jesse_barboza Reviews

Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966)

Once again, just in case you've forgotten..."Manos", The Hands of Fate.

[1/10 · 29 January 2006]

You can't be a connoisseur of bad movies without seeing "Manos: The Hands of Fate" at least once in your life. I'm almost certain that this wasn't the niche market that Hal Warren was aiming for, but thanks to this truly inept little picture's exposure as Experiment 424 of "Mystery Science Theater 3000", it'll always gain infamy as, arguably, the Worst Movie Ever Made. Granted, it didn't try to be, and nobody on the cast or crew ever suspected that it would be...but when your director deals in fertilizer for a living, there are certain expectations about the final cut that it's best to have beforehand.

The story is simple enough - family gets lost on vacation and stumbles upon the secret lair of a satanic cult leader and his army of undead wives. The premise has all the potential in the world, and Hal Warren had the amazing ability to take all that potential and completely eliminate it. Even from the first two minutes of the movie, it's glaringly obvious that Warren had no idea what the hell he was doing. Filmed on a 16mm with no sound-recording abilities, the movie begins with some poorly-dubbed dialog, a cop who's easily swayed out of administering a ticket, and the most agonizing five minutes of driving footage that anyone would ever have the misfortune to lay eyes on. When this family finally pulls into the Lodge of Sins (as it was identified in the movie's working title, which is probably better than a title that literally translates into "Hands: the Hands of Fate"), they encounter the knobby-thighed caretaker Torgo, who is easily the most memorable and most pitiful character from this film. Ranting about how "the Master does not approve" and swaying like Joe Cocker with Parkinson's, Torgo brings in the luggage while dull Mike and idiotic Maggie stare blankly at a painting of the Master for about five days. Eventually, the pet dog runs outside and gets dead, the "damn car won't start", and little Debbie runs off and befriends a doe-eyed and lovable hell-beast. And I in the audience contemplate the many ways to murder oneself.

Anyway, the Master (who resembles the love child of Bill Buckner and Freddy Mercury) brings his undead wives to life, and they immediately start kibitzing about whether or not to murder this family full of poor schmucks who have wandered onto their turf. While the talks break down into a shameless cat fight (probably the only reason the movie was even made in the first place), the Master drags Torgo into things by insisting that he (Torgo) has "failed", and now he "must die" (though it's never made clear how he failed, or why he must die). Mike and the family try to make a break for it while Torgo gets a lethal facial massage and the Master bludgeons his first wife to death with stage blood, but the end result of all this is probably something that even dead people can see coming a mile away. Somehow, a teenage couple making out on the side of the road for days on end factors into all of this, but I have neither the time nor the incentive to analyze their roles further.

I guess, if you think about it, Hal Warren was right in his assumption that anyone can make a movie. However, he was dead wrong in his assumption that anyone can make a good movie. It's also worth noting that John Reynolds, the man who played Torgo, blew his brains out a few months before the movie's premiere. Turns out, he had the right idea.

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964)

Hooray for Patrick Swayze...I mean, Santy Claus!

[2/10 · 9 November 2005]

The very idea of Santa Claus being kidnapped by Martians is absolutely ludicrous to begin with. And with that ridiculous premise, this movie doesn't have a lot going for it. However, there is a somewhat indescribable charm to this film - it's so bad that it's kinda good. I guess that's why Experiment 321 of "Mystery Science Theater 3000" is so utterly memorable (well, that and Crow's brilliant Christmas carol entitled "Let's Have a Patrick Swayze Christmas").

