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The Goldbergs (2013)
Possibly the worst television show ever made.
Awful writing. Pathetic, amateur directing. Talentless "acting". Sad, bland set design. Boring costume. All of this is topped by the most random, inconsistent casting in the history of motion picture technology. This random collection of people look as related to one another as the Village People.
I want to thank those at ABC for showing the world what our crippled education system is doing to our society. Hopefully this show will trigger a new drive to repair our schools, lower college costs and generally educate people - ultimately erasing this kind of stupidity once and for all.
In the meantime, I'd be interested to see which is worse for your brain - one viewing of this show or binge drinking gasoline. Anyone know the answer?
Lunopolis (2010)
An intelligent, well thought out sci-fi film
I found Lunopolis as a suggestion on Netflix and gave it a shot. What I was expecting was a typical first-person, shaking camera thriller. What I found was quite different.
The plot was unique and refreshingly intelligent. Nothing in the film was particularly "dumbed down" for wider appeal, and I am appreciative of this. Too often, a good idea becomes watered-down garbage so that it makes a few more dollars. This is not the case in Lunopolis.
Set in the environment of December, 2012 the film explores several typical and several not-so-typical themes regarding the 12/21/2012 mythology and ties them into a fairly intricate science fiction plot involving a team of filmmakers who tumble down a rabbit hole when they find a particular polaroid picture. Time travel, inter-dimensional mechanics and immortality are all touched upon in a film that has surprising depth and style.
The acting is better than I would expect for a film like this, the effects were way above average and the script is solid but there is another surprise in this film: The soundtrack.
An incredible array of artists provide the emotions to this film. Explosions in the Sky and Thee Silver Mt. Zion (formerly A Silver Mt. Zion)and others give the film an epic-feel through an intense musical score that I hope I will be able to find on CD or iTunes soon.
Overall, this film is worth every second I spent watching it and I don't get to say that nearly enough, so thank you Lunopolis!
The Sitter (2011)
One of the worst attempts at comedy in the entire history of mankind.
Let's get right to the point. Let's skip the foreplay. This movie is awful. I mean terrible, horrible, disgustingly pathetically tragically desperately bad. If this movie were a living organism, it would be an airborne Ebola virus that evolved hands and stabs you with tiny little knives in the face.
I'll start with the blatant racism/bigotry in this film. All Jews are awesome and rich, all blacks are violent and angry, all Hispanics are destructive knife-wielders with no English skills, all gays are closet-case medicated and uncomfortable in their own skin when they aren't screeching like women roller-skating around a coke dealers house. Got it. Next?
It should technically not be labeled a comedy, since there's absolutely no jokes. This would be more of a drama. The only smile that came in this movie was when it ended, knowing it was over.Knowing I could put this movie behind me like a Penn fan tries to forget Sandusky. Watching 'The Sitter' is seriously more depressing than watching 'The Notebook' after getting dumped.
OK, racism, bigotry, lack of jokes...ah, the horrible acting. That would be the logical next criticism. The acting in this movie was worse than watching a group of freshman high school kids improv Shakespeare while under the influence of Ecstasy. Actually, having just written that and thought about it, I'd rather see that. By far.
The script - I'm not even going to go there. Think 'Adventures in Babysitting' direct rip-off except they forgot to rip off the comedy.
Just don't see this movie. And tell others not to see it. In fact, make it your lifes work to prevent people you care about from seeing this film and you will be able to say you made this world a better place.
The Box (2009)
Mr. Kelly, you're too smart for your own good.
Richard Kelly has always stood out to me for his intellect, if nothing else. Donnie Darko was an incredible film, albeit not prepared for mass consumption. Southland Tales was arguably an artistic vision realized after a long labor, so I respect him for that. The concepts he went after head-on were deep, thought-provoking and challenging for the audience.
The Box doesn't live up to that standard.
A single premise was waved in previews and film taglines like a flag, luring people in to see what they believed would be a film about a couple facing a moral/ethical dilemma. Who wouldn't be tempted by the advertised premise of the film in these economic times?
However this film veers off of a ledge and plummets down a rabbit hole so quickly, it risks leaving the majority of viewers behind.
