ihateeverymovieisee Reviews

I, Robot (2004)

I, Enjoyed It

[17 July 2004]

Surprisingly I enjoyed this film although this may be partially due to the fact that I was a gorgeous woman. We cuddled up in the front row and watched a 20 foot tall Will Smith battle robots. I was a bit skeptical of this film at first, but the Will Smith humor, special effects, story line, and characters make it an enjoyable sci-fi adventure. Things are quick and to the point with no bullcrap scenes that are ever-present in most movies made today. I was quite pleased with this film and would recommend it to the whole family. As long as the young ones are able to handle sci-fi violence and some strong language. Other than that, this movie was very good, but is probably only watchable once or twice at most. Some things about the movie don't make much sense, but I suppose this is intentional because most sci-fi stuff is a little bizarro.

S.W.A.T. (2003)

S.Q.U.A.T.

[17 July 2004]

I remember watching this movie, but can't quite recall what it was really about. Mainly an action flick that includes a few big names, but other than that nothing worthy of praise or even a single viewing. I suppose this piece of boo boo could be watched once, but if you want to see something good try to find something else. This movie had a few moments, I think, but since I obviously can't remember them - they couldn't have been too good. If you're interested in a current action flick maybe this IS the movie you. Samuel L. Jackson does a great job as usual in most of his movies and Colin Farrell is definitely the hottest man alive (I would gladly be the mother of his children even though I'm already married and have 2 kids of my own, I wouldn't think twice about leaving my family if ol' Collie came my way).

Leprechaun 3 (1995 Video)

I Remember This

[17 July 2004]

I remember seeing this movie when I was in the 6th or 7th grade I got the biggest erection of my life! The nude scenes are of softcore quality (emphasis on big boobs) but I would never in my life consider watching this movie because it's terribly boring. Watch a porno if you want to see the softcore stuff because this isn't worth it, but maybe you can rent it and fast- forward through to see the scene I'm talking about. I had such an imagination when I was boy! Anyway, this movie sucks of course, but might be good for you parents to rent for your young teen boys that are not often exposed to pornography. Let them have this movie to watch so that they can take care of business (masturbate) and leave you alone. Once they are calm, they will do whatever you tell them to. Trust me on this one.

Scary Movie 3 (2003)

Lukewarm

[8 July 2004]

If you're in the mood to watch a silly movie with 3rd grade humor, this is the film for you. The movie is surely not as funny as the previous titles, mainly because the humor is watered down for a PG-13 rating. There are some hilarious moments, but it's a different kind of comedy as opposed to that found in the Wayans' brothers offensive brand of humor. Pamela Anderson makes a cameo appearance in this movie and I must say that she looks terrible! I don't see why men find her attractive. Of course she has rather large badoombadooms, but her face looks so manufactured in this pic that it's disgusting.

I would check this movie out, only if you must see every film in a series. If you're not that type of person, skip this title.

Under the Cherry Moon (1986)

Prince's Best Film

[8 July 2004]

Although 'Under the Cherry Moon' could not possibly be enjoyed by anyone that doesn't like Prince, for me, it brings back some memories of a time before I knew what hatred and depression was. I remember once viewing this film the day I got twice in a row because I loved how Prince and Jerome Benton got along in the film. I was a bit confused at the time, with the semi-homoerotic tendencies of the two (i.e. the bathtub scene...) but, only Prince can get away with such a thing. One thing that I'm impressed with about this movie is how great the picture is. The fact that it's in black and white makes it look fresh, yet classic - which fits the film since it is to take place in France. I would only recommend this title to Prince fans, because there's really nothing of value to non-Prince fans. The story is the basic Romeo and Juliet thing, with dashes of Prince's attempt at comedy, as well as some song and dance.

The Mechanic (1972)

Excellent Action Film

[8 July 2004]

This film I hated when I first saw it, because I wasn't really paying attention to what was going on, but when I saw it for the second time, I absolutely loved it! Every time I check out this movie, I'm in awe of how cool Charles Bronson is for being so calm he is no matter what is happening. This movie doesn't take up much time with b.s. scenes that are full of dialog and pointlessness. Instead, this movie gets straight to the point and has a story line that is totally awesome! The direction by Michael Winner is excellent and in my opinion is what should be emulated by current directors because the movie is very suspenseful - if you don't believe me, check out what he does with the opening scene with NO dialog. This is clearly one of Bronson's best films, and one of my favorites. Of course, if I like a movie, you know that it has to be at least kind of good because I hate every movie I see.

Spider-Man 2 (2004)

Spider-Bland 2

[7 July 2004]

Being utterly disappointed with the first Spider-Man film, I thought for some bizarre reason that this one might be better. I think that I thought the villian (Dr. Octopus, in comic terms, Doc Ock in this film) would be a cool, but of course I was wrong. First off, Tobey Maguire is unbearably annoying with his nerdiness, but then he becomes a total bad-ass when he puts on his suit - that's really stupid. The CGI was over done and done poorly. Spider-Man was too concerned with ballet while flying through the air, and lost all of what made him an admirable super hero. What's worse is that there was an irritating over-doing of women screaming at EVERYTHING in the movie. This reminded me of those old horror movies where people just stare and scream - it didn't work then, and it sure as hell doesn't work now. I was bored with this whole movie because it moved so unbearably slow, and any action that took place wasn't too exciting compared to the bland scenes that came before it. There was several irrelevant scenes in the movie that further destroyed its potential. I think that Sam Raimi would make a better Peter Parker, but it doesn't really matter because this series is beyond repair. Don't see this.

