eah51 Reviews

The Collapsed (2011)

Do we really need any more running around in the woods with a camera movies?

[2/10 · 11 December 2015]

Ugh, here we go, in no particular order, is my list of problems with this movie. (may or may not contain spoilers, how do you spoil something that's already bad?)

Strange whispering voices & sounds in the wind, rustling tree branches, no explanations for anything that happens, characters you learn to hate so quickly that you are happy when they get killed, horrible dialog, wooden acting, way too many POV jerky camera movements, a harsh & jarring soundtrack that's dubbed too loudly, drowning out the voices of the annoying actors (maybe this was a blessing?)

I still have no idea what this movie was supposed to be about? dysfunctional families? survival? some deep philosophical commentary on modern society? a low budget monster movie who's budget was so small, they couldn't even afford any monsters? annoying sisters who stop to shave their legs in the woods?

Watch it if you like bad movies, just don't have high expectations and you'll enjoy the jaunt through the woods

Ice Queen (2005 Video)

It's worse than you think it will be, trust me, way worse.

[1/10 · 11 July 2009]

I'm not going to recap every flaw in this movie, others already have and it would take way too long. I'm just going to hit a few of the most memorable moments and ask some questions that the movie didn't answer.....

Who was that military unit and who was attacking them? Was that even in the script, or just some leftover footage from another movie? Who was the guy who killed the pilot? Where'd he come from and what made him decide to fly the plane?

They spent way too long in the bar scene, who walks around a bar with a wet t-shirt before the contest? How much money did she really need for "law school" anyway? her story keeps changing. I'm guessing she keeps using her tuition on breast implants and trashy clothes.

Any chance to believe anything in this movie vanished when the 911 operator hung-up on the bartender after calling him a drunk. Why didn't he keep calling? or call someone else? Why were there 7 people at the lodge and 30 cars in the parking lot?

Who was the Dr? What was his story? Why did they stay in the same part of the lodge, just going back and forth? Why didn't they try to escape? Why didn't they start a fire, with all that wood laying around, to stay warm and scare the ice queen away? No point in trying to be logical now.

The only reason to watch this movie is seeing a bimbo in the thinest possible clothes, a tight top, a short skirt and high heels running around in the snow and freezing temperatures, with no winter clothing and she never makes an attempt to find any. It's obviously not really cold, she'd have gotten frostbite on her toes in a few minutes in those shoes! Even before the avalanche, who dresses like that at a ski area in the winter?

I could go on, bad special effects, lame sets, no real snow, horrible continuity, bad acting, but my review is starting to look like the movie, a disorganized mess. This movie should get zero stars, can we have a zero star choice please?

Jeepers Creepers (2001)

Sit back and enjoy the ride, just get out of the way if you see any demonic trucks

[5/10 · 19 March 2007]

This movie is fun and I enjoy it every time it comes on.

That truck of his was bad to the bone. It must've had a supercharger under that giant hood, not to mention 3 or 4 locomotive air horns. What year was that wreck built? When in the past did they use demonic milk trucks anyway?

Wouldn't you notice a truck like that cruising the roads where you live? Especially if people kept disappearing on a regular basis. How bad are the local police? Oh wait, that question gets answered in the movie.

The best scene is when cat crazy granny cracks the annoying brother in the jewels with the shotgun, makes me laugh out loud every time.

The sister is hot, the brother is annoying and stupid. The only flaw in the plot is they don't kill him off sooner.

Not sure those cars had floor shifters? I guess it's an after market addition?

Stinger (2005)

If I could give this a 0, or a -5, I would.

[1/10 · 17 March 2007]

I'm a fan of low budget B-movies and campy horror flicks, but this was too much, even for me.

If you can get past the weak plot, the cheesy effects and the uninspired acting, then the horrible writing will kill you, or you'll wish it would. The dialog was most likely written by high school stoners, who thought that saying "sir, yes sir" over and over again, made these guys sound more military.

