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Reviews
The Hill and the Hole (2019)
A Desert Phantasmagoria
The Hill and the Hole is a bizarre and wondrous piece of cinematic confectionery. The first time I saw it, I was mystified and delighted. Every rewatch has made me like it even more. If you're familiar with the weird little Fritz Leiber story it's based on, you'll enjoy its extrapolation, and if you aren't, you'll want to go read it for yourself once you've watched Bill Darmon's film.
The film is packed with suspense, phantasmagorical moments, sharp and gorgeous cinematography, wry humor, and mystery. It will surprise you. Set alongside the arid beauty of the desert landscape, it really feels like the crew simultaneously captured this and created its own version of a unique place that just might exist. Although whether the Hill's existence is a good thing or a bad thing for humanity remains to be seen!
The Annihilators (1985)
Roy Boy is coming to get you!!!
Pretty awful but watchable and entertaining. It's the same old story (if you've lived through the 80s). Vietnam vets fight together as buddies against injustice back in the States. A-Team meets Death Wish, my favorite!
Time goes on, the soldiers go home, and years later a friend is in trouble. No, wait -- in fact, the friend is dead and it is his dad that's in trouble. Our first hero, Joey, is killed by an exceedingly horrifying (super pointy) meat tenderizer as he tries to defend his father's small store from the local "protection" gang despite being wheelchair bound from the war. Desperate for help, the father talks to Sarge, the leader of Joey's old unit from Vietnam, when Sarge shows up for the funeral.
Well, the squeaky wheel gets the grease, and the old gang saddles up for the city. You can pretty much imagine most of the rest of the movie.
The one thing that drove me crazy is that Sarge keeps haranguing his men about planning, and about how they're really good at what they do when they plan ahead. But Joey wouldn't have been put in a wheelchair by a gunshot in Vietnam in the first place if the unit hadn't been messing around! Then when things are going really well in the city as they battle the gangs, they do it again. For no reason at all, they completely bypass their plan and try to nail the gang without everyone being present. Phh!!!! I raise my hands in disgust. Foolishness!
There is also a suspicious moment when all present members of the unit make sure to try out the heroin they snatch from the gang to make sure it's real. EVERY single one of them. Hmm....
What are you going to do? Keep watching, I guess. The movie isn't too horrible to watch, but it IS a tease. There are all these climactic moments when nothing actually winds up happening. The most dramatic things that happen are those at the beginning of the movie -- the explosives in Vietnam, Joey's death battle, and the gang brutally kicking an innocent teddy bear aside (poor Teddy!).
I guess my main beef with this movie is that I feel let down by it. Even the confusing subplots with "mystery helpers" and their bizarrely cross-purpose motives wasn't enough to save it at the end. But someday maybe it'll all come right and they'll make a sequel. Ha ha ha ha!!!
The Creature Wasn't Nice (1981)
Science is my pie.
Well... I know some folks herald this as intelligent satire, but... I had a hard time with it. The only redeeming moment was when Dr. Stark, asked if he wants any pie, says "Science is my pie." That pretty much saved the movie for about thirty seconds.
The problem was that there were lots and lots of "jokes" that were very flat. Not flat as in deadpan. Flat as in... what was so funny about it? Perhaps if I watched it over and over again it might make me laugh more, but as I had a difficult time getting through it even ONCE, I doubt I'll ever know.
I am a big fan of horrible movies, such as "Traxx" starring Shadoe Stevens where a Soldier of Fortune mercenary turns his attention to being a successful cookie maker, and of spoofs like "The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra." But I could not find the spark that makes a bad movie great in Spaceship (a.k.a. The Creature Wasn't Nice).
Perhaps there was a lack of tension to make the characters pop? So they would seem less like they were just reading lines? Perhaps they all needed more pie, or more science. Or more Science Pie.
The world may never know.
Support your local piemaker.
Snowbeast (1977)
Not enough Yeti!!!
Too mediocre to rate a 1... this movie had such promise but failed to deliver the furry package of Yeti fun that we all hoped for (like so many other Yeti movies).
