The reason why I actually saw this movie is cause a girlfriend of mine is a die-hard Harry Potter fan, loves the movies and will look every movie the cast of HP has a part in. So watching this one with her, I had no expectations cause I didn't know what this film was about and to be honest, when it was over I still had no clue whatsoever what this was supposed to be. A drama, a comedy, a vehicle to boost some young talents careers? I had no clue. So after 90 minutes of twists and turns, unlikely coincidences and a kind of rushed happy end I was sitting there uttering the words "now this is bogus!". It's not that it was a bad movie per se, we have a very unlikely story, a very good but also very very stereotypically cast set of actors that act over the top, a weird storyline and lots of dancing. So I didn't have the feeling that it was a bad movie, but I still had no idea what this was supposed to be. The only thing I really took from it was that whoever is to direct the next film starring Emma Watson has to botox her forehead back to the stoneage cause her eyebrows have to stop moving when she is acting. I mean I ended up staring at them cause even though there is lots of dancing in the film her eyebrows are the things that move the most. On the other hand, it has been worse in the HP movies. However, it wasn't until I spoke with another friend of mine - another Harry Potter fan and mom of 4 kids - and complained about this film that I was told that this is an adaption of a child book classic. I suppose this was the godmother of all "duuuuh" moments someone can have, especially after I was lectured for a solid 15 minutes about how great the book is how her kids love it how much they can learn about the importance of hard work and taking care of each other and yadda yadda yadda plus just cause I'm a guy and not into the Harry Potter stuff I still have no right to badmouth the girl playing Hermione cause it's her fave character in the books. So, knowing that it's a kids book the stereotypical characters make sense and with that in mind the actors casted for the roles actually fit perfect. Richard Griffiths is befuddled and funny as always, Marc Warren can be the shy guy once more just to name a few. And so finally, the twist and turns and the happy end make sense too, so does the fact that I couldn't understand the story, cause it's made for little girls in the 1930s. I guess I really dodged a bullet there, for a few days I thought I was just stupid.
Reviews
24 Reviews
Another sword and sandal flick with Gordon Scott
20 October 2007
Say what you want about the genre of sword and sandal films. Without any historical credibility whatsoever or any similarities with the historical/mythical characters that give the heroes their names some muscle men, mostly American bodybuilders fight for freedom and glory somewhere in the ancient world. This time around it's Gordon Scott as prince Nippur (name taken from an ancient Summerian city located in modern day Iraq) returning from exile after calls from the oppressed people of Babylon, tormented by their usurper with slavery and human sacrifices. In the tradition of Samson and Hercules prince Nippur has superhuman strength, hence overpowering the evil forces to bring freedom and justice back to the empire. Sounds a bit like Anakin Skywalkers/Darth Vaders monologue before the climatic battle at the end of Star Wars Episode 3, though the story is a little too interlaced for film of that length. I like this cheesy flicks on a lazy Saturday morning like today, especially as I', down with a cold, the downside of this movie is that there are way too many characters, both good and evil,too long scenes of sacrifices and random violence against the slaved populace - I mean we get it, the bad guy is REALLY bad - and stereotypical scenes where the trapped or chained hero overcomes all odds in a heroic display of his power to jump in for the rescue at the end. It is entertaining, no doubts there, but with a dozen women wearing same or similar wigs all guys wearing fake beards and armor it's kinda hard to follow the story in detail. You leave for 5 minutes and you don't know what happened cause all throughout the flick new characters are introduced - or killed. The story itself is very interchangeable, so if you'd put in Hercules and a Greek polis where this stuff had happened, it would have worked just as well. For situations like mine atm, where I can't do anything else anyways this film is good, would have been perfect if the storyline was more simple, but other than that it has most things that makes a cheesy sword and sandal flick so entertaining. Silly costumes, bad acting, bad fake beards, bad wigs, random backdrops from obviously various other productions and lots of scenes where a muscle man can show his biceps. 4 or 10 points, however quite entertaining.
Hell of the Living Dead
(1980)
One horrible movie - check for goofs!
