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mikethebaptist
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Love Story (1970)
Jerk Story
Two Ivy league jerks meet, fall in love for some reason unknown to men and gods, and get married. They are supposed to be from different sides of the tracks, but they both have free rides to Ivy League schools, so, yes -- huge difference. How are these people ever going to make it work? The suspense is killing me.
Anyway, the girl dies -- again, for unknown reasons. But we already knew that from the first scene where the guy tells us that she dies. I felt like there should have been a countdown clock in the upper right-hand corner of the film, showing us how much time she's got left and before we can go to the bathroom...
Then there's the main "theme" of the film -- "Love means never having to say you're sorry." I don't know what this means. Except, maybe, "if you love someone do whatever the hell you want?" Again, I have no clue. It's the most vapid thing I've ever heard. And I don't know what it has to do with the events of the film, except they also were vapid.
1/2 star for music, 1/2 star for old Ray Milland, 1/2 star for young Tommy Lee Jones starring as jock roommate, and 1/2 star for keeping it under 2 hours. Good times. Bring a tissue, you might want to use them to perform a puppet show or something in the middle section where Ollie is wandering around the vast deserted landscapes of the American Northeast for no apparent reason...
Bâsudê wandârando (2019)
I Have No Idea What This Movie Was About (I would say spoilers ahead, but there is nothing to spoil)
First of all, I have no idea what this movie was supposed to be about. There were several subplots going on, none of which were really fleshed out, so in the end it just seemed like several very different stories popped into the blender and -- voila! Wonderland Smoothie!
Let's start with the good, shall we, though? The art is nice. Even though the character designs take some getting used to. (The lack of noses, maybe?) The scenery is pretty breathtaking.
Now the rest. When we first meet our heroine, she is a whiny Junior High student who doesn't want to go to school and tells her mom she is sick. Then an anatomically correct tomcat comes and sits on her face. (We're in for a good one here, folks.) She gets mad and pulls the cat's tail. Fast forward, we're whisked to the Wonderland with a mustachioed stranger and his pint-sized helper through a basement door in a friend's shop. We are standing on top of a tall tower where our heroine is sodomized by a giant pink pelican. Thankfully, some villains in a tank come along and start knocking down the tower to interrupt the sodomy-session. The mustachioed man whistles on a leaf and hundreds of sheep come running to save our intrepid heroes from the villains in the tank.
So we go to the sheep village, where we find out no one wants to buy their sweaters anymore because there are rumors going around that they are poor quality. But they are not poor quality, these are the best quality sweaters, by golly, and something must be done, or the town will die. So our heroes decide to go to the fair in the capital city to enter the sweaters in a contest. Then they will win the contest and the townspeople can sell their sweaters again.
As they are eating dinner in the mayor's house, we find out the other (main?) plot line. Wonderland is suffering because there hasn't been any rain. (I think.) There hasn't been any rain because the prince is sick and can't do the ceremony needed to provide the rain. And there is a wizard, too, but he is asleep. Mr. Mustache tells our heroine that she is the Green Goddess -- and then they bring out the salads. The Green Goddess is supposed to help the prince do the thing (?) and everybody will be happy because there will be water...and we can sell our sweaters again?
So they set out for the capital city. They get "warm clothing" from the townspeople, because they are going where it is cold. They stop on the road to put on the warm clothing. They are woolen onesies shaped like sheep. Then the next scene they are in the desert. In a haboob. Wearing sheep onesies. Fast forward.
The villains in their tank are driving through a city, stealing metal things, like railings off of verandas. Later, we see the villains bring their scrap metal to some guy in a foundry, who says, "We need more than this to make enough steel." And I'm thinking, "You're driving a freaking tank MADE OF STEEL!!! WHY ARE YOU STEALING BICYCLES AND RAILINGS?????" We don't know why the villains need the steel. And lo, we never find out, although later they go to the foundry guy's brother at another foundry and he gives them artillery shells...so, they needed the steel for the shells? (So they could blow up the fountain in the middle of the capital, by the way...)
I could go on, but you've probably heard enough. I do need to point out that the best line in the show is where one of the girls is drinking in a bar and notes, completely randomly, that "No alcohol, no life," which was maybe a hint that a little social lubricant might be required in order to make sense of this film?
I should mention though, that the tomcat who sat on our heroine's face shows up in the Wonderland, as a judge. Our heroine Akane is thus subjected to a kangaroo court, presided over by anthropomorphic cats, for pulling the cat's tail. She is found guilty and a tail magically grows on her and the cat then pulls it as her punishment. She promises never to pull a cat's tail again. They live happily ever after. Roll to credits.
Just kidding, there's still way more to this movie, but needless to say, they get the water turned on again, and everybody is pretty much the same as they were at the beginning, just a little more confused.
Picnic at Hanging Rock (2018)
Heartpounding Pageturner and Gothic Thriller
I can't believe all the bad reviews. Except maybe for some parts of the first episode where it' may drag a bit while introducing the characters, every minute of this miniseries revealed some new twist or backstory and kept me on the edge of my seat wondering "WTF is going on?" I love too that the writers evidently fleshed out the characters a little more than the original book and movie. People were ragging on the music and cinematography as well, but I thought it was very well done. Anachronistic, yes, but very much added to the unnerving atmosphere of the series.
Teen Knight (1999)
Better Than Expected
Okay, when I saw the cover and when the movie first started, I thought, "This looks like something I could have made in my garage." But it turned out to be pretty entertaining for mindless, low-budget fare. There were some actually pretty funny parts, especially the sword fights where it looks like nobody wants to get their hands dirty and everybody looks all apologetic for landing a blow. And some great, hilarious magic fights. Some people would think that's bad acting; I think it's hilarious -- as did the 40 grade-schoolers I was watching it with.
Yes, the script is cheesy, cliché, and near-plagiaristic. Yes, the acting is pretty bad. (Although I've seen much, much worse.) The directing and editing isn't great and the special effects are embarrassing, but I was never bored watching this movie, which is more than I can say for something more "cultured" like, say "Thin Red Line?". And I personally found it much funnier than the self-proclaimed World's Funniest Movie Ever, "Knocked Up." (Which was a terrifying experience. I had to sneak into "Paranormal Activity" to actually find something to laugh at.)
"Teen Knight/Medieval Park", however it is branded in your district, makes for a rollicking fun night with the family. Plus, there were bare-shouldered medieval wenches, so a good time was had by all. But overall, this makes for a more engaging evening than many "Oscar contenders" out there. (*cough * cough* Terence Malick *cough)