Colony Reviews

Dunston Checks In (1996)

Good kids movie

[7/10 · 21 January 2006]

I give this movie a seven because I think kids would really like it. When I first saw it in theaters, at the age of nine, I loved it, as did my younger brother.

I haven't seen it in years, but I do remember some great moments. The best one is Paul Reubens as an animal control official, who chases Dunston the Orangutan into a greenhouse. He fires his gun off and startles two old ladies sitting in an office, who then see him out a window looking into the greenhouse. For a few seconds the two ladies stare at him and he stares back. It's funny. The one kids will remember most will probably be Dunston jumping on Faye Dunaway and she falls backwards into a giant cake. Paul Reubens is definitely a highlight in this movie.

Like I said, I haven't seen the movie in years, and I imagine I would feel differently about it now. When I was a kid I didn't know that Faye Dunaway was a movie legend. Now that I've seen Bonnie and Clyde, Chinatown, and Network, it might be a little weird seeing her in this role.

So I feel that the kids and the kid-like will enjoy this movie. The older people, probably not so much.

Fillmore! (2002–2004)

Not just stopping traffic

[28 May 2004]

Fillmore is a show about a boy that used to be a troublemaker, but leaves a life of crime and joins the safety patrol. Where I went to school, the safety patrol would go out into the street with stop signs and help other kids cross the street, but at Fillmore's school, they seem to be the school police force.

Anyway, the show is a satire of real life detective shows, where Fillmore and his partner Ingrid must solve whatever case they must solve by the deadline forced upon them by the bitchy school principal. The show is pretty good actually. The mysteries are simple kids-stuff, but taken seriously to properly satirize the network crime dramas.

The show's biggest flaw, is that it sometimes becomes too serious. It's almost as if for a moment, the writers forgot that they are only making a satire of a crime drama and think that they are actually making a crime drama, and seeing that seriousness in a kids' cartoon is just plain ridiculous.

When the show remains faithful to what it is, it's very good work. It just has to remember what it is.

Super Mario Bros. (1993)

Less to do with SMB than pie has to do with solar-powered laser beams

[20 January 2004]

The truth about this movie is that it really isn't all that bad, it's just that this movie has so little to do with Super Mario Bros. other than the characters' names, it really isn't even a Super Mario Bros. Movie. It's just a movie that has Super Mario Bros. in the title.

Take Toad, in this movie. In the game, he was a cute little mushroom dude, in the movie, he's some weird guy who plays the guitar on the street and sings songs. And Bowser is not a menacing turtle-creature in this movie, he's a dude with funky ridges on his head.

This movie has an interesting plot, but no one will notice because they're too busy trying to figure out where the SMB stuff is at. Where are the funny-looking mushroom guys? The turtles with wings? Is that Yoshi? Why doesn't Mario ride him while he's slurping up enemies? Where are the perilous lava pits and the green mushrooms that give you extra lives? And where the hell is Kuribo's Shoe?

The movie would have been better off if they had just done away with the SMB license and released it as an original movie. So, if you want, you can see it, but try to imagine that it's not a Super Mario Bros. movie.

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie (1996)

No different from the TV show

[30 July 2003]

You may wonder why they made this movie, when it could have been just another episode of the TV series. The reason is this movie was made simply to spite Comedy Central for dropping the show, which got picked up later by Sci-Fi. That's why they made this movie, to spite Comedy Central.

It's funny, don't get me wrong. It is just a large-screen TV episode, so it certainly is funny. There is one other thing different about this movie, the old crappy movie that Mike and the robots make fun of is often considered to not be crappy. When "This Island Earth" was released in the mid 50s, it got good reviews. But today, some things about seem cheesey. For example, there is a scene in which an alien commands that his space-ship screen be changed to "Normal view." Just then, loud powerful music starts playing. Mike and the robots make fun of it by singing "Normal view" to the tune of the song.

It's just a typical TV episode, except on film.

Weinerville (1993–1994)

It was so freaking Awesome!

[19 June 2003]

This show was absolutely hilarious, no questions at all. It made clever use of puppets and the general Nickelodeon slime. It had crazy characters and funny situations. They would show a classic cartoon once or twice an episode.

I have no idea why it lasted for such a short time, it was obviously one of Nickelodeon's best. There's hope for it, though. Nickelodeon recently showed an old episode of the Adventures of Pete and Pete, so they may decide to start showing this one again. I hope so.

