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queenb80
actor. Laura Linney is my fave actress.Sydney Pollak and Alan Parker are my favorite directors. My fave bands are Pink Floyd, The Decemberists, Barenaked Ladies,White Zombie, Oingo Boingo and Otis Redding. In my spare time I write, kickbox,counsel victims of rape and sexual abuse and hang out with friends. I'm pro-choice and pro-gay rights.
My top 20 Favorite Films of all time are:
1- Jaws
2- Amadeus
3- Boogie Nights
4- Black Christmas
5- Garden State
6- Paperchase
7- Supertroopers
8- Best in Show
9- Assault of the party nerds
10- Night of the demons
11- Anchorman
12- American Beauty
13- Dead Poet's Society
14- People vs. Larry Flynt
15- House of 1000 Corpses
16- Wet Hot American Summer
17- Virgin High
18- Ski School
19- Vision Quest
20- Freak Talks about sex
Reviews
Naked Sins (2006)
Confusing motives and hot sex
So, have you ever been watching a movie and wondered if the writer just skipped out when it was time to write the ending? As if he knew he had to wrap it up but instead opted for Nickle Beer night at the Tap and Cap and gave the job to his room-mate with ADHD? Well for me, that movie is Naked Sins. It's about a duo of ex lovers who operate a discreet sex service with the usual bored housewives and horny project managers. Both of them are getting some extra on the side from their clientèle. When one of their clients ends up dead it's up to master thespian and spy Jordan Styles to solve the mystery. She makes sure to take time out for a nookie break and to essentially trip over every line she is given to say. Joe Souza nails his part and proves that he is heads and tales above the average softcore stud. Glen Meadows makes the most of his supporting role as a love-struck employee in love with Jordan's s character, who's acting style varies between total apathy and confusion. The sex scenes are very good and worth watching but the other reviewer hit it when he said the plot falls apart. The ending is tacked on with a motive that even the actor's themselves are confused by. If you're looking for some hot simulated sex scenes, the flick delivers. If you want more you may want to skip this.
Black Tie Nights (2004)
Matchmaking, romance and comedy proves to be a perfect combo for show
I had heard about this cable erotica show a long time ago but never had to chance to watch it in as I did not have Skinemax. On a whim my husband and I decided to rent it from the online video store and I was pleasantly surprised. The show revolves around two best friends, Olivia and Cooper, who decide to start a dating service. Olivia is a recent widow recovering from losing the love of her life. Cooper is a commitment- phobic wild child. Together they team up with Ryan, an associate math professor who lends a male perspective to the business. Each show centers around the latest match-up (which usually leads to sex on the first date) and their own private love lives. Ryan and Cooper share witty and flirtatious banter which eventually culminates in them becoming a couple. Olivia struggles to move on from the death of her husband, Vince. The show is not your average erotica series where the dialog scenes are mere filler for the sex scenes. The dialog is witty, interesting and at times even heart felt. The characters are not one-dimensional stereotypes. They range from a blind sculptor and a model who feels she has lost her looks at age thirty, to an interior designer and architect who find love in a haunted house. Olivia's struggle to find love again is portrayed with deep sensitivity by Amy Lindsay. Tiffany Bolton is cute and mischievous as Cooper. Ryan Lundy (played by Glen Meadows) is probably the most endearing of the characters because he shows a wide range of sensitive nerd, genius business-man and even passionate lover. The show was picked up for a second season with Meadows and his real life wife, Beverly Lynne (who portrays lovable free spirit Candy in a few first season episodes) running the agency. The sex scenes are plentiful but tastefully done. They are tension-filled, erotic , and fun to watch. The show is funny and sexy and definitely worth purchasing for someone looking for something sexy, rather than trashy.
Clarks (2002)
Great Short
This is a short film by Steven Shea that combines all of Kevin Smith's films into one 22 minute mini movie. It stars Anthony Demaris and Tom Procyk as two video store clerks named "Clark". The film is about the cold hard reality of retail jobs and finding the humor in the situation. Demaris also co-wrote the script and he delivers a witty and sarcastic performance with a charming smile. Procyk is the perfect Jeff Anderson (Randall for Clerks)twin and nails the part with a sly grin and dead on comic timing. "Clarks" tips it's hat to many 80s favorites in scenes that have to be seen to be believed. It is hilarious, intelligent and satirical. Rounding out the cast are Chris Marberry and Bryan Merrigan as Jay and Silent Bob's doppelgangers. The short manages to pack in comedy, great music and more 80s references than an episode of "Square Pegs". All in all a fantastic short film that deserves more than a second look.
