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aaronmocksing1987
Reviews
Prototype (1992)
Read Roth's IMDb Biography.
Buwahahahaha...
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before I begin to review this sh*thole of a movie, I'd like to present with you this fun and amusing little tidbit I found on this website.
Phillip J. Roth - the maker of this movie, has a portion of himself on IMDb. I'm almost one hundred and damn percent sure that, after seeing this load of BS on my television screen, either he paid someone to write up his biography, or he did it himself. It begins by explaining, briefly, his humble beginnings and mentions two movies of which I just rented ('borrowed', if you will, since the place I was getting them from sold them for a quarter). "Both of which have amazingly intricate and well-woven time-travel story lines." If by 'well-woven', you mean, have a crippled man jerking off to a VR pornography device (he browses and smiles wide at the thought of necrophelia for a good moment, before wanting to hit up some ugly blond) and characters wandering around aimlessly around Los Angeles 'wanting' to fight a non-existent war against... nothing in particular, then, alright. You go ahead and believe that. Somehow I can't quite imagine a 'future', in which all robots wear codpieces, suspenders, and Darth Vader helmets.
It goes on to say he "amazingly" writes, produces, and directs this. Uwe Boll, I believe, does the same thing to his movies. And I guess we can all figure out about his own reputation. If this biography is to believed, maybe they should get into the boxing match! Haha HAAA! "Perhaps this injustice," it explains, about why his movies only go to TV and home video, "is because of apathy of behalf of the 'average film fan' who would rather watch some brainless action than 'truly thought-provoking' cinema.'" Obviously this dumbsh*t didn't watch the better robot movies 'Terminator', 'RoboCop', and 'Bicentennial Man'. I mentioned the last one, because it says he's still working. Roth? If you're listening, stop lying to yourself, and quit Hollywood. Quit making movies. Quit everything, and shoot yourself. 'Prototype X29A' is a fitting title, since the whole thing practically borrows everything from every other movie, and adds strippers for recognition.
Notice how his bio was written by 'Anonymous.' Yeah, he totally wrote that. Sorry, chum.
Starship (1984)
Let's make sure we don't have this future.
This is the third movie I have rented tonight with the word 'Star' in it. However, it isn't 'Star Wars', 'Star Trek', 'The Last STARfighter', or even 'Star Kid.' This movie was made 'down under' and we can expect no less from foreign movies. Like 'Star Crash' before it and 'Star Knight', we have a movie that wants to be so many things we Americans made but simply could not do. And, like everything else, it comes out so dirty it should be condemned in the laundry pile to be burned completely. I'm sorry, folks, this sucked hard.
The back of the box mentioned and stole a few words from the Star Wars common terminology and compared itself to the likes of Blade Runner, which wouldn't make a whole lot of sense. The 'droids' here are simply people with jumpsuits, aluminum guns and creepy Chinese/Buddhist masks - and more often than not, these are midgets. With someone whose name is 'Deep Roy', which is really downright hilarious (especially the name typo - Kid? Grid? Fail.), this is pretty bad. The 'storm troopers' are all poorly designs animatronics which look like something a child did for a science project out of whatever was in a junkyard.
The music goes on to copy, blatantly, the same motifs as Last Starfighter - and blatantly rips most of Luke's battles in Tattooine from the first movie. The villain even looks like Darth Vader! Gah, originality must be pretty hard to find, is it? Jesus Christ on a stick.
None of the movies I have seen so far are recommended. It's a proved fact you'll ignore most of them for private time on the computer or with a loved one rather than pay attention.
Starcrash (1978)
Hasslin' the Hoff ('cause I want to.)
I am watching this movie now, and the moment I saw Roger Corman's name on it, I knew I was literally gonna be screwed over. But now finding out it was made in Italy (why do actors go to Italy to make movies? Desperation? They hate America? Missed out on being in better movies, so they settle for crap?), I am expecting far worse than the bottom of the barrel. I don't like foreign movies too much, unless it was well-known, famous, and taken care of with proper knowledge and care. Lately, each movie I seem to be picking out happens to be an awfully terrible one. I guess that makes me the Angry Video Nerd: trapped in a VHS store with godawful movies, most of which deserve to be burned and handed over to Satan.
