Drake_Clawfang Reviews

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009)

Tolerable Rehash

[6/10 · 24 June 2009]

This is not a Transformers sequel - it's the first movie redone with more focus on the robots.

The film's plot is basically the same as the first film - Sam knows the location of the Matrix, and the Decepticons want him to find out where it is so they can conquer earth. The Matrix basically takes the place of the Allspark in that. Sam and Mikayla just run around while the robots fight overhead, track down Agent Simmons who explains what Sam is seeing, leading into a meeting with Jetfire and a plotdump, then a big fight scene.

Now, no sane person is going to expect a Transformers movie to be a masterpiece. All the original cartoon was is this: "these robots are good, those ones are bad, now watch them beat up on each other". And this time we get that, the military plays a smaller role and now we focus on the Autobots and Decepticons fighting. The fight scenes are much better, particularly the battle in the forest where Optimus goes 3v1 with Megatron, Starscream and a new guy they never name.

Now, in between the robot fighting, as before, we have the problem we had with the first one - the military. I don't know what Michael Bay's little boy fascination is with tanks and jets, but they don't belong in Transformers. At no one time should there be anymore than six humans on the screen, unless they're fleeing in terror from the giant robots. The military, unless my memory is spotty, never had a major role in the cartoon, and they shouldn't have one here. The only time we should see military hardware on the screen is when they're about to transform.

I really feel bad for Megan Fox in this film, she is quite pretty but they dress Mikayla in low-cut tops and high cut shorts and take any chance they can to shoot her from compromising angles. Alice is even worse with the clear panty-shot in Sam's room. The sex appeal and the humor in this film is overdone, they need to tone it down a bit. There's one scene where it cuts, for no reason at all, to Sam's (male) dogs humping. For ten seconds with no reason at all for it, they cut away to the dogs humping...why!? The sexuality and humor in this film is far too heavy for Transformers. I don't want it totally serious, every film needs *some* comic relief, but this one has too much.

The Transformers now are more than interchangeable robots, but they're still mishandled. Too many clichéd and uninspired personalities, and several Transformers are just not named. Like, there's one Decepticon that's basically a gray clone of Blackout from the first film, and he appears for ten seconds before he get killed. What was the point of that? Alice too, she ultimately served no purpose in the film except for a girl to ogle when Megan Fox wasn't on the screen.

The military is the problem with the fight scenes, I watch Megatron stumbling back from tank fire and am seriously irritated, the only one who knocks Megatron back is Optimus, not some puny humans! The final fight scene is cool, lots of robots fighting, but it's an anti-climax. Jetfire merging with Optimus is the coolest thing in the film, and the new Optimus is awesome, but the fight between Optimus and the Fallen is too short, and Megatron hangs back and watches as his master is beaten and just slips away. Yes, apparently Megatron is the Fallen's "apprentice". The Megatron I remember from the cartoons would never take orders, he'd give them, and if Optimus were fighting he would be in there fighting him back, not just watching his minions do it. That's what it ought to be - Optimus vs Megatron, not Optimus vs Fallen or Megatron vs tanks.

Overall, more robots, more dialogue, more fighting, better movie. But it has the same flaws as the first time - too much comic relief, too much focus on the humans, and too much flat Sam-Mikayla romance. All the iconic Michael Bay shots are there - the backlit military vehicles, the swinging and rotating camera around the people, the guy stepping from the car with a low-angle shot, the robot crashing through a building out the other side. Now that I know what to look for I see his stamp on his movie like a neon sign, and I now realize that Michael Bay and his filming conventions are the overall problem with the film. It's still good, but his obsession with hand-cameras and tanks are too much for a second movie. And while the flaws are the same, they've had time to clean up the flaws from the first film and haven't, so those same flaws are even worse for it.

I have no doubt there will be a third movie, and I do hope it's good. Transformers 2 is just as good, maybe a bit better, than the first, but it's still not the movie we fans want or the franchise deserves. The sequel is a strong step closer to the "true" Transformers movie, but still isn't there yet. But it's closer than the first one, so give it credit for that. I'd say it's worth seeing if you liked the first movie. But if you hated the first movie, I doubt you'll find this one any more tolerable.

Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian (2009)

Night at the Museum: Battle for Screen time

[6/10 · 22 May 2009]

Sequels by definition, must capture the audience's attention, and the spirit of the first film, while still raising the bar so it doesn't feel like a rehash. Night at the Museum 2 tries to do this and fails at both. What it succeeds in doing is showing us what the Museum of Natural History must be like when the tablet leaves - empty and devoid of the magic that once made it so grand.

Larry as a character is little more than a fall guy in this film. Since the last film he quit his job and became a successful inventor, a plot point left undeveloped and forgotten within the first hour. Basically, the museum is modernizing and the old exhibits are being moved into storage at the Smithsonian in Washington. Enter Kah Mun Rah, the big brother of Arkmenrah from the first film, who wants to use the tablet to open the gates to the underworld and conquer the world, even if it's been a few thousand years.

Already, the plot sounds like a fourth "Mummy" movie. It doesn't get any better from there. For the first part of the movie, Ben Stiller runs around playing keep-away with the tablet with Kah Mun Rah's minions, and for the second half he runs around talking to exhibits trying to get the answer to a riddle. In the first film, Larry has to learn about the various exhibits and how to handle them. Here, he mostly just meets historical figures (and figurines) one after the other and exchanges a few lines of semi-witty banter before moving on.