Hardbodies 2 (1986)
Guilty Pleasures indeed
I know what you're thinking...Why did anyone give this movie an 8? Well, the movie isn't your typical jiggle and giggle fest from the 80s. It concerns the cast of a soft core movie filming in Greece and the relationships and comedy that go along with shooting. Brad Zutaut plays the young actor who falls in love with a Greek waitress and persuades her to play his leading lady in the film and in his real life. He already has an annoying fiancé who spends all his money and with holds sex from him. The leading lady is played by one of the most beautiful actresses of the 80s (or anytime for that matter)Fabiana Udenio. She does an excellent job.James Karen makes the most of his role as a cheating film director. If Zutaut looks familiar you may have seen him in L.A. Goddess and Knockouts but most importantly you may know him for his later work. He left acting and went on to become the CEO of Xingtone; a company that makes people able to up load their favorite songs onto their cell phone and not just the stupid top 40 crap they advertise on the tele. He has done the world a great service.When you're watching this film you can tell he's too good for it. He's charming and has great screen presence. I actually liked this film better than the original and that's because of Brad Zutaut. Three cheers for Brad Zutaut. Master thespian! Comic Genius! Man who made it possible for my cell phone to play "And we danced" by the Hooters. That alone is reason to give his film an 8! Watch this film if you have an hour and a half free or if you can't find the remote.
Let's Talk About Sex (1998)
Let's Talk about huh?
I happen to love the actresses in this movie. Paget Brewster is one of the most under-rated actresses of any time. The movie (in a nut shell)is about someone making a documentary about sex and trying to sell it to a network. She enlists her friends to help her and a good time is had by all. This is all well and good but the ending to this film was so bad that I have to share it so that no other unsuspecting person doesn't rent the movie. There's a mix up with the tapes and the documentary ends up being erased and replaced with a lesbian sex tape. So what would you do in this situation? I would scream or yell or get even but these women...they...CLEAN! Yes, that's right they run around the house in hysterics, tears streaming down their faces, dumping Comet on the tile and trying to clean. I didn't know whether to throw my high heel at the TV or just start laughing. Another reviewer wrote that this film made women look like emotionally unstable idiots. To be fair, most of us are, sometimes. This movie made women seem like sad, annoying, some what psychotic, estrogen crazies.
Staying on Top (2001)
the Joys of Insomnia
I was up at around 5:00am and happened to find this little soft-core flick on showtime. I wasn't expecting much but was really happy to find that the movie was more than just the usual simulated sex and bad acting. It actually had a plot; a plot that I cared about and forced myself to stay up till 7 to find out how it ended. My husband had long since passed out but I was still wondering what was going to happen. It's about this executive named Catherine who quits her job after her mean boss, Cindy, steals an account from her. Catherine decides to go out on her own and start her own firm. The ending was pretty predictable but it was still a fun movie to watch. The things I loved were the story line was believable, the boyfriend looked like a hot regular guy (as opposed to the usual soft core studs who look like male strippers) and the only reason I gave it a 7 was because the version I saw had zero frontal nudity and was cut severely . The script was actually very good. The acting wasn't bad either. I'm ordering my steamy unrated copy right now.
Ski School (1991)
Put that in your pipe and smoke it...
I never saw Ski school because I was looking for Citizen Cane on the slopes. I saw it because Dean Cameron was in it and that was enough reason for me. I wasn't disappointed at all. It's about this ski team (Section 8) of misfits who basically ski very well but also love to play practical jokes on the uptight ski team. They get threatened with being thrown off the slopes and must retaliate. The best thing about this movie (other than the multi-talented team of Dean Cameron and Stuart Fratkin) is that most of the script was written by them. The movie plays like a bunch of guys goofing around (Helium theater is my favorite). in short, this film kicks a**.