Daredevil (2003)

Daredevilishly Boring

[7 July 2004]

Colin Farrel (or however spelled) stars as the blind-as-a-bat superhero Daredevil's nemesis, Bullseye. Ben Affleck is a cutie, but his super-human abilities weren't very cool because when you think of it, who envies a blind person. I would definitely not sacrifice my sight for the ability to jump off of buildings and cheat death. Michael Clarke Duncan's character was pointless and stupid, and in fact there was no superhero in this movie that was someone that I cheered on. They were all so boring. The CGI in the movie was (as in most films that utilize CGI nowadays) terrible. I would not recommend seeing this film even if you are a die hard comic book fan, because the whole movie just plain sucks.

0 out of 100 stars.

The Big Gag (1987)

Horrible Beyond Belief

[7 July 2004]

The cover art for this film is what compelled me to rent it. It featured two Cheech and Chong wannabes looking up some sexy blonde's skirt. The movie was rated R and I figured that there was going to be an unbelievable amount of nudity in it. Unfortunately, the movie was neither funny nor sexual in anyway. There was one enjoyable scene, but it was surely nothing that is worth watching again or at all. You can get a bigger hard-on from watching Shrek. Anyway, I realized that my movie choosing skills had hit an all-time low once this movie began. There was terrible theme song music and the so-called comedy that exists within the film was nothing to be laughed at. This movie was the worst film that I've seen this summer and would rather have pitchforks stuck into my eyeballs as opposed to seeing this piece of sh*t again.

Super Size Me (2004)

Stupid Size Me

[29 June 2004]

This movie (as I could tell from the title) is unbearably stupid. First off, the documentor (if there is such a word) decides to eat nothing but 3 square meals of McDonald's (and nothing but) for 30 days straight. He proved that a healthy, rather unattractive man can gain 20 pounds during this time. The other items like the poor sex drive and depressed moods he went through were nothing but a result of knowing that he had to eat that McShlit all day for however many more days. Christ, I'd be depressed too, so when he explains some of the "horrifying" side effects that should alert us Americans, I don't really care because no one in their right mind would eat that much sh*t without getting the results that he did. The guy also only got minimal exercise and anyone that knows anything, knows that exercise is a bigger factor in weight maintenance than is a diet. This is a scientific fact (look it up if you don't believe me), this is why some of the people he interviews who eat tons of fast food don't gain weight. To make this documentary more realistic and to make his Mickey D bashing credible, he should have eaten a diet that an overweight person his size eats. Along with following their exercise plan (no matter how minimal). OK, so besides that like I said, no one eats 3 meals of McDonald's a day with no exercise (of any kind) for 30 days - not even fat a**es do this.

They just have a pituitary problem.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003)

Idiotic Kids

[28 June 2004]

A group of idiotic a**holes decide to go down to Mexxxico for spring break and end up driving through a deserted Texas town. Of course they decide to do the stupid thing and get themselves into serious trouble. The only enjoyable portion of the film is being able to enjoy the main actress's large bust and curvaceous buttox. I heard that she worked out quite a bit for this role and it shows. Unfortunately there is no nudity is this disasterpiece, and the premise of the film is so fudging stupid that there is no reason for viewing this. Thumbs down.

Donnie Darko (2001)

Donnie Dorko

[28 June 2004]

Donnie Darko stars Jake Gyllenhaal (or however spelled) and of course it sucks. There's nothing much to say about it, but I hate it so because it tries too hard to be a movie that is supposed to make you think. But, any film with Drew Barrymore in it can't possibly be made for thinking purposes. The whole concept of this film sucks and I hated looking at Donnie Dorko's fu_kin' face! He's a terrible actor and should be murdered in the worst way possible.

Cannibal Holocaust (1980)

Cannibal Holocaust SUCKS

[14 December 2003]

Cannibal Holocaust is by far one of the most boring movies I've

ever had to watch. The acting was horrendous and the child

pornography involved in the movie was highly disgusting, yet

erotic. This movie went against my strong Christian upbringing. I

wonder what Jesus would have to say about such a film? I think

that the filmmakers were on drugs when they made this and as

you all know, drugs are bad.

Super Mario Bros. (1993)

Super Stupid Movie

[12 November 2003]

This has to be one of the absolute worst movie ideas I've ever seen. A video

game that has no real plot being made into a movie is completely ridiculous. Not only is the movie highly inconsistent with the video game, but it's unbearably annoying with its stupid a** comedy and lame ending. I would have rather been raped by fifty horny prison inmates rather than watch this movie again.