The exhibits here spend the film fighting for their time in the spotlight. Many of the original exhibits, like Sacagawea and Attila the Hun, spend most of the film locked up in a box. Others, like Jedidiah and Octavious, are underused or misused. Robin Williams appears at the beginning and end of the film and in a small cameo part-way through, a shameful fate for such a funny man. The new exhibits - Einstein, Oscar the Grouch, the Cherubs and Abe Lincoln, get a few minutes of screen time, make a few one-liners and vanish as Larry leaves the scene. The film attempts to cram too many characters into too small a time frame.

There's a few laughs. Hank Azaria gives Kah Mun Rah an absolutely hilarious, over-the-top speech impediment, Octavious using a squirrel as a steed for battle was clever, and Custer's speech to Larry was a bit more in-line with the spirit of the first film. Amy Adams is lovely as Amelia Earhart, but ultimately seems tacked on as she follows Larry for no real reason doing little more than giving him someone to talk to. Really, with much of the original film's magic gone, at times the humor seems forced. As funny as it is listening to Kah Mun Rah talk with his lisp, his banter with Larry near the end is rather uninspired. The scene with the two monkeys is cute, but the repetition of the slap sequence from the original film has lost its charm.

What's also sad is there was so much potential here too. Kah Mun Rah and Ahkmenrah reuniting, Teddy's mannequin meeting his bust in the Smithsonian, more development for just a few exhibits than featuring too many, all things that could have been clever and funny but didn't happen. And you cannot tell me Larry was the only guard there, it's the Smithsonian, surely there were other guards watching the carnage, this could have put to great use! Lincoln scaring off Kah Mun Rah's army is rather anticlimactic, and Larry dueling the pharaoh sword-to-flashlight is cute but ridiculous. Other things, like Octavious' foray to the White House and Larry's new life, go nowhere. Larry ultimately realizes he preferred being a night guard to being a businessman. Predictable and boring, much like the film itself.

It's funny at times, you'll watch and you'll laugh. But it's just not as good as the original. The magic and surprise is gone, along with too many of the original cast members/exhibits. What's left behind is a shell of what once was, and what could have been.

Enchanted (2007)

Family fun

[10/10 · 24 November 2007]

I honestly was surprised. Enchanted does exactly what the plot says it does - it takes the classic fairytale characters we grew up with, and dumps them in the real world. Queen Narissa wants her son to never marry so she never loses the throne, so when he meets Giselle, she spirits her away to modern New York, and she gets taken in by Robert, a divorced lawyer.

From there on out, it gets kinda predictable. Prince Edward rushes to the rescue, unaware his squire is working to make sure he doesn't find Giselle. And while Edward is busy running around the city, Robert teaches Giselle the "real world" version of love, complete with dates and divorce. And by the time Edward finds her, Giselle is falling for Robert.

Like I said, it's predictable, but its fun. If nothing else, seeing all the movie clichés happen in real life is worth a laugh. Seeing mice and birds clean a house is fun in animation - in real life with rats and pigeons cleaning an apartment, it's a little different. And there's a slew of allusions to all the classics, Beauty and the Beasts, Snow White, Sleeping Beauty. There's a few times (like the first ten minutes) when you groan and just bear it because it's sugary enough to rot your teeth. But its fun. And the songs are kept to a minimum, and are fun when they do happen.

Overall, predictable, but fun. Like Shrek and Hoodwinked before it, it does a delightful spin of every storybook cliché. Enjoyable for all ages.

Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End (2007)

Truly Epic

[10/10 · 24 May 2007]

This film is not for the casual viewer. The last two films are so amazingly epic, that someone who hasn't seen them will be confused by this. But if you have seen them...hang on.

This is, without a doubt, one of the most epic movies ever. It gets off to a shaky start, but jumps into the action quickly after Jack rejoins and climbs to an epic climax of Pearl vs. Dutchman around a gigantic whirlpool.

So many loose ends are tied up, and at times it seems cluttered, but if you pay attention you won't get lost. The loose ends are tied up with style and humor, and only the mysterious "mark" Jack left on Beckett is never explained. And some others like the Kraken, Governor Swan, and Sao Feng, are tied up too fast and could have been carried out a little longer.

I only have one real gripe, with Will and Elizabeth's marriage. Did it really have to be during the fight? It was corny, really, and annoying. It also seemed squeezed in, and I fail to see why as it only detracted from the battle. But, for what they tried to do, they did their best. It could have gone worse.

Anyhow, in the end (SPOILERS), this is what happens, so stop reading now if you plan to see the film! The big four survive.

Will becomes Captain of the Dutchman, Elizabeth becomes Pirate King ( Queen?), and Barbossa snatches the Black Pearl and maroons Gibbs and Jack at Tortuga with the charts to the Fountain of Youth, which, he discovers, have been cut out...

And the trilogy ends the same way it began - Jack sailing on a dingy into the sea, compass in one hand, rum in the other.

"Drink up me hearties, yo ho!"

The Grudge 2 (2006)

Well, it IS a Sequel

[7/10 · 20 February 2007]

Sequels are hard to do properly: they have to live up to the first film, but expand on it appropriately. Sequels, by nature are hard to make excellent. Several are as good as the original. Others just barely fall short. This is one of them.