My Little Eye (2002)
Shook me to my core
When my brother first told me about this little horror film he watched I thought that it would be kind of boring. However when I ordered a copy of it and watched it I realized that I've never been more wrong about anything in my life. The film is shot on video cameras and every scene makes you uncomfortable, as if someone is scratching a black board.The plot is simple: five strangers picked to live in a house for six months for a million dollars. If anyone leaves during the six months, everyone loses. The characters aren't the most developed. You have the wacky jerky guy, the slut, the hot guy, the mentally off guy, and the quiet girl. The first half of the film is a little boring. We are getting to know our characters and we are (in our minds)deciding who will be the one to lose it and kill the rest? Right? WRONG! When I watched the second half of the film and realized what was going on, that's when I started hiding under my hands and my heart was beating a million miles a minute. And even when I thought I knew what was going on, then it got even scarier.The cast are mostly unknowns but one familiar face was Bradley Cooper. Bradley Cooper is the kind of guy that can play a jerky frat guy (ala Wedding Crashers), a sexy chef (Kitchen Confidential) or a sadistic sicko (My little eye) and be great in every role.I suggest not listening to all the people who say they hate this movie and just watch it for yourself to decide. I watched it with the lights off and it made it a lot scarier. I love horror films but the horror films I adore are the ones that disturb me. To be shaken to my core by 90 minutes of film is awesome. I"m going to go watch it again...
Jaws: The Revenge (1987)
Sharks Do Not Roar!
This movie gets a 5 for the fun and cheese but even that can't save it from being one of the worst movies I've ever seen. Apparently Chief Brody died of a heart attack sometime between when the shark took a vacation to Sea World and then decided to follow his wife to the islands. Following in his foot steps as the town police chief, Sean is now a grown man. I'll make this short. Sean gets eaten. Mrs. Brody goes to the Islands to hang out with her other son, Mike (Lance Guest wondering when they will make a sequel to The Last Starfighter). Mike has become a marine biologist and has decided to follow the shark with his friend Jake (Mario Van Peebles who is a good actor even in this movie). Long story short. Mrs Brody starts knocking boots with Michael "how did I get here?" Cain and the shark eats some people. There are two things that make me mad about this flick. First of all, sharks do not roar like dinosaurs. They don't roar..EVER. Second of all there are two versions of this movie. In one version Jake dies and in another he manages to survive being nearly eaten by the shark and have a good laugh about it. WHY?????
Firstborn (1984)
Coke Hos in Suburbia on the next Geraldo
I didn't give this movie a high score because watching it makes me want to kill myself. It's the story of Jake, a young man who's mom starts dating a stranger who introduces his mom to cocaine and things start to go awry...The shocking thing is his mom is played by (GASP) Terri Garr. Sweet, kind Terri Garr starts dealing cocaine out of their home and doesn't have the good sense to kick this loser out when he starts beating her kids. Her other son (Corey Haim) is getting into fights at school which is kinda hard to believe since he's like 3'9. The drug dealer boyfriend is portrayed by Peter (yes, Robocop himself) Weller and he doesn't change facial expressions, once. It's a sad movie that you should watch only if you follow it up with Anchorman so you don't commit suicide. Enjoy.
Slugs, muerte viscosa (1988)
Huh?
"Slugs" is the kind of movie that you watch with a group of people so you can make fun of it. It is not well acted, well scripted or well cast. It's awful! Something is turning garden slugs into nasty man eaters. A local health inspector decides to get to the bottom of things, even if that means going down to the sewers. This film really is bad! It has a cast that has no idea if they are from America or Spanish, including a naked Sammy Hagar look-a-like. It has some very nasty scenes which will put you off salad eating for a few years. Team that with gratuitous sex and animals and people being devoured by slugs and you have the movie. Check out the great shot of the slug with fangs...?????
Night of the Demons (1988)
Happy Halloween, Dear...
