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Agent_Smoulder
Founder of the Resistance I don't even remember what that means anymore :C?
This kind of thing is supposed to be fun.
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Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990)
T-U-R-T-L-E POWER
This movie has a great message, not always true but it has the right spirit and a good heart.
This movie has a number of heart felt scenes and a lot of messaging about the importance of family and togetherness. This movie can be as important for children as it is for their parents and it will easily entertain both at the same time.
There is 1 bad effects shot in the film and I am certain it's there because they wanted to see if anyone would notice. The effects, sets, the music, cinematography, and acting is all here and top notch.
"True ninja mastery is not of the body but of the mind." - Master Splinter.
Maniac Cop 2 (1990)
What movie are these people watching?
This sequel is soooooooo boring. You know who the killer is but who he kills and why make no sense.
Mild Spoilers
The scene where a woman is handcuffed to a steering wheel and then the brake is supposedly disabled and it suddenly begins driving away at 20 or 30 miles per hour weaving all over the road despite an entire woman attached to the left side of the wheel dragging it to one side....
Also there is a plot about some goofy serial killer who talks like Benny from Commando and the zombie cop killer who also kills random people but not all random people so he's like zombie Jason who is cop themed and killing random people and cops most of the time and you see how this rambling is confusing and makes little sense.
This movie doesn't have me saying " whoa cool the killer has a weird wakizashi billy club" instead I'm saying, " where the hell did he get a wakizashi Billy club and fresh cop outfit when he was just impaled by a giant pole and crashed into the river?" The returning cast from the first film get killed off in the first act and then you're basically left with clichés that loiter in rooms spouting off about random gibberish and some awesome character actors are just completely wasted on this film. Also some what should be cool car chase scenes that are just boring to watch because there is no tension.
I'm not a big fan of slasher movies and this is one of the boring ones. The serial killer character ruins every scene he's in.
Candyman (2021)
Candyman 2021 self parodies
It's like I'm on crazy pills with these reviews I am readding here.
Nothing that made the original film in 1992 one of the scariest and most well made horror films of all time is present in this sequel. At least the 2nd and 3rd films had the presence and charisma of Tony Todd to lend them some form of dignity.
I accidentally deleted a lot of what I wrote staring in shock at the awful ending scenes of cgi face Tony Todd and accidentally holding backspace.
My mouth is just hanging open, I'm at a loss for words to describe how completely bankrupt of creativity this film was. Some good cinematography is completely wasted on this film and the amazing score of the original is randomly paraded around.
Just look at the hook from the 1992 film compared to the 2021 film and you should get an understanding of what this film is. This is Robocop 2014 all over again.
A great man once said, " I defy you heart man!"
So too do I say to the creators of this film, I defy you. Candyman is the scariest movie I've seen. This movie is a sick joke that pretentiously wears the skin of its predecessor.
Candyman is not a slasher, way to miss the point.
Sisu (2022)
Barely worth the effort of a review
I'm only writing this review because a number of the negative reviews are cringe inducing.... the film just ended and I am shocked to realize that I now understand where they were coming from but first let me rant a bit about what makes the film not very good.
This movie has a serious issue with tone. This film is like half a grim and gritty WW2 themed version of a Rambo film, but the second half was filled in with Space Jam.
There is straight up Looney Toons levels of cartoon logic and villains that are so incompetent it borders on absurd.
I am wasting my day off typing all this so let me go back to the original part of this poor attempt at a review. The Finnish characters at the end speak Finnish. The Nazi and Soviet characters speak English..... what the actual %@#$!? Until the very end of the film I thought nothing of it until sudden whiplash ending of overlapping subtitles.
If you like mindless violence and gore and can just completely shut down any kind of critical thinking you can enjoy this film in a silly over the top way, but I'll stick to Hobo With A Shotgun.
She-Hulk: Attorney at Law (2022)
Watch the first few minutes of the last episode.
That could have been the whole show and it would have been amazing, but instead we got a show that seems to have some sort of bipolar disorder and acknowledges it with the 4th wall breaks that result in bigger and bigger tonal issues through the show.
This is not a courtroom drama, the courtroom scenes are even more cartoonish than the Depp Heard trial and the courtroom arguments are just embarrassing and maje she hulk in a few scenes look like a complete idiot which undermines the women's empowerment overtones of the show making it a confusing mess.
I was hoping with each episode it would get better, Jen and Matt would team up on some cool court cases and have to use their powers to work together but in the end they show up for one cringey courtroom scene and a mediocre fight against a cringey villain and his hench men.
Predator: The Quietus (1988)
Pre Alpha playtest version The Wolf Of Snow Hollow
I've ruined the movie for you but not really cause it's an out of nowhere twist ending, movie is gibberish trash that gets a few mercy stars for a few scenes here and there and for having Mr. Croup and Mr. Vandemar relatives.