New twists like SMG being trapped in an apparent loop, Kiyako's (sp?) mother and her being a miko, and Amber Tamblyn becoming part of it as opposed to just being consumed, add more plotwise. And scarewise, we have a lot of the old and some new. Kiyako's Grudge has been released from its mortal shackles, and now there seems to be no pattern to who she and her feline-esquire son consume: bad news for the world, the Grudge has been set free, and I don't mean in theatres.

When it comes to the deaths, it's hard to be scared. The only death I found that disturbing was Amber Tamblyn's. But the first film set the tone, we know what's coming. About half a dozen times I thought "They're gonna die", and if I recall, five of those six times, I was right. The only part that really caught me offguard was the school councilor, which was also quite creepy.

Overall, the movie loses a lot of its boom because we know that most of the cast won't survive until the credits, such as it is in nearly every horror movie. But the new plot elements leave the viewer entranced, despite the fact anyone who has seen the first film knows when and who's gonna die.

As a last note, remember the third film is in production, and as anyone who has seen Back to the Future, the Matrix, or LOTR, can tell you, any sequel that already has the three-quel lined up will lose a bit of walking room so the third can get a running start. But it appears Kiyako DOES indeed want something, why else would she let Amber Tamblyn see her past before killing her? File that under "things to remember" if you plan to see the third.

Overall, just short of the original in quality, but still pretty good. It's worth watching if you have the time: just not at night, or before taking a bath, or going to school...

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest (2006)

Awesome

[10/10 · 7 July 2006]

Any film good enough to cause the audience at a normal theater to clap when it ends must be darn great, right? And that's what happened when I saw pirates.

Similar to all the other trilogies recently, Pirates 2 can't work on its own like 1 can, mostly because there are a series of cliffhangers at the end of 2 that set the stage for 3. But that's not to say it isn't an awesome film! Lots of laugh out loud moments. An intriguing plot, double crossing, and some good old-fashioned sword fights. Well, one said sword fight is a three-way duel, and takes place aboard a water-wheel rolling through the jungle with the three combatants balancing atop, and *inside* the moving wheel...okay, maybe 'old fashioned' wasn't the proper term...

New characters are introduced, including a big name from the infamous East India Company that branded Jack with the 'P' on his forearm, and it seems the company wants Davey Jones. Jones is not only one of the coolest CGI characters since the skeleton pirates in the first film, sporting a beard of tentacles and a frickin' awesome pipe-organ, but he commands the Flying Dutchman, as well as the Kraken, a gigantic aquatic beast that can pull entire ships to the depths of the sea. And if the EIC gets command of Jones and the Kraken, kiss Jack, and pirates everywhere, goodbye!

Jack himself owes Jones a debt: his soul, for it was Jones who raised the Black Pearl from the sea 13 years ago, and was promised Jack's soul once he had captained it for 13 years. Granted, he was mutinied and cast off the ship for 10 years. But in Jones' own words, that just means that Jack wasn't a very *good* captain. But Jack has a plan: Davey Jones, betrayed by his lover, cut out his heart and buried it inside the Dead Man's Chest. If Jack can find the key, and the chest, he has Jones' heart. It may not be in his body, but Jones still needs it to live, and thus there is jack's bargaining chip for his soul.

Overall, an incredible film. As with all sequels, some with say it isn't on par with the first, but I'm not one of them: it was better. And if you want a line to match the infamous 'but you *have* heard of me' line, here it is.

MAJOR SPOILER

Jack stands alone on board the Black Pearl, as the Kraken rises form the ocean to destroy the ship, roaring at Jack and spitting out his hat that it had swallowed earlier. Jack calmly picks up his hat, shakes off the mucus, slaps it on, draws his sword, and smiles.

"Hello beastie"

And with that, Jack leaps into the Kraken's jaws, sword raised, as the monster destroys the Black Pearl. Jack is gone.

Until, of course, Pirates III.

Fahrenheit 9/11 (2004)

Bang, Zoom, right in Bush's corrupt kisser!

[10/10 · 21 May 2006]

As I see it, any documentary, that hits so hard the government has to release its own documentary to disprove the first, has to be worth seeing. Yup, a film cleverly titled 'FahrenHype 9/11', supposedly detailing the lies and false truths told by Moore's film, was released. When I go to Blockbuster, all 3 copies of this film are frequently rented out. And 'FahrenHype 9/11'? I've never seen it rented once.

Let's face it, we all know there was something up with 9/11, the War against Terror, and Bush's entire first term in office as a whole. You'd have to be downright stupid to not see it, or at least in denial. Moore spills the beans here.

Did you know that almost 1 trillion dollars of the U.S. economy is from Saudi money? Or that the appointed leader of Afganistan was a former adviser to an oil company owned by a friend of Bush? Or that Bush and his pals invested in a defense company prior to 9/11? Or how about, after 9/11, 2 dozen Bin Laden family members were flown out of the country? Well, now that you *do* know, are you getting a little suspicious?

It's not hard to see what was on Bush's mind during the war. After all, with several investors to his companies being connected to Bin Laden in some way, he was in a tough spot. How to conduct war on the man without PO'ing your buddies, who know the man. Bush thus did what he had to do to save face, and invade Afganistan. He just did a half-assed job of it, and went on to invade Iraq for reasons lost in a sea of red-tape and falsehoods Bush has weaved into the web of lies that make up his presidency.