If there's on thing Kevin Tenney knows, it's horror movies. He makes great ones and this is no exception. If there's one thing Dennis Tenney knows it's music. You put the two together and you have a great horror film with an awesome soundtrack. NOTD is about a group of teenagers who decide to throw a party at an abandoned funeral home where some murders took place. One thing leads to another (they run out of party games) and they manage to conjure up a demon who possesses everyone, leading to some gruesome deaths. Linnea Quigley provides a healthy amount of T&A as well as one wacky lipstick scene that has to be seen to be believed. Unlike a lot of horror films of the 80s, this movie has a good script and good acting. Add to it a great soundtrack and it makes this film a true joy to watch. Who thought demon possession could be so much fun?
Gotcha! (1985)
You Got Me
Before Anthony Edwards was fighting cancer and his receding hair line he stared in this romantic thriller of the 80s. Edwards plays Johnathan, a student who spends his time playing paint-ball games and striking out with ladies in tight sweaters. He takes a little trip to Europe and finds himself mixed up in all kinds of crazy espionage. Nick Corri has a supporting role as the hot best friend. Linda Fiorentino (once again not so much as cracking a smile for more than five seconds)plays Sasha, the mysterious young woman who convinces Johnathan to take a little detour. This movie is a perfect 80s film. It has everything; sex, drugs, spies, and bad accents. It is a must see!
The Last American Virgin (1982)
The Last American Nightmare
I only gave this film a 7 because it is too terrible not to see. It's just awful. Forget those sappy "Lifetime movie of the week" flicks where Markie Post has a drinking problem and rent this. The movie is about a nerd who tries to lose his virginity several times but is met with disappointment, trauma and venereal disease. The woman he does love is in love with his best friend. When she gets pregnant and his friend dumps her faster then you can say "Devo", the nerd swoops in and becomes her hero. He pays for her abortion and even gives her a place to stay. Her birthday rolls around and ....I'm sorry...I can't do this...GO RENT THIS FILM and experience the anguish of a truly bad ending.
Just One of the Guys (1985)
Just Can't Find the Remote
I've seen this film over one hundred times in my twenty-five years on this planet. It's not that it's my favorite movie. It's that no matter what day it is, at any given time this movie is showing. It's the story of Terri (the always pleasant (!sarcasm alert!) Joyce Heisser) a journalist with great fashion sense who chops off her hair and dresses as a guy to help her write a story. While playing the part of a guy she meets a nerd who she vows to help make cooler. The fact that they refer to this guy (Clayton Rhoner)as a nerd is insane. If anything this guy is cooler then everyone in this movie, but I digress...Rounding out the 80s cast is her little brother (Billy Jacoby) who makes it his goal to lose his virginity. Terri encounters a nemesis (William 'why-can't-I-play-the-nice-guy" Zabka) and manages to find her story somewhere between the sock in her pants and her Elvis Costello makeover. It's got a good soundtrack, a great fight scene and a nice scene where Terri flashes her...I don't want to give away the surprise.
My Tutor (1983)
Summer Lovin
Don't get me wrong. I love 80s movies but this one really didn't do much for me. It stars Matt Latanzi (the poor man's Tom Cruise) as a handsome recent high school graduate who learns that he has failed French and must take an exam to make it up. His dad (the always nefarious Kevin Mccarthy) hires a tutor (Caren Kaye)to live with them and teach his son French. What she teaches him are a lot of bedroom moves and lessons in love. Meanwhile we are treated to several scenes of him and his pals going out and trying to get laid (complete with the goofy "we're teenage boys trying to lose our virginity" music)and several nights of nude swimming. Finally the tutor and her willing pupal make love. You know those scenes where someone is touching a body part and you really have no idea which body part they are touching?(is it a thigh or a breast?)Well this love scene has plenty of those. In the end it doesn't matter if you've learned anything or not; just as long as it looks like you did (thank you Assault of the Party Nerds). I recommend this film if you've got a Saturday night free and you've misplaced the remote control.
The Bikini Carwash Company II (1993)
When is the Third One Coming Out?