There's no denying that this movie really sucks on a lot of levels. In a world where everyone believes in Santa Claus, KID-TV reporter Rip Taylor holds a "person-to-person" interview with the big man, preparing to go out on Christmas eve "the old fashioned way" (guns a-blazin' and everything). While C. Everett Koop's children toil away in the workshop, the residents of Mars are experiencing a rebellion. At least according to Chochum, the spontaneously combustible wise man of the planet who explains that the Martian children need a source of happiness - namely, a fat little man in a red suit (no, not Truman Capote). As a result, Kimar leads a troupe of Martians in their cricket lighter on an expedition to Earth to kidnap the bearded one and take him back to the red planet. Of course, mustachioed Voldar is against the whole thing, but nobody cares about his plights to preserve the planet's heritage. Instead, they grill Billy and Betty Foster (kids who live in the woods with a radio as a parental substitute) for Santa's location, and the kids squeal immediately. So it's off to the North Pole, or maybe just Minnesota in October...whatever, it's a place inhabited by dopey guys in polar bear costumes. Using an equally dopey guy in a robot costume to break into Santa's workshop, the aliens immobilize those who oppose them with Wham-O Air Blasters and capture the fat man - who seems to have no qualms with this whole thing, surprisingly.

Voldar's still foaming at the mustache over Operation Santa Claus, and he plans to flush him and the kids out the airlock. But Mr. Claus has a nasty habit of surviving, and they're soon back on Mars, the planet of no child labor laws whatsoever. While Santa runs his sweatshop, Martian dope Dropo plays dress-up in Santa's spare suit (and spare beard - you know, just in case) and ends up being mistaken for the real thing by Voldar and his not-very-perceptive henchmen (who include Jamie Farr and Jimmy Durante). Eventually, Voldar receives his just desserts for trying to preserve the proud heritage of the Planet of War when the children attack him with an endless barrage of toys (not since the pie fight scene in "The Great Race"! Not since the mud slide scene in "McLintlock"! Not since the wagon race scene in "The Hallelujah Trail"! Not since the chess-playing scene in "The Seventh Seal"! Not since the orgy scene in "Caligula"!...Well, maybe not those last two). A Merry Christmas is had by all who believe that "Santa is within all of us".

It tries, it really does. Sure, it falls flat on its face a lot, but it's just so much fun to watch it do so. I guess you could say it's got camp value...but either way, I wouldn't try to watch it without a shadowrama along the bottom of the screen. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a hankerin' for some chocolate ice cream food pills.

See, 'cause...it's Mars...

Werewolf (1995 Video)

This is obsolutely fusscinating...

[1/10 · 9 November 2005]

When an inept director takes himself too seriously, the result can never be good. Such is the product of Tony Zarindast's "Werewolf". I find it hard to believe that Zarindast (who makes a cameo appearance as a hard-drinkin' security guard) could possibly have been pleased with this film...and he probably didn't appreciate the perfectly accurate razzing it received as Experiment 904 on "Mystery Science Theater 3000".

A movie whose only star power consists of Charlie Sheen's uncle, the film starts out with a group of angry archaeologists excavating a tiramisu and beating the snot out of each other for no reason while someone punches a side of beef offscreen. They soon uncover the skeleton of a werewolf (complete with ears) that was evidently killed for its Nikes and continually sings the Ave Maria. A cut from one of the bones sends weepy-eyed Timmy to the hospital in bad-bad-bad-bad-bad-bad condition. Sleazy archaeologist-of-many-hairstyles Yuri takes this opportunity to inject the poor man with Essence-O'-Werewolf, sending the raving puppet-beast out into the dead of blue filter night, where paunchy Joe Estevez guns him down to the tune of African bongos. Meanwhile, some guy named Paul arrives in town and is immediately greeted by gun-toting dictator for life Sam (who has a wonderful singing voice) and a woman who refuses to sit at a typewriter unless she's not wearing pants. While Paul finds himself unavoidably attracted to the airheaded and marble-mouthed Natalie (a Russo-Italian-Mexican archaeologist who barely even knows what a hat is), Yuri angrily takes a walk over to Kirk Douglas' house and drugs the aforementioned security guard, shooting up his bloodstream with more Eau De Yanaglonchi. The poor guard ends up lycanthropizing during his drive home from work (a route that takes him past the same gas station three times), eventually meeting his end when a bunch of renegade oil drums leap in front of his car.

