found wanting, some more than others. Without doubt, Hero falls into the middle of the pack.

My gripes with Hero's story is its meaningless, meandering nature. Like all other westernized Chinese movies, it was made to make money, to showcase incredible eyecandy and cool fight scenes. But note that every year, dozens of such movies are made in Hong Kong, since Shaw Brothers and the golden age of kung fu movies in the 60's and 70's. Western and westernized audiences will probably find these movies great, but only because they do not know how to tell a diamond from a cubic. Then again, because Chinese culture and history is so great (in terms of size), it may be that western and westernized audiences will not understand what makes a diamond like Once Upon a Time in China a diamond and not a cubic.

Hero takes place during the Qin dynasty near the end of the Warring States period. The Emperor, Qin Shi Huang, was a ruthless tyrant who stopped at nothing to completely conquer all of China. Partly out of fear of what should happen should this emperor defeat the other states, partly because it was the way of things in that day and age, assassins from the other states decided to attempt to assassinate the Qin Emperor. Hero is about the journey of a group of elite assassins in their bid to kill the Qin Emperor.

My disagreement with the political message the PRC government required to be included in the movie before allowing it to be produced aside, I found the story boring and trite. For one, it attempts to redefine the meaning of "hero" by labeling certain characters heroic when they really did not fit into the idea of being a hero, on top of an overused cliché of the hero. In effect, Jet Li and Tony Leung's characters are fake heroes, or ones created and honored only by their enemies--which left me in a state of limbo. Was Jet Li the hero or the anti-hero? Knowing Chinese history, and thus what was to come after the events of the movie, it is difficult to say.

My next comment is that the story doesn't really move. Much of the movie is a flashback, but most of the flashbacks don't really advance anything, except perhaps the intrigue that is supposed to surround the characters. Unfortunately, because of this, it feels as if the plot is moving in circles. While there's nothing wrong with one big circle, Hero seems determined to traverse the same circle several times, each time offering slightly more insight into what happened that the previous traversal did not offer. A whole hour is wasted in the movie doing this.

Finally, while the acting by most of the cast is above par, the movie offers no opportunity to actually relate to them. Thus, the outcome seems trivial and unimportant. Indeed, throughout all of the supposedly emotional scenes, I knew I was supposed to be feeling something for the characters, but there simply was nothing to emotionally grasp. For example, when the character played by Donnie Yen dies early on in the movie while fighting Jet Li, there is supposed to be sadness at his passing, for the character was considered a great hero of his people. Yet, it seemed almost as if the movie shrugged it off. Again, I blame the story for not developing the characters more.

In the end, I must admit that it wasn't ridiculously terrible, and that it is still quite watchable--as much so as CTHD in fact, which may or may not be a good thing. It is merely unfortunate that it does not live up to its hype, or for that matter, its potential. I would have to say that watching one of Jet Li's B-movie, The Evil Cult would be far more entertaining than watching Hero. Even though the story was left hanging for a part two that was never made, the screenplay was adapted well (albeit very loosely) for the 1.5-hour format, and even though some of the characters were introduced late into the movie, they still had far more personality than the characters in Hero.

Flirting Scholar (1993)

Forget Shaolin Soccer. This is slapstick comedy at its finest.

[9/10 · 5 December 2004]

One of the funniest slapstick comedies out there, this movie rivals Royal Tramp and Tricky Brains in its comedic value. This movie absolutely requires knowledge of Chinese history, especially of the main character, Tong Bak Fu. It also requires knowledge of Hong Kong popular culture from the 50's to the 90's. Indeed, this movie references everything that is Chinese, from Tong Bak Fu's scholar friends to the Cantonese dub of Dragonball Z, and everything in between. Of course, without such complete knowledge, what is supposed to be funny is not even mildly amusing, as the comedic element in scenes are often subtle or obscure or both.