Wow...This movie gets an 8 on the cheese factor alone. Melissa is the enterprising young woman from the first one who has sold her company to a greedy land developer and now must get it back. To raise money she and her pals decide to take over a religious station and make it a lingerie channel that shows simulated sex. Melissa always has a soft spot in her heart for dorks and this movie is no exception. She teams up with film student Derek and they take on censorship, greedy old men and each other in what is probably the most awkward love scene in history. Watch this movie for what it is: Nudity, simulated sex and a great soundtrack. The script is filled with bad jokes but it has the sense to make fun of itself. Also the other thing that struck me as odd is that in a sea of big breasted goddesses is Rikki Brando who looks like a fifteen year old boy. She was obviously hired for her acting ability.
Spring Break (1983)
The Real Spring Break..
Please do not confuse this film with any other spring break movie made in the last ten years. This movie is vintage 80s and has the killer soundtrack to match. I saw it when I was a kid one late night while my parents were asleep and it's been near and dear to my heart ever since. It's about a rich kid who comes to Spring Break in search of love and adventure and finds both. Other than that it has Corrine Alpha singing, many shots of Spring Break rituals and romance. The thing that separates this film from many of the other Lauderdale flicks is that it has a heart. It's a heart that likes to flash it's breasts to the beat of "Caught Up in You" by 38 Special but it's a heart none the less. David Knell is adorable and if you blink you'll miss a great butt shot of Jeff Garlin from Curb Your Enthusiasm as a drunk guy who moons the camera. Fun for everyone.
Can It Be Love (1992)
Spring Break in the Early 90s
This film has only one goal and that is to make you wish you had gone to Spring Break in the late 80s/early 90s in Lauderdale. It succeeds admirably. Tim and Dave are two regular guys who find themselves mixed up in a search for a missing heiress. They must find the Delta Pi with the rose-shaped birth mark or lose the prize of 300 million dollars. But what about their new girlfriends? Which will they choose: Money or love? The film isn't Citizen Cane and doesn't try to be. It's full of "hey we're in a movie" jokes and nudity and a soundtrack by a cool band that some how ends up in almost every scene. I also love the fact that when the private eye (the sexy Blake Pickett)tells them who the missing girl's famous father is they recognize his name: Example "She's the daughter of Steven Stratta" "The skate board kid?" "Yes" Everyone in the movie knows that this dude is "the skateboard kid". Anyways, the film has a neat surfer rock soundtrack and tons of T&A and a lot of clubs that are now closed down.
Night Rhythms (1992)
The Luckiest Guy in Cinema History
I didn't give this movie a 10 for it's acting, it's script or it's music. I gave it a 10 because the lead character, Nick West (Martin Hewitt, apparently looking around the set for Brooke Shields) manages to have sex with every woman he meets in the film and have time to beat a murder rap. The story goes like this: Nick is sexy radio show host who likes to talk dirty to his female listeners and then go to the bar and have sex with them. One night he invites a listener down to the station and they have sex on the air. But...things go horribly wrong and Nick wakes up next to a dead listener with an audience who thinks he did it. He must run from the cops, clear his name and have sex with any woman who comes near him. Rounding out the master thespian cast are Delia Sheppard as his partner who he doesn't have sex with. Nick isn't really her type....if you know what I mean. This film has great sex scenes in the unrated version and a soundtrack with the sleaziest saxophone this side of a Jazz station. Great fun.
Sins of Desire (1993)
Steamy Sex Thriller
I gave this movie a 10 on sex scenes alone. The unrated version is full of steamy love scenes and nudity and there's nothing wrong with that. Tanya Roberts plays Kay, the sister of a patient at a sex clinic owned by a sleazy married couple named Jessica and Scott Callister (played perfectly by Delia Sheppard and Jay Richardson). It seems there's something weird going on at their sex clinic and it involves a powerful drug and some doctors doing bad things to their patients while they are under the influence of the drugs. After Kay's sister commits suicide she joins forces with a handsome insurance investigator and they go undercover (if you know what I mean and I think you do) to solve the sex murder. They manage to fall in love in the process and have wild sex during a thunderstorm.(note to anyone: if you invite a handsome insurance investigator to stay the night at your house then that it a recipe for erotic disaster) This movie is great! It has lesbian sex scenes galore, kinky rough sex, Tanya Roberts and Nick Cassavettes who is now a director. It's backed by a great soundtrack by the lovely Becky Lebeau and the usual kick-butt directing of Jim (I'm in it for the ladies) Wynorsky. Check it out but make sure you get the unrated version.
