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jackgriffin1-1
Reviews
The Goldbergs (2013)
I had to write this.
I haven't written an IMDB review in years but this show forced me out of retirement. It's so bad it makes me angry and I have to do something to shower off its dirt. What we have here is the worst cast and writing of any show I can remember. (And I've seen Small Wonder.) Here's the plot of every episode:
The Mother (sometimes the father) does something horrendous to one or more of the kids. Fifteen minutes of horrible acting and writing go by, and then the kids realize that the parent is a wonderful person and deserves forgiveness. THAT'S IT! 120 episodes of the same plot!
Now I'll get to the horrible acting in ascending order, from least despicable to most nauseating.
1) The daughter. She's a normal person. She looks at the other family members with horror and disgust. I like that. Gives me someone to relate to.
2) George Segal. You know something's wrong with a show when George Segal's one of the most likable people on it.
3) Now here's where we start to gag. The youngest kid. Wide eyed. Mouth always open and smiling. Often called "Schmoopie". Starts every show doing something stupid and ends each one learning a lesson, all the while narrating the episode in his whiny little voice. (Sound familiar? I'll get to that later).
4) The father. Mr. Underpants. (Did anyone's father really take off his pants and sit in the living room as soon as he got home? If so, I'm very sorry.) He hates everyone. Especially his kids. He spends the majority of each episode delivering his lines with a mouth full of drool. I keep wanting to put a cup under his chin to catch the overspill. Ends each episode learning that he doesn't really hate his family. Until the next episode.
5) Okay. Here's where the jaw droppingly bad acting really is. The older son. Every screamed line is spoken with his eyes wide, his eyebrows raised, and his mouth wide open. He inexplicably thinks he's a rapper, even though the show takes place before rap became popular. What could have made this show even more foul? Yep. Rap and Hip Hop music. This "actor" has the most punchable face ever to disgrace the small screen. He would have been the worst thing ever to hit television if it weren't for...
6) THE MOTHER. Holy crap. I guess she's supposed to be a stereotype of a Jewish mother. But one from Hell (even though they don't believe in Hell. But if they did she would rise from it during every episode.) She defends her stupid kids to the death, taking on any rational person who has the nerve to point out that her offspring, who she "baked in her tummy" (Vomit. Puke. Gag. Dry Heave) aren't God's gifts to the world. You've all heard of an oedipal complex, right? Well, the opposite is called a Jocasta complex, where the mother wants to have sex with her son. That's what we have here. She loves her Schmoopie, and his underpants, and his little face, and she actually tries to keep his girlfriend away from him so she can have him all to herself. Whatever happened to Television Standards and Practices? If this wasn't a "comedy" she'd be in jail. Or on Dr. Phil being booed by the audience. And, of course, every episode starts off with her doing something horrendous to one or more members of her family and ends with everybody forgiving her because she's such a good mother. This show should only be watched in a vomitorium.
So here's the kicker. It's a ripoff of the excellent Wonder Years, without the humor, acting, heart, talent, and soul, and replacing the great 60's soundtrack of that show with hip hop and rap. Mother? Check. Father? Check. Daughter? Check. Older brother? Check. Younger brother narrating the show from sometime in the future? Check. Somebody walked into ABC and said, "You know what would be a good idea? A Jewish rip-off of The Wonder Years!!!" And the executive said, "Great!!!". That executive should be shot.
Well, I was hoping this review would purge me of some of my anger but it didn't. I have to go regurgitate. Excuse me.
Christmas in Connecticut (1945)
honky donkey!!!
This is my favorite Christmas movie. I love it. I have friends over to watch it. I watch it in June. I'm definitely not a fan of Hollywood propaganda wartime films but this transcends the others. The war is a background to the sweetest holiday film ever made.
Stanwyck is great as the slightly unscrupulous writer, Greenstreet is great as her boss, Morgan is incredibly likable, Una O'Connor is Una O'Connor, Gardiner is OK as,I guess,the villain, but for me the star is S.Z Sakall (who refused to have makeup applied to his ears). His lines include:
"She put the watch in his mouth". "Kidneys!!!" "Now it's goulash".
This is the warmest Christmas film I have ever seen. It's one of the few films where I think, "I wish I was there." The house they are staying in is the perfect Christmas cottage. The meals they prepare are perfect. The whole feeling of the film is the embodiment of Christmas.
