Astronauts who are stupid and don't know science, and events are implausible even by Scifi standards. The movie is also amateurish, slow, and completely pointless since it ends with the words "to be continued." Look up the definition of "shaggy dog story" and you'll find an excellent description of this movie.
Reviews
18 Reviews
Anatomy of a Murder
(1959)
A disappointing reunion
21 May 2008
I watched Anatomy of a Murder last night on TCM, expecting to renew the acquaintance of a movie I had seen many years in the past. The reunion was not a happy one, however, and I found myself disappointed at almost every turn.
The first jarring note (pun intended), came with the Duke Ellington score, which seemed nothing more than an excuse to lay some jazz on the soundtrack without any relation to what was taking place on screen. Time and again these cacophonous cues jolted me out of the movie completely exactly the opposite effect to be sought by a music score. Contrast this with the excellent jazz scores by Elmer Bernstein, such as "Walk on the Wild Side," which effectively set the mood and draw the viewer into the drama.
The acting was occasionally problematic, most particularly the courtroom histrionics of the normally reliable James Stewart. Why was he yelling so much? I am reminded of an old legal adage: "If you don't have good facts, pound the law. If you don't have good facts or good law, pound the table." Here, however, he had good facts and good law, and no need to be constantly "pounding the table." No doubt this excess zeal can be laid at the doorstep of director Preminger, as can the over-the-top spectator reactions in the courtroom, and the numerous close-ups of George C. Scott, who looked as though he was about to stab someone with his nose. The judge read his lines (it would be an exaggeration to say he played his part) with the passion of a bronze statue, and the prosecutor was played so weak as to leave you wondering how he ever got his job in the first place. Finally, there was the treacly performance of Arthur O'Connell as the alcoholic lawyer reformed by the faith of his friends. That subplot had all the originality of, say, a hooker with a heart of gold. Against these negatives, however, it is only fair to point out the solid performances delivered by Gazarra, Remick, Scott and Arden.
Anatomy was made in 1959, adapted from a bestselling book published the previous year, and if memory serves (yes, sadly I am that old) on its release it was viewed as risqué and shocking. Watching it last night, I wondered what all the excitement had been about. The legal issues were anticlimactic and the courtroom sequences were unconvincing and utterly lacking in suspense. It's not so much that this is a bad movie (it isn't), but that stripped of its shock value, it merely whimpers where it should bang.
The sad fact is that time has passed it by. For example, in the movie, it was considered scandalous that Lee Remick failed to wear a girdle when going to a bar. Can you imagine? Not wearing a girdle? The fact is that most people alive today have never seen a girdle, and many probably don't even know what they are. Or take the conference at the bench where the three attorneys and the judge struggle unsuccessfully to find a synonym for the word "panties" to keep the word from titillating the spectators, as it eventually does when they are unsuccessful. Or the scene where attorney Stewart cross-examines a witness regarding terms used to describe a "womanizing" man. When the witness responds "masher" Stewart ridicules him suggesting that word to be utterly passé. "Have you ever heard the term wolf?" he asks the witness. Boy, now there's a cutting-edge term.
Watch it for a period piece if you want. Otherwise, this movie simply doesn't pack enough punch or deliver sufficient payoff to justify its 160 minute running time.
The first jarring note (pun intended), came with the Duke Ellington score, which seemed nothing more than an excuse to lay some jazz on the soundtrack without any relation to what was taking place on screen. Time and again these cacophonous cues jolted me out of the movie completely exactly the opposite effect to be sought by a music score. Contrast this with the excellent jazz scores by Elmer Bernstein, such as "Walk on the Wild Side," which effectively set the mood and draw the viewer into the drama.
The acting was occasionally problematic, most particularly the courtroom histrionics of the normally reliable James Stewart. Why was he yelling so much? I am reminded of an old legal adage: "If you don't have good facts, pound the law. If you don't have good facts or good law, pound the table." Here, however, he had good facts and good law, and no need to be constantly "pounding the table." No doubt this excess zeal can be laid at the doorstep of director Preminger, as can the over-the-top spectator reactions in the courtroom, and the numerous close-ups of George C. Scott, who looked as though he was about to stab someone with his nose. The judge read his lines (it would be an exaggeration to say he played his part) with the passion of a bronze statue, and the prosecutor was played so weak as to leave you wondering how he ever got his job in the first place. Finally, there was the treacly performance of Arthur O'Connell as the alcoholic lawyer reformed by the faith of his friends. That subplot had all the originality of, say, a hooker with a heart of gold. Against these negatives, however, it is only fair to point out the solid performances delivered by Gazarra, Remick, Scott and Arden.
Anatomy was made in 1959, adapted from a bestselling book published the previous year, and if memory serves (yes, sadly I am that old) on its release it was viewed as risqué and shocking. Watching it last night, I wondered what all the excitement had been about. The legal issues were anticlimactic and the courtroom sequences were unconvincing and utterly lacking in suspense. It's not so much that this is a bad movie (it isn't), but that stripped of its shock value, it merely whimpers where it should bang.