23 May 2007
When it comes to zombie films we're used to flicks that are below standard, as most of its companions of that era Virus has become quite notorious. So in general, if you like horror and zombie films, check it out and judge yourself if it earns that reputation. I say no, and there are many reasons, mostly the goofs that continue throughout the picture, but also the technical flaws of it. The cast, as in all films of that kind, sucks. The acting is so wooden, I was wondering if Pinoccio would show up. Some of the Zombies struggle to keep a straight face. A major abominations are the scenes where one member of the special forces taunts the walking dead face to face and they do nothing. Zilch. Nada. Speaking about special forces, we are to believe that a special force of just 4 people in blue overalls and plain street shoes is sent to Papua New Guinea, armed with 40 year old Thompson MPs and similar old gunnery. Despite knowing that a headshot kills the zombies from the first engagement they unload their ammunition into the bodies of them over and over again with no effect. Not a smart bunch of people. But it gets worse than that. Owls and hawks fly through the air making the noises of apes, apes leaping through landscapes that look completely different to the setting the actors are in and the most ridiculous geographical good: A herd of African elephants stampeding through the savanna though it was said clearly that were in New Guinea! Hilarious. Well, when the special team storms the embassy we read "policia urbana" on a police car and something with "espanol" on the ambulance, so at least we know where it was shot. Explains also why the natives in Papua don't look like asians. Speaking about hilarious, this flick brings you the most ridiculous excuse for a boob scene ever, I don't want to ruin that "no they didn't!!!" experience for anyone who hasn't watched it, see for yourselves. Cause you wouldn't believe me anyways. There are lots of other goofs here and there, like the rat in the facility being the only animal affected by the virus in the whole film, that Geiger counter substitute whose indicator curiously goes to the right when you turn a rotary knob to the right, "zombies" pressing a piece of meat to another actors leg and pulling it through their fingers with their teeth to get the effect of ripping flesh off the bone. Another low point is the scenes ripped from a documentary of an actual funeral ceremony of a tribe, showing a real corpse with an already bloated body, needless to say when that man rises from the dead neither he, the rest of the tribe nor their village looks anything like the stock footage. Of course, we're not spared of footage of a tribe gutting and eating a real animal, in this case a Crocodile. Another example of clever but unconvincing editing is stock footage of an old tribe woman eating something, cut together with new shots of a hand picking maggots from a rotten human head. Counting up all those things you might think there is actually something happening in this film, but it isn't. Most of the time the group slides from one engagement with zombies to another location where the same thing happens again and the story fizzles out rather quickly. So when they finally, after almost 100 minutes reach the research facility and get finished off rather quickly after having survived for so long you ask yourself why on earth those ugly mutts weren't killed after 15 minutes so we wouldn't have to watch it. Seriously, we know that people like Mattei or his colleague D'Amato never did this for artistic reasons but for the money, and this kind of films were made cheap and quick to mooch of the success of Romero and Fulci. Still, there are so many moment ins this film that you wonder if there wasn't anyone in the crew or the casts who told their director "Dude, this isn't right no one will buy it". If I hadn't read that Mattei died this Monday (two days ago on the day I write this) I wouldn't have watched it, but it was the first of his films I found when I searched my collection.
20,000 Leagues Under the Sea
(1997 TV Movie)
failed adaption of a classic
15 December 2006
This movie fails for several reasons. First of all, if someone thinks of 20000 leagues under the sea as a film, he will most likely remember the 1954 Walt Disney version of it with Richard Mason, Peter Lorre, Kirk Douglas and Paul Lukas. Against a cast like that this version stands with no chance, Richard Crenna is a decent actor if he plays a decent role and the one thing you can say about him is that he doesn't look as ridiculous as the rest of the cast. Now if you think of Peter Lorre as Prof. Arronax assistant in the 1954 version and consider what you get instead, a girl with an ugly haircut, this is the first big disappointment. As an earlier comment posted, the words "based upon" always gives the authors of a script a lot of creative options. But if you make use of that freedom, you should know where you're going and the result should be good. This time it's not. With the focus of the story on the love thing going on between Nemo, Ned Land and Ugly Haircut the whole essence of the book gets trivialized. The book is a warning about advanced technology used for wrong purposes, adapting this to nuclear power in the Disney version was actually a pretty good idea back then as it was a very popular topic used in many b-movies of that period. The evolving love story is completely dispensable as we know who she'll choose in the end anyways. Furthermore, Nemos attempts to murder Ned Land cause he is his rival in winning Ugly Haircuts heart alters Nemos character significantly to a lovesick villain but once Land saves the ship at the end they are released by him. Makes lots of sense. The biggest disappointment however in this film is the non existent fight with the giant squid, instead you get some sort of alien that gets defeated in a very silly way. Don't get me wrong, I liked Signs for the fact that the alien gets beaten with a baseball bat but this was just pathetic. Some decent underwater shots is all it has to offer, though they add a goof with that as when Ugly Haircut admires the sight outside the Nautilus scuttle the ship would crash into the corals as the camera suggest it is floating sideways. The special effects of the sharks, the monster attacking the Nautilus and the exterior animations of the Nautilus itself are done very sloppy, but that's a disease TV shows and films of that time often suffer from. However, when effects like that are mixed with bad actors, a half baked storyline and a plot basing on the most ridiculous idea that 2 guys would actually compete over a woman with an abomination as a haircut you get a silly film in the end. You may argue that Kirk Douglas building a guitar out of a turtle shell and singing songs to a seal is silly too, it is, but that's what you get when you see a Disney film. At least Disneys version had some funny moments, but who laughed watching this one? I rest my case.