PG made for TV looking African big game hunter with an m16 with screams constantly lady and honestly the best part of the film was that I didn't notice any forced romance crap. Seriously the name for this film is so much better and for that it loses another star.
Monster is a gun in a werewolf Halloween costume with nails for claws and somehow got glowing red monster eyes and a noise maker and in the middle of nowhere Ireland and may be out there murdering people and animals or due to the stinger ending there could still be a big cat out there, escaped lion or tiger is hinted at earlier in the film I believe but never followed up on.
This review is as gibberish as this film.
Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness (2022)
Has that Sam Raimi charm.
TL;DR Good movie that steps in the poopie a few times.
I'm being both harsh and generous in my rating. This movie has a plot that is a bit clumsy, the direction is fine the action scenes are done well and the effects mostly look great but there are some gaps in logic and a few things that felt like outright plot holes while watching the movie but I can't remember the exact details of now.
The biggest issue for this movie is that it feels like it is to WandaVision what Evil Dead is to Evil Dead 2 if that makes any sense. Wandavision handles all of the emotional and more creative ideas better and better shows off Wanda and her power level where as this movie has multiple scenes where she is reduced to just throwing energy balls like she's fighting filler episodes in DBZ.
There is also a nonsense part where all these weaker characters are fighting against her and she is held at bay temporarily but the 2 strongest characters opposing her literally just stand there doing nothing until all the weak characters get defeated or killed.
The illuminati stuff was interesting but the line up made little sense and again that fight was great until it wasn't. Just don't have professor x show up if he's literally going to lose faster than captain Britain at the one thing he is better than pretty much anyone at. That part really ducked the fun out of that scene for me.
Gibberish rant over.
The Night House (2020)
Watch Stir Of Echoes or Final Destination instead
Good acting and really good mood building and little touches here or there but boy does every reveal make the movie worse in some way. There are so many great scenes with the lead and other people but they're only great cause the second half of this movie is a terrible mash up of the above movies with Freddie Krueger sprinkled in.
Pass on it.
4 starts for the stuff that was done right.
The Vigil (2019)
Boring first half picks up in the second half.
The main character is really unlikable which is a problem. Some demon visuals near the halfway mark onwards but mostly jump scares for the first hour of the movie and goofy hallucinations.
Lost in Space (2018)
I'm on s1e7. Very minor spoilers
Best part of the show = the visuals. So much interesting stuff to look at even if the technology doesn't always match and the environments are a little confusing.
I've read some reviews. A lot of negatives about howthe dad is useless and the mom is terrible and the kids are annoying and the science doesn't match up....
Welcome to Lost in Space! If you dislike the 90s version then tone to abandon ship cause you're on the wrong franchise.
Main issues so far are the tone and characters that only exist/interact when on screen.
The science is all gibberish and it's not even like TNG techno babble it's like straight up space fantasy where they took high school science classes.
The new version of Dr. Smith is miserable and doesn't seem to have any goal in mind just doing whatever causes the most drama in any given scene. ( I can't get over the supposed gotcha line of "he took her boots" as if after you crash land on another planet and then grab someone's space boots when they're dread this is some sort of crime or the escape pod sequence like she would have actually been able to go somewhere?!?) She acts like She's motivated for survival but sabotages things constantly. I don't understand how any of these people can buy her act when she acts so suspicious all the time. It is like she's a TNG villain but she's lying to people with current sensibilities not rose tinted future glasses.
The robot is fine. I do wish it was more doofy and clunky looking like in the other shows but it's doing a good job mild spoiler but I don't understand the whole dad is very battered for no reason? Robot charms woman with no real injury to her but for no reason the child is traumatized and orders the robot off a cliff after it has saved everyone a half dozen times.
There is some stupid stuff like driving down a road then reversing and being somewhere completely different.
In regards to the lady characters being too woke for some people. The doctor daughteris from a previous relationship the mom had and is mentioned in the show but the actor looks imo much younger than her character that's causing a lot of confusion.
The mom is kind of a b but she improves every episode so far and is like a normal person now.
Methane eels. Wut?
Will try to update when I'm done with the show and clarify more.
Wrath of Man (2021)
Great movie till 90 minutes in and it turns into a video game.
You'll know when if you have a clue. But seriously this gritty show suddenly turns into a John wick esque fantasy in the last act of the movie and loses the charm it had going.
The middle hour and change of this movie is very good so use your judgement!
The Wheel of Time (2021)
Probably won't finish the season
I'm at episode 4 or 5 and all I can think about is how the one character I was most interested to see with his colorful garb and how he holds everyone's attention and it's adored by the common rabble and so easily recognized by his colorful attire made from dozens if not hundreds of differently colors scraps of fabric is wearing a ducking dark brown corduroy coat like some 70s bum.