The sad fact is that time has passed it by. For example, in the movie, it was considered scandalous that Lee Remick failed to wear a girdle when going to a bar. Can you imagine? Not wearing a girdle? The fact is that most people alive today have never seen a girdle, and many probably don't even know what they are. Or take the conference at the bench where the three attorneys and the judge struggle unsuccessfully to find a synonym for the word "panties" to keep the word from titillating the spectators, as it eventually does when they are unsuccessful. Or the scene where attorney Stewart cross-examines a witness regarding terms used to describe a "womanizing" man. When the witness responds "masher" Stewart ridicules him suggesting that word to be utterly passé. "Have you ever heard the term wolf?" he asks the witness. Boy, now there's a cutting-edge term.
Watch it for a period piece if you want. Otherwise, this movie simply doesn't pack enough punch or deliver sufficient payoff to justify its 160 minute running time.
Angelitos negros
(1948)
Get the song and skip the movie
4 February 2008
Sorry, but this one didn't make the grade. The plot was very contrived, and it seemed as though things happened just to keep it from ending before its running time was up.
However, the biggest problem I had was with the father continually calling his own daughter such things as "tar baby", "soot ball", and his "lump of coal." While these may have passed as terms of endearment in the 1940s, they lend the movie a racist tone which makes it hard to watch in the twenty-first century. I understand that the movie was trying to be anti-racist, but the father was supposed to be the non-racist good character. What kind of a message does this send?
About the only plus to this movie was the wonderful title song Angelitos Negros sung toward the end. You don't have to endure the movie to hear the song, though, since it has been recorded a number of times. My personal favorite is the Roberta Flack version, which is overwhelming.
However, the biggest problem I had was with the father continually calling his own daughter such things as "tar baby", "soot ball", and his "lump of coal." While these may have passed as terms of endearment in the 1940s, they lend the movie a racist tone which makes it hard to watch in the twenty-first century. I understand that the movie was trying to be anti-racist, but the father was supposed to be the non-racist good character. What kind of a message does this send?
About the only plus to this movie was the wonderful title song Angelitos Negros sung toward the end. You don't have to endure the movie to hear the song, though, since it has been recorded a number of times. My personal favorite is the Roberta Flack version, which is overwhelming.
Incognito
(1997)
Fails to Deliver
24 November 2007
Warning: Spoilers
This movie has art forgery, romance and evasion from the law. It is the type of movie that I should like, but after a promising start, it fails to deliver very well on any of the themes.
The forgery aspect is handled fairly well, although the writers seem not to have heard of diffraction spectroscopy or any of the other post-xray methods in use which would probably have detected the forgery without difficulty. This is the sort of oversight one could forgive if the other story elements were handled better. As Cecil B. DeMille once observed when a plot hole was pointed out to him, nobody will notice if you keep the movie going, because "you can't see the teeth on a buzzsaw." That is only true, however, when the saw is turned on and the teeth are in motion.
In this film, the romance never feels right, and only serves to slow down the action. And when the buzzsaw is stopped, you can see the teeth.
Similarly, the evasion segments amount to little more than darting out of windows and ducking into alleyways. Never very credible, it finally leads to a courtroom sequence which is pure rubbish, and a fairytale conclusion which would have embarrassed Walt Disney.
I wanted to like this movie, and I tried to like it. Unfortunately, it failed to help me.
The forgery aspect is handled fairly well, although the writers seem not to have heard of diffraction spectroscopy or any of the other post-xray methods in use which would probably have detected the forgery without difficulty. This is the sort of oversight one could forgive if the other story elements were handled better. As Cecil B. DeMille once observed when a plot hole was pointed out to him, nobody will notice if you keep the movie going, because "you can't see the teeth on a buzzsaw." That is only true, however, when the saw is turned on and the teeth are in motion.
In this film, the romance never feels right, and only serves to slow down the action. And when the buzzsaw is stopped, you can see the teeth.
Similarly, the evasion segments amount to little more than darting out of windows and ducking into alleyways. Never very credible, it finally leads to a courtroom sequence which is pure rubbish, and a fairytale conclusion which would have embarrassed Walt Disney.
I wanted to like this movie, and I tried to like it. Unfortunately, it failed to help me.
Lost in Space
(1998)
Read This Before Watching This Movie!!!!
15 September 2007
Do not waste your time on this dreck.
If you feel the urge to watch this movie, go mow the lawn, clean the garage, and if necessary, take your girlfriend to the opera. Any or all of those will be more rewarding, and far less painful. If you still feel the urge to watch it, lick your finger and stick it into a live socket. The deadly urge to watch Lost in Space must be defeated at all costs.
I sacrificed two precious hours of my life on this cow-pie, finishing the movie only so I would have the credibility to warn others against making the same mistake. Please do not watch this movie, or my sacrifice will have been in vain.
If you feel the urge to watch this movie, go mow the lawn, clean the garage, and if necessary, take your girlfriend to the opera. Any or all of those will be more rewarding, and far less painful. If you still feel the urge to watch it, lick your finger and stick it into a live socket. The deadly urge to watch Lost in Space must be defeated at all costs.
I sacrificed two precious hours of my life on this cow-pie, finishing the movie only so I would have the credibility to warn others against making the same mistake. Please do not watch this movie, or my sacrifice will have been in vain.