I can almost imagine how this movie got into production. Borrow the scripts from Star Wars, haphazardly combine some Star Trek stuff into it, mimic a few scenes from either and whatever cheap space novel came out in the area. Rename people, change Leia into a sex whore, give Luke a ridiculous afro and a gay appearance (not to mention a homosexual attitude) and the accent of a Dr. Who reject... and voila. Oh, and put a Spock in it! Instant gold! Texan accents don't make good space movies. Neither do whores. Making Spock a fat balding man and Luke gay doesn't help either. This movie sucks.
Sorry, Hoff. Better luck next time.
Next on the list? 'Starship.' Another damn movie with 'Star' in it. SO ORIGINAL.
Alien Predator (1986)
$79.99 in Canada? lolwut on box.
I'm rather surprised this movie has received poor reviews. Out of every movie I've posted something about on, this is a movie I want to cherish very much so - and would like to see it again, in better (MUCH better, please) quality - on VHS or DVD. I managed to pick this up again at Ye Olden Days Dos Palos California rental store, and god knows who on Earth owned this previously or what compelled it to get in the hands of mine. Rest assured, it was well worth the quarter I bought it for. For whatever reason, the enormous box it came in said that this movie is worth it's eighty dollars in Canadian money... but to me, it's gotta be at least five dollars in this day and age.
I loved the title. It may say 'Alien Predators', and while the title may be a jab at it's competitors at the same time, it actually does contain a little bit of each. Maybe even 'The Thing', if you think hard on it. Three pals on a trip to Spain come to the land to enjoy some partying out and kicking back for some good times (stay tuned for a very spot-on Rod Serling impersonation by the suave main lead), only to realize there's been a hostile takeover... from aliens! For reasons I am not able to record because of the shoddy television set I was using to play it, they are contractible little buggers feeding off of the humans in the town. As such, the whole place is infected.
There is only one survivor, someone from NASA, played by a very slow-talking Russian who requires the aid of the Scooby Gang to not only find the cure - but spare themselves before it spreads. The army's already moved in fast and has blocked off the only exit. For no readily apparent reason, there is a dumpster truck of Doom that seems to follow them around... with all the excitement of the Flammable Monstertruck from 'Duel' chasing them around. It culminates in an epic roller-coaster chase with one of the dudes fighting him off in a dune buggy all over the town streets. Quite like 'The Italian Job', though considering the action I was seeing all over the place, it might as well be something like 'Vigilante 8' or 'Twisted Metal'.
Unfortunately, after the Russian guy is infected (for reasons I dunno, but considering that he talked at a snail's pace next to Dennis's wisecracking awesomeness, this was for the best), so they must travel on. Unfortunately, despite the army and our heroes's best efforts... it's not only affected the next town over, but Dennis Christopher as well. The ending is deliciously morbid, and I, for one, loved every minute of it.
Please release this again but in a way where I can actually see something not entirely enshrouded in darkness (this goes for you too, Mutant - Jesus, the whole thing is shot in pitch BLUE and BLACK), so I can enjoy this movie once again.
Those who said they didn't like this movie were obviously the ones who grew up watching kiddie movies while all the awesome people loved the horror ones.
Diary of a Tired Black Man (2008)
Review of a Funny White Man
I saw this movie, but I left it on at night and then the DVD player was busted. So, in essence, I really didn't pay much attention or know what it was about. When I saw the main character's face on the cover, I assumed the man was still angry about his people or something. I mean, when you look at it, what's he so unhappy about? Is he looking at me? You? I'm not sure what is going on. The title says he is pretty tired, but he appears to be rather disappointed.
Then again, the woman seems to be rather disappointed with him. I sure hope he was able to provide a nice trip down under or something. That's in this movie right? I guess that's what I get for getting a movie to just mess around with for two hours. Seriously though, the title and the cover is funnier than the movie. It needs to be Photoshopped and put into various things like... An American Tail or something, I dunno.
Resident Evil: Extinction (2007)
I killed something! ... An hour of my time.
Someone will probably be expecting this review... to be another nerd-filled rant about how this movie series has deviated strongly from the source material to make it easier and 'fun' for people who have no idea what a Playing Station or Nintendumb is. In a way, you're right. I only enjoyed the first movie of the series, and the second was decent, but the addition of a super model with bare bones for boobies who has one of the craziest last names I can't pronounce was something I thought was lame. Taking her out of the mix, I can say without a doubt that I found these movies to be of the C-grade material: they're not as moving as Dawn of the Dead, and they're not as sugar-high as 28 Days Later and it's sequel. This is a generic 'scientist corporation makes an Oopsy' zombie movie that we've seen in the bargain bin many, many times before.
