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Apex Survival: Maiden Voyage (2019)
Not a film about Great Whites at all!! A con job
When a documentary about Great White sharks has an intro that describes 'strong,smart independent women' in it you know that something is terribly wrong with it.
This has to be the worst 60 minutes of any film ever made regarding the Great White, it is literally incredible how awful it is.
The film is essentially some very strange vehicle for the three females involved in it, there are around 40 minutes of them being shot posing provocatively in various states of virtual undress in their skimpy wetsuits, it was like watching a behind the scenes video for the Pirelli calendar shoot. I sat there thinking whether this was actually a joke?
After 55 minutes they finally went in the water and found no sharks!!
The films poster is intended to make you think this is going to be something like an oceanic odyssey of discovery whereas in reality it was all shot on one day on shore.
I have never witnessed such a contemptible pile of garbage supposedly concerning the Great White, this was a promo video for three young women, it is utterly bizarre.
To read that someone gave this an all star review just shows how desperate the film makers are to try and get attention, I actually feel embarrassed for everyone involved in this because instead of boosting their profiles this will kill off any interest in them because they have very cynically tried to extort people's genuine interest in these sharks to further their own very odd desire for attention.
You have no idea just how bad this is trust me.
L'empire de la perfection (2018)
Such a terrible terrible self indulgent pile of rubbish
If you think that this film will show you anything to do with John McEnroe or indeed give you any insight into tennis, the French Open etc etc then do not waste your money.
This film should never have been released it is that bad.
Essentially some ex French tennis coach ( who never coached any professional players ) who is now literally 100 years old used to film many of the matches at Roland Garros in a typically French attempt at trying to unlock and discover the key to creating a true champion ( last time I looked Renee Lacoste was the only player who actually won anything! ) This being French and clearly pretentious meant that he amassed hundreds of cine cam reels of footage. The footage wasn't like you would see in a normal match, ie baseline to baseline, it was simply footage of a player om the baseline. In this case the idiot who directed this film decided they would use McEnroe to build the film around, although you only see McEnroe hit literally 30 balls. This film is balls.
It is quite simply scene after scene of close up shots of McEnroe on the baseline at Roland Garros, hitting a few serves, some in slow-mo some not and generally chatting away to himself and the umpires/lines judges in his usual way. All the while there is the most ludicrous commentary of pseudo sports science, philosophical nonsense that somehow is applied to one man playing tennis and then utterly awful cut scenes that show camera film calibrations and other rubbish.
Imagine a French art student being asked to make a film that loosely concerns some old man who used to be a tennis coach and was allowed to film every single match at Roland Garros for many years to analyse the sport, ask them to try and create some mythical, magical, almost poetic narrative to run alongside it, full of deep philosophical ramblings and then times this by 1000, you may get somewhere near what this disaster was.
The trailer for this film would have you believe it is a documentary about McEnroe at Roland Garros, it is not, instead it is likely the most embarrassing mess that I have ever watched.
Go on I dare you, watch this film and then tell me that you don't agree?
Get Shorty (2017)
Never takes off..slow, plodding, cliche and bad acting ..
Episode 4 in and ive now deleted the next episodes.
It became incredibly dull and lost all momentum after episode 2.
Absolutely nothing we haven't seen before and no sense of freshness.
O'Dowd cant hold a lead role and comes across as extremely wooden in this, he just doesn't do 'man of violence' in any way, shape or form and as such you cant take him seriously. He clearly didn't know how to handle the role and his acting was muddled. The make up was poor and cosmetics of someone who had been beaten up were amateurish at best.
It felt very cliché at times and you could guess where the lines were going.
Overall it just felt very cheap and not well produced and the casting was very poor aswell but again the low budget feel is reflected in the choice of cast.
Logan Lucky (2017)
Seriously bad, embarrassing for the actors in it..
You will not believe how bad this film was...
The writing was tragically bad and every single scene supposedly meant to be funny was cringeworthy to watch..
Good cast but let down by shambolic writing.
Anyone who rates this is quite frankly unqualified to have an opinion on film..
Jeepers Creepers 3 (2017)
Jeepers Creepers Franchise Is Now Dead
The director Salva should never be allowed to set foot on a film set again after this absolute car crash.
To have single handily destroyed what was an amazing franchise takes a special kind of moron.
I have never seen such a horrifically bad attempt at a film in recent years and that's saying something as I had to sit through Dunkirk this summer! The Creeper is finished, it was as if they deliberately set out to destroy the character.
Don't pay to watch this crap just download for free on any site, no-one deserves to profit from this.
Ravenous (1999)
Seen it so many times I've lost count, never get bored of it, brilliant film..
If only todays film makers could make anything even half as good as this then all would be well.
This film is brilliantly shot, acted and executed and is what I would consider to be a cult classic.
Just watch it...
The Hitman's Bodyguard (2017)
Film Is Truly Dead When Things Like This Can Get Made
OK its now time that we put the film industry out of its misery and destroy it so that it can be rebuilt so others in the future can enjoy talent and creativity. When films like this can get financed and then made you know that everything is lost. There are no words to describe how terrible this film is, its not actually a film. When the director and production team watched this film after edit did they not put their head in their hands and silently wonder if they should go into hiding?
The industry no longer relies on talent to support itself instead it allows films like this and the utterly terrible Dunkirk to be made and then uses hilariously fake critics like Mark Kermode to claim they are works of genius etc.
From now on I will only watch films via free websites as I can no longer support an industry that has so little integrity or talent and is scamming all of us. I can only hope that others follow suit and we kill off this monster of commercialism that has been created and something rises from the ashes.