The Looking Glass War
(1970)
I Really Got Sucked In
11 September 2007
No, the movie didn't suck me in. I got sucked into watching it by some highly favorable comments. I should have paid more attention to the ratings.
If you want to watch LeCarre, there are much better examples than this. The pacing is completely off in this movie; as soon as something interesting starts, it is truncated for irrelevant meanderings. Apparently the director wanted to make this a "mood piece" rather than an action movie, and as a result, it never develops any momentum or suspense.
On balance, this is just a somewhat disappointing period piece. Watchable, but nothing more.
If you want to watch LeCarre, there are much better examples than this. The pacing is completely off in this movie; as soon as something interesting starts, it is truncated for irrelevant meanderings. Apparently the director wanted to make this a "mood piece" rather than an action movie, and as a result, it never develops any momentum or suspense.
On balance, this is just a somewhat disappointing period piece. Watchable, but nothing more.
The Preacher's Wife
(1996)
Barely Watchable
27 July 2007
Let me state up front that I am a fan of both Denzel Washington and Whitney Houston. I am not, however, a fan of this movie.
The script is a complete mess; this movie doesn't know what it wants to be or wants to do. None of the leads is particularly credible in his or her roles. The story is not funny enough to be a comedy, nor compelling enough to be a drama. Another problem, and a big one, is the constant lead-ins to Whitney Houston musical numbers that don't really fit the story.
I didn't find this movie very entertaining, and frankly, there were a couple of times I surfed away looking for something better.
The script is a complete mess; this movie doesn't know what it wants to be or wants to do. None of the leads is particularly credible in his or her roles. The story is not funny enough to be a comedy, nor compelling enough to be a drama. Another problem, and a big one, is the constant lead-ins to Whitney Houston musical numbers that don't really fit the story.
I didn't find this movie very entertaining, and frankly, there were a couple of times I surfed away looking for something better.
The Quiet American
(1958)
Disappointing version of a good story
23 June 2007
Warning: Spoilers
The Quiet American suffers from several defects which have been pointed out in various posts and reviews to both the 1958 and 2002 versions. A summary of the major ones follows.
First, the casting of a European actress as Phuong was deadly. Every time she came on camera, I winced. The fact that Phuong, and her Asian upbringing and character, are central to the plot only served to highlight the fact that this woman did not look, act or sound Asian in the least. Think of casting Sylvester Stallone for the lead in "Ali." Second, Audie Murphy was not up to the role. Murphy's acting credentials were not strong, but in the right spots he was capable of being effective. Here, however, Murphy spouts the dialog in much the same manner as a grade-school child reciting poetry they don't really comprehend. By god, he's memorized every word of it, and it is going to come out.
Third, and most egregious, are the liberties taken with the plot. Apparently because of the political pressures permeating the industry at this time, the decision was made to make Murphy's death a Communist plot. It is never explained why the Communists would have gone to such great lengths to kill someone who could have just been laughed off, and who was being kicked out of Indochina in any event. Regardless, this choice had the effect of stripping both male leads of any complexity or richness of character. Murphy comes across as a overage boy scout of almost unbelievable naivety. Fowler assists with the Communist plot clearly to eliminate his rival for Phuong, and not to save Vietnamese lives. Denuded of any moral ambiguity, he is merely pathetic.
I had expected more in a Mankiewicz movie, but apparently I failed to take into account the political climate during which it was made. Watch this movie as a curiosity, but for entertainment, see the 2002 version, or better yet, read the book.
First, the casting of a European actress as Phuong was deadly. Every time she came on camera, I winced. The fact that Phuong, and her Asian upbringing and character, are central to the plot only served to highlight the fact that this woman did not look, act or sound Asian in the least. Think of casting Sylvester Stallone for the lead in "Ali." Second, Audie Murphy was not up to the role. Murphy's acting credentials were not strong, but in the right spots he was capable of being effective. Here, however, Murphy spouts the dialog in much the same manner as a grade-school child reciting poetry they don't really comprehend. By god, he's memorized every word of it, and it is going to come out.
Third, and most egregious, are the liberties taken with the plot. Apparently because of the political pressures permeating the industry at this time, the decision was made to make Murphy's death a Communist plot. It is never explained why the Communists would have gone to such great lengths to kill someone who could have just been laughed off, and who was being kicked out of Indochina in any event. Regardless, this choice had the effect of stripping both male leads of any complexity or richness of character. Murphy comes across as a overage boy scout of almost unbelievable naivety. Fowler assists with the Communist plot clearly to eliminate his rival for Phuong, and not to save Vietnamese lives. Denuded of any moral ambiguity, he is merely pathetic.
I had expected more in a Mankiewicz movie, but apparently I failed to take into account the political climate during which it was made. Watch this movie as a curiosity, but for entertainment, see the 2002 version, or better yet, read the book.
Long Way Round
(2004–2010)
Very Disappointed
18 April 2007
A staged travelogue with, and about, two overgrown adolescents supposedly riding motorcycles from London to New York.
