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JerseyJo
Reviews
10.5 (2004)
Stinkeroony!
This melodrama is full of inaccuracies and bad acting. Special effects abound in this two part mini series that has California falling off the face of the earth unless six nuclear bombs detonated just 300 some feet beneath various locations in California can loosen the plate to avert said catastrophe. In the meantime, millions of Californians are trying to evacuate the Golden State in a frenetic effort to avoid be swallowed into the Pacific Ocean and riding a giant tsunami to oblivion. Doesn't California have enough problems as it is? Beau Bridges is the US President trying to make sense of it all. If you tuned in to watch this laugher, just remember it wasn't my "fault".
Squirm (1976)
Annoying Characters
This movie is about killer worms and is chock full of unappealing characters. There is our pansy ass hero Mick, the over the top southern accented Geri, her odd looking amazon sister Alma, their border line psycho mom, the dumb cracker Roger and his father, and the oily,pink threatening southern sheriff. And, of course, the killer worms. Ooooh, scary!! Let's face it folks, if you can't outsmart or outrun a puny worm you're pretty pathetic! An asinine premise. A crappy film. It was filmed in Georgia. Our hero, Don Scardino, used to do Snicker commercials in the 70's. The only saving grace for this flick is that MST was able to hook it and cast it out into the sea of satire. Otherwise wiggle away from this one.
Rocketship X-M (1950)
Sleep Inducing
Five "astronauts" are launched into space heading for the moon. Meteor shower throws them off course. They land on Mars and encounter mutated survivors of atomic war. Everyone dies. Generally cited as the first post war sci-fi movie, Rocketship X-M is dull, talky, and stereotypic of many films of the genre to follow. Probably the only saving grace of this movie is the early on film appearances of a young Lloyd Bridges (Sea Hunt) and Hugh O'Brien (Wyatt Earp). Also of note is the insertion of a woman (Osa Massen) as Dr. Lisa Van Horn, one of the noted scientists on the mission. Despite her position as a leading chemist in cryogenic propellents , sexist comments still abound. All in all,one time viewing for this uninspired flick.
The Giant Claw (1957)
It's As Big As a Battleship!...
is the constant reminder throughout this, yet, another one of THE worst sci-fi offerings of the 1950's. Goofy, giant marionette bird from outer space wreaks havoc on humanity. Can electrical engineer Jeff Morrow and mathematician girlfriend Mara Corday (with some help from the US armed forces) stop the feathered menace before it destroys the United Nations and hatches an egg in Canada? Cheesy special effects make this a classic of it's kind! Lovers of camp and 50's and 60's horror and sci-fi movies will love this notorious film. So take out your giant bird watcher binoculars and enjoy!
Demonwarp (1988)
Goooofy!
The creators of this film really broke the goofy meter with this one. The movie begins routinely for the horror genre - five twenty somethings alone in a cabin in the woods (Demon Woods no less) with a murderous bigfoot type monster on the loose. Typically, the twenty somethings are slowly killed off and from this point on the flick gets incredibly asinine. Turns out that bigfoot and people in zombie masks are being controlled by a master alien in a Bronson Canyon cave. The zombies bring victims to the slaughter for the alien so it can partake of various body parts (one scene in particular shows one of the topless females on a slab getting her heart torn out and fed to the master alien). And how the hell did George Kennedy get involved with this mess? It always amazes AND saddens me to see fading veteran actors take embarrassing roles like this. Prepare to be astounded and puzzled if you watch this debacle.
Fire Maidens from Outer Space (1956)
Simply Awful!!
An incredibly boring, horrible movie. Shabby all the way. One of the worst entries into the sci-fi genre of the 1950's. A group of "astronauts" travel to the 13th moon of Jupiter smoking cigarettes on the way. They reach the 13th moon in a few hours. Surprise! The moon is amazingly like earth. Anyway, they do a lot of talking, sitting and walking around, and encounter Atlantis. It seems the lost continent never really was lost, but moved to the 13th moon of Jupiter. Atlantis is inhabited by an senior citizen and a bevy of his gorgeous daughters (who speak English, of course). The "fire maidens" dance a lot and are pursued by a guy in black tights with a mask. The "astronauts" smoke and walk some more and eventually kill the creature for the women. They wind up taking the best babe back to earth. I would have been one badly disappointed kid had I seen this at a movie matinee in 1956. Even MST3K had a tough time with this film. Stay away!
Even MST3K had a tough time with this one.
Lost in Translation (2003)
Bland Movie
Mildly entertaining story of midlife crisis actor (Bill Murray) sent to Japan to shoot a whiskey advertisement where he develops relationship with young woman. This movie had a lot more potential given the bromidic theme. Humor is sporadic and not that funny. Much of the story drags to the point of boredom and there is little character development. OK performance by Murray, but not a stand out probably due to writing and direction. Just because there was a Coppola involved does not make it Oscar worthy in my book.
El barón del terror (1962)
Did This Really Scare Me?
The Brainiac was one of the many monster and horror films to appear on Chiller Theater in New York in the early 60's. I also remember the photo of the "Brainiac" with that elongated tongue on Famous Monster trading cards of the same era. Poor special effects and cheesy dubbed dialog, but what the heck, this is one of those flicks you stayed up to watch for scares as a little kid and laughs as you got older. The Mexican horror/monster movie of this era is truly a lost film genre. Fun stuff!
Space Cowboys (2000)
Not Bad...
But not good. A lot of talent wasted on this film. Flimsy, improbable story of senior citizens shot into space to recover aging satellite. How ironic. Special effects are pretty good if you go in for that sort of thing. Eastwood should have seriously considered retiring after this one.
Mistress of the Apes (1979)
Stinkeroo!
I bought this film based on various descriptions I had read of it and the fact that it is a Larry Buchanan piece. I was really let down. Larry must have purchased some old film at a yard sale, the color is all washed out and some of the scenes almost look black and white. The first 30 or 40 minutes are quite boring and even the action scenes are lackluster. The "near men" look like a troop of Jose Canseco look alikes.I felt embarrassed for Jenny Neumann's acting inability. And the Mistress of the Apes song is incredibly dumb. The film is not even "it's so bad it's good" quality. Sadly, one time viewing only.
Men in Black II (2002)
Garbage!
More drivel from the people that brought you Men In Black. Lousy acting, script, story line. Lousy everything. I don't know how anyone involved with this dung accepted a paycheck. A pure and simple attempt to cash in on the first Men In Black. Besides Kazaam, one of the worst movies I've ever seen!