What sort of amusing and yet, ridiculous things happened here? how about people beng allowed lighters and matches aboard planes, but a mother being forced to give up her bottle of breast milk? Or the simple fact that there's a larger police force in Manhattan than there were troops in Afganistan.

I'll admit it, I was anti-Bush before I saw this. So of course I loved it. I mean, one Congressman actually says that Congress didn't read the Patriot Act. What is that? Pass a bill without reading it? And then using the Patriot Act as an excuse to bust down an old guys door because he called Bush an asshole? Ha!

I will say this now- watch this film. You know what, Moore probably does tell some half-truths here and there. And like Bush hasn't? Overall, a great film. And if nothing else, listening to Moore voice Bush's supposed inner thoughts in the classroom, the morning of September 11, is very funny.

"Which one of them...screwed me?"

The more pressing question is: Did Bush himself, screw the troops who gave their lives, fighting a war in a country that posed no threat? Did he screw the Amercian people, who sent their family members to fight. Did he screw the innocent civilians of Iraq and Afganistan? Come to think of it, who did Bush *not* screw?

Sadly, the answer is: no one. Bush screwed us all.

Super Mario Bros. (1993)

Well...What did you expect?

[7/10 · 30 March 2006]

Okay, this was based on a VI-DE-O GAME! Look at how most of the movies based on games have turned out! If you think this movie was lame, well again, what were you expecting, Titanic? Leo DiCaprio? Well, as it is, this movie, apart from characters and references, isn't that much like the Mario games. But hey, the games were pretty much Mario/Luigi jumping on giant turtles, and various other things. So hey, like that would work as a movie! Considering what they had to work with, they did a good job here.

See, we all know that the dinosaurs went extinct some 65 million years ago when a huge meteorite struck Earth, right? Wrong! When the meteorite hit, it created a parallel dimension, and the dinos continue to evolve into human-like beings. Now, for the most part, Dino Land was a fun place. Then Koopa developed the power to 'de-evolve' things. He wasted no time in de-evolving the King into primordial fungus, and making himself dictator. Anyone who opposes him gets de-evolved into a Goomba. Now, under Koopa's rule, 20 years later, Dino Land is in a bad way. Few resources, limited food, fungus everywhere, and robbery and thievery run rampant. Good thing King K. has a plan to bail out his little town.

See, when he took power 2 decades ago, the Queen fled to a vortex that leads from Dino Land to Brooklyn. She took with her an egg (reptiles, remember?) containing her child, Daisy. The Queen dies sealing the vortex, but luckily, the kid is entrusted to some nuns. With the egg comes a tiny shard of crystal. See, the meteorite that slammed Earth so many years ago is in Dino Lan. This crystal is a shard of it that broke off on impact, protected by the royal family. And guess what? If it were to be inserted back into the meteorite, the dimensions would merge together. Problem is, the energy that would be released upon insertion would be enormous, and only a member of the royal family would be able to withstand it. Getting Koopa's plan here? You guessed it: snag the shard, kidnap Daisy, merge the dimensions, de-evolve us, and take over our world. Boom, Dino Land's problems are solved! And yeah, Mankind will be a bunch of apes and monkeys, but Lizardkind will be living on easy street, so too bad for us!

Not the best filmyou'll ever see, but a fun little gig. Just try and spot all the in-game references here! Yoshi, Super Mushrooms, the Goombas...the garbage men wear masks that resemble Snifits, and the cops, I believe in one scene, are referred to as Koopa Troopers. Big Bertha? Like the Cannon-like enemy in Super Mario RPG? Notice the Bullet-Bill like cartridges that power the Stomper Shoes? Or did you catch that sign over the tunnel that read 'Koopahari Desert?' I personally loved the final battle against Koopa, mirroring the boss battles in Mario Brothers (Koopa vs. Mario on a bridge, shooting fireballs) and Super Mario World (Koopa suspended overhead in his bucket). A pity Magikoopa couldn't have been fit in somewhere. And I would have liked to see Koopa's Airship. But hey, what can ya do? I would have also liked to have seen a sequel, but since it's been 10 years, probably not. Oh well. Take this film as it is: watch it, and have fun.

Yours, Mine & Ours (2005)

Ugh, like we need another of these?

[4/10 · 8 March 2006]

It has been done. Over and over and over and over. Parents do something (move, get married, get divorced, etc.) kids don't like, kids get mad and act like spoiled little brats to try and get parents to rethink the decision.

That's about what this is. Now, there's 18 kids between the two stars. You'd think that in 18 kids, ranging from toddlers to teens, that one, at least ONE of them, would poke their heads out of their own little universe, and think "Hey, our parents seem happy. I may not like it, but I'll give it a shot." You'd think that at least one of them wouldn't be selfish, would you? But no! Every single one of the little terrors (and I'm 17, so don't think I only call them that as some sort of kid-hating adult) hates moving and hates the new family. So they put aside their differences and work together to split their parents up and get things back the way they were. And naturally, the parents don't suspect a thing when the kids start going to extremes.

And of course, things work out. And kids realize they've made a mistake. They go too far and feel bad (Mom cried herself to sleep). I don't understand that part. You feel bad kids? Really? My god, who ever could have thought that acting like brats and ruining every aspect of your parents' lives would be a bad idea? Really, I figured that pushing every button you know of till they snap would be a good idea.