This series goes to show two men can do anything, as long as they have sponsors to donate tens of thousands of dollars worth of equipment including new BMW bikes, trainers and advisers, a staff of numerous people to do the dirty work of getting visas and making arrangements, and several "support vehicles" to bail them out of any real difficulties. This was billed as a road trip, but in the end, it winds up being little more than an ego trip.
As entertainment, the series is padded with irrelevant footage, presumably because they had to guarantee a certain run-time minimum to get the project sponsored.
Rather than waste your time on this, take your own bike out for a spin.
This series goes to show two men can do anything, as long as they have sponsors to donate tens of thousands of dollars worth of equipment including new BMW bikes, trainers and advisers, a staff of numerous people to do the dirty work of getting visas and making arrangements, and several "support vehicles" to bail them out of any real difficulties. This was billed as a road trip, but in the end, it winds up being little more than an ego trip.
As entertainment, the series is padded with irrelevant footage, presumably because they had to guarantee a certain run-time minimum to get the project sponsored.
Rather than waste your time on this, take your own bike out for a spin.
Dark Waters
(1993)
Couldn't Bond With It
29 October 2006
Judging from the other comments, this is one of those films that you either hate or love. Unfortunately, I didn't love it, though I don't seem to have disliked it as much as the "haters." Some of the movie was well done. The cinematography ranged from okay to excellent, particularly with images such as the nuns on the hilltop, and the bus going down a road with telephone poles looking like a trail of crosses. From the standpoint of imagery and atmosphere, the film was quite good.
But then there was the story. Or rather, where was the story? I was never able to really figure out what was going on, or how the pieces fit together. Moreover, the job of trying to decipher a plot was made much more difficult by a sound track that was loud and distracting. Although it wasn't a long movie chronologically, it seemed endless during the viewing.
Of the four stars I gave it, three were for technical achievement and one was for the story.
But then there was the story. Or rather, where was the story? I was never able to really figure out what was going on, or how the pieces fit together. Moreover, the job of trying to decipher a plot was made much more difficult by a sound track that was loud and distracting. Although it wasn't a long movie chronologically, it seemed endless during the viewing.
Of the four stars I gave it, three were for technical achievement and one was for the story.
Jim Gaffigan: Beyond the Pale
(2006 TV Special)
Didn't Get It
27 September 2006
Jim Gaffigan is the kind of comic you'll either find hilarious, or totally boring. Unfortunately, I am in the latter group.
After reading the other comments, I couldn't wait to see this program. However, after listening to Gaffigan talk about his eating disorders for half an hour, I couldn't wait for it to finish. In truth, I didn't wait for it to finish. Having cracked but a single smile during the first half of the program, I turned it off and went to brush my teeth, which turned out to be vastly more entertaining.
Please understand that I am not criticizing the positive comments of others. It's just that I guess comedy is a very personal thing.
For my money, "Death of a Salesman" was funnier than this program.
After reading the other comments, I couldn't wait to see this program. However, after listening to Gaffigan talk about his eating disorders for half an hour, I couldn't wait for it to finish. In truth, I didn't wait for it to finish. Having cracked but a single smile during the first half of the program, I turned it off and went to brush my teeth, which turned out to be vastly more entertaining.
Please understand that I am not criticizing the positive comments of others. It's just that I guess comedy is a very personal thing.
For my money, "Death of a Salesman" was funnier than this program.
Memoirs of a Geisha
(2005)
Disappointing
10 July 2006
Warning: Spoilers
When I was young, I saw "The Sailor Who Fell From Grace With The Sea," and I remember thinking that the movie seemed more Asian than English in theme. Only later did I discover that it was actually written by Yukio Mishima, and was, indeed, purely Asian as originally conceived.
Watching "Memoirs of a Geisha" last night, I was nagged by the opposite thought, i.e., that although this movie was set in Japan, it was thematically more aligned to the West. Even the geisha makeup seemed softened to western tastes, with the eyes and mouth accented in a very un-Japanese manner, and the amount of white face powder greatly reduced. Picture sort of a Noh version of a Charles Dickens story, or more appropriately, a Harlequin Romance.
For make no doubt about it, this is a chick flick, containing catty women scheming against each other, improbable love triangles, women seeking inner fulfillment and wallowing in self-pity when their dreams appear to be out of reach, and just incidentally, a plot hole you could push a cow through sideways.
Regarding this last comment (and here comes a spoiler), Sayuri is chagrined when Pumpkin brings the Chairman, rather than Nobu, to her dalliance with the American colonel. Since the Chairman and Nobu are partners, did she think the Chairman wouldn't hear about it from Nobu? In point of fact, Nobu certainly heard about it from some third party. So how did Sayuri think she could be appear a slut to Nobu while still remaining pure to the Chairman? It makes no sense at all, and appears to be merely a plot contrivance to get the characters where the screenwriter wants them for the even more improbable climax (which should have been omitted entirely).
Adding to the problems is a pacing which just plods along. I found myself looking at my watch a number of times, wondering if anything would ever happen, or for that matter, if the movie would ever end.
Why, then, do I give the movie six stars? Well, two are for the photography, which is superb throughout, and one is for John William's score, which while it is not terribly Japanese, is nevertheless effective. That leaves just three stars for the story.