The complete incompetence in the way the show was made and disdain for the source material is shocking. I have seriously lost any respect for anyone involved with the show that is paying themselves on the back about how true it is our how fans will love it. These must be the same people who made Picard cause they have no idea what the original material even was.
Await the Dawn (2020)
Not bad for what must have been a tiny budget
This is one of those proof of concept movies, this is pretty much Demon Knight but on a shoe string budget. The acting wasn't terrible and they did have some eye roll scenes here and there but the movie didn't feel like a cash grab or some kind of rip off. The little girl was cringe to me here and there but at least she seemed like she was having a good time and enjoyed the character she was playing.
The monster effects at the end were just Halloween mask level but not a bad Halloween mask.
Above average compared to most of the trash "monster" movies on streaming.
Bug Buster (1998)
I dunno how you can hate this film.
If the title didn't put you off of this film I don't understand how you could make it past a trailer or the description in order to slam this with a score lower than a 4, it's really not worse than a 4 even when taken completely objectively.
I'm assuming that most of the low ratings are from people under the mistaken impression that some of the people in this film are these great actors. They're not but they are good at delivering lines and showing the pepper emotion the scene requires.
If you think of a movie going for something a bit more on the goofy side instead of the seriousness of Tremors you're in the right frame of mind. Randy Quaid's General George is like a scenery chewing version of the Burt Gummer character from Tremors 2.
There are some pretty shocking deaths in this film that you will not see coming and the second half of the film really makes up for the more SyFy original moments of the first half.
Also that band is great!
Channel Zero (2016)
No explanation at the end, ignore fake reviews
Under this paragraph are spoilers, the reviews on here not actually discussing the content of the show should be ignored, only one of the many aspects of this show are explained by the ending of this first season so don't expect much.
.......
These people are too dumb to live, literally.
Unless you find murderous children stuff scary instead of kicking the heck out of these twerps then you might enjoy this.
I just can't sympathize with these people at a certain point cause they're not people they're just checkmarks on a list of plot points to go through.
I just don't even know, if this series was only the first episode this would be an 8 or 9 easy.
Also the tooth thing is just stupid and just make me sigh when I see the waste of budget on screen.
1. kids kill adults and each other all day every day morons
2. You can't pull your own teeth out with your bare hands, go ahead and try.
3. How the f did this old broad in a mask and costume outrun the main guy in knee high brush off the woods omfg and then they do so many fake out scares
4. CGI car smoke, bruh she turned the car slightly and it causes cgi smoke to kill the car? You couldn't even have them go into the ditch or got fake smoke you lazy frauds.
Every episode it makes me more annoyed and frustrated cause this show has potential but they went the wrong way with it. The pay off is a joke. This should be the end and yet the is another episode. They introduce a character for 4 scenes in order to make you "care" when they're killed off instead of just not having the passing scenes and making the show shorter.
This show is just fake out scene after fake out scene over and over till you don't know what is happening in it and what's in the past so that it seems thought provoking when it's just padding the run time with gibberish.
Should have been maybe 3 episodes at the most. They don't explain tooth boy or the faceless guy walking around and looking sticks in his smooth face or the burning effigy scarecrow thing that was the only reason I stuck it through whole dang series!!!!!
The Dead Don't Die (2019)
You either get it, or you don't.
Honestly it's just one of those movies.
Great cast doing a great job with the material, the characters are just going through the motions and the acting really sells that.
The Plague (2006)
There is 1 good visual in this waste of time
For no reason all the children who aren't teens fall into catatonic states. ALL OF THEM, even new children born are in a catatonic state at birth which would really make things difficult but perhaps that's why governments across the world are trying to ban people from giving birth.
Not getting pregnant or forcing people into abortions or birth control but banning them from giving birth..... good luck with that.
So for 10 years these children are comatose they " are strong and are waiting for something" how someone would know this isn't told but as a non medical professional I'm gonna call that that's not how muscles work in the human body. For no reason the children have violent seizures for about 8 seconds every 12 hours at the same times every single day.
The premise of this movie is if FDR was Jason Vorhees, these 5-20 year olds get up and begin chasing people around even though they shouldn't even be able to stand.
For some reason the children gather in a circle and hold down people so that the youngest one nearby can put their hands over their face and then snap their neck. Except for when they smash someone's skull in with an alarm clock, or stab someone cause internal bleeding, or hit someone with a stick, later in the movie they use guns. Let me diverge and mention there is a scene in this movie that wants me to take it seriously where a 2 people are shot with what looks like a twelve gauge shotgun that is then pumped and no shell comes out, their wounds are closer to something from a small caliber pistol and they just sot up against a wall to bleed to death. Also there are only like 2 cops in this town but their police station is enormous with 20 lockers and at least 2 dozen firearms of various types.