Once again Kelly takes on challenging concepts, this time tackling ideas such as God, the afterlife and extraterrestrial existence with the same vague dream-like referencing that populated his last two films. I'm afraid that this time, Richard, you may have proved too smart for your own good as you took all these concepts on in such a vague, coded fashion that many outstanding references ("Free or not free, you decide" for example) have been lost in the undertow, washed beneath a flood of puzzle pieces that all appear at first glance to be totally random.
There was an excellent story here, but somewhere along the line it became something else. Perhaps it needed more time, perhaps I needed more time to consider it, but I left the theater feeling like 'The Box' needed at least another fifteen minutes worth of glue to aid me in making all these pieces stick together in a coherent picture.
There's always hope for a directors cut DVD.
Beverly Hills Chihuahua (2008)
I'd rather drown in a vat of boiling bleach than see this movie again.
Having recently been hospitalized, I came out to take my son to the movies. My innocent 6 year old son thought this movie looked funny, so I said OK and bought the tickets - THINKING WE WERE GOING TO SEE A CARTOON OR CG FILM.
What I witnessed over the next 55 minutes was the equivalent to pornography for the stupid. It wasn't funny. It wasn't cute. It wasn't clever. It was brutal. It was pathetic. It was drivel.
My son found several scenes quite funny, but mostly sat in silence as we watched this disgusting vomit fest unfold before our eyes. Bored and nearly comatose, I sat back in the chair pondering the least painful way to gauge my eyes out with the tools I had at hand...soda straw, car keys, fingers...
The "plot"...oh God to even call it such a thing is to completely mislead you....became more asinine with each ticking second. First, rich spoiled chihuahua with an owner I found myself genuinely hating with all the red fiery anger of Hell gets a babysitter (some woman who rapidly became the only reason I even occasionally glanced at the screen). Next the somehow wind up in Mexico or something because at one point, the spoiled rat dog wound up in a cage preparing to fight a Doberman or something. All I know is that I was FERVENTLY praying to God, Allah, Zeus, Buddha, Johnny Carson and anyone else who could hear me to PLEASE let the Doberman shred that dog like a steak. To my complete and total disappointment, that did not happen. And so the "plot"...oh there's that word again.....progressed and at some point the skank rat wound up at an aztec temple filled with rat dog chihuahuas. Meanwhile being hunted by the Doberman, who I rooted for like I rooted for the Red Sox when they put it to the Yankees.
Finally, I stood up and proclaimed "Dammit son, we must escape!" and with my son over my shoulder, I fled the premises.
Leaving the movie early allowed me to make up my own ending. One which involved heavy amounts of gratuitous violence against practically every character I saw on the screen....perhaps Tarantino stepped in at the last second and gave that film a nice swift kick where it needed to be kicked.......
But what I saw damaged me. I'll never be the same. I cry...I don't know why. I want to lash out and yell at my friends.....I have no clue as to why. Last night I found myself curled in a ball weeping uncontrollably.....
I lost my innocence that night. I lost my will to live. I lost my faith in the decency of human kind. I lost my 16 dollars on tickets to that crapfest.
In summary, I honestly hope that all parties responsible for this trainwreck have to answer for their atrocities in Hell.
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008)
In a word : Tripe
Indiana Jones is back, and so is George Lucas' penchant for ruining perfectly good stories with over the top effects.
A solid foundation is present for a good story here, and Spielberg promptly crashes it into the ground. Adorable groundhogs and monkeys don't make us coo, guys, it makes us furrow our brows and yawn.
Not only is the South American Native culture raped and pillaged throughout this film, but unfortunately so is the Jones franchise. Ridiculous stunts such as Mutt swinging on vines ala Tarzan (and keeping up with speeding Jeeps no less) weigh down the story so much it becomes almost unbearable to watch. I spent too much time groaning "God, give me a break" to be able to actually get into the story.
Highlights to the film include some incredible scenery, Harrison Ford manages to surprise everyone with his stunts and the fact that Spielberg and co. had the stones to make this film to begin with, but unfortunately those highlights cannot offset the weight of the negatives in this film.