On balance, there are better ways to spend an evening.
Watching "Memoirs of a Geisha" last night, I was nagged by the opposite thought, i.e., that although this movie was set in Japan, it was thematically more aligned to the West. Even the geisha makeup seemed softened to western tastes, with the eyes and mouth accented in a very un-Japanese manner, and the amount of white face powder greatly reduced. Picture sort of a Noh version of a Charles Dickens story, or more appropriately, a Harlequin Romance.
For make no doubt about it, this is a chick flick, containing catty women scheming against each other, improbable love triangles, women seeking inner fulfillment and wallowing in self-pity when their dreams appear to be out of reach, and just incidentally, a plot hole you could push a cow through sideways.
Regarding this last comment (and here comes a spoiler), Sayuri is chagrined when Pumpkin brings the Chairman, rather than Nobu, to her dalliance with the American colonel. Since the Chairman and Nobu are partners, did she think the Chairman wouldn't hear about it from Nobu? In point of fact, Nobu certainly heard about it from some third party. So how did Sayuri think she could be appear a slut to Nobu while still remaining pure to the Chairman? It makes no sense at all, and appears to be merely a plot contrivance to get the characters where the screenwriter wants them for the even more improbable climax (which should have been omitted entirely).
Adding to the problems is a pacing which just plods along. I found myself looking at my watch a number of times, wondering if anything would ever happen, or for that matter, if the movie would ever end.
Why, then, do I give the movie six stars? Well, two are for the photography, which is superb throughout, and one is for John William's score, which while it is not terribly Japanese, is nevertheless effective. That leaves just three stars for the story.
On balance, there are better ways to spend an evening.
Son of the Mask
(2005)
Making this movie was a sin
29 June 2006
Loki, Norse god of mischief, creates a mask that endows the wearer with cartoon-like powers. At the command of his father, Odin, he spends the rest of the movie looking for the mask so that it can cause no further grief to mankind. In the meantime, the possessor of the mask conceives a child who inherits the powers of the mask. Etc. etc. If this sounds like a pretty thin plot line, it is. Add to this the fact that the movie is handled ineptly from start to finish, and the result is very, very bad. You can find worse movies, but you'll have to actively search for them.
For the most part, Son of the Mask is presented at the intellectual level of a pre-schooler, but in light of scenes such as the mask-baby urinating copiously in six different directions, including on his father, this premise seems unlikely. I asked my son who he thought might have been the target audience for the movie, and he responded "Convicted felons," apparently forgetting for the moment that the Constitution prohibits cruel and unusual punishment.
But just making a bad movie is not a sin, or Hell would be overflowing. What makes it a sin is that $72 million was spent on this piece of garbage. To put things in perspective, the day after we watched Son of the Mask, my son and I watched "Good Night, and Good Luck," a movie that garnered six academy award nominations (including best picture), and was brought in for $7 million. That's right. Just one-tenth of the amount of money spent on Son of the Mask. This, then is the sin -- to flush good money down the sewer, when it could have been better used in making watchable movies, or feeding starving children, or for that matter, almost any other purpose. The producers should truly be ashamed of themselves.
For the most part, Son of the Mask is presented at the intellectual level of a pre-schooler, but in light of scenes such as the mask-baby urinating copiously in six different directions, including on his father, this premise seems unlikely. I asked my son who he thought might have been the target audience for the movie, and he responded "Convicted felons," apparently forgetting for the moment that the Constitution prohibits cruel and unusual punishment.
But just making a bad movie is not a sin, or Hell would be overflowing. What makes it a sin is that $72 million was spent on this piece of garbage. To put things in perspective, the day after we watched Son of the Mask, my son and I watched "Good Night, and Good Luck," a movie that garnered six academy award nominations (including best picture), and was brought in for $7 million. That's right. Just one-tenth of the amount of money spent on Son of the Mask. This, then is the sin -- to flush good money down the sewer, when it could have been better used in making watchable movies, or feeding starving children, or for that matter, almost any other purpose. The producers should truly be ashamed of themselves.
Alone in the Dark
(2005)
Not as bad as its reputation
25 June 2006
By no means a good movie, but not nearly as bad as I was led to expect by the rating. My son and I watched it during a "bad movie" binge, and were disappointed to find it almost watchable on the merits.
"Alone in the Dark" starts out with the semblance of a plot, though this gets lost about halfway through, at which point the movie degenerates into a sort of mindless CGI shoot-out. The production values aren't bad, but self-conscious direction tends to prevent the viewer from being pulled into the story. If you think about it, however, these same generalizations could be made about a lot of movies, some of which have achieved substantial commercial and critical success.
My rating may be a little generous (3.5 would be a closer value) but I have seen a lot of movies that were worse, and a number that were much worse.
"Alone in the Dark" starts out with the semblance of a plot, though this gets lost about halfway through, at which point the movie degenerates into a sort of mindless CGI shoot-out. The production values aren't bad, but self-conscious direction tends to prevent the viewer from being pulled into the story. If you think about it, however, these same generalizations could be made about a lot of movies, some of which have achieved substantial commercial and critical success.
My rating may be a little generous (3.5 would be a closer value) but I have seen a lot of movies that were worse, and a number that were much worse.