The characters were all the typical cardboard stereotypes: Gung-ho sarge, sorta gung-ho other guy with sensitive side, evil scientist with secret agenda (bald or course), bitchy brainy chick who would be hot if she tried too, dumb sexy chick with vital piece of information, idiot "genius" nerd, random other sorta military dudes who die soon enough, and spoiler character alert, crazy scientist who was in charge "until something went horribly wrong" Oh yeah, I almost forgot, there is a secret military (navy?) submarine, sitting on the ocean floor, 5 minutes from HQ (or so it seems), full of radioactive scorpions (ok?) and dead bodies. Your mission is vague and poorly defined.....

If you watch this, don't say you weren't warned.

Glass Trap (2005)

The only reason to see this movie is Siri Baruc

[5/10 · 4 February 2007]

I'm a fan of monster movies, and sci-fi in general. That being said, the only reason to see this movie is Siri Baruc. She is easy on the eyes and brings some energy to her part. She does the best she can with such a lousy script. Stella Stevens steals every scene she is in, thanks to her own initiative I'm sure. She should work more often. I give C. Thomas Howell an OK as the heroic male lead with the troubled past.

The rest of the cast are more like generic stereotypes of characters, than actual people. Some of them have laughable moments, but you are never sure if the humor is intentional or due to ineptness on part of the production team.

It's a toss-up as to which is worse, the script or the direction. The props and effects aren't very realistic, which is OK as I wasn't expecting much from them given all the other issues with this film.

I got the feeling that they didn't even have permission to be in this building and just found one that was unlocked on some holiday weekend when most everyone was out of town.

The whole "photo shoot" subplot felt like footage from a different movie, and could have been until a few scenes near the end. All the other scenes could've been filmed at any shopping center in the US or Canada.

FYI: For those of you with a high heel fetish, you'll like this movie for the numerous close ups of women's high heels and several references to them during the movie. Siri and Stella at their best.

I could break down individual scenes and what was wrong with them, but I just don't have the strength.

I feel embarrassed to know this much about this movie. If I wasn't a fan of Siri's work, I'm sure that one viewing would've been enough.

Watch it if you like campy sci-fi and cheesy monster movies, as I do. Skip this movie if you are a realist, have a strong attention to detail or get annoyed easily.

Midnight Kiss (1993)

I want those 2 hours of my life back.

[1/10 · 24 January 2007]

I gave this movie a 1 because they won't allow 0's or negative numbers. The acting is horrible, every character is a walking cliché. The dialog is so cheesy, at times you can see the actors trying not to laugh as they say their lines.

Although is says it was done in 1993, the cast all look like they were extras in 80's cop shows like Miami Vice, and not in a good way.

The stiff playing the vampire is so bad (acting and looking), you want him to die 10 minutes into the movie. Actually, you want them all to die, as soon as possible.

I could break down many other plot points or scenes as to why they were awful, but I simply don't have the strength.

Don't watch this movie, unless you enjoy bad movies.

Hollywood Homicide (2003)

OK, not great

[3/10 · 23 February 2005]

It was OK movie, it could've been a lot better, it had the potential. The characters were predictable and the plot was basic formula, no memorable twists or surprises. (if this in itself is a twist, consider yourself warned) Harrison is getting too old for all the stunts and action they had him doing, by the same token, the young, athletic sidekick was underused in this same capacity. The body double shots and lack of continuity was painfully obvious with Harrison's character, couldn't they afford better wigs for the stunt men than that? The all star cameo's seemed forced, contrived, and added in last minute. The chase scenes also seemed tedious, overly long, drawn out, and almost filler to make this train wreck waste the full 2 hours.

Arrival II (1998)

lame, lame, lame

[2/10 · 23 February 2005]

Lame, poorly written, poorly acted, poorly directed, lame special effects, too many specific problems to list them all. It's a pure waste of time. Which is a shame, because if anyone involved in this movie had any talent at all, they could've made a decent movie from this premise. The only reason it gets a 2 instead of a 1 is the fact it's a sci-fi movie, and I'm a sci-fi fan. Don't worry, there isn't any plot twists or plot to spoil with this review. They do spend a lot of time trying not to get pulled into huge, but poorly defined, and unseen vortexes (sp?) (cue the big fans blowing their hair, clothes, and random pieces of paper around). Am I up to ten lines yet? There should be a five or six line limit, ten is just a waste of 0's and 1's on a movie like this.