However, today I'll be reviewing the third movie. Am I the only one who found this movie to be a little... short? I like the concept of a major city to be completely rundown thanks to a zombie horde, and I especially dig the fact that the entire world has been dried up and drained of all it's vital resources. However, I find it a bit disappointing that Las Vegas was completely drenched in sand. I don't know exactly how this was possible, and I wish time could have been taken to explain this in fuller detail, or perhaps at least - use Vegas as it was. I know it's been done before, but... it's Vegas, man! Second to New York, the city that never sleeps! I would have loved to have seen showgirls, strippers, Elvises, and celebrities all going out for some zombie action. This is made up for in ZombieTown.
My second biggest gripe has to be... the final 'boss'. Alice goes in to fight a Tyrant monster reminiscent of the one from the second game, but the fight doesn't last too long. After battling her out in maybe two rooms, they enter an exact rehash of the mansion from the first movie. Following this, the same laser-laden room which chopped most of the security team into itty bitty bits. Needless to say, this same attack defeats the Tyrant (Doctor British Stereotype) and we have a happy ending.
Somehow I kinda expected a more thorough hunt-or-be-hunted, cat and mouse, sort of thing here. I imagined boss battles to be a bit more tougher than this.
Overall, while I can't say the movie is godawful... this felt, as have the others, more like someone's off-shoot fan-fiction continuation. And those who support this movie, well... fit in the same group as the dimwits who like this sort of thing.
Anderson, Mika whatever the hell your name is - I AM DISAPPOINT.
The Undertaker and His Pals (1966)
watch it for the women
This movie is one to see when you're bored, and your pornography stash is just about dry and gone. Not that there is any of this here at all, except for the scenes where the women are stripped down to their skivvies. Everything else is pretty much a brave and bold attempt to bring the horror gene into Beach Blanket Bingo; you'd sware Roger Corman had a hand in this. Surprisingly, this is not true at all. On the other hand, this matches Rog's style and film machismo so well it's too hard to tell.
If you're like me, I didn't even watch this. I just let it play until something else on the EastWest DVD came on. Of anything else here, I only glanced over to see the women show off their bosoms; I never knew, as a kid from the 80's and 90's, how hot women looked back then! These boobies literally jiggle in every frame! Some are pointed! Oh man, so hot.
Small Town Folk (2007)
3.1 out of 10 must be a sympathy rating.
They said this movie would be the absurdity that is Terry Gilliam if he took acid and wrote a horror movie. I'm saddened to say that this movie doesn't quite feel like that, and that's probably a punch in the gut to me considering the review came from Canada. This is the kind of movie that is more like... if Benny Hill took cocaine, filmed a pornography, and let Quentin Tarantino swap parts of the filming arrangements with Uwe Boll. From here, it would be vomited on and possibly shat on with several homeless people in the editing room, where they spliced themselves into it.
To be honest, I don't know what the hell is going on with this movie. It's supposed to be a British version of 'The Crazies' with some 'Hills Have Eyes' and some Rob Zombie sprinkled on, but in the end, I see nothing funny or scary.
If these people want to make a horror movie, I suggest you go back to school and learn something. Because this is pretty stupid.
Brain Twisters (1991)
The title is misleading.
I remember visiting my local rental shack and finding this on VHS for cheap. And by cheap, I mean, it was only 50 cents. We have a place here which still specializes in allowing you to rent VHS copies of movies old, new, and DVDs of yesteryear (although the DVD section in Dos Palos is ridiculously tiny - it's a wonder we have any at all... it looks like a donation bin). I didn't want to buy the movie so I opted out of it, and just decided to blow the two Washington's I had to see if this movie was as advertised.
"A movie about killer riddles? A strange looking mentally challenged man sticking his mouth open in the front cover? Golly gee, this looks like it's gonna be a woolybooger!" And before you ask me what a 'woolybooger' is, it's not something that comes out of your nose. It's from the Lone Gunman show of yesteryear; some fat lard tubby says that in a way that sounds so hilarious, it's random, and amusing. I'll be making that into all of my reviews from here on. But now, back to the show.