Masters of the Maze (1994–1995)

You either think it's cool, or weird

[19 June 2003]

I, personaly, thought this show was cool. Even my mother admitted that it was one of the most interesting kids' shows she had ever seen. It was a game show basically, where a pair of kids tried to help each other out. A clever use of teamwork.

One kid wore a special suit through a short but foggy mirror maze. The other kid had a map of the maze on a large screen in front of him or her, and pushed a joystick in the direction that the maze-wanderer needed to go. The Maze-wanderer's suit would vibrate on the side of his/her body that corresponded the direction that led to the exit. At the end of the maze, the Mirror-Man blocked his way, and the maze-wanderer had to answer his question correctly.

After the maze, the kid had to put a vizor down over his or her eyes, and the joystick operator needed to guide his ally to these little objects that would unlock the doors.

After getting through that, the maze-wanderer had to answer another question, and put one of the door unlockers in a pedestal at the very end.

I'm a little bit fuzzy on the rules still. I'm not sure how the scoring process worked, or if there is anything I missed.

Still, it was an interesting show.

Hey Arnold! (1996–2004)

It used to be good

[19 June 2003]

I went with some friends to see Harriet the Spy in theaters many years ago. When we got home, we told our parents that the movie was okay, and then immediately started talking about the animated short that came on before it: a pilot of Hey Arnold!

"He didn't want to fight this big kid, so he got a baseball bat and played a weird song, and started singing that he was crazy. It was funny." That's what one of my friends said.

Hey Arnold!, although the writing was never very inspired, was more intelligent than many other cartoons popping up. The characters are interesting and funny, and a little bit off-realistic. They all live in the slums of New York, going on little adventures that have little impact on the rest of the world, but are fun to watch. That's the thing about this show that most people misunderstand. It's not supposed to be intelligent or great, but just fun to watch.

It was the only cartoon I ever remember seeing my dad actually watch. I remember turning the TV to cartoons all the time, and my dad would either read the paper, eat something, or go off and do something else. But when I'd turn to Hey Arnold!, he'd sit down and watch it. It's different in our house now, I watch shows my parents never enjoy: ER, Comedy Central Presents, Lupin the Third, etc. Hey Arnold! was a good family show.

Hey Arnold! carried the weight of being the last good program of Nickelodeon's "Golden Era": The early to mid-nineties. By the time Hey Arnold! came out, Rugrats was starting to lose steam, All That started losing its best cast, and other fantastic shows such as Alex Mack and Weinerville were down to their final few episodes. Hey Arnold! lasted through Nickelodeon's slump which ran from the late nineties to now and then the future.

But not anymore. Hey Arnold! has run its course and can't continue. It's a shame, because the horrible movie was a terrible way to end the show and didn't do it any justice at all. Hey Arnold! was a good show when Nickelodeon had no good shows and the feature film had no respect for that. The movie was everything the show wasn't.

The only thing Nickelodeon has now is SpongeBob, which is funny, but way too volatile to expect to last. Jimmy Neutron could have been good if they tried hard enough, but they didn't.

Ellen's Energy Adventure (1996 Video)

Educational and Entertaining

[24 May 2003]

This attraction is kind of a movie/ride. It stars Ellen Degeneres, and she tells us about a dream she's had in which she is on Jeopardy, doing badly, and gets help by going on an adventure with Bill Nye. You watch the dream on screens at first, then the theater seats actually move into another room and view the dream portrayed in animatronic characters. Ellen ends up winning, of course.

Air Bud (1997)

Not that bad

[6/10 · 17 May 2003]

This is a good movie, really. The late dog was charming, and very talented. Zegers is a good actor.

It's been a while since I've seen this film, but I can tell you that it had a good, if seeming a little cliched, story. Zegers is Josh Framm, he's been upset since his test-pilot father was killed in an accident. After moving to Washington, he doesn't fit in and becomes even more upset, but things turn around when he finds a stray dog that has run away from its previous owner.

When he discovers that this dog can shoot baskets, he's cheered up, and decides to join the basketball team, bringing the dog Buddy along as a mascot.