Focusing primarily on characters skiing from place to place or snowmobiling from place to place, this becomes one of those "follow the characters as they move around" movies instead of the tightly strung suspense film it might have been. The scenes of dull conversations where vague motives and character points feebly attempt to establish themselves are interspersed with "I am a Yeti looking through branches at prospective victims" shots and the occasional vicious Yeti attack. However, the ratio is disappointingly low on the Yeti side of the equation.
Perhaps a good movie to watch in the middle of the summer when you are wishing you had air conditioning.
The Yeti himself, finally showing more than a claw towards the end of the movie, is pretty terrifying, sending a gymnasium full of teenage girls screaming. RARRRRRR!!!! So brace yourself, okay?
Personally, if I redid this movie myself, I would try something new and interesting. Perhaps some footage cutting back and forth between the skiing/snowmobiling and conversations to portions of footage showing us what the Yeti is up to.
What does he do in his spare time? Housekeeping? Or is he a highly tactical attacker who plots out where his victims will be at certain times? Does he engage in lengthy surveillance, or just wander out randomly when he's finished napping to see what he can find for a lunch nibble? Does he eat a bite or two of his victims, or just leave them to scare the other vapid humans, because he's actually trying to protect what he perceives as his personal territory?
These and other questions mock me from my brain as I watch yet another movie lacking in Yeti insights.
Bog (1979)
It's NOT HUMAN! (but what IS it??!)
Bog is a RIOT! I watched it twice in one week after I figured out what a PERFECT bad movie it is. This movie has everything a bad movie should. In parts it is reminiscent of both Pod People and Giant Spider Invasion. It has crazy hermits that talk like cartoon characters, bumbling outdoorsy city husbands who lose their wives to the mysterious creature and take off after it with whatever firearms they can muster up, a creepy old livin'-in-the-woods-tellin'-fortunes lady, a sheriff who says such wonderful things as "hypodeemic nerdle" instead of hypodermic needle, and... well you get the picture. Perfect MST3K fodder!!!
White Phantom (1987)
You are a bird living in a tree of cats.
This & other gems of ninja wisdom are sprinkled over you in "White Phantom." It starts out with a ninja striptease. Then you meet "Ears", the gangster who is never seen without his headphones on (and that stylishly-knotted Hawaiian shirt!) Of course he gets trounced by the harmonica-playing flying/dancing White Ninja (who uses the startlingly effective Rocky Balboa punching puppet to K.O. him). The White Ninja is a strange creature...I mean, gee, what's that big white thing over there in the bushes? All he needs is a set of bunny ears! Add ninja rafts & mysterious multi-color modular future homes, & you've got one of the best bad ninja films ever (take that Godfrey Ho)!
Hands of Death (1988)
Silly Pink Ninjas!
Like many of Godfrey Ho's other ninja films (like my favorite, Bionic Ninja), Hands of Death does not disappoint the connoisseur of Bad 1980s Ninja Films. The so-called Purple Ninjas are actually wearing costumes (with outrageous pointy triangular shoulders) that are quite pink. We have come up with a theory that they washed their white costumes with their red "Ninja" headbands and this was the result. Lots of Caucasian characters, confusing plot lines, and garbled motives centered around a valuable gold mine make this very similar to other Ho films, but the main Pink Ninja villain is marvelously over-the-top, with a glazed stare in his over-wide blue eyes and a bad blonde haircut and moustache. Well worth the watch for anyone interested in "ninja" wackiness who can stand the pain and anguish! Ow! Complete with smoke bombs and booby traps.
Nyarlathotep (2001)
Atmospheric and haunting
A treat for Lovecraft fans everywhere. Evocative of that strange world in-between the by-gone reality and the ever-present horror that HPL characters live in, this film features an earnest voice-over by director and main character Matzke that paces the piece. Nicely short, just enough for a taste of the lurking evil. At times quite tongue-in-cheek, Matzke cannot be said to take himself too seriously, a welcome relief from many of the HPL-related short films made in the last ten years or so. Keep your eyes peeled for a surreal moment or two, reminiscent of the scenes of a hedgehog family walking across screen in the midst of the classic Universal Studios version of Dracula. Recommended!