This movie is more along the lines of, 'What if Disney did a horror movie?' Sadly, you won't be finding any animated foxes slashing mice to death or cats sinking their teeth into elephants while singing a song about it. It's not even animated, and that's a shame, because I would actually like to see an animated horror movie - just because cartoons are mostly for kids, doesn't mean they're limited to one genre. I would know, because I made one.
Not that anyone supported me.
This movie is boring. The computer is not the enemy, just the mini-boss. A mad scientist tries to turn video games into mind-bending machines on it's users and drive the--- ...wait a minute. Don't video games already do that? Doom told me that it's perfectly okay to fight demons with my bare knuckles, and Super Mario told me that slamming my head into blocks will deliver golden doubloons that I can collect each time. If this was going to be a real brain twister in that sense, the real question is, 'Why did a bunch of idiots decide to make a horror film so ridiculously unhorror-like?' It's slow, it's plodding, and by the time you're finished taking a dump - the movie's done.
Also, Eastwest DVD needs to fix my copy. The movie's so bad it skips halfway and ends the movie before anything really picks up.
Then again... maybe that was the evil computer's bidding.
Golden Apples of the Sun (1973)
Dumb Hippies Gone Wild!
Would you like my honest opinion? I bought this for the sex scene.
This movie brings up an interesting question. Unlike a lot of other bad movies that seem to bring up suspension of disbelief, this one is very interesting: 'Why is there a cage in the middle of nowhere? Why did the hippies go into the cage? ...Why were they stupid enough to get locked into the cage?' Okay, so maybe there are a lot of questions.
I'm not sure what this movie is trying to be - it's either an artistic movie that was accidentally placed and billed as a horror movie, or a horror movie that was accidentally labeled as an art movie, or maybe it's just someone's home movie that somehow got distributed. Who knows.
Rest assured, when this movie was over - I pulled a John Belushi of 'Animal House' and smashed it against the wall like he did with that one dude's little guitar.
"Sorry."
Dragonball Evolution (2009)
Kame-Hame-Huh?... What?
As a young kid I grew up and always had a fond recollection of the DragonBall series. The first one ranks amongst the best of the trilogy; the second one was all about steroids and screaming matches for ten minutes until they had no room, and the third one tried to combine most... but by then it was over. But the first one, a retelling with some twists on the legendary Monkey King story eons ago, was amongst the most memorable.
You had a charming little tale of a young boy, lost in the road of life and blissfully unaware of what the city, the world, had to offer him. Joining a spunky intelligent lass on a quest to collect the seven DragonBalls. Seven grant a wish, but this path would not be easy: midget demons were after it, an entire army of soldiers with dark intentions were after it, not to mention desert thieves and bandits. To the common stranger, you might as well have called this somewhat of thinly veiled Superman story, or simply taking a classic legend into something funny, witty, and wise.
This piece of sh.t is an abomination. If the early photo designs of a dude in an Ambercrombie and Fitch t-shirt with a strangely chiseled jawline and rubbery Goku plastic hair did not phase you, then now you will ultimately learn your mistake in judgment, my friend.
From the very moment I booted this up, nothing seemed to bother me. Why is Goku not Asian? I shrugged it off, and was kind there. They screwed this up in two other adaptations, but I figured, 'Well, it's not like I watch this show anymore, so...' Then I questioned the absence of Roshi's beard and sunglasses, his crave of porn. This too was absent. Where was Yamcha's mane? Why is Bulma ugly? All of these were simple marks I passed off, thinking, 'Well, it's not like Hollywood gets anything right anymore... they see something beautiful and take a dump on it.' Then I saw one pivotal plot point, and then I was done.
I was done.
I could not see this movie any more.
For anyone who should have seen DragonBall in some form or another - and you should have, it's been on for a century now in constant movie re releases - then you should know Son Goku. Goku is a masculine Hulk Hogan character who, stupid as he is, knows how to rearrange people's faces physically while being a gentle soul.
So forgive me when I ask, why is he being picked on by black people at thirty minutes into the movie and acting like an emotional, suicidal teenager? Can someone point me into the idiot who added that into the script? Why is he going to school with that haircut? With that kind of confused, poor attempt at a James Dean face, I'd beat the hell out of him too.
At that point, I took my rental and snapped the disc in two. It does not deserve to live. Nor does it need a sequel, or games.