The movie never explains any of what's happening and never bothers to make sure that you care because the repeat pointless information numerous times for no reason other than it probably sounded deep to them when they drunken scribbled it down while "writing" their "script" for this thing I will ironically call a movie.
BoJack Horseman (2014)
Imagine if Game Of Thrones only got bad for the last few episodes.
Yeah, that's how I feel about this, 10/10 until like the last 3-4 episodes, felt kinda like a forced ending but I can't really explain why without massive spoilers so if you don't like the ending I'm sorry but the rest of the how is so amazing it's fine.
Underwater (2020)
A spiritual successor to Deep Star Six not to Lovecraft.
First off, I can see why someone would say that this is like LIFE, but I feel that is kind of selling this film short.
Second, I'm not sure if people know this but it's really really dark underwater, if you've been in a cave system before than they turn off the lights you CAN NOT SEE, now imagine you are also surrounded by water that is constantly filled with silt from the ground, poop, pee, and tiny little bits of dead things all constantly floating around you all the time. It's supposed to be hard to see, that's why this isn't Leviathan (another movie I love) with OBVIOUS sets where balloons holding boxes dangle from OBVIOUS strings which is great entertainment but hasn't aged very well with HD resolutions.
This movie is a lot like Gravity in tone(?) and maybe pacing, I get that sense that it's possible for the main characters to survive IF they keep calm and professional and get themselves where they need to be. We still have the distinct actors that we know from other things but unlike in Gravity where most people seemed to find it super distracting with Bullock all by herself they don't have JUST Kristen Stewart carrying the entire second half of the movie by herself, and when she is carrying it she does a great job. B-BUT SHE WAS IN TWILIGHT! you say, so were a lot of people who are normally great actors, NO ONE DOES A GOOD ACTING JOB IN TWILIGHT, so just move on and forget about it, it can't hurt you anymore.
SPOILERS FROM HERE ON OUT JUST IN CASE~!
People are apparently complaining about a heavy handed environmental message in this film, wut? Like they had 2 characters say stuff like "We shouldn't be down here" "What we're doing isn't right" or something along those lines, literally 2 lines immediately followed up with a "We dug too deep" line that pretty much sealed the deal for me on why I enjoyed this film, it was a what if not a It could happen! Mines Of Moria scenario not CHUD, so if you were worried about that don't be, it's just people freaking out and exposing their fears is all. Same with the whole "This feels like a you go girl film", like wut!? OMG don't watch a movie like Aliens or Fury Road, I'm sorry if a woman being competent at her job (you know the thing the company she works for put her down there to do) if a feminist propaganda thing to you.
My biggest complaint is that almost all the monster stuff was CGI, like 90% + think. I would have enjoyed a few of the main creatures to have some like practical limbs or a creepy head puppet or something in one or two scenes but it wasn't a deal breaker or anything. Second biggest complaint is that 2 characters are in a relationship but you don't really get any sense of bonding out of them for most of the movie and that's just cause of the scenario and less of the fact of poor writing, just idk, people act weird in life or death situations.
They spent a lot of money on a gimmick horror thriller and I really really appreciate that. These kinds of movies don't happen much anymore it feels like and with the way this is going over I don't think the box office returns are gonna change this trend.
IF they had about half the budget and instead used dinky older style suits and did the sets like Leviathan perhaps this would be more well received with a more reachable profit margin but they shelved the film for almost 3 years (I assume when LIFE didn't do that great financially) so who knows what is going on with it.
IF this is really the last FOX movie, a shame but at least they went out on a high note.
I'm sure I could discuss this thing for another hour or so and go into various things but I really don't wanna type for hours.
Breeders (1986)
The SLEAZE Charlie!
I just can't believe it, the sleaze in this film is god tier.
This is the kind of film you'd get your Grandma to rent you cause the cover looks amazing and then you'd watch it and because it's so terrible but there is nudity, and you'd be thinking 'Well, it's got a bunch of nudity but is it really worth it?'
A bunch of average 80's ladies get naked and are attacked by people in Halloween costumes with only a single decent effect on display.
Moulin Rouge! (2001)
Wow, just wow...
After watching the first 40 minutes or so of this film and having over half a dozen songs that I hold very dear be butchered, I walked out of the room with the urge to kill people.
Only with the help of about 6 Van Halen songs could I get the feeling of wanting to kill people to leave.
Sadly, I still feel as though part of me died inside.
On a positive note the visuals I saw were stunning.
I fear that many see this film as what it isn't.
This film takes everything that made The Rocky Horror Picture Show great and smashes it into tiny pieces.
I hope that someday I will forget I saw this abomination and feel happiness inside once more.