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Reviews
Hold Me Thrill Me Kiss Me (1992)
Buried Treasure
I love this movie! I first caught it at about 4 in the morning on Cinemax, back in the mid-90s and could not stop laughing at the bizarre tale of a con man on the run hiding out in a trailer park with the whitest of trash. While their he meets up with a porn star, a Hungarian movie star, and assorted other oddball characters that make this movie a lot of fun. Max Perrish and Adrienne Shelly both deserved to have better careers than they had after this came out. Both are great in their roles as Eli and the jail bait animal lover who falls in love with him. This might not be for everybody, but those who like an offbeat black comedy may find this well worth checking out. We need a DVD release! There are two versions floating around on VHS, an R rated and an Unrated...the difference coming, I believe, early on in the movie when Sabre first brings the drunken Eli home to her trailer and has her way with him. Despite this scene, the movie is low on the sleaze factor actually, with the only nudity coming from Parrish's butt...and it is kinda strange that they did two versions, but whichever you do manage to pick up (I bought the unrated for about $3) you will probably find it to be a few bucks wells spent.
The Village (2004)
I see bored people...
OK, I was not a fan of The Sixth Sense because I saw the ending coming a mile away, and the whole movie was built on the "surprise" ending. I avoided Unbreakable in theaters for this reason, only to discover it was a pretty decent movie when a friend showed me the DVD. I really enjoyed Signs, simply because of the directors three movies, it relied the least on a big twist ending. The Village has not one, not two, but three big twists and none of them help support this lame attempt at suspense. The acting is horrible, the script laughable, and the big twists only make you feel like Mr. Shyamalan needs to be stopped at any cost. Once again, the big surprises are so obvious that a five year old could figure them out, this may have been OK if anything that preceded these events were even remotely worth sitting through...but they are not. Ol' M. Night shows how completely full of himself he is by including a ridiculous Hitchcock style cameo near the end...when you are simply praying for the credits to role...and it only serves to remind you that Hitchcock he ain't...do yourself a favor...read some spoilers and save your money...the big surprise it not worth the pain and total boredom you will suffer to get to it.
Darkness (2002)
Well done.
Darkness is not the most original movie in the world, but deserves credit for being better than many of more recent supernatural thrillers that are out there. Viewers who watch alot of horror films will recognizes elements from The Sixth Sense, The Shining, The Others, The Amityville Horror, Ring, Lair of the White Worm and many other popular horror films, but this does not detract from the suspense or sheer creepiness that is present here. Some may be bored by the slow start, but I recommend they go and watch Van Helsing, Resident Evil or some other piece of Hollywood Summer Movie Garbage...those in the mood for a well thought out ghost story will find Darkness well worth a look.
Van Helsing (2004)
Bad beyond belief
I have never been a fan of big budget summer blockbusters, but at least a few of them were mindless, fun popcorn movies. I had a reasonable hope that Van Helsing would at least be watchable. After five minutes I knew that it would be a struggle to sit through. Where do I begin? The lousy looking CGI? The terrible plot? The lame script? How about the acting which could not have been worse had it been performed by sock puppets. The "actor" who played Dracula was less frightening than the Count on Sesame Street. Hugh Jackman simply looks like he lost a bet to appear in the film...and the eye candy vampire brides have all the talent of the cast of any Girls Gone Wild DVD you can find. Aren't monsters supposed to be scary? Then someone explain the stupid looking Mr. Hyde at the begining of the movie who looks like a Shrek wannabe...Shrek is more frightening. This is two hours of my life I can never get back.
Midnight Mass (2003)
Should be seen by anyone who wants to make movies.
Have your life long dream always been to become a film maker? Have you ever gotten depressed thinking that you are just not good enough and that your dream will never come true? I have found the cure for that depression! Watch Midnight Mass! When you do you will discover that no matter how bad a movie is, it can still get released! I really wanted to get some enjoyment from Midnight Mass. It is based on a short novel by F. Paul Wilson, author of The Tomb (one of the greatest horror novels of all time, which launched an incredible character named Repairman Jack). But after a few minutes, it became obvious that this is one of the worst acted, directed, photographed, and edited films in the history of cinema. I have sat through some bad horror movies in my life, Darkwolf, House of 1000 Corpses, and Queen of the Damned are some recent examples, but this one puts them all to shame. Mr. Wilson himself has a cameo in the opening sequence of the film, and he can proudly say he delivers the best performance. If watching movies full of pointless nudity, bad splashing blood effects, and really silly goth characters act sinister is your cup of tea, then you may think Midnight Mass is right up your alley....but you are still in for a disappointment as most the time the camera work and sound are so bad that it is impossible to figure out what is going on even if you have managed to stay awake. Avoid this at all costs!