This is when we allow 2nd graders borrow the 'Superman' script by Richard Donner for reviews and editing.
The Weekend It Lives (1992)
what the f.ck is this supposed to be, man?
I have a message to this director. Quit your day job and never, ever, consider taking a career in movies. This is flat-out terrible. You suck, plain and simple, and are better off joining the ranks of all that is bad in this world. If Uwe Boll is at the bottom of the hell-pit for god awful atrocities, then you have just joined him or at least made him feel a little bit better about himself. Do not enter Hollywood and never think about it - because it stinks... badly.
He went so far as to thank God and give his blessings to his grandmother to a movie that doesn't make a whole lot of sense; no extra care was provided to even make the sound better than it is, or the editing, or even the acting. I think the reviews of this movie on Something Awful and I-Mockery are precisely what I want to say about this movie, hence I see no real reason to review this hunk of sh.t. If I could talk to both God and your grandmother right now, I'd tell them about your failures, and make sure they hunt you down in some quiet invisible manner and molest your brain, tormenting you with every last drop.
As a member of the NAACP, I would like to apologize to the white man for having to be given this benign piece of motion picture making. We plan on taking every copy and burning it. This was our bad.
On the other hand, we are not accountable for the Black Panthers and their hand in copying this movie.
The Devil's Hand (1961)
This movie sucks.
I wasted about ten dollars on a DVD box set which was supposed to have, and I -QUOTE- 'gorefest' movies. Now, defining this term specifically, that is supposed to include everything and the kitchen sink: blood, guts, sex, swearing, cars crashing, senseless murder, violence, sex, people and their sick and twisted fetishes, chainsaws, lust... more sex. And here, being one of the movies on this list, what I got instead happened to be none of that. No, fellow Americans, I got a total piece of crap.
This movie is pretty much about TALKING. Endless talking between a Dean Martin wannabe and his wonderful adventures in the Cocoa Cabana club four times in a row while he continues to talk to a bunch of other people about why he is there, what his purpose is in life, and why his name isn't Dean Martin. Whoever made this stupid movie really should have did something to make it stand out. Any second watching this horrible filth made me wonder, 'Well, is Elvis Presley going to show up and sing a song about Satan?' Maybe? Is that too much to ask? No, it's just a movie about talking.
My Boys Are Good Boys (1979)
Let's take off the gloves and be honest, here.
This movie stinks harder than all the dumplings left over by a thousand dogs, a thousand cats, a thousand bulls and maybe one or two elephants. I see nothing fantastic about this movie other than a bunch of ugly kids trying to pull off an Ocean's Eleven with a bunch of even uglier older men and women. Sean, or whatever the heck his name is, is by far the worst interpretation of a rebellious kid - you'll find better acting from the kid from 'Austin Powers' one, two, and three. This was obviously a film that was supposed to be the next greatest thing since Muhammed Ali took to the ring and kicked everyone's butt, but I'm gonna be perfectly frank, Frank... it's not. It doesn't even rank as high as me walking on top of a Dance Dance Revolution machine trying to impress all of the employees at Hooters, man. It's that bad. If you've got your copy, I suggest you take it and dump it in the ground and bury it for all it's worth. It'll eat your eyes and burn your tongue straight off, finding all of your next of kin and ripping them apart without your knowledge.
The music sounds more like a bunch of farts going off at once; 'musical farts', as I like to call it. Perhaps that is the only redeeming quality I have to give about this movie - and it shows that you too can be an amazing cult following by doing just that. Everyone should remember that the next time they get their couple of dollars and a video camera, and decide to make this movie. Will there be a sequel to this? Let's hope so, boy howdy! Maybe there, the musical farts return, with the opening theme song redux and maybe a Pachelbel's Canon solo. I bet that grossly obese kid will have a field day with it.
What's up with that fat tub of lard though, anyway? Did he even get a second's worth of screen time for his effort? I don't know what's scary, the weird-looking neegroe humping the doctor and the Charlie's Angels guy during the beginning or the two fat chest boobs wobbling each time the fat guy hustled from scene to scene. I bet he's dead now. He probably deserved it.
Like I said, this movie sucks. You'll have a field day with 'Bawop, Bawop, Bawoowowowowowooooop' tune when one of the hillbillies is drinking his brandy in the car while snooping on a potential sex victim, but that's as far as it goes. Other than that, this movie sucks. You're stupid if you rated it any higher.