And the ending is just so corny. My Beautiful Lighthouse Keeper? Give me a break here. Now that I've trashed the kids, let's move on to the parents. An artist/hippie/whatever, marries a super-strict naval officer. Am I the only one who thinks there may be eventual conflicts of interests here? And trying to rekindle a kigh-school romance decades later...always a bright idea!

Very few genuine laughs. The pig...why does the family own a pig? The housekeeper...not needed, she's actually scary. When you get to the core bone of the movie...there isn't much there. The plot is as thin as the humor. If you must see a movie where a bunch of selfish kids try and work over their parents due to a petty thing like moving, go see Cheaper by the Dozen. Steve Martin is actually funny, unlike Dennis Quaid. Honestly, there was only one entire scene in the whole movie that got a real laugh out of me, at the party scene:

Who here lives here (kids raise hands). Anyone else still here within 5 minutes will be forcably consctripted into the United States Coastguard!

There. You now know the one funny thing in the whole movie. Now, save yourself 2 hours and however many dollars it would cost to rent this, and don't,

The Secret Garden (1993)

An Awesome Movie

[7/10 · 7 March 2006]

You've think a movie starring mostly pre-teens as the main cast members would be a happy-go lucky story of fairies and good and evil and yadda yadda yadda...I'll say it now, the Secret Garden isn't your average kid's storybook fairytale.

The movie, considering what you would take to be it's target audience (pre-teens), is pretty dark. Colin is dying, his mother died, Mary's parents die...yeah. For what it is, it's great. The acting is superb, the plot is engaging, and the Secret Gardner itself is astounding. The movie is full of secrets, and characters with secrets. Pretty much all the main characters have had some sort of tragedy in their lives.

It's one of those movies that you want to watch again. It's not exceptionally funny, although there are dashes of humor. Not that romance, but there is some. And no violence at all, save for maybe a few scenes. So overall...the target audience will enjoy it, and older members will enjoy it too. Odds are that anyone over age 10 will find this movie very likable.

Me, Myself & Irene (2000)

A Perfect Movie for Carrey

[8/10 · 5 March 2006]

This is the kind of movie Jim Carrey was born to play. Few movies can make the best of his comedic prowess. The Mask was one. A Series of Unfortnate Events was another. And then there's Me, Myself and Irene.

Carrey plays Charlie Bailygates, a Long Island cop. Charlie's wife cheated on him for the duration of their whole marriage with their limo driver, finally leaving him with 3 (black) kids from her affair. The town is laughing behind Charlie's back, and he knows it. Sad to say, Charlie is a nice guy, and no one feels bad about exploiting the fact that the poor guy won't stand up for himself. As the narrator himself puts it: when you can't deal with your own problems, it's hard to deal with others.

That's where Hank Evans comes in. Hank is rude, crude, and feels no shame about kicking the ass of anyone he doesn't like. Hank has a raging libido, a big mouth, and a serious mean streak. And as he himself puts it, unless Charlie learns to deal with his life on his own, Hank is going to have to move in for good.

Carrey plays polar opposites in this movie, and it rocks. He can play such a variety of roles, this movie lets him play the nice guy and the mean guy. Good cop, bad cop: That's Charlie and Hank! This movie simply is hilarious, and a must see for any Jim Carrey fan.

The Man (2005)

Hm...

[7/10 · 3 March 2006]

The Man is one of what I like to call 'MWLP': Movies with little plot. The movie's plot is rather thin: Jackson is a cop whose partner was just killed by a gun-smuggling ring. He sets up a buy with a dealer, but a case of coincidence leads Levy to intercept the goods. Now that the dealers think Levy is the buyer, Jackson has no choice but to work with Levy to bust the ring.

Like I said, the plot if mediocre. But the movie itself is good. Jackson walks the walks, and Levy talks, talks, and talks! The cursing, swearing, tough-as-nails cop paired with a dental supply salesman who really just wants to get the job over with and go on with his life: preferably before Jackson shoots him in the keyster (again!). But in the end, Jackson must swallow his pride as Levy takes matters into his own hands and sets up a trade to get Jackson into the heart of the operation. Not bad for a dental supply salesman!

Over all...if you want an engaging, twisting, turning and suspenseful...look elsewhere. You want laughs, and one of the most outrageous cop pairings since Chris Tucker and Jackie Chan, see this movie.

Bulletproof Monk (2003)

Kick-Butt Action meets Mystic Mumbo Jumbo

[8/10 · 20 February 2006]

I'm sure everyone has seen the Matrix. Now, imagine a movie like that, complete with all the action and fighting, but without the philosophical stuff that'll make your head hurt. You've got Bulletproof Monk.

Sean Willian Scott plays his traditional role of a street-wise punk, who gets the perfect put-down from the Monk (For someone who says he's going to kick my "freaky-ass"...you do a lot of talking). But hey, lots of talking. Isn't that most of Scott's roles? Kar actually ends up being the hero, as opposed to some self-centered brat like Steve Stifler, which many may know Scott from best.

Nazis as the enemy...well, okay. Not the most original idea but hey, take it for what it is. The final battle is pretty cool, with both the Monk and Strucker having super-skills. Although one has to wonder how Strucker gets all his power. Super-strength is one thing, but he stops Kar's dive in mid-air. Well...again, take it for what it is.

Overall, it won't change the way you look at the world, or leave you awestruck. But hey, if you need a good action flick, here it is. Honestly, thinking back, my only problem with this film? We never actually find out the Monk's name. But hey, what can you do?