Paul suspects that something is amiss and angrily berates Yuri's hair, ultimately ending up being beaten with the slipstream from a werewolf skull swung at his head. Before long, the full moon (which doggedly refuses to wane) takes its toll on Paul, who takes about six hours to fully metamorphose and finally shoots out of his room, lands across town, and drags a teenage girl to a mud hole so he can blow on her belly. Realizing that he's doing "things" by night, Paul tries to ease his fears with a night of tight-shirted pool at the local harpsichord bar, but naturally he spazzes out again when that stubborn full moon hangs around for yet another night. Realizing that Yuri and his fellow archaeologists "is" only trying to exploit her grease-headed sweetheart, Natalie sets out to find Paul before he can swipe blindly at any more random citizens (and miss).

If this movie was supposed to be a satire of the whole werewolf movie subcategory, it'd be great. But because it takes itself too seriously, it crashes and burns on multiple occasions. In spite of that, it's a load of fun to watch, but only if you've got Mike and the bots in front of it. Otherwise, this fossilized Yanaglonchi deserves to remain buried.

Hobgoblins (1988)

There's been an accident at the studio...we made "Hobgoblins"!

[1/10 · 9 November 2005]

Who knows what evil lurks in the mind of Rick Sloane? I don't, and I sure as hell don't care to find out anytime soon. This flick hardly even tries to hide the fact that it's a ripoff of Joe Dante's infinitely superior "Gremlins", and combined with the inane plot, cheesy dialogue, inexperienced actors, bad special effects, and lame music, it's no wonder that "Mystery Science Theater 3000" sunk their claws into this one for Experiment 907.

So, these little puppets that have the ability to grant you your fondest wish and then kill you escape from their vault at a movie studio and wreak havoc on the populace (hey, maybe this is where "Animaniacs" came from...or maybe not). Their chosen victims are Kevin (a total puss who still knows how to fire a gun blindly into the air to scare off burglars), Amy (Kevin's ice cube of a girlfriend who remains unimpressed with everything he does), Daphne (a slut outlined in spandex who refuses to watch any movie without a XXX rating), Nick (the jerky military brat trained in garden tool warfare), and Kyle (the lovable pervert hopelessly addicted to phone sex). While Kevin's elderly boss goes on for hours about how important it is that the puppets be stopped, the little devils have already attacked Kevin's friends (accompanied by a lyric-less dance song that also goes on for hours). Then Kevin stops Kyle from being taken in by his fantasy moments before his car plummets off a cliff (unfortunately, neither of the two characters are in the car at the time) while Amy goes off to discover her inner skank at Club Scum. After a rousing performance of the punk rock hit "Pig Sticker", Amy takes the stage, only to have her big night decimated by Nick's delusional war fantasy involving comically weak hand grenades and people that turn their own tables over in order to save the explosions some work...and then some other stuff happens, but by this time I had wandered off in desperation for human contact.

This is one of those cases where you know the director made this movie for the sole purpose of putting in nude scenes. Of course, such scenes were excised for the MST3K version, leaving us with a story that the director couldn't care less about. I can sympathize with the emotionally scarred Tom Servo and Crow as they bolt for the theater exit over and over again during the opening credits. This movie gives Hal P. Warren's classic stinkburger "Manos: The Hands of Fate" a run for its money as possibly the Worst Movie Ever Made.

Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders (1996 Video)

Remember to believe in magic...or I'll kill you!

[1/10 · 9 November 2005]

It's hard to classify this atrocity. It's not really a fantasy, it's not very dramatic, and it most certainly isn't a family film. However, it is the type of film that's just begging to be torn to shreds on "Mystery Science Theater 3000", and fortunately, the folks at Best Brains turned this dog into Experiment 1003.