The King of Fighters (2009)
Laughing at the movie, not with the movie.
I don't get on this website as often as I want to, because quite frankly I don't have the time to visit this place and post reviews of movies I think are lame and should be doomed to the shelf for all eternity in video hell. However, as a fan of fighting video games as a whole I simply came to this one because I had to; to not review this movie after trying to survive a three-part Orochi saga and flamboyant french man named after the dude from Evil Dead, would be a crime against humanity. So, after probably what seemed like a year or two since my last review, I figured it was time to suck in the gut and get the ball rolling on a little critique on this movie based on SNK's 'King of Fighters' series.
For those who think this is an original movie based on an original idea, reconsider that thought: it isn't. Your stereotypical band of misfits follow a kooky weirdo hooked on Japanese mythology decide to jack into a video game system to engage in a battle of epic wits, heart and soul, gaining EXP with extreme PVP to kick a very thin man's butt in a virtual reality world. If anything else I could have sworn this movie might have been the 'Lost Matrix Sequel' that time forgot, or maybe just an extended trailer for Matrix Online that had been recut, dismantled, reassembled and put together for the viewing audience. No, this was a movie that had my favorite game's title in it, had some folks loosely based on characters I've grown to admire in terms of actual gameplay, and some of the weirdest action I've ever seen.
First off let me ask you, how difficult is it to really make a movie out of this? The original game was simple an open invitation by a mysterious hostee and his mistresses, to find the best fighters in the world. The catch was that this wasn't going to be your atypical one-on-one, you now had two partners to join you. You had your choice of various known-names, ranging from street fighters to karate nuts to goofballs and some military men. Unlike Street Fighter or Mortal Kombat, they're not just doing one-dude-against-the-masses, no, it's teams of three. People with distinct personalities clashing with others and lifestyles.
That my friends should be more than enough to use for the basis of this movie. Had I done it, I would have taken four teams from the original list and modified them as such: a kooky team of so-called karate experts in a rugged part of L.A trying to make a living., mixed in with some homebrew fighters from the mean streets of Chicago, renowned and respected professional brawlers who travel the world, and then maybe add some retired Rambo/Ah-nulled/John McClane ruffians from the US Army going in to seize the event. Make Rugal simply a one-man army go out and kick all of their asses until the final moment, and that would have been it. Maybe toss in some villainous gangsters or something to make up for Geese Howard or Kain R. Heinlein in the mix.
However this is simple a combination of things we have all seen before, if not in a good long while. A suspicious looking thin-man who hardly looks like the game boss and two scantily clad fetishists fighting a CIA agent, some Japanese dork, another scantily-clad woman, as they look around for a sword.
C'mon people, where is the life to these characters? Terry Bogard was a homeless dude (a clean-shaven one and well-taken care of one, at that), not a CIA agent. If people want undercover agents, that's what shows like 24 or even the Legend of Chun-Li movie is all about (I question the casting for Charlie/Nash). They're all models of repeats.
The story is a borefest. I would have simply preferred something the lines of a straightforward fighting movie: no plot other than the conflicts and tough times fueled by different fighters who don't get along or don't like each other. Here, we're just looking at the same movie of years past with a different title and 'A PLOT TWIST!' If anything else, this is a movie that's more of a rental.
Strangely, I've been following this movie for some time now and I didn't even know it was released until right -now-... I wonder if they were intending to do that for sake of not getting something like my Secret of NIMH II review, under the guise of MR. KARATE. But alas.
The Stay Awake (1988)
It's like Nightmare on Elm Street
In fact, you might as well say it's the exact same film done in about one or two days and on maybe a couple dollars budget at best. I don't like any of the women in this film and most of them probably did it for a good laugh, rather than the art film it was probably intended to try and become. The villain is hardly menacing, even with that big booming voice of his, and even if there should be a crossover film for no apparent reason between him, Freddy, or Jason, he'd be eaten alive in the first couple of minutes. I'm gonna be completely honest with you, that's what needs to be done these days... crossover battles between all forms and kinds of Z-grade (on up) horror villains like this one, to see if any of them even can live to see the light of day.
Granted, I think the only interesting thing about this thing was the demonic costume. I could have sworn I was looking at a rejected Barney outfit that had been turned down, and modified just a tinge for purposes of this story. At any rate--- here's what I suggest you do to enjoy this film.
