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Checkin' It Twice (2023)
Let's talk about Idaho Falls...
This movie is probably typical Hallmark fare if you've never been to Idaho Falls, but as someone who grew up there (and someone who's watched plenty of Hallmark movies), I gotta say that this movie exemplifies what people don't like about the genre. They make Idaho Falls look like a blend of Jackson Hole and Park City with the giant hockey arena and people who have a guest house. Neither of those things exist in IF (except maybe at Frank Vandersloot's house). If you're gonna set a movie in a real place, don't just throw a dart at a map-use its actual character. If you set a movie in New York City, you don't keep referring to a Griffith Park; that's essentially the setting sin this movie makes, the kind that fully takes you out of it. If they set this in a fake place, most of that problem takes care of itself. Also, for all the Idahoans out there, can we learn to say Boise correctly? Pretty please?
Romantic Comedy (2019)
Too much and too little
This film has the feel of a glorified YouTube video mixed with a personal essay and a dash of uncited sources. The filmmaker does a good job summarizing the basic contemporary complaints about romantic comedies as a genre, and I agree with her take that rom coms are now disguising themselves in other genres (although the example of God's Own Country doesn't feel perfect because it seems like just a romance, not a rom com-having a declaration of love and a happy ending don't automatically make a film a rom com). However, I was bothered that the other voices she brought in are not given any face time or credited; there's no way to know which name from the opening credits goes with which voice. And the music throughout does not add anything. Be a video essay and explain why you're sharing each clip or be a montage that lets viewers draw their own conclusions, but this mush mash of both doesn't work.
The Verdict (1982)
Human memory on trial...
So, I wouldn't say I disliked this movie, and I could feel the craft of it in every frame. But the movie offers no justification for why the verdict is rendered the way it is. Paul Newman made mistakes at every turn, found the right witness, brought her to the stand, and then her testimony was thrown out. I guess the point is that people can't just forget that kind of evidence, which is something I quibble with in almost every courtroom drama where dramatic evidence gets thrown out. But if that's the point, why the slow meandering toward such a simple ending and outcome? I must just be basic and prefer John Grisham. At least on Law and Order, getting the law stuff wrong (or right but in a severely slanted way) is part of the schtick and they don't waste my time about it.
A Christmas Story Christmas (2022)
I never even laughed
Yikes this was not good. I gave it an hour but just couldn't keep going. It leaned so hard on the exact scenes and characters and even actors of the original that it forgot the thing that actually makes the original work: Christmas through the eyes of a child. Christmas through the eyes of an adult Ralphie is not intriguing or magical. The narration only makes sense when it has the eyes of nostalgia and the unreliable narrator perspective of childhood.
Skip this and just watch 8-Bit Christmas, which is essentially A Christmas Story but set in the '80s. Or better yet, read the original stories the book was based on.
Merry Kiss Cam (2022)
Adults going on dates?!?
Finally one of these movies when two adults actually choose to date like adults instead of just running into each other around town and pretending they don't know what kissing is. Barely a Christmas movie but who cares? I've seen enough stages tree lightings to last three lifetimes. Chemistry between the leads was on fire. More please! At this point I just have to fill space but if you are still reading, you should know I also liked the hockey element, the Nick Miller vibes on Jesse Bradford, the leading lady having her own look instead of the same generic hair and clothes the leading women's have on basic cable.
School of Chocolate (2021)
Tone whiplash
This show has such a tone problem. Reality competitions can have some backbiting and infighting among the contestants, but it feels out of place when they're also supposed to be learning. Like, which is it? A supportive learning environment or a cat fight?
Nailed It! (2018)
Truly don't get the appeal
Just not for me. I at least want there to be the possibility of success if I decide to waste an hour on a cooking show.
Eight Gifts of Hanukkah (2021)
Where to begin? Ugh!
Look, Jake Epstein was one of the more charming CTC leads in 2021, and the two leads even had some genuine moments of chemistry. But I was literally yelling at the tv for the entire second half. What gives him the right to complain about her not thinking he's the secret admirer when he hasn't done what the other guys on her list have done and ASK HER OUT?!? The least believable Hallmark movies always feature way too much "guys talking about their crushes with other guys" time as if they are in junior high instead of their mid 30s.
And also, what was with a live band playing the track of Howie Day's "Collide" at the end complete with his vocal??? If you are a cover band, you don't play the original artist's voice over top.
Nailed It! (2018)
Truly don't get the appeal
Just not for me. I at least want there to be the possibility of success if I decide to waste an hour on a cooking show.
Christmas Ever After (2020)
I usually like these but...
The actors deserve so much better than this. I faithfully watch all the films of this type every year, but this one is just trying too hard and not succeeding. All the conversations bring up a topic that seems like it should move the plot forward, but then someone leaves the room and nothing moves forward. That is not banter. I quit 25 minutes in. It's just poor writing. I really hope Ali Stroker gets to be in another one of these (or that Broadway reopens). If you like the leading man, watch him in Chicago Fire or Major Crimes. This movie just doesn't work.
Love at Sea (2018)
Voice of dissent
All these reviews are so negative and yeah, this wasn't the best Hallmark movie and was FULL of product placement (if you can call a cruise a product) but it wasn't a 1. If anything, the leads actors seemed too familiar with each other but I wouldn't say they had zero chemistry.