brian_herm Reviews

The Happening (2008)

Nothing much happened

[2/10 · 19 June 2008]

No spoiler warning needed for this flick - the movie itself has the spoiler about halfway through, after that it's anti-climactic and quite boring. The premise of plants suddenly mutating and gaining abilities to sense nearby people, then release toxins to make them commit suicide, is laughable. Anyone who has had chemical warfare training knows that wind will disperse airborne toxins, but apparently that's when the plants are most aware or something. The characters are in danger, you can tell, not by their reactions (department store mannequins would react more believably) but because the wind blows the trees around and the schmaltzy music gets really loud (which kept me awake at least). And after the holocaust is over, things just go back to normal. Except... OOOOH! It might happen AGAIN!! Somewhere else!!! Scary!!! I get the impression that someone had a basically cool idea, then sat around with a bunch of other people thinking of how to make it work. Then about halfway through the session someone said "The heck with, let's go get a beer and start shooting next week." Whoever you guys are, I want my seven bucks and two hours of my life back. And for those of you rating this movie as a ten... you're saying this turkey is as good as "Casablanca" or "Ben Hur"? C'mon...

Pledge This! (2006)

Possibly useful in the future

[1/10 · 5 April 2008]

Someday, decades from now, people might ask why Paris Hilton was so universally detested. This film will serve as a documentary about what an ugly, stuck-up, vain, shallow, talentless, and brainless **** Paris Hilton actually is. I didn't know much about her before I rented this, now I despise her as much as anyone else who doesn't know her personally. Other than that, a complete waste of recording medium. Easily the least enjoyable movie I have ever seen, even worse than "Cthulhu Mansion". There is not a single thing in the movie that made me even crack a smile. The skin shots are few and far between and definitely not worth sitting through Paris' voice-over monologues about what a wonderful person she is. I felt bad about returning it to the rental place, instead of just chucking it in the garbage and telling them I lost it.

The Ruins (2008)

Pretty good torture/snuff flick if you like that kinda stuff

[8/10 · 5 April 2008]

I went into this movie not knowing what to expect. I like creepy, scary horror flicks. This one is murder, torture and mutilation, which I don't find entertaining. But it was very well done, the acting was good and the characters were very convincing. Not very many actually scary moments in the film, it's more of a "what awful thing is going to happen to them next?" It's quite realistic - there's no weird plot twists, no attempt to find out any secrets about the ruins or destroy the vines, or making elaborate escape plans, which I appreciated. The characters just try to survive (which they mostly don't). I think the nudity at the beginning wasn't quite so gratuitous. The contrast between the characters' liveliness and attractiveness at the beginning and their condition at the end was an integral part of the movie. Although I don't care for this type of movie, it was well done, and I could tell the audience was really drawn into it.

Spawn (1997)

Huge disappointment

[2/10 · 25 December 2007]

Take a great story about someone being damned for his sins and brought back as a demon. Then take out all the spooky dark stuff and add a bunch of sweetness-and-light tenderness that adds absolutely nothing to the story. Tone down the comic-book atmosphere to a more believable level, something around the level of the town of Mayberry. What you're left with is a watered-down, listless waste of time that's guaranteed not to offend anyone, and has all the entertainment value of a cup of oatmeal. I can almost see a bunch of guys sitting around a table, discussing a live action version of "Spawn", and then someone says "But let's make it a lot more like 'Lassie Come Home' so people can take their kids to see it." Stick with the animated version, don't waste your time and money on this saccharine yawn-fest.

Tank Girl (1995)

It is what it is...

[9/10 · 25 December 2007]

It's a comic strip, on film, in live action. If you're expecting "On Golden Pond", you'll be disappointed. "Tank Girl" is meant to be over the top, in your face, garish, campy and fun, and succeeds admirably. Criticizing the movie for it's lack of character development is like dinging "Forrest Gump" for not having enough car chases. Unhook the analytical portions of your brain, get some popcorn and beer, enjoy the movie for what it is. Lori Petty makes a great cartoon character, Naomi Watts is a quiet geeky babe, Malcolm McDowell plays his standard evil crazy character. Haven't read the comics myself, I'm guessing they're a little darker than the movie (and I was really unhappy that "Spawn" got the Disney touch). There's a fair amount of violence, but no blood anywhere (even when someone gets sprayed with bullets at point blank range, or body parts litter the ground), and the sex is merely hinted at.

Stir of Echoes (1999)

No real good reason to see it

[5/10 · 24 December 2007]

If you've seen The Sixth Sense, The Shining and The Ring, you've seen everything that's in Stir of Echos, and done better. Bacon and Erbe play a very believable married couple, so normal that you might as well watch your neighbors. The script is clumsy in places, such as when the psychic cop asks if the husband is psychic, asks several questions about how it started, and then suddenly explains his behavior in detail. He also warns that the ghost is getting more and more angry. The ghost expresses its anger by doing... nothing. We go visit the cop again, he provides no new information. Yawn. A couple of times the ghost appears. The wife can't see it, doesn't react, the ghost does... nothing again. Yawn. There are no secrets or puzzles in this movie, no surprise ending. If you're a Kathryn Erbe fan, you get a good look at her rear. If you're a Kevin Bacon fan, watch "Flatliners".

Dark Corners (2006)

Okay here's the explanation

[10/10 · 27 September 2007]

Don't compare this movie to a slasher flick. It's in a different category. I thought it was great, very spooky and weird without being too gory (don't watch the first few minutes while you're eating though). I enjoy films that make me think, and there are hints dropped throughout the movie about what's going on: the "nice world" girl talking about her sins, the goth chick being told by her dead friend that it's because of her. I felt like a dummy at the end when it's explained. Good scenery, great visuals, good acting. If it's hard to follow... well, are all of your nightmares perfectly logical? I don't think the spoiler will diminish your enjoyment of the movie, but if you're a smart cookie who likes solving puzzles, stop reading.

SPOILER

Ever wonder what happens to rapists and murderers when they finally get to hell? Answer: they get to relive their crimes, over and over, from the point of view of the victim. So there.