For some reason Lucas missed a very important lesson he should have learned recently, which is : If you're not going to actually improve a franchise, let it die with dignity.
I Am Legend (2007)
Decent, predictable thriller.
Not much to say about 'I am Legend'. A decent film that somehow combined '28 Days Later' with 'Cast Away' and it worked, for the most part.
My problem with the film, and many will lash out at me over this, was Will Smith playing the same character he played in 'I, Robot' and 'Independence Day'. There wasn't much room in the film for him to develop a character of his own, so what was left was a bland hero that we're expected to cheer for without truly knowing anything about him.
Great effects, eerie settings and an excellent score helped move the story along, but I felt that there were many things that could have been done that were simply glossed over or left to the viewers imagination. (The mutants sensitivity to sunlight, the apparent abundance of electricity/fuel etc)
For example, driving in New York City is virtually impossible *without* a quarantine, dangerous wildlife and a race of mutated zombies plaguing the streets, yet we see driving multiple times in the movie without much problem.
If you want to see an epic film that challenges your intellect, this isn't the one for you. If you're looking for a decent film with a nice post-apocalyptic background that doesn't make you think very much, this is the film for you.
Veronica Guerin (2003)
She put her family in danger so she could be on TV
That's about the start and the finish to it. This movie portrays a woman lusting not after the greater good, but after the celebrity that accompanied her work - irregardless of whether or not her family suffered consequences of her actions.
After being threatened with the kidnap and rape of her child, she still goes on television telling her story, it became obvious to me that this is not the tale of a hero, but the story of the self-obsessed idiot who only cared for her own career.
Terrible film, poor acting and the make-up crew screwed up on John (tan face, white hands) so badly I actually laughed. In summary,I wouldn't recommend this film to my dog. Nothing else can really be said about it.
Halloween (2007)
Rob Zombie - You ruined my childhood, you selfish little man.
And so it goes that Rob Zombie, great horror mastermind and irrelevant metal vocalist, takes on one of my personal favorites in the Hollywood horror genre and promptly reduces it to the value of a single piece of dog feces.
I rated this film a 4 not because it had much value, but that I simply could not bring myself to give it the rating it truly deserves - a zero. The film starts off in decent fashion, giving us insight into the mind of the childhood Michael Myers, yet the film fails to explain why exactly this background is even relevant. All I know is that the little kid cast as Michael in the film looked like he did more drugs than Sheri Moon, who played his mother. That's a lot of drugs. The only scenes he didn't looked completely stoned in were scenes in which he inexplicably appeared to gain 75 pounds in his face. An odd phenomenon, and one of the few pseudo-interesting things happening in this movie.
Aside from the blubber-faced stoner kid, we are treated to a girl cast as the heroine who literally begs the audience to hate her. The person who actually did the casting for this film must have had serious drug/alcohol issues to cast the little punk Scout Taylor-Compton as Laurie in this film. Not only does she display the single most annoying voice in the history of horror cinema, her character is one that I actually WANTED to see get beaten repeatedly with a blunt instrument. Her acting "skills" aside, her dress, her appearance, her character lines...all simply cried out "Please Michael, kill me for the pleasure of the audience". Unfortunately, like so many things in this movie, that wish is not delivered as Laurie survives through the entirety of this travesty of a film.
Terrible cast aside, let's look at key scenes that were omitted. The classic laundry room scene, the equally compelling scene where Tommy sees the "Boogey Man" carrying his victim around the neighboring house as he stares out the window....these classic scenes are totally gone. Scenes from the original that Rob did remake in the film are pointless, almost pathetic in their attempts to top the original scenes. And the fact that the film establishes Laurie is Michaels sister from the get-go is a terrible idea that completely erases the creepy "randomness" of Michaels attacks.
In closing, if you want to see a classic horror film, see the original Halloween. If you want to see a classic horror film get completely raped and pillaged, see Rob Zombies Halloween.
Pulse (2006)
I'd rather spend a night lancing blemishes with a rusted needle than watch this again
There are no words in the English language that can adequately describe just how terrible this film really is, but let's see if I can try to describe it.
