Change Your Image
cptnhook13
Reviews
2012 (2009)
2,012 clichés in a single movie!
Wow. This rancid trough of gruel may be the worst movie EVER made. Let's get right to the checklist of goods:
Divorced couple/failure father/mom with new rich boyfriend/torn kids? check.
Indian that constantly says "my friend" and "sir?" check.
African-American stoic President? check.
Smug, smarmy, fat, know it all, government guy? check.
Secret so big that it couldn't possibly be kept a secret? check.
Crazy wacky mad genius living in the woods? check.
Scientist with a cane and an Einstein accent? check.
Hero that can drive/sail/pilot/commandeer/ride/skate through ANY kind of danger? check.
I have to stop there, because that's just the first 30 minutes - but you get the idea. How this garbage gets a green light, funded, promoted, and made is beyond me. What is worse is that people pay for it - dearly. In this case, your money is the easy part of what you lose; the brain cells destroyed will not be replaced. Awful. Terrible. As punishment, I made myself watch infomercials for 2 hours and 40 minutes - including the Shake Weight, the Sobakawa Buckwheat Pillow, and Gilbert Godfrey's Shoedini over and over again to clear my mind.
I'm considering registering for a Tony Robbins seminar - so I can blow $200 that could otherwise potentially be spent within 100 yards of a movie theater in the next year. I will NOT allow this to happen ever again. This film is that bad.
Maternal Instincts (1996)
Tons of Fun!!
One of the most hilarious LMN movies ever!!! From the yowling of Tracy (Delta Burke) to the 20+ pentatonic/minor variations of "Hush Little Baby," this masterpiece delivers what angry fat women want: Angry fat women with a HUNGER for getting even!!
Watching obsessed, momma-wannabe Tracysaurus Rex lose her mind after a life-saving hysterectomy is just the start of the good times. She waddles through the scenes with maniacal precision, crushing a baby crib, beating the cheese out of her wimpy husband, and (reluctantly) tossing a pint of chocolate ice cream at the TV showing her nemesis. All of these gross actions are done with a yeti-like power yelp that would send Xena running for the nearest cave.
Her Terminator-esquire mission is to get the revenge she deserves on the doctor that wronged her, and she'll stop at NOTHING to finish the job. Well, other than a few stops for food along the way. Her resolve knows no boundaries, nor does her "appetite" for vengeance.
A must-see for real LMN fans. You'll laugh at least 10 lbs away!
The New World (2005)
Best sleep I've had in weeks
Quite possibly the most boring "epic" ever envisioned; If you like no dialog, lots of trees, swirling random cameras, trees, grass, silence, and trees, this is the movie for you. It's a mind-numbing 2+ hours that you'll never get back. You might actually hate yourself.
I'm sure the actual story of John Smith and the Native American girl (never called by her name) is somewhat interesting. This version is not. In fact, it's awful.
When I could no longer take it, I killed the DVD and lo an behold - I found 'Under Siege' on the Encore Action channel (for the 47th time this month). Despite being a joke of a movie, it held my interest in a gross kind of way. And it buried 'The New World.'
Too Close to Home (1997)
Judith Light is Ugly...and so is her personality
Wow - this was one EVIL mother. I'm sure we all know someone with an overbearing mum, but this was just ridiculous. The only thing more infuriating than her sociopathic meddling was the ignorance of her son (played by Ricky "Rick" Schroeder). You would think that if he was smart enough to be a brilliant attorney (?), he would be able to put two and two together when very bad things started to happen.
Attorney Rick has lived his entire life up to this point somehow accepting his mother's involvement in every aspect of his life. It's almost uncomfortable to the viewer; she behaves like an incestuous mother and they bicker and make-up like a creepy couple. Things get really out of hand when he flies the coop and attempts to become a normal independent 30-year-old man...
Overall, a classic example of a great Lifetime movie: has-beens, decent acting, good plot, a 'strong' or psychotic woman, and at least one character that infuriates the hell out of you. 6 out of 10.