Wrong Turn (2003)
Finally!!!!
After countless horror films promising a return to "Old School" or "Hardcore" horror, most notably the pathetic House of 1000 Corpses, a movie has finally managed to get it right! While Wrong Turn does not have an original thought in its nasty little head, the pacing, acting, suspense, and gore make it pretty difficult to mind. I have not seen a movie like this in the theaters since the mid-80's when the true "hardcore" horror film seemed to become doomed to a fate of direct to video obscurity. While some recent horror movies have been fun, they have lacked the real punch that a real horror movie needs, replacing it instead with fashionable casts and cheesy one liners. Wrong Turn has an attractive teen cast (most of whom wind up in pieces), but it plays its horror remarkably straight...and remarkably gory...with heads being chopped in half, arrows going through eyeballs, and teen girls being dissected in front of their crying best friends. The backwoods villains are not given ridiculous backstories or wacky habits....we are not assaulted with stupid music video clips to get us into the heads of the characters....these guys are simply inbred freaks who love to kill. Eliza Dushku once again proves herself a horror heroine to be reckoned with in what is easily the best horror film of 2003 so far. Finally! A true return to hardcore horror!
Identity (2003)
A solid cast makes it work.
John Cusack leads a strong cast in "Identity," a slasher film that has enough twists and turns to satisfy mystery fans, and enough blood and brutal killings for those who enjoy a good old fashioned stalk and slash fest. A group of strangers are forced to take shelter during a thunderstorm in a rundown motel that would give Norman Bates pause. Soon another guest shows up with a variety of sharp objects and a bad disposition. While portions of the film are a bit predictable, there is at least one or two surprises for those who think that they have seen it all. The murder sequences are generally offscreen, but the aftermath is often shown in surprisingly bloody detail....often playing very much like throwbacks to the early "Friday the 13th" films. But this cast is hardly your typical teen stalk and slash crew. Cusack is great as usual, in a role that is a big change of pace for him, with some good supporting work from a cast of recognizable faces, all of whom seem right at home in the tense atmosphere. Overall this is a fun horror film that is miles ahead of its current theatrical competition, "House of 1000 Corpses" in thrills, gore, talent, and originality.
Dog Soldiers (2002)
One of the best werewolf movies ever.
After a bit of a slow and confusing start, this little werewolf thriller grabs hold of you and does not let go. I learned a long time ago to avoid direct to video horror movies that boldly compared themselves to the likes of Hellraiser, The Evil Dead and other genre classics...and despite these types of cash-ins all over the DVD packaging, I decided to give this British chiller a chance based on the advice of a friend. I am very glad that I did. This is the best werewolf film since the original Howling! With tall, learing wolf-men that are truly impressive, over the top gore effects, and well choreographed action sequences Dog Soldiers is truly one of the best "buried treasures" to come out of the horror genre in a very long time. It is a real shame that this film did not manage to get a theatrical release. I look forward to what director Neil Marshall has in store for us next!
Halloween: Resurrection (2002)
Better than expected
OK, after much controversy over how much this movie would suck, it turns out that it is far from the worst sequel in the series (That honor still belongs to 6). The film gets off to a great start with an extended cameo from Jamie Lee Curtis facing Michael Myers for the fourth (and final?) time. Watch for several interesting visual references to the early films in the series, especially the last shot of the original. We then return to Haddonfield and the original Myers house where a group of college students are spending the night armed with webcams. Bianca Kajlich is quite good as the new heroine, Sarah, probably the best since Curtis herself....there are quite a few gruesome and memorable deaths, and some entertaining scenes. Perhaps my favorite moment of the film comes where we finally see where Michael spends his time on the other 364 nights of the year. The films only big problem is the casting of Busta Rhymes as the hero...but at least his annoying kung-fu fightin' antics are kept to a minimum until close to the end. I truly came to Halloween: Resurrection ready to hate it, but came out satisfied. My friends and I jokingly called the film as Halloween: Crackhouse for quite a while, but we were wrong...this was a worthy series entry.