Alien from L.A.
(1988)
How bad can a movie really get?
26 February 2006
Warning: Spoilers
Back in the 1960's, those of us who were bad movie aficionados thought that "Plan Nine From Outer Space" was the worst movie ever made, and would remain so for all time. To put things in perspective, though, we also thought that $3,000 was a lot to pay for a new car.
As we grew older, our innocence was gradually stripped away as we were exposed to movies like "Hercules in New York" and "Overdrawn at the Memory Bank," which completely redefined the "bad movie" genre. In this context, last night, my son and I saw "Alien From L.A.," which pushed the envelope to an extreme unimaginable just a generation ago. To call this movie "bad" (or wretched or execrable) completely fails to do it justice, as does any other label existent in the English language. Even if there were words with which to accurately describe this movie, it would be of no consequence, since they would be banned in civilized society.
The Alien referred to in the title is played by Kathy Ireland, who apparently took some time off from modeling swimsuits for Sports Illustrated, to kick off her cinematic career. Her casting might seem some sort of recommendation, until you actually see the movie. The makeup artists earned their money by making Kathy look so drab and unappetizing you would not want to touch her with the far end of a broomstick -- no mean feat. To put it bluntly, in this movie she has a face that would freeze Medusa. Even worse than her look, though, was her voice, which was so raucous that I initially failed to credit it as originating with a human being. Throughout the movie, I found myself longing for a chalkboard to drag my nails across to cover the screechy twang of her dialog. At the end of the movie, Kathy finally gets a makeover and finds herself in her beloved swimsuit. I suggested to my son that the movie would have been better if they had put her in the swimsuit at the beginning of the movie, so at least we would have had something to watch. My son perceptively pointed out that if they had then removed the swimsuit and stuffed it into her mouth, it would have considerably improved the movie on two counts. I defer to the plain brilliance of his observation. If you have any doubts, compare this dreck to "Barbarella," in which a competent filmmaker shows how to exploit the assets of an ethereally beautiful leading lady in the fantasy genre.
Of the plot, itself, there is little on which to comment, since there was so little in evidence. It is said that if a million monkeys typed unceasingly for millions of years, eventually one would come up with "Hamlet." By the process of elimination, the rest of the time they would come up with something approximating this screenplay. Imagine, if you will, a modern-day Alice falling into a hole and dropping 500 feet onto a rock slab, following which she gets up, dusts herself off, and starts looking for her long-lost father in the city-kingdom of Atlantis. Once in Atlantis, she spends most of her time running, fighting, or climbing stairs and ladders, and basically trying to keep out of the hands of a general who seems to have no soldiers to do his bidding, and who would make Tiny Tim look macho. This summation, as abbreviated as it appears, is probably longer than the shooting script.
On the plus side, as you revel in the production values and take in whatever you can of the sets and costumes through the smoke and haze, you realize that this is one movie in which you can actually see on the screen where all $20 of the budget went.
The thought that kept going through my mind was that filmmakers ought not be given access to drugs and alcohol while they are shooting a movie, or perhaps prior, if it leads to results like "Alien from L.A.," though in fairness I have to acknowledge that I don't know whether they were actually involved in substance abuse, or were simply brain dead at the outset of the project.
As we grew older, our innocence was gradually stripped away as we were exposed to movies like "Hercules in New York" and "Overdrawn at the Memory Bank," which completely redefined the "bad movie" genre. In this context, last night, my son and I saw "Alien From L.A.," which pushed the envelope to an extreme unimaginable just a generation ago. To call this movie "bad" (or wretched or execrable) completely fails to do it justice, as does any other label existent in the English language. Even if there were words with which to accurately describe this movie, it would be of no consequence, since they would be banned in civilized society.
The Alien referred to in the title is played by Kathy Ireland, who apparently took some time off from modeling swimsuits for Sports Illustrated, to kick off her cinematic career. Her casting might seem some sort of recommendation, until you actually see the movie. The makeup artists earned their money by making Kathy look so drab and unappetizing you would not want to touch her with the far end of a broomstick -- no mean feat. To put it bluntly, in this movie she has a face that would freeze Medusa. Even worse than her look, though, was her voice, which was so raucous that I initially failed to credit it as originating with a human being. Throughout the movie, I found myself longing for a chalkboard to drag my nails across to cover the screechy twang of her dialog. At the end of the movie, Kathy finally gets a makeover and finds herself in her beloved swimsuit. I suggested to my son that the movie would have been better if they had put her in the swimsuit at the beginning of the movie, so at least we would have had something to watch. My son perceptively pointed out that if they had then removed the swimsuit and stuffed it into her mouth, it would have considerably improved the movie on two counts. I defer to the plain brilliance of his observation. If you have any doubts, compare this dreck to "Barbarella," in which a competent filmmaker shows how to exploit the assets of an ethereally beautiful leading lady in the fantasy genre.