The Adventures of Pluto Nash (2002)

Murphy tries a Smith role

[6/10 · 22 January 2006]

Well, it may not be the best movie you'll ever see. But it's not the worst either. It's a mediocre comedy that falls a little short, but with some alternate casting, could have been great.

Eddie Murphy is an ex-smuggler in the year 2078, when the Moon has been colonized. Overall, the opening sequence, which gives much of Murphy's past, could have been, and should have been longer, as it comes into play later. Why? Murphy vaguely mentions he had surgery done in prison. This was used to clone Murphy's twin Rex Crater (Also played by Murphy). But unless you have a word-for-word memory of the first scenes, you'll forget that was ever mentioned and get lost later. The movie could have been set in modern times, so why they had it done in the future is not known to me.

One gets the feeling this movie would have been better with Will Smith as the part of Pluto Nash. Murphy is doubt a great comedian, but he's no action star, which Nash was. Had Smith done the role, this movie would have been better. Mainly because the comedic Murphy isn't comedic here: most of the laughs come from his android bodyguard. Among other things, a brisk walk is his top speed, he is attracted to other robots (Although how robots do...that, I'm not sure exactly), and is laughed at for being a out-of-date model. Had the comedy genre been dropped, and Smith cast instead of Murphy, the movie would have been okay. As it is, it's not terrible, but you aren't missing anything.

The Longest Yard (2005)

A Surprising Twist from Sandler

[8/10 · 15 January 2006]

After all of Adam Sandler's mediocre comedies, this one stands out above the rest. Unlike so many comedies, this one never sacrifices plot for humor. The final football game, titled 'Pros vs. Cons' only features humor in small doses. The majority of the final scenes are geared towards the game that has been the highlight of the whole movie.

The movie has some surprisingly tender and heartfelt moments. Just watch that scene were Crewe (Sandler) runs for the first down without his team's support, and try not to be inspired. And the funny, but oh-so believable part of the game comes in the opening plays when the prisoners care nothing about the ball and tackle the guards that have caused them personal trouble. Of course, this allows the guards to get 2 touchdowns in 2 plays, but the Mean Machine makes a comeback.

Chris Rock provides just as many jokes as Adam Sandler, playing the resourceful but foul-mouthed Caretaker. With lines ranging from 'I'll teach you anything, just don't eat me!' to 'You've got one brother out there, this ain't hockey.', Caretaker's quick wit snaps in a joke whenever Crewe can't fit one in. Such a pity what happens to him.

The Warden seems like an odd character. At first, he appears nice and fair, being friendly to Crewe. Then he rigs the game in his favor at half-time and floods the practice field so the prisoners can't practice. But considering that Crewe's motives go from losing the game to actually winning, it makes sense. And the various hulking prisoners have their jokes. Of particular note is 'The Sasquatch', a 7'10 450 pound titan that has all his lines subtitled. Apparently, the directors did this so people can understand his easier, but it actually becomes funny without trying after a while.

If you've been disappointed by Sandler's films thus far, go see this one. It's a touch above the rest.

Anger Management (2003)

You can see it coming

[7/10 · 14 January 2006]

Jack Nicholson drives the movie, pushing poor Adam Sandler to the edge. Jack played Buddy Rydel, an anger management therapist with some...questionable methods. His method of 'curing' Dave's anger problem is to provoke Dave (Sandler) until Dave snaps and loses it. And oddly enough, after Buddy explains 'implosive and explosive' anger problems, his methods actually make sense! Little gags and jokes make the movie great. Buddy is, as Dave says, a psycho, but what can you expect from the man who starred in The Shining? And the various members of the support group do their part as supporting cast. A surprising absence is Rob Schinder, although his trademark line 'You can do it!' is in the movie.

Overall, you can actually see the ending coming. I won't spoil it, but anyone with an IQ over 50 can tell that there is most certainly something wrong. The set-up is convincing, although Buddy does take it a bit too far when he claims he gave Dave's girlfriend a '10-second frencher'. Dave eventually learns that he can't keep his anger bottled up. One gets the feeling that Dave was based on Ned Flanders from The Simpsons. Picture Homer schooling Ned on how to control anger, and you'll get this movie. Buddy himself has some issues to work out, but again, what can you expect from Jack Nicholson? A great movie. Probably not the best comedy Adam Sandler has done, but worth the time to see.

Wrongfully Accused (1998)

A Leslie Nielsen Classic

[10/10 · 1 January 2006]

It stars Leslie Nielsen. what more do you need to know? It's true, Nielsen has built a career out of movies like this. He plays Ryan Harrison, the dashing, although somewhat clueless hero who somehow romances a woman half his age, tracks down a 1-armed, 1-legged, 1-eyed man, and saves a UN Member. He does so through trial and error, questionable flashbacks, smart-alec quips and oddly phrased metaphors. And somehow does it in what seems to be 2 days! In the good tradition of the parody, nothing is sacred to this movie. Although it is mostly a spoof of The Fugitive, every movie gets the blade here. Braveheart, Titanic, Mission Impossible, Field of Dreams, it all gets the Nielsen treatment. And just movies, but pop culture too! Car alarms, ER, bras, basketball commentary, and Alfred Hitchock all get their dues. Even the adorable puppet Lambchop can be heard chanting 'Riot, riot, riot!' in a scene.