Ernest Borgnine reaches the lowest point of his career as the narrator of a soul-scarring television movie he apparently wrote years ago. Now, keep in mind that he's telling this to his young grandson (who's still sharp enough to pick out a couple of plot holes). Apparently, Merlin decided that he wasn't moving enough merchandise in the Dark Ages, so he packed up and moved to 1996, setting up "shop" in an unidentified city. Entertaining a kid who suffers from bouts of slow-motion, Merlin is approached by an uppity reviewer for the local paper who sports a superiority complex and a wife who he hates for not being able to get pregnant (again, this story's being told to a kid). So the guy takes Merlin's magic book of spells and plans to demolish it with a strongly-worded review, but only ends up turning his cat into a ruthless hellbeast, then proceeds to light the animal on fire (again, there's an eight-year-old listening to this story). The guy ages a hundred years, rips off Humphrey Bogart, then turns into a baby, much to his wife's delight. So somehow, he's his own father.

And now for something completely different. One of Merlin's most demonic possessions, a cymbal-clanging toy monkey (I always knew those things were evil) ends up being bought by a family from 1984. The young son, sporting googly-eye glasses and happily singing about the Rock and Roll Martian, is blissfully unaware that every time the monkey clanks its little cymbals (in the hopes that somebody somewhere is playing "The 1812 Overture"), some living thing in the house snuffs it. It starts when the dad notices that all the houseplants are dead (another issue - since when does a man notice a plant in the house?). Then an exploding lightbulb and an unattended pan of motor oil results in the fiery death of the family dog (remember, the little kid's still listening to this). With advice from his homicidal psychic friend, the dad tries everything he can to eradicate the plastic simian, if "everything" involves knocking it into a paper bag with a vacuum cleaner. But no, evil always finds a way, and the monkey keeps making it back to the 1980s. Merlin spends much of his time back in 1996 walking the streets, asking women if they've seen his little monkey.

It amazes me that someone on the production crew watched the final product and said "Hey, that's good, let's release it." If this was intended for the family market, then all parties concerned failed miserably, as the story flips back and forth between mundane and terrifying. But it offers a thousand good chances for being made fun of, and Michael J. Nelson and crew took those chances eagerly. Thank God.

Space Mutiny (1988)

Put your helmet on, we'll be reaching speeds of three!

[1/10 · 8 November 2005]

When I was first introduced to "Mystery Science Theater 3000", I was completely unfamiliar with the concept of the show. All it took was one viewing of Experiment 820 "Space Mutiny" to get me to appreciate the unavoidable pull of such horrendous films.

This movie is so blatantly 1980s, there's no way anyone can respect it. The crew of dopplegangers on the Southern Sun include Captain Santa Claus, his daughter Shari Lewis, and Ensign Sting. But in spite of the arrival of the Bellarians (a group of Macarena-dancing psychics holding a wiccan Tupperware party in an attempt to oust the Benedictine Monks from the floorboards), all is not calm on the "Battlestar Galactica"-stolen ship, for deep in the bowels of its hundred-acre boiler room lurks Kalgon, who plots a mutiny and refuses to suffer "meddling fools" gladly. So in steps Slab Bulkhead...I mean, Fridge Largemeat...I mean, Punt Speedchunk...well, the beefy action hero with the intent of flattening evil and getting Santa's shapely "doctor lady" daughter in the sack (or the AstroTurf of her recycling bin garden, whatever). The murders of Ensign Rick Springfield and a serpentine-faced woman with an armadillo down her trousers (surprisingly, her death doesn't stop her from returning to her post one scene later) leads Bolt Vanderhuge to chase the pointy-faced Kalgon through the basement in a pair of Lark zambonis.

After this, Trunk Slamchest proceeds to bumble his way through the rest of the ship, coming across Bobby Boris Pickett's stash of frozen people and serving as the guest of honor at Sherri's birthday party. Of course, Kalgon is still plotting away, and despite the reluctance of John Waters to spill any information, Crud Bonemeal takes it upon himself to go after the greasy guy himself. During all this, Kalgon kidnaps the captain's daughter and practices for his dentistry exam on her, but she escapes by seducing the fat schlub manning the wall-mounted keyboards. Once she's reunited with Slate Fistcrunch, they GO! GO! GO! GO! GO! into the boiler room AGAIN and proceed to grapple with the entire mutinous crew. Slab Squatthrust gets a good workout of his golfball-sized lymph nodes and outmaneuvers every laser blast (but then again, the bad guys did set their phasers to "miss"). I won't give away the ending, but believe me, Big McLargeHuge proves to be an action hero of limited edge.