Of the plot, itself, there is little on which to comment, since there was so little in evidence. It is said that if a million monkeys typed unceasingly for millions of years, eventually one would come up with "Hamlet." By the process of elimination, the rest of the time they would come up with something approximating this screenplay. Imagine, if you will, a modern-day Alice falling into a hole and dropping 500 feet onto a rock slab, following which she gets up, dusts herself off, and starts looking for her long-lost father in the city-kingdom of Atlantis. Once in Atlantis, she spends most of her time running, fighting, or climbing stairs and ladders, and basically trying to keep out of the hands of a general who seems to have no soldiers to do his bidding, and who would make Tiny Tim look macho. This summation, as abbreviated as it appears, is probably longer than the shooting script.
On the plus side, as you revel in the production values and take in whatever you can of the sets and costumes through the smoke and haze, you realize that this is one movie in which you can actually see on the screen where all $20 of the budget went.
The thought that kept going through my mind was that filmmakers ought not be given access to drugs and alcohol while they are shooting a movie, or perhaps prior, if it leads to results like "Alien from L.A.," though in fairness I have to acknowledge that I don't know whether they were actually involved in substance abuse, or were simply brain dead at the outset of the project.
Battle Royale
(2000)
10 Rules for Survival
12 April 2005
Warning: Spoilers
Having just seen the movie Battle Royale, I have come up with a few rules for survival that 9th grade Japanese students might find useful:
1. If your class goes on a field trip requiring a bus ride, carry a gas mask. If there is room in you pack, you might also bring along some extra blood plasma, which will come in handy if you can't get off the bus using the gas mask.
2. Don't shout at your teacher. Remember that all 9th grade teachers are able to hit a moving student between the eyes at 20 paces with a throwing knife.
3. If you wind up on the Island, pick the heavy survival bag. One of the bags will have an automatic submachine gun, along with about 2000 rounds of ammunition. Figuring 1.5 ounces per round, the ammunition will weigh 187 pounds. Along with the extra clips, gun and food, the bag will weigh about 210 pounds. Just watch for the bag it takes three soldiers to carry in, and claim it as yours.
4. If you don't wind up with the submachine gun, keep whatever weapon they issue you. Even if it is nothing more than an ebony swizzle stick, there will come a point during the campaign where nothing but an ebony swizzle stick can save your life.
5. If you manage to overcome someone with a gun, pick up the gun before you leave. Duh.
6. If you get shot, play dead. It takes at least 20 direct hits to kill anyone, so if you lie still, your attacker may move on and look for new conquests. Just make sure he or she has left before you get up and start shouting about your brilliance.
7. If your weapon is nail clippers, and you see the person with the submachine gun, don't charge. Look for a deep hole.
8. Avoid even inconspicuous buildings such as lighthouses. For some reason, people seem to congregate in them just before going berserk.
9. As soon as possible, take a course in computer hacking, so you can turn off your death necklace and crash the adults' monitoring system. Don't worry, despite its having been evacuated, there will be computers with internet capability readily available on the island.
10. Take a course in maritime navigation so you will know how to pilot the yacht, unattended but fully provisioned, which you will find waiting for you on the island. When you get on the yacht, set your course to Hawaii, not back to Japan where you will be wanted for murder.
1. If your class goes on a field trip requiring a bus ride, carry a gas mask. If there is room in you pack, you might also bring along some extra blood plasma, which will come in handy if you can't get off the bus using the gas mask.
2. Don't shout at your teacher. Remember that all 9th grade teachers are able to hit a moving student between the eyes at 20 paces with a throwing knife.
3. If you wind up on the Island, pick the heavy survival bag. One of the bags will have an automatic submachine gun, along with about 2000 rounds of ammunition. Figuring 1.5 ounces per round, the ammunition will weigh 187 pounds. Along with the extra clips, gun and food, the bag will weigh about 210 pounds. Just watch for the bag it takes three soldiers to carry in, and claim it as yours.
4. If you don't wind up with the submachine gun, keep whatever weapon they issue you. Even if it is nothing more than an ebony swizzle stick, there will come a point during the campaign where nothing but an ebony swizzle stick can save your life.
5. If you manage to overcome someone with a gun, pick up the gun before you leave. Duh.
6. If you get shot, play dead. It takes at least 20 direct hits to kill anyone, so if you lie still, your attacker may move on and look for new conquests. Just make sure he or she has left before you get up and start shouting about your brilliance.
7. If your weapon is nail clippers, and you see the person with the submachine gun, don't charge. Look for a deep hole.
8. Avoid even inconspicuous buildings such as lighthouses. For some reason, people seem to congregate in them just before going berserk.
9. As soon as possible, take a course in computer hacking, so you can turn off your death necklace and crash the adults' monitoring system. Don't worry, despite its having been evacuated, there will be computers with internet capability readily available on the island.
10. Take a course in maritime navigation so you will know how to pilot the yacht, unattended but fully provisioned, which you will find waiting for you on the island. When you get on the yacht, set your course to Hawaii, not back to Japan where you will be wanted for murder.
The Beast of Yucca Flats
(1961)
Truly Unbelievable
20 January 2005
Warning: Spoilers
Older people tell us that as you age, time seems to speed up and fly quickly bye. Watch "The Beast of Yucca Flats" and you will observe a paradox you will age rapidly, yet time will slow to a crawl, the 54 minute running time feeling like hours, or even days.