Get really, really drunk.
Then you'll love this movie.
Rock-A-Doodle (1991)
Dis is en exsewwent mewvee!
This movie is the most epic thing I have ever seen in my life. It's a thrilling story about love, passion, and the battle between good and evil before the parallel dimension apocalypse collapses on all known universes. Young Edmond, should he choose to accept it, is tasked with bringing the Hero of Song, Chanticleer, to defeat the evil Grand Duke by wrapping the world with a blanket of psychotic overtones. Joining him on this Zelda-inspired adventure story are Peepers the mouse and possible love-interest for the young and brave Edmond, Snipes - not to be confused with Wesley Snipes - a fun character with knowledge and a taste for destruction, Patou, an old war veteran keen on bringing the hurt John Cena-style towards that crazy owl. Why, he can take out opponents with just his SHOES! One shoe, even! Along the way, they are brought many halts along the way by a time-traveling pink Cadillac which nearly destroys an entire city as Edmond defies all forms of logic. This is the kind of movie that should be well-known for it's well animated action sequences, colorful sense of dementia in dream moments, and a Rambo-esquire finale that will blow everyone's brains out completely. The scene with Goldie Pheasant offering her love towards the characters and is denied her passion is a complete tearjerker, which nearly made me go down and weep. I wept. It tops Mrs. Brisby's near fatal encounter with Jeremy, I'm afraid, Secret of NIMH.
This is the best Don Bluth movie of all time. No questions asked.
The Secret of NIMH 2: Timmy to the Rescue (1998)
It's Sh*t
If you happen to think this movie is in any way good at all, you're dumb and need to have your head examined between what is a good movie and what is a bad movie. This is a terrible movie - the king thats at the bottom of Video Hell next to the likes of Uwe Boll and Z-grade pornography. It's nothing like the original. The original had heart, and feeling, including soul; this movie lacks all of it: it just a bunch of mice doing nothing in particular but sing about how big their butts are and why picking your nose could cause rifts in the space-time continuum. At the very least they should have tried a little more harder into making it in the same vein - maybe improve the animation a little more, because this is just total bullshit. I, as Justin, urge all rats in Thorn Valley to come with me as I personally chase after and fend of anyone who dares rent this movie because it's worth a look. It isn't. We will hunt you and we will kill you.
The Hottie & the Nottie (2008)
Summer: Hottie. This Film: Nottie.
You want to know something? Personally I believe that if I were to be able to remake this film some 40 years for now on an epic movie scale in the vein of Michael Bay or Steven Spielberg, for everyone to see, this is how I would do it. Without a doubt, Paris Hilton would be, and should have played, the role of Nottie if this movie was going to garner any sort of attention in the mass media. That's the kind of roles she should be getting since she thinks everyone should take her seriously as both actress and a Hilton. But obviously, Paris doesn't seem to actually want to get good roles and just continue to play the part of the silly dumb bimbo who somehow plays a major role in movies as lame as this. Did National Lampoon make this movie? It almost feels like it, or all those lame American Pie continuations. Paris instead yucks it up with a bunch of other actors who really did this for a quick couple of dollars to pay the rent, perhaps. I certainly didn't find this movie any funny, nor interesting, and it was my younger sister who rented it to see how messed up it really is.
After sitting through halfway, it got so much waves of quiet awkwardness and scorn from everyone that we ultimately returned it pretending it was scratched and unplayable on our DVD - replacing it with a movie, actually, no, instead we got a DVD containing a collection of 20 random infamous fight scenes from movies over the years: Jackie Chan, Bruce Lee, Brad Pitt, Rowdy Roddy Piper ("PUT ON THE GLASSES!"). It definitely soothed the soul and made us forget we ever watched a film like this ever. It's not as eyebleedingly bad as Uwe Boll, but it certainly ranks among next to it.
Unless you like cruelty to people who aren't as distinguished as you are, or stress the fact that "Girls, if you want to look good for your Boy, surgery is the best way to go," which is terrible to even consider even as a moral, then go ahead and see this movie.
But if you're smart, go see Star Wars or something again.
Casper's Haunted Christmas (2000)
Eh, it's for the kids.