First, a question to Wes Craven: Did you even THINK about research before writing this script? Was it too much effort to actually research the topic of modern technology before attempting to write this pseudo-trendy wannabe horror film? Perhaps it's time for that nursing home now, Wes. Perhaps you could scare your roommates there because you surely didn't scare anybody with this film.
The only thing that frightened me about this movie is the knowledge that there are people out there who will actually like it. That's far scarier than anything you will see in this pathetic mix of 'Scream' and 'The Ring'. Imagine 'The Ring' with annoying, spoiled college kids forced into suicide after a computer virus decodes demons out of thin air. Somehow, the only way these kids can defend themselves is with red duct tape - something that is neither explained nor remotely conceivable. If you can imagine that, then don't see this film as whatever you've pictured HAS TO BE BETTER THAN THIS.
First in the long, long list of problems with this film is the fact that it was made at all. Second to that, the absolute lack of anything close to logic regarding technology is astounding. It's as if the person that wrote this simply skimmed an issue of PC Weekly and wrote the entire script by randomly inserting technological terms they thought sounded modern or impressive. Third problem in the list is how desperate the film feels - desperate to be "hip" or "in". This film is not unlike the woman you see hanging around in the mall wearing clothes that she is WAY too old to be wearing. That's how this movie feels. It tries so hard to pander to a young audience that it literally becomes a joke. Wes should have called this script "Hey kids, I'm still cool, right?". Yawn.
Another one of the many flaws is the "heroine" of the story. So stupid is she that she hears a military message on the radio stating that cell phones, computers and PDA's are dangerous and IMMEDIATELY opens up her cell phone - only to get attacked. I found myself ENCOURAGING the internet demon things - I actually cheered the thing on - "Eat her, yeah, suck out her soul or whatever it is you're supposed to be doing!" Already I've spent more time discussing this terrible excuse for a waste of time so I'll summarise : From inane opening to ridiculous end, this film is a larger waste of time than harvesting maggots for fun and profit.
The Ring Two (2005)
I Wanted to Gauge my Eyes Out with Red Hot Spoons
From the opening credits on, everything about this movie was so terrible it was virtually spellbinding.
I'm assuming there was, after many bottles of cheap wine and perhaps other illicit substances, some type of plot in the mind of the writer or writers. They failed to get any single piece of it across intelligently. I'd imagine the director had some type of artistic theme he wanted us to see. He failed miserably. In fact, the director of this film should be whisked away to Guantanamo Bay for unleashing this devastating plague upon the populace.
Near the end of this so-called "film" as Naomi Watts perches atop a cliff, planning to leap to her death in the waters below, I prayed she would do it. I wanted her to jump. I wanted her to leap off of that cliff and drag the director, the writer, the producer and anyone else responsible for placing this torture-device in front of me straight down with her.
The soundtrack : horrid. The acting : artificial. The plot : non-existent. The directing: amateur. The effects : pathetic. The script : ludicrous.
I could go on, but I've wasted enough time actually watching this train-wreck of a film. I can't bring myself to waste any more time actually discussing it. If anyone asks me, I will deny seeing this film to the day I pass away - just to INSURE I do not dedicate another second of my life to this monstrosity.
Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo (2005)
A steaming stream of pure, unadulterated waste.
Every scene of this film was the near equivalent of a rusted staple being shoved underneath of my fingernails.
Is this what Sandler is reduced to producing? Is this what Schneider is reduced to performing? Watching him unleash his patented bug eyes in yet another dim-witted, poorly scripted piece of toilet-fodder was not unlike watching a hamster running on a wheel for a treat or attention. This is Rob Schneider saying "Look at me! Pat me on the head, everyone! I can do a trick! Can I have my treat now?"
So wretched...I am actually in the process of developing a memory-erasing technology to forget I was ever exposed to this toxic filth. Of course, if I do that, I may inadvertently go and see this rubbish again, and while my mind may not remember the pain, my soul will surely die an agonizing death.
Just writing about it, giving it this much of my time and attention after all it has already taken from me, makes me feel unclean.
I need a shower.
