DrunkenMaster2000 Reviews

Day of the Dead (2008 Video)

Bub nor Bud

[1/10 · 7 March 2008]

To convince you of the incompetence of the filmmakers, I have just one thing to point out about this crappy excuse for a zombie movie:

They got the name of the lead zombie wrong. Romero's protagonist-zombie in his 1985 classic Day of the Dead is named Bub; in this pathetic 2008 remake they call him Bud. How can they screw that up? It's like remaking Star Wars and calling your lead character Daryl Skywalker.

If you thought Day of the Dead 2: Contagium was the lousiest zombie movie ever made -- think again. Oh wait -- this remake is produced by the guy who directed Contagium. And he also directed the ultra-lousy Creepshow 3. I can't tell if James Glenn Dudelson is trying to single-handedly destroy the legacy of George A. Romero, or if he simply making Romero's movies better. Thanks to this 2008 remake, Romero's 1985 Day of the Dead is an American classic.

Enough said.

Vampiro, guerrero de la noche (1993)

The strangest Mexican Wrestling film of them all!

[2/10 · 23 July 2006]

Vampiro, guerrero de la noche (aka Warrior of the Night) starts off in a wrestling arena, with legendary Mexican Wrestler Vampiro Canadiense (whom which the film is named after) is fighting in the main event. The arena is jammed packed as the wrestlers enter the ring, but once the match begins Vampiro's make up changes, and the seats suddenly become empty (I guess the production company couldn't afford extras). However we do notice two lady fans of Vampiro enjoying the show. The girls are sitting with a very evil looking dude. What proves to be evil about the man is the strange metal glove he's wearing on his left hand. The glove seems to have a power over Vampiro, and with a twist of his wrist Vampiro collapses in the ring. The crowd panics and Vampiro is lead out of the ring on a stretcher. But before Vampiro is brought to the hospital, his body is kidnapped by the evil man and the two women. While kidnapping Vampiro the three evil doers come face to face with a women with incredible powers, and her side kick; a lovable mutant rat / monkey (think Jar Jar Binks crossed with an Ewok). The rest of the film pits these forces against each other, while for most of the movie Vampiro lays unconscious chained to a bed.

Vampiro made this movie at the high of his popularity in Mexico, however he rarely speaks of its existence. Strangely his voice is dubbed by a Mexican actor. The action scenes are far and few between. The strangest bit in the movie occurs during the climax. Vampiro finally breaks free of his chains and is allowed to kick some bad-guy butt. At one point Vampiro grabs some rope, climbs a pipe and then for some reason disappears for the rest of the fight. Just when you thought the lead character was going to do something very cool, the bad guys are defeated on their own without Vampiro's participation. He suddenly reappears in the last shot celebrating the defeat of the villains. What a waste?!

I don't mean to sound like this film isn't worth watching. I'd imagine that if you watched this film with your friends and drank heavily it's possible to enjoy it. The only thing worth mentioning here with any bit of enthusiasm is a note for Mexican Wrestling fans: the opening and closing of the film features more then a few big names in Lucha Libre; including Pirate Morgan, Norman Smiley (aka Black Magic), and the late great Art Barr. If these names mean nothing to you: stay away from this clunker!

A Hard Look (2000 TV Movie)

Emmanuelle without Passion

[1/10 · 14 May 2006]

I was so excited when I read about a documentary being produced about the Emmanuelle film series. To me the Emmanuelle series is as exciting as any genre film series, i.e. zombie movies, post-apocalyptic movies, westerns, martial arts films, etc. I was even intrigued by the fact that it was being directed by filmmaker (and so-called cinephile) Alex Cox. However after watching this poorly executed documentary I couldn't help but think what a greatly missed opportunity this film is. The Emmanuelle film series deserves better then Alex Cox. The documentary really needed someone who truly loves this series for all of its greatness and for all of its flaws. It's obvious that Cox has nothing but contempt for the series. He uses clips from different parts of the series and edits them in a way to accentuate the movies shortcomings. He scores interviews with Sylvia Kristel (the original Emmanuelle), Just Jaeckin (the director of the original film), and somehow and most importantly Laura Gemser (Black Emanuelle). Gemser is now retired from acting, and is famous for refusing interviews about her career. The most exciting news about A Hard Look is that Gemser finally breaks her silence. However Cox waists this amazing opportunity, in fact he makes Gemser looks stupid. Cox uses sound bites that make Gemser come off like a moron about her career and about the Emanuelle films in general. For no reason what so ever Cox finds a way to include an interview with Dennis Hooper, with pointless effect – and that is what this film is; a documentary chalked full of pointlessness. I guess the only reason Cox includes an interview with Hooper is that it gives him an excuse to show footage from Cox's terribly mediocre movie Straight to Hell (starring Hooper). Showing footage from Straight to Hell allows Cox to draw comparisons between the Emmanuelle film series and Spaghetti Westerns. This comparison leads Cox to conclude that Spaghetti Westerns that were once considered an eye sore of the Western genre are now considered classics, and that erotic films (like those of Emmanuelle) are still considered "second rate." Why he asks – "what's wrong with sex, what's wrong with pleasure?" He draws a comparison between the bodily pleasures, that of having sex outdoors and drugs – both which are banned. This sequence concludes with Alex Cox enjoying cannabis, and validating the saying, "dope is for dopes." The only saving grace of A Hard Look is that it demands another filmmaker to make a truly loving documentary about this amazing film series, from someone who is truly passionate about every nuance of Emmanuelle.