Scary Movie 2 (2001)

Funny and Stupid

[8 November 2003]

Like Scary Movie 1 and any other Keenan Ivory Wayans film, this will be a bit cheesy and funny at the same time. There are several absurd scenes, but the

whole movie is supposed to be that way. I would recommend this film to

Christian church groups because they will appreciate the holiness contained in the film.

Scary Movie (2000)

Guaranteed to Offend Parents

[8 November 2003]

Scary Movie is the perfect movie for ages 15 to 20-something because of the

exaggerated sexual humor involved. The comedy can be kinda stupid at times,

but part of that stupidity is what makes the movie funny. I would not recommend this movie to anyone expecting to see anything spectacular or mind-blowing.

This is just a comedy movie with a LOT of toilet humor.

American Pie 2 (2001)

Avoid This So-Called Movie

[28 October 2003]

American Pie 2 is without a doubt one of my least favorite movies due to the cast of characters who portray the stereotype of upper class white teens. These

people have nice cars, friends, girls, huge houses, go to nice schools, a summer beach house, no job, and plenty of money, no problems, and so on. Movies like this completely contradict my Christian upbringing. The idea of premarital sex disgusts me, and personally, I think the whole act should be outlawed.

Whenever I felt tempted to laugh or have an erection during this movie, I just thought of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

In the Line of Fire (1993)

Too Unrealistic

[28 October 2003]

As a HUGE fan of Clint Eastwood, I can't help but admit that this movie was way too unrealistic, even for an action film. Clint's character is a bit too weak when compared to toughs like the man with no name or Harry Callahan. The movie

was mildly enjoyable, but so predictable that it never really stirred any suspense in me. There is some action in the film, but for the most part it is stale and expected, making this movie barely meet even the most average of viewer's

movie standards.

Thief (1981)

Well Directed, Well Acted...but boring

[28 October 2003]

Thief is a wonderfully directed and well acted film starring James Caan. The

music score was performed by Tangerine Dream; the 80s electronic/ psychadelic music really captured the emotions portrayed throughout the film. The movie is 2 hours, and unfortunately the first hour and a half are boring as hell. The real action doesn't take place till late in the film, and when it does, you don't care because you lost interest a long time before. People who don't mind long drawn out stories would really like this, but most people born before '81 will not be able to tolerate this.

Mad Max (1979)

Mad Me

[28 October 2003]

I really thought that this movie had potential until I saw the first few seconds of it. From the crappy picture quality, to the utterly annoying Austrailian accents in the film I barely made it through this movie. It was horrible, and I wouldn't

recommend it to anyone. I only watched it because this film is the predecessor to the sequel, The Road Warrior. However, this movie is not necessary to watch. It could have been good, but the gritty picture quality totally ruined this film.

Carrie (1976)

Classic Horror Film

[28 October 2003]

This is a great horror classic. Carrie and her mother do an excellent job of

pulling off believable characters, and keep you on the edge of your seat. The only problems with this movie is the poorly miscast with characters played by John Travolta, his girlfriend, and pretty all the other 30+ year old actors that look just TOO old to pass for a high school senior. Also, the annoying 70s music and ridiculous "chipmunk" fast forward "effect" (used in one scene only, Thank God) is just plain stupid. Other than that, this movie is a good date grabbing film.

Me, Myself & Irene (2000)

Me, Myself, and I HATE This Movie!

[5 October 2003]

Not being a big fan of Jim Carrey's attention-starved humor, I found this film to be by far one of his worst. The story to the film is as stupid as they come. Carrey is a single father with a split personality. Carrey's triplet sons in the film are absolutely hilarious. In fact, if it weren't for them, I would not have laughed at all during this movie. I would not recommend this movie to anyone over 13, but

then again, most 13 year olds will lack the knowledge necessary to understand why certain things are funny or just plain stupid.

The Mask (1994)

Not Too Bad

[5 October 2003]

This movie is based on the ultra-violent comic book of the same name. In the

movie, Jim Carrey plays a nerdy guy who discovers a mask with magical

powers. The movie is basically a live-action cartoon, and gets corny at times, but it's really not all that bad if you want to watch a neat little comedy-action film.

Bird (1988)

Good But Way Too Long

[2 October 2003]

Don't expect that there will be something in this film that will keep you on the edge of your seat just because Clint Eastwood produced and directed it.

Instead, Eastwood cleverly brought the dismal life of jazz musician Charlie

"Bird" Parker to the screen by creating a great mix of historical fact, with

intelligent acting. This movie is not the best film you'll ever see, but it's not the worst. I would only recommend this movie to people who can sit for 3 hours and be OK with that. Also, this is a good movie for people curious to know about the stereotypical jazz musician's way of life.

Training Day (2001)

Good Film

[19 September 2003]

Training Day stars Denzel Washington as a football coach ready to

train Ethan Hawke, the new kid in town. Hawke tries to become

the new star quarterback because his father wants him too, but

Hawke has an undeniable love for dancing and cannot decide

which hobby to choose. I enjoyed the choreography in the film.

There are definitely some low points in the film, and high points,

but in general this movie was just too stretched out and pointless

for me to care. But, do watch this movie for the dancing. You'll

LOVE it!!!