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jessica_elgersma
Reviews
Avalon High (2010)
WTF was this?
The only reason this movie deserves 3 stars is because it is one of the funniest movies I have seen in a long time. It wasn't until about halfway through that i figured out it was not, in fact, a parody of Disney channel movies. However, I still expected a scene at the end where the purple haze clears to reveal the aging stoners that must have written the script of this mess.
Ah, the script. The lines were positively idiotic. Particularly the lines given to Allie's parents and Marco. This movie was not only uncreative, but the ending made no sense at all. So Allie is King Arthur. Huh? So then what's up with Jen and Lance. And what does that make Will? And it would have made a lot more sense for Marco to just be bad. Why couldn't they just have done that?
The acting was awful. But then I doubt that even good actors would have been able to make a script like that work. The characters were trite and one-dimensional, especially because the 'surprise' plot twists only made sense to the addicts who wrote them. The costumes were freakishly cheap and fake-looking, and Will wore more makeup than Allie. Merlin's robes at the end were hilarious. They looked like something a broke World Of Warcraft addict made out of curtains.
In summary: You should watch this on Netflix with a ton of food if you're stoned out of your head because that is the only way you're gonna enjoy this piece of crap.
Interview with the Vampire: The Vampire Chronicles (1994)
As good a book-to-movie adaptation as I've ever seen.
As a fan of Anne Rice's novel I was worried that the movie was going to suck, especially when I heard that Tom Cruise had been cast as Lestat and Brad Pitt as Louis. However, I was quite happily proved wrong. Tom Cruise had a brilliant portrayal of Lestat as a dark, reckless and even at times comedic character. Brad Pitt and Antonio Banderas did well too, but I have special praise for Kirsten Dunst as Claudia. She was at once charmingly innocent, beautiful and spine-chillingly creepy. The two-hour run time was enough to tell the story in without it being rushed, and the costumes were quite good. My only complaint is that I didn't really like the makeup, it looked quite fake and like they had powder on their faces rather than being genuinely pale. However, all in all, Interview with the Vampire is well worth your time.
Romeo + Juliet (1996)
One enormous acid trip
Honestly, I loved it. It was one of the weirdest movies I've ever seen, but somehow it worked. Leonardo DiCaprio is eye candy but pulls off Romeo to some extent (when he's not butchering the lines) since he's pretty much just a shallow lovestruck teenage idiot anyhow. It looked like Claire Danes was wearing less makeup than DiCaprio, which shows because she's ugly. Fortunately, Romeo was supposed to be high when he fell in love with her, so that makes it slightly more credible.
As far as the whole Shakespearean dialogue goes it is slightly out of place and would be very strange in most movies. But this isn't most movies and because, as aforementioned, the whole thing has the feeling of an acid trip, you just accept it along with the mother on speed and the gangstas wearing Hawaiian shirts and the black guy in drag.
The movie is quite hilarious, although unfortunately most of the humor is unintentional. The acting is hit-and-miss, (with a lot of miss) but all in all Romeo + Juliet is entertaining enough.
Bridesmaids (2011)
Miserable, depressing movie
I can't believe that this is what passes for comedy nowadays. This is a depressing story of a girl who hits rock bottom and keeps falling. And falling. And falling. And just when you think it can't get any more miserable or depressing it does. It just drags and drags in a joyless manner the majority of the time. There are maybe two laughs the whole time and the rest of the movie you're cringing at the ridiculous things the main character does and the stupid way she ruins all the good things in her life. The only thing that's actually funny is the fat girl. Overall I think only sadistic people could enjoy this movie. Just don't see it if you don't want to see people getting diarrhea in their bridesmaid's dress.
Transformers (2007)
Awful.... just awful
This movie was forgettable and incoherent. Half of the time I just had no idea what was going on. The other half of the time I was pondering how anyone could ever buy that a girl like Megan Fox would be caught dead dating Shia LeBouf. I mean were we really supposed to believe that a bombshell who also happens to be able to fix cars like a pro and is pretty much perfect would EVER be in a relationship with a character like Sam? Nerdy, geeky, short Sam? No. Just no. This movie was stupid, not least of all because it didn't have much of a plot. If you'd like to see some lovely explosions and fantastic use of CGI this might be worth your $10. Otherwise stay home. Go read a book or wash your car or something. Anything other than this travesty of a film.
Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga'Hoole (2010)
Ultimately disappointing plot
I give this movie five stars out of ten purely for the beautiful, amazing imagery. However, the storyline seemed to dark for children, and too flat and clichéd for anyone over ten to enjoy.The plot divides neatly into good owls vs. evil owls. The evil owls are given no motive other than racism for anything that they do. The betrayals and "plot turns" are extremely predictable and typical clichés of almost every children's adventure story. I was expecting better, and was frankly disappointed.And since my review isn't long enough I'll add that the evil brother was kinda kinky. He had this thing for the evil queen person and it was like "DUDE! that's kinky!"... that was a complete waste of two lines.