Sister Emanuelle (1977)

Emanuelle Answers Our Prayers

[10/10 · 10 December 2005]

Everyone's favorite nymphet has renounced her deviant sexual past and has become a nun. Emanuelle travels to Venice to meet with a wealthy Baron. The Baron has become enraged with his daughter (Monika) who was caught having an affair with her stepmother. He asks Emanuelle to bring his perverse teenage daughter back to her convent. Doesn't this already sound like the greatest film ever made? It's definitely one of the best Emanuelle films ever made. What a perfect place for the Emanuelle character to end up in - a convent. And what a great direction for this series to take - Emanuelle turns to God. But Emanuelle isn't sure if she wants God in her heart; Emanuelle becomes seduced by the teenage girl. On top of all this sexual tension, Emanuelle and Monika take in an escaped murderer; they both fall in love with him and hide him out inside the convent. This also has to be one of the funniest Emanuelle films in the series. For example: one of the nuns in the convent has a bladder problem. One-night Emanuelle showers and runs threw the halls of the convent; however when Sister Superior finds water all over the floors she blames the sister with the bladder problem – ha ha! On a final note: Laura Gemser is as beautiful as ever. Gemser is to the Emanuelle series what Sean Connery is to the James Bond series – "simply the best!"

2001 Maniacs (2005)

2001 Maniacs is hardly a tribute to the original film - it simply pales in comparison.

[1/10 · 10 July 2005]

I just returned from the Canadian premiere of 2001 Maniacs at the 2005 Fantasia Film Festival in Montreal. I'll start off by saying that I am a long time fan of Herschell Gordon Lewis, and I consider the original Two Thousand Maniacs to be a true American classic. And because I liked the original film so much, I had a hard time watching and enjoying 2001 Maniacs. The new film has none of the fun the original has. The gore effects are O.K., but don't come close to topping the stuff HGL came up with in the original film. 2001 Maniacs is hardly a tribute to the original film - it simply pales in comparison. This feels more like a tribute to Troma Films, rather then a tribute to the great HGL. The filmmakers couldn't even get the theme song right. The rendition of "Rebel Yell"(The South's Gonna Rise Again) was like listening to nails on a caulk board. Tim Sullivan (the director) introduced the film by saying that he wanted to make a valentine to the kinds of films his mother wouldn't let him watch as a child. My guess is that Tim Sullivan never watched these movies even after he decided to make this so-called "valentine." 2001 Maniacs isn't a love letter to the films of Herschell Gordon Lewis, it's a knife in the heart to anyone who ever truly loved and respected the amazing films of Sir Herschell Gordon Lewis - GENIUS!

Cop Game (1988)

More Vietnam Goodness from Bruno Mattei

[8/10 · 29 March 2005]

The KGB is in Vietnam, and Morgan (Brent Huff, from The Perils of Gwendoline in the Land of the Yik Yak) and Hawk are on the case. Double cross and bloodshed ensue - Bruno Mattei style! I've never seen a Bruno Mattei film I didn't find absolutely hysterical. This film is as violent as hell, with go-go girls; Rambo styled gun fights, and the craziest on-screen car chase I've ever witnessed - SERIOUSLY! You must see this car chase – filmed entirely with miniatures using model cars and model trains. I would have to say that this maybe the most original film I've seen in the Bruno Mattei cannon – no rip-offs in sight; just tons of fun, bloodshed and outrageous dialog!

Nam Angels (1989 Video)

Rambo on a Hog!