I stopped watching Casper since the 1995 film, but that isn't to say I haven't watched Casper in any other media. I've seen some of his cartoons, based on the movie and ones like Spooking About Africa, A Haunting We Will Go, among others. I guess if you've got kids who won't know who Casper is until they've thought of it fondly as they grow older, then you might possibly enjoy it. I found it "O-K" but neither great nor too bad. Then again, I wasn't even paying attention half of the time...
...but yeah, so...
...anyways...
Casper's Scare School (2006)
Well, it's better than the others.
If the other Casper videos weren't such a burden to my eyes, I'd have given them better reviews. Nothing beats the originals as well as the 1995 film. Here, the Casper series is given new light and the humor is actually well-tailored to balance that of the first film and little bit of the others. Not bad, and it's good to see now and then, even if the continuity still is off base but... oh well, that's Hollywood. On another note though, the animation is quite unique and calls for a different kind of review. I think it's a little creepy, but then again what's not to like about from the animation crew who worked on the other Tim Burton films? Not bad at all.
Casper (1995)
Makes the later sequels look like Ed Wood films
I saw this when I was very young, about 8 or so, back in the movie theaters. I didn't know who Casper was until I got older (not sure, it might have been before that) and my mom bought a couple old VHS's containing cartoon classics. A few noticeable Casper ones were in it, even in better quality than they are in now on DVD dollar bin collections. Christina Ricci's performance was amazing, as is Pullman, the voice actors of Casper and the Ghostly Trio.
Shame the sequels couldn't learn from this movie over time, because it seems like they've been trying to ruin the spirit (no pun intended) of this film. Cash-ins, anyone? For any Ghostbuster fan, you might like seeing Dr. Ray Stantz popping out of nowhere either towards the beginning.
Casper: A Spirited Beginning (1997)
Watch the 1995 film.
To anyone who has said this movie was better than the original movie, I must say I don't agree with you both. The other film had finesse, taking a simple thing like a comic book and cartoon character from the days of animation yore and made it into something with heart, comedy, brilliance, rolled into a neat little package. Either this was made simply to cash in on the previous movie's success or Casper's name alone, because I found all of the continuity errors completely destroying the film more than anything else.
This is a prequel? No talent was put together into even writing a decent script, and the acting is... oh lord. Steven Guttenberg, sir, I believe you ought to go back and continue doing Police Academy again. I guess the 80's thing hasn't left you so please, go back with it.
And the sad part of this movie is, it's just one in the following sequels that would come that would make Casper ought to consider being as ticked off as the Ghostly trio themselves. Someone stop, or at least get some people to reinvigorate the heart that went into Kat and Dr. Harvey in the original movie.
In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (2007)
To all the movie stars in this film, please read.
How would you like to remake this film for extremely cheap, wearing casual clothing and filmed in a really tiny town where I live? I think it'd be spectacular. I'm penning my own version of this script and am considering working on a couple sequels tossed in. Let's call it, "In the Name of the King: Blast to the Future TRILOGY ARC SAGA"... because it's gonna be that awesome. I'm using a VW vanagon as the only prop we need as well as the exteriour shots of my neighborhood and stuff like that. I'll pay you all for coffee and donuts, cigarettes too if you want it.
...........oh yeah, and this movie you were in with Uwe Boll sucked major. I didn't even watch your film. Shame a bunch of big name guys like you even considered this lame excuse for a movie with absolutely no sense of talent.
Do us all a favor and sign the STOP UWE BOLL PETITION.
BloodRayne (2005)
Uwe Boll sucks.
"Fans are always totally flipping out and I understand that the fan of a video game has his own agenda in his head and has his ideas about what is a good movie and what is a bad movie." Referring to House of the Dead, Boll said: "I think I made a perfect House of the Dead movie, because it really shows how the game is. It's a lot of fun, it's over-the-top action."
This is a quote by Uwe Boll. While yes, he's talking about House of the Dead and not Bloodrayne (more on that later), it should be noted that I don't think he actually has played any of the video games he's directed. And who hasn't? Most video game-to-film movies are so far away from the actual plot that they often make no sense, B-to-Z movie film quality, and the question continues as to why this man hasn't been stopped. It's amazing to think that he's still making movies that hardly make back my own 35 cents.
Don't see this movie. Go play the game, the real deal, and be the judge of it yourself. I'm too lazy to write a review because there's nothing of it deemed worthy of reviewing.