Acquasanta Joe
(1971)
Limited spaghetti western with limited budget
21 March 2006
I rated this one with solid 5/10 points. It's very limited in various ways. Let's face it, most Italian westerns weren't blessed with a high budget, this wasn't either and it shows. The action takes place mostly somewhere in a canyon or woods, you barely get to see. Still, it's entertaining. The characters are stereotypes, starting with the hero Holy Water Joe, the ruthless but cunning headhunter who brings down a pack of bandits that robbed the bank he put all his earnings in. The action is quite fast and though this kind of movie naturally isn't a grade A product it's fairly entertaining. The soundtrack is quite interesting, as it contains both the usual orchestration for spaghetti westerns as well as some 60/70s style music. A product of it's time I guess. However, I felt entertained by this one and for that it gets a bonus pushing it to 5 of 10 points, with the entertainment factor higher than that.
Jack Holborn
(1982)
One of the best series in my childhood
30 November 2004
I first saw this series about 20 years ago, about 1984 I think, my parents taped them for my brother and me and I still own the old tapes. I haven't seen them in years though as I was afraid I could damage the tapes but gladly the series was released on DVD now and I could watch it in a much better quality then I used to. It impressed me a lot when I was a kid, watching it again now brings up some memories and I still have to say that for a mini series from the 80s it is a great one. Many shots made on sea, beautiful ships, solid made model works, good actors, it got all it takes and I still think it's not only for kids. Even without cgi they filmed on many locations that perfectly fit in the looks of the 18th century, clothing, uniforms and tools make the illusion perfect. It's a bit cheesy that most things turn out fine and too many things happen coincidental, the swordfights between the pirates and the crew of the Charming Molly don't look that convincing than they did back when I was a kid (Braveheart and Lord of the Rings set a new standart in hack'n'slash on the screen) but what the heck, it's still awesome and gets the full 10 points from me for nostalgic reason. Go Jack, go!
Ward 13
(2003)
One of the best animated shorts I've ever seen
31 March 2004
Maybe it's because I'm such a big fan of both horror and animated films, but in my eyes this was one of the best animated short films I've seen so far. And I've seen a lot of them because I usually don't miss one single episode of the short film festival specials in German tv. It was well animated and synchronized, the grunts sounds of the "Jason" character are hilarious. So are the fighting scenes and the wheelchair chase. That is exactly what I missed in Wallace and Gromit, the good old violence shown with a big smile. I hope it runs again soon, I have to own that for my VCR. I hope the team that made this one brings out another, longer animated film of this quality. I'll go see it, in case it's as funny as this.
The Chieh Boxing Master
(1982)
Pretty good eastern
12 March 2004
Well, for a kung-fu movie this isn't to bad, okay, the big fight at the end is a bit pushed to far, you can see the low budget but it's quite funny. The plot is very simple and some might wonder why the bad guys always pick a fight they know they will loose without a real cause. The stunt with the car is pretty good but the camera work is worse than in most films of that time.