Mirror Images (1992)
Wake Me When It's Over!
I gave this movie a 4 and that is even after seeing the unrated version. I can only imagine how bad the rated version is. It's about a bored housewife (the lovely Delia Sheppard)who switches places with her promiscuous sister (Delia in a bad wig) and has sex with many people. It really has no plot and the sex scenes are boring. Mirror Images 2 is much more entertaining. Oh and from the "cry for help" department, John O'Hurley (yes, J. Peterman from Seinfeld)) plays a cop who really wants to have sex with Delia but has to wait till the movie is over. Even Julie Strain can't save this film! If you want to check out a good "bored housewife wants to have a good time" film check out Mirror Images 2.
Dinosaur Island (1994)
Paradise Island
This movie is awesome! It has a great script, really cheesy effects, and nudity galore. Ross Hagen, Peter Spellos , Tom Shell and the always hilarious Richard Gabai star as soldiers stranded on a deserted island. They find that they are not alone. Bikini clad cave babes inhabit the island and mistake the soldiers for Gods thanks to a happy face tattoo on Gabai's arm. The men must prove their worth by slaughtering "the great one" (no, it's not Jackie Gleason) and bring food to the village. In the process the men teach the women about other activities involving very little clothing and we see a lot of stock footage. Tom Shell has since gone on to other pursuits in producing and I'm happy for him but I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss him. He played a good "joe average who gets laid" character and he did it without looking like a sleaze. Gabai gives a comedic performance reminiscent of Dean Martin. This review wouldn't be complete without mentioning the ladies. Griffin Drew, Michelle Bauer and (the completely natural bodied) Antonia Dorian play the sexy cave babes who teach the guys the real meaning of R&R and they do it with very little dialogue. This is a fun film that doesn't take itself too seriously.
Bikini Drive-In (1995)
Bikinis and Babes
Bikini Drive-In is a proud contributor to the "we must save the (insert place here) by getting naked" genre. Ashley Rey stars as Kim Taylor a sexy young woman who inherits her grandfather's car wash and finds herself in danger of losing it if she doesn't come up with 25,000 dollars in four days. If she doesn't then a greedy land developer (David Friedman- hamming it up) will tear it down and build a super mall. He sends his handsome son (Richard Gabai playing it cool and funny)to strong arm her and they end up in a hot and steamy love scene (unrated edition only). They join forces with Sara Bellomo (or to all you porn fans out there "Roxanne Blaze")and a cast of busty bikini babes to put on a movie marathon to raise money. Nikki Fritz and Tom Shell play two nerds in love. Once Nikki Fritz removes her bathing suit and takes off her glasses then she and Tom have wild sex in the storage room.It's a shame that Tom Shell isn't acting anymore because he is adorable. Becky Lebeau makes an appearance and also contributes some great songs (Wild Fire, Point of Seduction, Lost Without You, Caught in the Middle of love) and it's a wonder why she hasn't gotten some kind of music deal. Fred Olen Ray contributes a funny cameo as Randy Rocket and Michelle Bauer as a scream queen. I have to stress that if you do see this movie then see it unrated. The steamy love scenes do not exist in their entirety in the rated version.
Hot Under the Collar (1992)
Cute and Over the Top
This is the sequel to "Virgin High" and revolves around the same premise. Nerdy horn-ball, Jerry tries to use hypnosis to get his girlfriend to have sex with him. This back fires and she ends up thinking she has had a religious calling and she joins a convent. Jerry and his buddies must dress up to infiltrate the convent and hypnotize his girlfriend into realizing what she's done. The film is hilarious and features a lot of catholic jokes, goofy mobsters and some brief nudity. Joe Toppe (aka Rajanesh Babakan)is adorable as a sweet gardener who gets mixed up with mobsters. Tane Mcclure gives another sultry performance as "Tiffany- the patron saint of jewelry". This movie also features a lot of Arby's references as did "Virgin High" and who doesn't like that? Finally it marks the film debut of Melinda Clarke who you all may know as the conniving seductress Julie Cooper on The O.C. as Jerry's girlfriend.