Fahrenheit 9/11 (2004)
On behalf of the United States of America
On behalf of Americans, thank you Michael. This film is exactly what every single person I know wanted to see, and thanks to you , we have a voice.
After we as a nation were robbed of a voice during the debacle of 2000, you sent a message to the world that I could not have said better myself.
Your film invoked tears of absolute anger in a packed audience in Frederick Maryland last week. It also received an ovation , the likes of which I have never witnessed in a movie theater in my life.
Thank you.
Batoru rowaiaru II: Chinkonka (2003)
What else would one possibly want?
I have no idea what some slack-jawed yokels are whining about when they critique this film...it is amazing. From the breathtaking intro to the surprisingly original end, this film has in it everything you could want in a follow-up to Battle Royale.
Now, if you are looking for a Battle Royale I clone, this is NOT the film for you. Who wants a clone? I want an original idea taking place in the universe of BR I, not an exact duplicate. That's why I OWN Battle Royale, if I want to see the first movie, I'll watch the first movie. I wanted something amazing and just as thought provoking as Battle Royale, and Battle Royale 2 proved to be exactly that.
Let's forget the severely thought-provoking political messages in the film, the story itself is an amazingly keen logical progression in the story line.
As for the politics, one will take from this movie what they choose to take from it, but if you watch the film and ignore the messages, you are in for a very confusing and most likely disappointing ride. This is a film with obvious underlying messages, and those cannot be discarded or else the movie will fall apart. Whether you agree or disagree with the standpoint of the oxymoronic "hero" of this film, you will have to follow the developements attentively or you will miss out on the core of this film.
Those claiming to hate this movie most likely didn't UNDERSTAND it. If you didn't like it on a political level, that's understandable, but I see several reviews bashing this movie for no other reason than pure ignorance, and that is extremely sad.
See it, judge it for yourself. Those watching with closed minds should prepare to have their minds blown open whether they like it or not.
Batoru rowaiaru (2000)
Amazing.
If you have to rob, cheat or steal to see this film, do so without hesitation.
It will instantly rank on your top 10, hands down.
Mulholland Dr. (2001)
The Spoiler-Filled Idiots Guide to Mulholland Dr.
OK,
I have held my fingers from typing this for long enough. Each person that posted their little "This makes no sense" rant, please stop reading this post right now because it will make you think too hard and God forbid you do that!
The key (no pun intended) to this film is to understand the concept that Naomi Watts dreamt the entire opening half of the film. In a desperate attempt to "escape" a reality where she is rejected by her one love who she has killed, she created this 'pseudo-reality' that allowed her to cope with the loss of her girlfriend. From the horrible events that befall Adam to the exaggerated innocence of Betty, she invented the perfect world for herself...then woke to the realization that she had her former love killed.
This is not a difficult concept to grasp, nor is the obvious references to dreaming that you are given throughout the film. Including but not limited to the freakish grins on the faces of those that dropped her off at the airport, the waitress in Winkies that served Betty and Rita who happened to also be portrayed by Naomi Watts and the glorified representation of a "key" throughout the first half of the film...
To anyone who cannot see the brilliance of this film, be it Adams reaction when he notices his wife is not by the pool, the portrayal of "The Man" who pulls all of the strings or the incredible acting on the part of Watts, I pity you. A film worthy of repetition finally comes out, after years of drivel such as Cat in the Hat, and people have the audacity/ignorance/stupidity to hurl insults at it without taking the time to understand it.
"Silencio"
The Cat in the Hat (2003)
Crap in a Hat
When my own child is begging me to leave the opening show of this film, I know it is bad. I wanted to claw my eyes out. I wanted to reach through the screen and slap Mike Myers for sacrificing the last shred of dignity he had. This is one of the few films in my life I have watched and immediately wished to "unwatch", if only it were possible. The other films being 'Troll 2' and 'Fast and Furious', both which are better than this crap in the hat.
I may drink myself to sleep tonight in a vain attempt to forget I ever witnessed this blasphemy on the good Seuss name.
To Mike Myers, I say stick with Austin or even resurrect Waynes World. Just because it worked for Jim Carrey, doesn't mean Seuss is a success for all Canadians.