Simply put, any Leslie Nielsen fan will love this. If you hated his previous movies, you won't like this one. It's a rehash of the classic parody formula, a formula that has withstood the test and still stands up. And of course the clueless Nielsen doesn't fail to disappoint. Running from a model airplane, wearing a meat factory coat to impersonate a doctor, using a long wooden stick to deactivate his bear-trap car alarm, and playing a violin with his teeth...He does it all! Leslie Nielsen is without a clue, without a hope, and he's been Wrongfully Accused!

Yu-Gi-Oh!: The Movie - Pyramid of Light (2004)

A Waste of Time

[4/10 · 31 December 2005]

Truth be told, I'm a big fan of Yugioh. I play the card game, the video games, and watch the anime all the time. So as a hard-core fan, even I have to say, this movie sucked. Big time.

Truth be told,the plot sounds good, and the movie had potential. Anubis, an evil sorcerer, awakens from a 5000 year old sleep and, like most villains, goes to destroy the world. And guess what? He's got the 8th Millennium Item, the Pyramid of Light (picture a blue version of the Millennium Puzzle) to help him do it. To defeat him, Yugi and the gang have to travel into the Millennium Puzzle to defeat him, and battle all sorts of mummies along the way. Now, had the movie focused on the gang's battle against Anubis, then it would have been watchable.

Then, the monkey wench came in the form of 2 words; Seto Kaiba. Maximillion Pegasus appears, but he ain't the villain. And even the evil sorcerer Anubis can't be the big bad, he only appears for about 10 seconds (egxagerating here). Nope, it's Kaiba and his obsession to beat Yugi (this guy needs a hobby!) that drives the movie, start to finish.

Anyone who has watched the anime knows how annoying Kaiba can be. You'd think that, if the guy runs a multi-national corporation, he'd have a brain. But even Kaiba can't figure out something's wrong when Anubis whispers in his ear, and the monster attacks physically hurt the duelist. Guess he doesn't have a brain! The movie simply combines 2 good elements that mix to form nothing: A card game and an undead evil. Picture the cast of The Mummy playing poker, and you'll get an idea of how bad the movie was. It was basically a 90 minute episode of Yugioh. It contributes nothing to the anime, and actually creates a huge plot hole (the opening sequence mentions Yugi has been dueling for 3 years, meaning that seasons 3 and 4 in the anime take place at least 2 years apart). And the Pyramid of Light is never mentioned ever again, nor is Anubis, and all cards seen in the film are never seen again either. If I, as a fan didn't like this movie, how enjoyable do you think it would be for a non-fan? Save yourself an hour an a half, and skip seeing this.

The Fifth Element (1997)

Awesome movie!

[9/10 · 28 December 2005]

Mystic mumbo jumbo in the 23 century...The Fifth Element is just that. The age old battle of Good and Evil is played out once again, this time to the tune of hovercraft, light-speed travel, and aliens. And the only thing stopping Earth from being consumed by destruction is Milla Jonovich and 4 old rocks. Sounds like we're in trouble, huh? Watch the seen where Leeloo (Milla) takes on a small army of baddies and wins, and you'll agree it's a good thing she's on our side.

And of course Bruce Willis is there too, blowing things up and gunning down the baddies like only he can. In true Willis style, he snaps wisecracks left and right and also has the perfect line. Only Willis can shoot an alien in the head and crack a joke three seconds later. Chris Tucker also comes on board as a Radio DJ in a skin-tight leopard print bodysuit. The ladies in the film call Tucker's character 'Ruby Rhod' sexy and talented. Korben (Bruce Willis) holds him by the throat and tells him to keep his trap shut and leave him alone. Odds are that anyone who sees Tucker in this movie won't blame him. Surprisingly, even Tucker does his part to save the world. Although afterwards he whines and complains about it.

Guiding Korben is an old priest and his apprentice. The priest wants to save the world. To do it, he stows away on a ship, knocks out Bruce Willis, and pretty much tells off the President (of Earth, not just the U.S.). This guy isn't your typical Sunday pastor! Also in the run for life are the President and the army. The President almost cries at the end, and the head of the army gets trapped in a freezer and frozen. Makes you wonder how they ever got into power...

Opposing the Good are the Bad and the Ugly: Unlike many other movies, this one doesn't go overboard by featuring aliens left and right. But the Mangalores are fun, pig-like aliens that, like all good villains, are greedy, noisy, violent, and just far too easy to poke fun at. What's a movie without the incompetent henchmen? And Gary Oldman plays the part of Zorg, the cunning, intelligent and evil business man that doesn't realize he's helping to doom mankind. Hm, maybe he isn't that intelligent after all. Putting aside that tiny little flaw, Zorg carries a big gun, loves flamethrowers, and kills anyone who dares stand in his way- including his own employees. What more could you ask for in an evil villain? An outlandish costume? Zorg has it! Don't ask why he wears a piece of plastic that covers half his head, no one knows. But it looks silly, and actually fits in with Zorg's metallic green and orange get-up, so you'll get over it fairly fast. Or burst out laughing, one of the two.

Overall, this movie is just plain fun! The villain's constant failures break him down to tears at one point, there's a giant fireball set to consume Earth, and every time we see Bruce Willis with a gun, it's a sure thing someone's gonna get shot. Ancient rituals, a perfect being, Bruce Willis and an all-you-can-kill buffet of explosions, gunfire and general mayhem. If you're looking for a great sci-fi movie, look no further!