I highly recommend avoiding this glob of 1980s cinematic sludge at all costs - unless, of course, you've got Mike Nelson, Tom Servo, and Crow T. Robot in front of it. Then, by all means, go for it.

Tiny Toon Adventures: How I Spent My Vacation (1992 Video)

A Real Rarity - A GOOD Direct-to-Video Animated Movie!

[10/10 · 16 January 2005]

CAUTION: Potential Spoilers Ahead!

"Steven Spielberg Presents Tiny Toon Adventures" was always one of my favorite cartoons growing up (heck, it still is). And this movie perfectly captures everything I love about the show and puts it in full-length form.

Beautifully animated by the Tokyo Movie Shinsa studio (WB outsourced every "Tiny Toons" project, and this was the best studio to handle the show), the movie starts at the end of the school year at Acme Looniversity, the renowned cartoon college where Buster and Babs Bunny (no relation) and their teenage toon peers learn from the masters of animated lunacy, the Looney Tunes. After the final bell, the movie splits off into five different plots. Buster engages Babs in a water gun fight that culminates with a bursting dam and a tidal wave, sending Buster, Babs, and Elmyra's dog Byron downriver on an overturned picnic table in search of adventure in the deep South. Plucky Duck talks Hamton Pig and his family into letting him come with them to HappyWorldLand, "The Happiest Place in the Western Hemisphere", but he has to put up with an excruciating car ride and the threat of a chainsaw-wielding hitchhiker. Elmyra's cat Furball finally runs away, but she isn't daunted...not when there are plenty of "aminals" to play with at the Acme Safari Park. Fifi la Fume devotes her summer to hunting down her heartthrob, movie star Johnny Pew, in the hopes of getting an autograph. Of course, the hotel he's staying at is nearly impenetrable. And Shirley McLoon sets up a fortune telling booth on the Acme Acres Boardwalk...and lets her guard down on her day off when Fowlmouth takes her to see the horror flick "Skunkophobia".

All these story lines are sidesplittingly hilarious, and some of them even overlap in the end. The only complaint I have with this movie is that it doesn't make full use of the Tiny Toons roster - Dizzy Devil and Mary Melodie have only one scene, Gogo Dodo only appears at the beginning and end of the film, and Montana Max, Sweetie, Calamity Coyote, and Little Beeper are nowhere to be found. Still, they're excusable flaws in an otherwise perfect film. This movie is pretty rare today, since it's over 12 years old and has never been released on DVD to my knowledge, but I highly suggest you track it down - anyone who's a fan of Warner Bros. animation, either classic or contemporary, NEEDS to see this movie.

Coal Black and de Sebben Dwarfs (1943)

That mean IL' queen, she sure is a fright, but that girl So White is dynamite!

[19 August 2004]

For years, I had heard of this cartoon yet never seen it. One of the infamous "Censored 11" (almost a dozen Warner Bros. theatrical cartoons that were forever suspended from television broadcast in the 1960s), it looked as if my chances would always be slim to none. But I have recently obtained a video copy of it and several other restricted "Looney Tunes" and "Merrie Melodies" and can now judge for myself how good it is.