Calendar Girl, Cop, Killer? The Bambi Bembenek Story (1992)
"...Disco Freddy got a vasectomy..."
That was an actual line from the movie. For real. The movie is a pretty good interpretation of the sensational 80s recipe of lust, betrayal, revenge, and cops.
For some reason, the directors chose Timothy Busfield as the hunky, suave, debonair, sexy and disco-ee Fred "Disco Freddy" Schultz, a cop with some baggage. Viewers are treated to the always-red Busfield in snakeskin speedos, an uncomfortably corny wet t-shirt contest, and an endless array of semi nude poses that all beg the eighties plea, "Get a room!" Not only are we supposed to believe that he is a "fox" (yes - they use that term as well), but also quite a tough guy. Who did he beat out for the part - Bronson Pinchot?!
Lindsay Frost does an adequate job portraying the hard-luck Laurencia 'Bambi' Bembenek, and in yet another nauseating appearance, Linda Blair is resurrected as an insignificant filler.
No one in this Lifetime bonanza is likable. In fact, you start to think everyone got what they deserved. Watch it if you enjoy a good bad Lifetime movie!
The Rundown (2003)
The Rock is cookin' crap soup!
What an awful movie. I'll be brief:
Lots of snappy, smartass one-liners in this homo-erotic action adventure comedy wannabee. Pay attention to the constant flirting between the two main characters.
Stifler from 'American Pie' is in it, and he NEVER shuts up. Like Stifler? You won't after his incredibly annoying yapping. Hate Stifler? You'll hate him even more in his role as an unrealistic, rugged, Stanford-type, treasure hunter.
Rock can kill 10 guys at once, but can't detect the booby traps I made when I was in first grade. Rock winces when slapped, but emerges from 400-foot cliff slips and 30 MPH tree-branch collisions unscathed!
Christopher Walken plays a weird villain that talks funny and wears a treasure-hunter-in-the-jungle hat! Original!
I kept waiting for George Hamilton or Jan Michael Vincent or maybe Gregory Harrison to appear - but I couldn't get that far. It would have at least made me laugh.
Man on Fire (2004)
Man on Dramamine
I don't know if I'm nauseous from the another robotic performance by the overrated 'Den-ZEHL' or from the nonstop Blair Witch Project stop-n-jerk filming. Okay mr creative director - we get it: you like to mix your black and whites with pastels and you like to move the camera at neato angles every 2 seconds. Enough already.
This movie was awful enough for me to proclaim it in a review. Den-ZEHL was cool in 1990 - that was the FIRST time he played the role of an emotionless dolt more than ten years ago. It's getting old. Now he plays the same character, this time named Greasy. Team him up with the charming duo of Christopher Walken and Mickey Rourke and you've got a comedy - only its unintentional. The plot was horrible. Nothing was believable, starting with the family hiring a drunk has-been mercenary to watch their princess. And what's up with her? She speaks like she's 8 going on 48, and that creepy diary? Creepy! Gross!
Did anyone else notice that no one was pursuing Greasy? Every explosion scene had him walking in, around or through a giant fireball to save or nab someone, all the while wearing his fancy suits and not breaking a sweat in the hot Mexican sun. And do these sprawling crowded cities in Mexico have police or at least concerned citizens? I could go on and on, but I'm seriously queasy from this cinematic garbage.
Creature (1998)
A Mad Magazine spoof of Jaws!
I don't want to beat a dead squid, but Peter Benchley needs to get over his obsession with scary creatures in dark water. Put the pen down and go for a swim!
The writers covered it all - opening scene of a mysterious brutal death beneath the surface that outrages the locals, an under-appreciated 'expert' in marine biology (complete with sharkbait son), the skeptical townsfolk, the local police chief that doesn't want to ruin the reputation of his beaches, lots of fog at random moments of suspense, etc...
The special effects are, well, not especially effective and the acting is annoying at best. If you want to enjoy this trainwreck, play the 'Chase' drinking game (Craig T. Nelson's character is Chase) and take a swig every time someone yells it out. You'll be feeling good by the second commercial break!