This movie is a little too melodramatic for a kids' movie in certain places. For example, there's the scene in which the basketball coach, after a game in which the character Tom had trouble catching passes, is alone with Tom in the gym, repeatedly firing balls at Tom that batter him all over his body. When Josh and the principal find them, Tom turns and we see bruises on his face and a black eye. That's a little disturbing.

Other than that, this movie is not that bad. All of the sequals suck. Dogs can't play baseball, that's why the ball in the fourth movie is computer animated, completely ruining the spirit of the series.

All That (1994–2020)

This show used to be awesome

[17 May 2003]

When this show first started, it was excellent. They seemed to lose creativity in their sketches after a while, but the show was still very funny. The original episodes with the first cast were the best. Kenan Thompson and Kel Mitchell were the best performers on the show.

Sadly, this show started airing on Nickelodeon in the mid 90s. This is a curse. Any show that began airing on Nickelodeon in the early to mid 90s has either stopped production or changed too much to be any good. Like Hey Arnold!, All That falls into the latter category. The show isn't funny, and the cast sucks. Actually, that Kyle Sullivan is pretty funny. If the sketches were funny, he'd be even funnier.

There was only one time I laughed when I saw the newer All That: A sketch where two characters were on a date, and two other characters were cheering them like crazed football fans.

If Nickelodeon ever shows reruns of the original episodes, try to see them. In the meantime, skip this show.

Super Mario World (1991)

Yoshi Rocks

[14 May 2003]

I don't remember this show very much, but I remember it a little bit. I remember thinking that Yoshi was cool. In fact, I still think that.

There's one episode in particular in which we learn that Yoshi is afraid of water (in the video game, however, Yoshi has no problem with water. Also, all of Koopa's kids have completely different names than they do in the video game. Why?). But, he overcomes his fears to save a pirhana plant trapped in a melting ice cave. Isn't that cool.

I think there was an episode where Yoshi and Mario played football against Koopa's kids. That was cool too.

From what I remember, this show was good. Some episodes are available on DVD, along with a couple Legend of Zelda bonus cartoons. Mind you, those bonus Zelda cartoons are pre-Link to the Past, and for some reason Link is portrayed as a wisecracking jerk, trying to woo the princess. I prefer the quiet guy who just went out to save his country from evil. I even prefer the big-headed, cel-shaded Link.

Pokémon (1997–2023)

Bad

[27 April 2003]

This is not a good show. I heard that one of the producers thought that this show would fail when they first translated it.

Often, any show or movie that is based on a video game is about ten times worse than the video game is. Just look at the Super Mario Bros. Movie, the Mortal Kombat Movie, and the Legend of Zelda cartoon. They all suck. This show isn't much better.

It's biggest problem is the main characters. They quickly become annoying and you automatically hate them. The antagonists, Team Rocket, I admit that I like them, partly because they try to stop the three main characters, Ash, Misty, and Brock. They also seem to have a bit more depth to them, but it's still not enough to save the show. Not by a long shot.

The plots are often corny, the battles very un-thrilling, and the dialog substantially dumbed-down for little kids. The stylish-wanabee water-colored backdrops do absolutely nothing to help the angular characters (See: Powerpuff Girls, Clerks).

I've heard Veronica Taylor in Kare Kano and she's not bad, but she doesn't sound like a little boy in this show. She sounds like a grown woman trying to sound like a little boy. The rest of the cast is acceptable.

Why did it become so popular? I don't know. Heck, Yu-Gi-Oh is becoming more popular than Pokemon and it's even worse. Kids today have strange tastes.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990)

How the target audience feels

[8/10 · 16 September 2002]

I remember when I first saw this movie. I was a measely three years old. And I thought it was just really cool, because I was a little kid, and I watched the cartoon. Even though this movie is closer to the Mirage Studios comic book I still thought it was cool.

Now, well, I have to admit I still like it. It's hard to not like something you liked for a long long time. I have this movie on DVD, and I think that it's just as cool as ever.

But will someone who was not a little kid back then like this movie now? No, I really don't think so. You'd probably find it to be too strange, too confusing, and just too kiddie-like.

Not that this movie was all for little kids. It had some depth to it lacking in the old cartoon. There are things like violence, teenagers gambling, stealing, and smoking cigars, and, my favorite, a joke that I only got after watching the movie on DVD, about six or seven years since the last time I saw it:

Donatello to Casey: "You're a claustrophobic."

Casey to Donatello: "Hey, I've never even LOOKED at another guy!"