Well, low level entertainment, I've seen it about 4 times now on German RTL2, they have very few kung fu movies in rotation for a long time and they are just perfect as background noise to fall asleep. The really interesting fact by the way is the title it runs. It's shown with the title "Bruce, der Unbesiegte". Also shown in the TV magazine and online tv programe is the original title and the year, saying that it is "Bruce the superhero" from 1973. It also says that Bruce Lee AND Ho Chung-Tao are featured in it, if you click for more information you get more background about the real Bruce Lee and his movies, early death and so on. The TV station at least gives the right summary of the movie. Well, it wouldn't be worth mentioning, but they are making the same mistake for years now, I think they don't know better.
Well, low level entertainment, I've seen it about 4 times now on German RTL2, they have very few kung fu movies in rotation for a long time and they are just perfect as background noise to fall asleep. The really interesting fact by the way is the title it runs. It's shown with the title "Bruce, der Unbesiegte". Also shown in the TV magazine and online tv programe is the original title and the year, saying that it is "Bruce the superhero" from 1973. It also says that Bruce Lee AND Ho Chung-Tao are featured in it, if you click for more information you get more background about the real Bruce Lee and his movies, early death and so on. The TV station at least gives the right summary of the movie. Well, it wouldn't be worth mentioning, but they are making the same mistake for years now, I think they don't know better.
Mutant
(1984)
Seen worse, seen better
7 March 2004
Well, I've seen far worse horror flicks but I've seen better, at least this isn't another Italian movie just using gore to satisfy the viewer. By the way, in Germany this movie runs with the title "Mutant 2", and don't ask me what the first one is, I don't know and I don't care. But basicly I like this kind of cheap horror movies, sometimes I think the low violence level is not wanted but a necessity due to short budget. But that doesn't make it worse, cause I've seen too may movies that were bad enough, but the violence scenes were just so badly made and cheap that it ruined the rest. The thing that really freaked me is that I've seen a few known faces in this flick, they must have owed the director something.
Italian Movie
(1995)
Bad bad bad
12 November 2003
I don't get it, is this a comedy, or a drama or what?!? This probably is the worst story I've ever seen, and as a fan of b-movies, horror and science fiction I've seen a lot of crap, but that one beats everything I've ever seen. It's not even cheesy. The only reason I didn't switch the channel was cause I was to lazy to search for the remote. Well, and cause I was playing on my computer so I was distracted enough so I didn't take any permanent damage by it. 1 of 10 points. This movie has nothing in it worth watching.
King Kong
(1933)
The godfather of all monster movies
4 November 2003
Yeah, that's the spirit. Still the best monster movie ever made. It's sad that the scenes where some giant spiders devour the sailors King Kong threw down the jungle valley are lost. Anyways, what is left scared the hell out of people back in 1933 and at that time it was maybe the best film ever made. I still like to watch the DVD with my friends, strangely it wasn't shown too often in german television in he last years and many people my age (25) haven't seen it yet and they are surprised how entertaining it still is. 10 of 10.
The Angry Red Planet
(1959)
Damn good entertainment
28 October 2003
Yeah, 190.000 bucks to make this one, thats the old spirit! I usually don't give that high rankings to movies of that quality, but this one earns a 7/10. It's so cheesy and just so much fun to watch, that blob thing with the eye going round in circles is a killer!!! A story to shake in laughter, crappy effects, scientific mistakes everywhere, thats the way to make a b-movie that rocks! I love that one, glad I bought it on tape via ebay so cheap.
Beware! The Blob
(1972)
Beware!
23 October 2003
Well, this kind of movies are entertaining in some way due to their trash potential, I think I should check if it ever ran on MST3k, but the most terrifying thing in this movie is the soundtrack of the intro. Where the hell did they dig that score out? It hurts!!! Never thought that you can make such a big room freeze within seconds. Cheesy. Anyways, me and my pals laugthed a lot watching that one. Good entertainment, worth watching it. 2 of 10 points.
Who the hell financed this???
27 May 2003
Who on earth would give money to another person to shoot something like this??? And who went to theaters to watch it so they made another sequel? Boring, wooorst acting and a script from hell. I want the time I spend watching this back. Not even worth looking as a MST3k episode, potatoes are what we eat yourself!!!
Signs
(2002)
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawww!