So to sum up, this film is VERY HONKY DONKEY!!!
Spenser: A Savage Place (1995)
This is an abomination
CANDY SLOANE IS SUPPOSED TO DIE. It sets up the rest of the Spenser novels and affects the way he lives, his attitude towards his abilities, and his relationship with Susan. If it hadn't been a Lifetime film she would have died, but their feminist agenda probably wouldn't allow it. And they threw Hawk and Susan into the film (they weren't in the novel) because the actors were probably under contract. I'm surprised Parker's wife is listed in the credits. She should be ashamed of herself.
Avoid this film at all costs and go read the books. This is an insult to a literary legacy.
Mockery (1927)
Lon Chaney, Film's Greatest Actor
Look at his eyes. Watch the man's eyes. When he's drunk he's squinting with one eye. Feel the sadness in his eyes. They almost make you forget about his physical movements. He's stooped over through most of the film. Watch his hands. No one, ever, conveyed more emotion with his hands. While all around him are emoting like crazy, there's Chaney with his subtle tics and movements, drawing all the attention. I'd heard about this film since I was a kid. I'd seen the stills. Never thought I'd ever see it-until last night on TCM. This thing was filmed a mere ten years after the real Russian Revolution. That's like us watching something from the Clinton administration. At the end, he strangles someone. There is a long close-up of his face. I've never seen that much rage in an actor's face. Ever. And then it quickly turns to sadness and regret. Is the film melodramatic? Yes. Was Chaney an absolute genius in the film? Absolutely. Thank you TCM.
Jack the Ripper (1959)
AMC sucks!!
This film was on the other night on American Movie "Classics". I was waiting for the last shot when the ripper is crushed by the elevator to see if AMC showed the color shot. Not only was it not in color-they cut the whole scene. All you see is a reaction shot of the two guys in the elevator looking at the floor in horror, but you never see what they're looking at. The only place to see this film is on AMC and they butcher it. Is there any reason on earth to watch AMC? They pan and scan, cut for commercials, speed up films, show previews during closing credits, and censor. That's it. I haven't watched this disgrace of a channel in years and I never will again. Who the hell watches it anyway? Thank God for TCM. If anyone reads this post, please tell every film fan you know to boycott this station. It has no reason to exist.
Kongo (1932)
Nasty, nasty film
This is one of the most perverse pre-code films ever made. Drug addiction, rape, incest, nudity, you name it. Every time I show it to people their jaws drop, I burned a TCM showing onto DVD but would love to see an official MGM release.
There is no comparison to the original, "West of Zanzibar". As great as Chaney was, and in my opinion he was one of, if not the, greatest actors that ever lived, "Kongo" beats just about every film I've ever seen for sheer seaminess. C'mon, Virginia Bruce a forcibly drug-addicted heroine forced into prostitution by her father?
"Freaks" has nothing on this one.
Boogeyman (2005)
All form, no substance
I sincerely hope that this American fascination with Japanese horror will end soon. The genre revels in the fact that the films don't have to make sense. They are completely visual and ignore all rules of linear plot. I am so tired of watching films like Ju-on, Tomei, The Grudge, Boogeyman, etc., only to wind up thinking at the end, "What the hell was that all about?", coming away with only an image of an acrobatic ghost woman coming down a staircase. What was the motivation? It's easy to make a film with only images. Ask David Lynch. The trick is to pull those images together in a cohesive way with a coherent plot so that at the end the viewer is satisfied.
Hearts in Atlantis (2001)
You gotta have heart
To paraphrase Wallace Stevens, one must have a mind of winter not to like this film. Unless you're a Stephen King fanatic there is nothing not to be liked about Hearts In Atlantis. Yes, it's melodramatic, and yes, it's sweet, but these are not drawbacks. Just allow something nice into your life. Hopkins is ghost-like, much like Christopher Walken in The Dead Zone. Anton Yelchin as Bobby is just about the most natural young actor I have ever seen, and Mika Boreem, as Carol, is heartbreakingly beautiful, and when she smiles it's like opening presents on Christmas morning. {And yes, that is Mika in the coda}. David Morse is also amazing; look at his eyes when he hears the news about Carol. Nobody saw this movie in the theaters, let's hope that mistake isn't repeated for the video release. Sir Anthony, as Ted, and we as viewers, behold nothing that is not there and the nothing that is. Please see this film.