As it turns out, all those critics were dead right! "Coal Black and de Sebben Dwarfs" is undoubtedly the flat-out funniest and most frenetically paced Bob Clampett cartoon I've ever laid eyes on - and this is up there with "The Great Piggy Bank Robbery", "Kitty Kornered", "Baby Bottleneck", "The Big Snooze", "Tortoise Wins By a Hare", Draftee Daffy", "A Tale of Two Kitties", and scads of others. Sure, its caricatures are seen today as appalling, but I know the context that this cartoon was supposed to be seen in. When thought of as a morale-raising wartime cartoon with one foot steadied in the world of jazz and black entertainment, this film is hilarious. In fact, several people have noted that this film's positive portrayal of blacks in the US Army was actually one of the few instances of such in film at the time. And the animation is certainly some of the best to come out of the Clampett unit - the dance scenes between Prince Chawmin' and So White, the flailing and unrestrained movements of the characters, and the Dwarfs' final attack on "Queenie" are all virtuoso pieces of work. The music and singing are astoundingly well-done, adding a jazzy spin to this particular Merrie Melodie. And as always, Treg Brown's sound effects make the film that much better (the numerous "p-zings" and "beyowhups" and "trombone gobbles" throughout the soundtrack never get old). Altogether this is a true winning effort. Despite its reputation, this cartoon can't be overlooked when observing Clampett's efforts at the Warner studio. As Steve Schneider put it in his 1988 book "That's All Folks! The Art of Warner Bros. Animation", this is a film masterpiece in miniature. And that is not a military secret.

Now, if I can only get my hands on "Tin Pan Alley Cats" and "Russian Rhapsody"...

All This and Rabbit Stew (1941)

Well, shut my mouth! Rabbit tracks!

[19 August 2004]

This cartoon is truly a momentous one - it's the last Bugs Bunny cartoon released to theaters that was directed by Tex Avery, the man who essentially created the rabbit we all know and love. Due to a skirmish with executive producer Leon Schlesinger over an edit made to one of his previous cartoons, Avery was fired and his name was removed from this film's credits, but it's still widely recognized as one of his best works.

Regrettably, Bugs Bunny's antagonist in this film is a stereotypical black hunter (often called Sambo by the Warner animation followers) and as a result of this, "All This and Rabbit Stew" was forced to join the ranks of such masterpieces as "Tin Pan Alley Cats" and "Coal Black and de Sebben Dwarfs" on the infamous Censored 11 list (and it's the only Bugs Bunny cartoon on that list). But that doesn't make it any less of a cartoon. It has numerous hilarious gags that feature Avery's trademark impossibility (these could be spoilers to those who haven't seen the film) - Bugs moves his rabbit hole across the ground and up the side of a tree, Sambo runs out a hollow log and right off a cliff but still manages to run back, and the side-splitting wild take where Bugs' arms, legs, tail, and head all pop off as he screams. The cartoon's conclusion, the result of a high-stakes dice game, is just as funny as the rest of it, if not more so - but I won't reveal it here. I'll just say that not even the trademark Warner Bros. iris out stops Bugs from getting in one last prank on his antagonist!

Despite its racial stereotypes, this film is not racist - for back in the 1940s, such caricature was done without any mean-spiritedness at the Warner animation studio. Rather, it's just a very funny Bugs cartoon in which Bugs' predator happens to be black. As Sambo says during his dice game with Bugs, "What's the matter with that?"

Looney Tunes: Back in Action (2003)

Best Theatrical Looney Tunes Movie Ever

[23 April 2004]

I don't care what the critics or the masses said, this movie was absolutely sensational! Great writing, superb animation, and an authentically zany plot all added up to the best effort made by Warner Bros. to revive the beloved "Looney Tunes" characters. If you disliked "Space Jam", this movie is for you. If you liked "Space Jam", this movie is definitely for you. The chemistry between Bugs and Daffy (as well as Kate and DJ) throughout the film is spot-on, and the jokes are always pleasing. Plus, if you're a Warner Bros. animation buff like I am, you'll love catching all the inside jokes, including throwbacks to classic "Looney Tunes" and "Merrie Melodies" cartoons and minor characters popping up in the background. The use of each major "Looney Tunes" supporting player (Elmer Fudd, Yosemite Sam, Porky Pig, Speedy Gonzales, Wile E. Coyote, Road Runner, Foghorn Leghorn, Sylvester, Tweety, Marvin the Martian, Pepe Le Pew, and the Tasmanian Devil) fits into the movie perfectly. In all, a winning and vastly underrated film that surely should have made more money at the box office than it did.