[10/10 · 3 March 2005]

I can't make up my mind - this is either the best biker film I've ever seen or the best Vietnam War movie I've ever seen. It is certainly the most extreme of both genres ever committed to celluloid. Nam Angels is about a soldier who visits a brothel in Vietnam (during the war) and recruits members of the Hell's Angels biker gang into his army. Their mission: to steal ten million dollars of Vietnamese gold, and free two American P.O.W.'s. Why is hell is the Hell Angels in Vietnam? – who cares?! Vernon Wells (star of The Road Warrior and Commando) plays a Colonel Walter E. Kurtz kind of character who has captured the American P.O.W.'s. This is a fast paced and fun war movie that comes highly recommended.

The Kill Reflex (1989)

Williamson's Cool Reflex

[10/10 · 17 February 2005]

The shooting title for this film was "Soda Cracker," somewhere along the road the title of the film changed and "The Kill Reflex" is what we've got. Fred Williamson's character is nicknamed Soda Cracker (something his friends gave him). He's a "shoot first - ask questions later" Chicago cop, on a mission to track down the killer or killers who offed his partner; all this on his birthday no less. His superiors want him off the case, but that doesn't stop Soda from bustin' heads. The production costs are low, but the thrills high. And don't miss the super-cool conclusion where The Hammer jumps on the side of a train to catch the main baddie as he speeds away in his car - this is really one of The Hammer's coolest moments. Other things to watch for include: the super-sexy Maud Adams, the super-cool Bo Svenson, and the super-funky end credit theme song: "Soda Cracker!"

Whatever It Takes (II) (1998)

The Hammer is one of his very few villainous roles.

[10/10 · 3 August 2004]

I picked up this film because I am a huge Fred "The Hammer" Williamson fan. I was shocked to see him play the villain in this surprisingly entertaining film. Fred Williamson never plays a villain - I think it's written into his contract. How Brady MacKenzie got Fred William to play the villain beats me?! Brady MacKenzie (the director) never made a film before this, or after - what gives? He handles the action scenes very well - he's no John Woo, but hey - he's got Michael Bay beat! And Fred's good as the antagonist, hard-ass and funny as always. This also marks my first Don "The Dragon" Wilson film; who's no Jackie Chan, but he's got Van Damn beat! I will admit I am a fan of Andrew "Dice" Clay, not as a comedian but as an actor. The Dice runs around for most of the action scenes blazing two guns - ala Chow Yun-Fat. The Killer the Diceman isn't, but I'll take Whatever It Takes over any Lethal Weapon film any day of the week. Whatever It Takes hits the mark, keeping in mind this is a straight-to-video release.

Delta Force 3: The Killing Game (1991)

Another Case of Nepotism

[6/10 · 2 August 2004]

The back of the box reads: "Featuring the sons of Hollywood's biggest screen heroes ..." I'm sold! No Chuck Norris, so Mike Norris will have to do. Not as strong as the original, and not as silly as Part 2. The great Sam Firstenberg does deliver the goods. Eric Douglas (son of Kirk) is pretty good as one of the Delta Force commandos; he'll most likely never win an Oscar but he sure looks good with a machine gun! The way Nick Cassavetes disarms the boomer in the finally with a bowie knife deserves a look. Hey Nick - "Give me Delta Force 3 over The Notebook any day!"

Eastern Condors (1987)

Simply: THE GREATEST FILM EVER MADE!

[2 August 2004]

I broke it down: Why I think Eastern Condors in the greatest film ever made - here it goes (keep in mind this is a very personal break down):

1- 100 years of film-making (give or take a few years) = Dozens and dozens of different film genres.

2- Dozens and dozens of different film genres = The action genre being the greatest of all genres.

3- The action genre being the greatest of all genres = Hong Kong being the greatest of all countries to make action films.

4- Hong Kong being the greatest of all countries to make action films Sammo Hung being the greatest Hong Kong Action Director.

5- Sammo Hung being the greatest Hong Kong Action Director = Eastern Condors being Sammo's greatest achievement.

Think about this: John Woo created some of the greatest Gun-Fu moments in cinematic history, however is hand-to-hand combat is slighting boring. Jackie Chan has certainly created some of the greatest Kung-Fu moments ever, but his films become boring once anyone picks up a gun. Sammo Hung is the only filmmaker who can blend both elements of Gun-Fu and Kung-Fu in one movie and make each style equally entertaining to watch. Eastern Condors is the best example of this. Another reason why: EASTERN CONDORS IS THE GREATEST FILM EVER MADE!