The plot of this movie may be summarized as follows. A scientist is converted into a monster when exposed to a nuclear test. He kills an unlucky (and very unobservant) couple whose car had broken down, and then chases two young boys around while their father is trying to fix a flat tire. Two lawmen on the trail of the beast shoot, first the father of the boys, and then the beast, after which a rabbit stumbles into the scene and nuzzles the beast causing it to grab and kiss the rabbit before succumbing at last to its wounds. Actually, this is not a plot summary, but rather the shooting script, with the exception of the rabbit, which was a wild rabbit that stumbled into the scene entirely by accident, and was left in. There are no outtakes in a Coleman Francis movie.
This was the first effort by then unknown filmmaker Coleman Francis. Francis was thus unexposed when the film was shot, though in a more perfect world, the film would have been unexposed and Coleman Francis shot. In this film, Francis pays homage to Hitchcock with a scene reminiscent of the cropduster sequence in North by Northwest, and to Ed Wood, by intercutting freely between day and night during a chase scene. Francis' talent as a filmmaker really shines, however, in his decision to dispense with synchronized sound as might have been utilized by a lesser filmmaker. He does this in several clever ways, such as having dialog (and gunshots) come from off screen, or by having the actors cover their mouths or turn their faces away from the camera when they speak. In one particularly inspired sequence, he simply frames the top of the camera view to the actors' shoulders, letting the dialog crackle back and forth between the headless bodies.
Kudos must also go to the cast. Conrad Brooks, of Plan 9 fame, appears in this film, which launched him into a long and illustrious career in such beloved classics as "Polish Vampire in Burbank," "Fart: the Movie," and "Zombiegeddon." Tor Johnson, who had similarly appeared in Plan 9, also experienced a career advancement after this film -- he never made another movie. Despite the notable work by these two, as well as several friends and relatives of the director, special mention must be made of the rabbit, which turned in by far the best performance of the movie, displaying great charisma and screen presence, while still seeming natural and unaffected. To achieve all of this while being unexpectedly kissed by Tor Johnson is no mean feat for a first-timer.
This film shames the recently popular movie "The Ring," in which everyone who watches a certain video all die horrible deaths within one week of the viewing. "The Beast of Yucca Flats" effortlessly achieves the same result in just 54 minutes.
The plot of this movie may be summarized as follows. A scientist is converted into a monster when exposed to a nuclear test. He kills an unlucky (and very unobservant) couple whose car had broken down, and then chases two young boys around while their father is trying to fix a flat tire. Two lawmen on the trail of the beast shoot, first the father of the boys, and then the beast, after which a rabbit stumbles into the scene and nuzzles the beast causing it to grab and kiss the rabbit before succumbing at last to its wounds. Actually, this is not a plot summary, but rather the shooting script, with the exception of the rabbit, which was a wild rabbit that stumbled into the scene entirely by accident, and was left in. There are no outtakes in a Coleman Francis movie.
This was the first effort by then unknown filmmaker Coleman Francis. Francis was thus unexposed when the film was shot, though in a more perfect world, the film would have been unexposed and Coleman Francis shot. In this film, Francis pays homage to Hitchcock with a scene reminiscent of the cropduster sequence in North by Northwest, and to Ed Wood, by intercutting freely between day and night during a chase scene. Francis' talent as a filmmaker really shines, however, in his decision to dispense with synchronized sound as might have been utilized by a lesser filmmaker. He does this in several clever ways, such as having dialog (and gunshots) come from off screen, or by having the actors cover their mouths or turn their faces away from the camera when they speak. In one particularly inspired sequence, he simply frames the top of the camera view to the actors' shoulders, letting the dialog crackle back and forth between the headless bodies.
Kudos must also go to the cast. Conrad Brooks, of Plan 9 fame, appears in this film, which launched him into a long and illustrious career in such beloved classics as "Polish Vampire in Burbank," "Fart: the Movie," and "Zombiegeddon." Tor Johnson, who had similarly appeared in Plan 9, also experienced a career advancement after this film -- he never made another movie. Despite the notable work by these two, as well as several friends and relatives of the director, special mention must be made of the rabbit, which turned in by far the best performance of the movie, displaying great charisma and screen presence, while still seeming natural and unaffected. To achieve all of this while being unexpectedly kissed by Tor Johnson is no mean feat for a first-timer.
This film shames the recently popular movie "The Ring," in which everyone who watches a certain video all die horrible deaths within one week of the viewing. "The Beast of Yucca Flats" effortlessly achieves the same result in just 54 minutes.
Manos: The Hands of Fate
(1966)
Godawful!
18 October 2004
From the opening scene, ineptness jumps off the screen at you. The movie is hard to turn off, though, as the mind is soon numbed and goes into shock, making self-defensive actions impossible. Watching this movie, I found myself nostalgically longing for the crackling dialogue and directorial surehandedness of Ed Wood. At least his films looked and sounded something like movies. In the trivia section, it says this film was filmed over a period of two and a half months. It's hard to see how, since two and a half hours should have been sufficient to make this drivel, including writing the screenplay (both pages). The man responsible for Manos should have his testicles removed before he has a chance to reproduce.
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