The Transformers: The Movie (1986)

Transformers the Movie

[9/10 · 7 December 2005]

An awesome soundtrack and a cool plot, complete with new villains and heroes, Transformers the Movie will delight any fan. Fans of the cartoon will be sad to learn that Optimus Prime and Megatron both 'die'. But both won't stay down for long, as there are two sequels, in one of which Optimus Prime returns. Megatron is also rebuilt as Galvatron by the new villain, Unicron, a gigantic planet-sized Transformer.

There are several new things we meet. The Decepticons have taken over Cybertron, but the Autobots plot from Autobot City on Earth, and two secret moon bases, to retake the planet. An early attack on Autobot City leads to the final battle in which Prime fights past the bulk of the Decepticons to Megatron. Megatron 'wins', but Prime gets in his hits and leave Megatron barely alive. The Decepticons retreat, and Prime is taken for care.

Prime then tells of the Autobot Matrix of Leadership, a new item most fans have probably never heard of. With his last breaths, he passes the Matrix to the new leader, Ultra Magnus, and tells him the the Matrix shall one day light the Autobot's darkest hour.

Meanwhile on a shuttle back to Cybertron, the shuttle Astrotrain is too weak to complete the trip. Cargo is jettisoned, and the Decepticons loyal to Megatron are thrown into space, along with Megatron himself who still clings to life.

They are found by Unicron, the main villain. Unicron offers Megatron a new life in exchange for loyalty and the destruction of the Matrix of Leadership, the only thing Unicron fears. Megatron, faced with death as the alternative, bitterly accepts. Unicron then turns him into Galvatron, and his other minions into Galvatron's warriors. Blessed with a new body, name, and ship, Galvatron heads for Cybertron. Interrupting the coronation of Starscream as the new leader, Galvatron kills him with one shot. The Decepticons swear loyalty.

Unicron devours (yes, he EATS) the two Autobot moon bases. An outraged Galvatron whines that Cybertron and its moons belong to him. But then Galvatron gets the bad end of Unicron's deal: should Galvatron disobey him, Unicron can cause him pain. Unable to rebel, Galvatron leads the Decepticons to Earth to complete his mission.

The Autobots are rebuilding their city when Galvatron attacks. They flee to the shuttles. One shuttle with Hot Rod, Kup and the Dinobots crashes on the planet of the Quintessons. The other crashes on the planet Junk. Galvatron follows and confronts Ultra Magnus. Killing him, Galvatron claim the Matrix, claiming that with it, he can command Unicron instead of the other way around. Unicron is naturally livid, roaring out into the depths of space.

On the Quintessons' planet, Hot Rod and Kup are captured by the Quintessons, who play a bigger role in the grand scheme of things then this movie shows (we later find out they created all Transformers, and are the vanguards of Unicron). The Dinobots break in and rescue them. With a new mini-Transformer named Wheelie on their side, they escape.

The Autobots mourn for Ultra Magnus when a whole bunch of Junk Transformers rise from the rubble (as it's name should imply, the Junk planet is a giant trash yard of scrap metal). After a chase, the shuttle with Hot Rob and the others land. Peace is negotiated (along with some freaky dancing), and the Junkions rebuild Ultra Magnus- complete with 90 day warranty! (all Junkions quote television.) Also unearthing their own shuttle, the Junkions and the Autobots blast off for Cybertron.

Galvatron confronts Unicron, and yells that Unicron will obey him or die. But upon attempting to use the Matrix, Galvatron cannot. Even more angry, Unicron transforms to a winged human-like robot with fists the size of moons. He then decides his choice to spare Cybertron was incorrect, and attacks the planet. The Decepticons fight back. Galvatron tries to rebel again, but Unicron promptly eats him.

The Autobots crash into Unicron's eyes and try to destroy him. While they fight off his inner defenses, Hot Rod falls into a pit. He finds Galvatron, who appears passive. But with an order and another jolt of pain from Unicron, he attacks Hot Rod. Overpowering him and almost killing him, Galvatron gloats about how easy it is to kill Autobots. Hot Rod grab the Matrix around Galvatron's neck, and transforms to Rodimus Prime. He throws Galvatron into space and uses the Matrix to destroy Unicron. As the Autobots escape, Unicron explodes, his head flying away from the debris. With the Decepticons weakened, the Autobots easily retake Cybertron.

However, there are, as mentioned, sequels. Galvatron lives, and orbiting Cybertron is the disembodied head of Unicron. Also, it appears Starscream has a ghost, and Optimus Prime may live again. 'The Return of Optimus Prime' and 'Fives Faces of Darkness' round out an excellent trilogy. But even on its own, this movie is excellent.

That '70s Show (1998–2006)

Hilarious

[3 September 2005]

This is one of the best shows on TV in my opinion. There's a character for everyone. There's the nerdy Star Wars kid, the hot girl next door, the hippie anti-government guy, the moronic pretty boy, the rich snob, and the horny foreigner. We've also got the overbearing dad, the smothering mother, the hot mother next door, and her freakishly bad-tasted husband, and of course, the occasional showing of the old hippie. The way the teens try to deal with life as a whole, and slip past Red's constant 'Dumbasses', is sure to make you laugh. Serious subjects like marriage, sex, and pregnancy, become satire in this show. Even the serious moments, while few, are quickly lightened with a joke to make us laugh. If you haven't watch this show, you're missing out on a great sitcom.