Tong Bak Fu is a malcontent scholar of great renown who has eight wives. Somehow, his wives have come to take complete control his life, and he finds himself constantly at their mercy, who do nothing but gamble with each other. His friends too, have become nothing more than an annoyance. Desiring romance, he ventures out to seek true love--and finds himself fallen in love with a servant of a wealthy household. Back in those days, servants, though often socially lower than family, were considered a part of the household and subject to the jurisdiction of the family, especially--in this case--the matriarch. Tong Bak Fu must disguise himself as a peasant and sell his services to the family in order to woo the girl and eventually marry her. With the help of a manservant, he gets in and finally learns the name of the girl--Chou Herng. That of course, is where everything goes wrong.

Stop now if you cannot identify the three places that are blatantly set up for comedy in the above narrative. Now, I don't mean that my rather apathetic introduction is funny in and of itself, but rather that at least three of the things I've described have the potential to develop into a very funny scene. If you can find all three places exhibiting the potential for comedy this movie will be absolutely hilarious. If you can find two, this movie might be pretty funny, but nothing special. If you can find one, don't expect too much. If you cannot find any, then move along--this movie isn't for you.

Shark Tale (2004)

Bah

[5/10 · 3 November 2004]

Do not be fooled by the CG animation. Everybody thinks because a movie is animated by a computer, it's good. Thus far, most of Pixar's and Dreamworks' CG movies have had great successes in the box offices. And those movies that were smash hits, as they say, deserved to be. They were funny, entertaining, creative, novel, enjoyable, and always original. Shark Tale is grossing $147 million as I write this, but it has none of the qualities that made the previous CG movies great. Sure, it has its funny moments, but most of the humor is largely clichéd and overused. I suppose one could argue that most of the clichés are supposed to be parodies of ghetto and mafia movies. But if that was true, then the movie fails in its execution of the parody, which is merely a better way of saying the same thing.

Shark Tale is in essence the mob meets the ghetto. It includes the well-overused themes of being different, wanting wealth and fame only to lose the self, lying to achieve that wealth and fame, girl loves boy but boy doesn't realize it, etc. Put it all behind some spectacular underwater animation and throw some famous names into the mix as the voices, and you have the whole movie. Best part is, you know exactly what is going to happen in the end at around 10 minutes into the movie.

What irked me greatly throughout the entire movie was the inaccuracy of underwater life. Rather than a movie about fish, Shark Tale was more like a movie about humans, but hidden behind figures of fish. The setting could have been on the surface, and the characters live-action, and the movie would have been exactly the same. Well, except for a few bits of comedy here and there, the underwater setting was completely irrelevant. Now, if the characters are essentially humans, how accurate would the biological aspects of the characters be? Oscar doesn't even move like a fish. He has eyebrows and wears bling bling.

But that was merely something that irked me. The story made me think I had wasted my time. I was going to put that there were spoilers here, but I don't think there's anything to spoil. After all, this isn't a deep movie in any way, and we all know what happens in the typical cliché movie about a guy who strikes it rich through a lie. We also know what happens when somebody who likes that person is introduced into the storyline. Add your typical "different" theme (a homosexual among the homophobic is my favorite example) sprinkled with mafia references throughout, and that's the entire story.

As I mentioned above, this is supposed to be a comedy. Most people would call it an adult comedy, though there's no cursing (poopy-head, I think, was the worst it got). More accurately, it is a children's ghetto comedy. I don't have anything against black comedies per se, but to me, they're all the same, with the same overused humor, the same themes, and the same, predictable endings. This movie is exactly that. Basically, if this movie was released during any other time of the year, it would have probably done marginally better than Soul Plane, and only because it was computer animated rather than live action.

There are several redeeming qualities. For example, the obscure references here and there are interesting. The comedy that actually involves fish can be funny at times. The technical aspects, including the graphics, are particularly notable. The voicing was done well. But these are nothing in terms of what makes a movie good compared to the story. After all, movies are supposed to tell a story, and if the story a movie tells is bad, then the movie can't be too much better.

Keep your money for The Incredibles, and go to a bowling alley to hang out instead.