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Reviews
Triangle (2009)
Massive Headwound Hemsworth
***mild, mild spoliers to follow***
There's a special kind of film every slasher fan knows well. I call them Grate Films: movies that somehow entertain despite the fact that one roots against the main cast, not for them. The kind of film where friends place excited bets on who deserves to get Savini'd next and why, and applaud when they're right. In this regard, Triangle is a truly Grate Film.
Melissa George stars as Billie Piper, a woman with seriously questionable taste in footwear who shows up for a pleasure cruise with friends several days after her Zoloft prescription has expired. (Or maybe she thought this was an audition because there was a Hemsworth waiting out front.) Twilight Zone-y wackiness then ensues, which could accurately be described as some chick who's never seen Groundhog's Day playing Dark Souls on the cruise ship from that one Resident Evil mobile game. Which makes this "the Dark Souls of 'Dark Souls on a cruise ship movies'", I guess. Eventually a Hemsworth gets fingered.
Ultimately, this is a horror film about people trapped in a confined space with a protagonist who's too stupid/crazy/clinically depressed to explain what's going on, and how her idiocy puts everyone else in mortal danger. I won't give away much more, because once you get past the obligatory setup there are actually a few good choices and twists, and a surprising meticulousness to the plotting that's possibly hinted at by the Rosemary's Baby-esque opening theme. This doesn't get in the way of the characters acting like complete tools at all times, however, despite a really clever solution to the problem of keeping the body count high without having to hire more actors. The ending manages to be a potent cocktail of predictable, impossible, and really, really stupid. Few films have been so vehemently anti-nap.
Triange is best approached as a slightly elevated slasher film. Despite following every good idea up with a grate one, there is guaranteed entertainment value here, especially for groups that enjoy yelling at the screen. #makemoviesgrateagain
Tusk (2014)
You Will Not Like This Movie
The very definition of "not for everyone", Tusk is an oddball, absurd, twisted midnight movie that plays more like a demented fever dream than a horror or comedy film. I'd never recommend it to anyone I intend to ever speak to again.
Here are the reasons why you won't like it:
1) It's unexpectedly surreal, with little interest in the laws of reality, or at least modern medicine and police work. And it's not directed in an obviously surreal, arty fashion like, say, a David Lynch picture, which makes it even harder to wrap your head around.
2) It's got an odd tone. There's comedy, sure, but it's mostly a slower, more cringe- inducing variety than Kevin Smith is typically known for. There's suspense, and a bit of gross-out, but the film evokes more unease than outright scares, and the grotesqueries are more evocative of a nightmare after eating one too many sliders than, say, Saw. And it swings freely between the two with no warning at all.
3) You haven't seen Tod Browning's "Freaks", a classic bit of cult cinema that Smith has made references to in other films. In fact, you probably don't even know it exists. (Cinephiles will notice rather direct references to many of Kev-O's other favorite movies as well, including Silence of the Lambs and Jaws.)
4) You're Canadian, and your country and culture are No Laughing Matter.
If for some reason none of the above applies to you, may I recommend "Tusk"? It's oddball, gonzo, at times self indulgent and slow, but also occasionally very funny and strangely thought-provoking, provided you're willing to go along for the ride. It'll make an impression...especially if your short-term memory "isn't what it used to be."