Dunkirk (2017)
Very Very Disappointed
I was so spectacularly disappointed with this film and found so many areas of its story just so badly executed. Its so sad to see how films like this create an almost placebo like effect with movie goers falling over themselves to describe them as being the most breathtaking cinematic events they have ever seen when in reality they are just simply passable. Why am I saying this? I feel that Christopher Nolan failed in an almost epic scale to show the true scale of men, machines and vessels that were on those beaches during the evacuation. At no time did It feel that there were anymore than 500 men on the beaches and this itself was so poor and ineptly executed. If this film had been made 30 years ago by a seasoned director then there would have literally been 4000 extras used to create the atmosphere and cinematography required, and yet this film just relied on some CGI of a few hundred?
There were several scenes that seriously made absolutely no sense for example hundreds of men all lined up on the jetty in possession of their rifles ( 303 Lee Enfields ) and when the inevitable German Stuka bomber made its way towards them on a bombing run all of them (apart from one bloke) instead of aiming their hundreds of rifles towards the air and at least giving something back to the enemy before their fates were sealed, they all just decided to duck and hold their tin hats? It was just stupid and not a human response in conflict. There were no rudimentary light machine gun positions with Bren guns to provide any form of token anti-aircraft screen and it was just really really poor. Im not looking for the film to be some gung ho war film but it deserved to be realistic and it wasn't.
Kenneth Brannaghs role in the film felt was under whelming and just didn't work. I found his acting his usual one dimensional self when playing an historical British figure although the one he played in this was just a fictional character. Again Nolan invented parts of the story as at no point did any Sea Lord or Admiral set foot on the beaches to either orchestrate or pass on instructions or messages, this again showed just how weak the story-telling was.
I found the idea that there were only three Spitfires available on that given day just stupid and again resembled nothing like what actually happened.
The way the story jumped around and Cillian Murphys slight back story ( one scene from when he was picked up ) was again poorly handled and just didn't work.
Again the director spectacularly failed to impress upon us the true scale of what it was like to be there and also at the end the actual number of small crafts that were involved. The scene where Mark Rylance looks across the horizon at a gaggle of no more than 30 boats was just totally underwhelming.
The scenes where the soldiers go onto the beached trawler was quite frankly non-sensical, were the British soldiers practicing their marksmanship and if so why??? Bearing in mind the last thing any troops who had just been in combat for the past few weeks would be needing to do whilst sat on a beach waiting for rescue was to worry about re-zeroing their weapons?? Or was it the advancing Germans? Again why would German troops be looking at practicing their marksmanship skills when they were already in contact and about to re-engage with the enemy? The whole trawler thing was just so inept especially when the troops only decided to get out of it when it was literally submerged?
For anyone who even in passing studied the Dunkirk evacuation this film was an utter mess but even worse it really failed to honour the story and the lives of those involved.
There is a terrible lack of talent in film making these days, people don't dare question such films and like sheep just follow the hype....
It Comes at Night (2017)
Laughably Bad
At the end of this film I was left utterly speechless that something as horrifically inept and utterly awful could ever have been made or released. This film truly shakes your ability to believe that there are any people left in film making with any talent. Im not actually sure how anyone associated with this garbage should ever be allowed to work in film again but as we see with films such as 'La La Land' sometimes talent less idiots just make films for other talent less idiots. There is nothing to this film, nothing to its story and nothing to any feeling or emotion it invokes so don't pay a penny to watch it.
The people who made this film should be utterly embarrassed and utterly ashamed and ultimately take a good look at themselves and realise that film making is just not for them....
Insidious: Chapter 2 (2013)
A truly shockingly awful film..laughable
I saw the first and thought it was good, this however is simply a prime example of the crass commercialism of the film industry.
Every person involved in the making of this film should hang their heads in shame. Every 30 seconds your TV volume will jump 300 decibels as yet another inane shot of a window breaking, ghost appearing out of somewhere or door slamming will occur.
The script is so clumsy im sure it was written by a 12 year old.
My favourite scene to emphasise just how bad this film was is the bit when the two ghost hunters are in the van and agree that no safety word will be given to whoever his name is as they will know when he will be in trouble. Whoever his name is then has a 3 minute conversation with an evil spirit ( yawn ) but wait the two others only come to his rescue when they hear he has a knife!!! Gadzooks!! Insulting really.
Good luck if you like it, you're keeping talentless morons in swimming pools and wild egos...
As for the actors, their lack of professional integrity surprised me..
Lawless (2012)
A very very poor film
Im sorry but if you consider this film to have been 'good' or 'enjoyable' then you probably should consider not writing reviews on film. The film was truly awful, it was incredibly dull and had an incredibly cheap feel to it. At times I heard myself groaning at just how bad certain scenes were and almost laughed when the two males that Tom Hardy dispatched with a knuckle duster, one whose throat was crushed, the other knocked out cold miraculously were able to get up, grinning and unharmed and then proceed to cut Hardys characters throat?? As for Gary Oldmans role in the film Im at a loss? Friend of the director possibly? Guy Pearces character was so outlandish and out of place in the film that it was embarrassing to watch. The final shoot-out scene was really the last straw for me, Hardys character having just been shot in the shoulder reloads his pistol and walks menacingly towards Pearce, teeth gritted, pistol aimed straight at Pearce and yet miraculously Pearce manages to draw his own gun and shoot Hardy god knows how many times without Hardy getting a shot off? None of it seems believable to the viewer, its as if the director thought he would get a great cast and then see if he could make a film around them? Anyway the jokes on me as I paid to watch this rubbish..gutted.