13 March 2003
400.000.000 Dollars income, oh my. Those aliens managed to travel trough space, but they are stupid enough to attack a planet that is covered with over 70% water. Spaceships but no protection suits against water??? How ridiculous is that!?!??! Well, well, well. Anyway, good acting, some really good jokes. The one with Phoenix wearing the aluminium-foil-hat is a killer! And a movie in witch an alien gets beaten up with a baseball bat! Thats good fun. But this typical "God is with us"-ending is sooo puritan-american. Even more pathetic than changing "french fries" into "freedom fries".
Hellraiser: Inferno
(2000 Video)
Good stuff
8 October 2002
This was a very good movie. I'm a big fan of the Hellraiser series and I was very disappointed when I first saw Bloodlines. But this was a good one. The disturbing thing is the role of pinhead. In all other movies he is a messenger of ultimate pain an desperation, an active tormentor of souls, so in his role he is very disposable this time. This story doesn't need "Hellraiser" written on it's label to become a success. On the other hand it has more similarities with the book than Hellraiser 2, 3 and 4. Good actors, some good SFX, a dark, violent atmosphere and an entertaining story sum up to one of the best sequels for a long time.
Jason X
(2001)
Better camera, acting, sfx but oh my goooooooood!!!
8 October 2002
Oh my, what the hell!!! Hahahah!!! Jason goes to Space, Ernest goes to the beach and I laughted sooo hard. The actors are much better than in the prequels, camera and effects are very good, but who on earth wrote that script? This Cyberjason was just ridiculous. You can't blame it on the budget, this was ruined by the story. SciFiSlasher sucks!!! I hope the same cast and team gest the chance to do a movie with a good script. Anyhow, it's made solid, watchable and entertaining, but stupid.
Cannibal Ferox
(1981)
Well, well, well
27 September 2002
Well, I really don't know why this movie got banned. Maybe because of the mutilations of the animals. You really ask yourself why those animals had to suffer just because those idiots were to stupid to produce a good movie. But on the other hand, at that time this was new and it doesn't seem they had to worry about the guys from Greenpeace coming over and telling them what they think about cutting up a turtle for footage. The horror and splatter genre has alway been dominated by the underground movies that were banned immediately in several countries, rising their fame to higher levels. Seriously, if there hadn't been the bannings of Texas Chainsaw Massacre back in 1974, nobody in Germany would still remember this disturbing little movie with the annoying soundtrack and the fat guy with his chainsaw. I've seen a lot of the banned movies and not one of them was outstanding violent or cruel. I just learned one thing from them. A good movie has to entertain,just trying to show more blood or guts just bores after a while. Don't get me wrong, Braindead is hilarious. But I just don't care anymore why the dead walk this time or why the cannibals seek bloody revenge, who is the bad guy and I don't give a damn who will survive. Who could care? Tell me one explanation why there are zombies that lets me jump of my chair or show me one SFX that isn't computer animated thet lets me wonder how it was made. I've seen far worse movies, but for being so notorious it should be a lot more.
The Keep
(1983)
Tangerine Dream SUCKS!!!!!!!!
16 August 2002
This movie would have been a very good one, if there wasn't this crappy music score. It's ruining the whole movie. The plot is okay, there are good effects, the cast is all right, but the soundtrack is AWFUL. As a big fan of lovecraftian horror I like the idea of an ancient evil hidden in the vaults of an old castle, but not with that background music.
Tentacles
(1977)
Heeeere fishy fishy!!!
3 July 2002
I was quite young when I watched this Italian movie. Actually, I had it on video because I hoped it was a movie like "Jaws" with some nice shots of real or animated octopus, but nope. Crap. Don't get me wrong, I loooooove horror movies with animal killers, but this one really bites wind. There is only one good scene, a miniature boat is shown from under water and a seemingly real octopus attacks the boat. Almost looked real. The only thing to see after that is a shaken boat and stupid actors yelling. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaawn. I gave films like "Blood Dolls" 2 points and I said that it's a really bad but very entertaining movie (seriously, I've laughed so loud my neighbor knocked at my wall)but this one gets 2 points only and nothing else. This film sucks, trust me. No entertainment, only good actors not even trying to do their work seriously.
Kingdom of the Spiders
(1977)
One of the first horror movies I've seen and still one of the best
3 July 2002
I have no idea how old I was when I first saw this movie, maybe 9 or 10 and yes, I'm happy that we don't have any biting, poisonous spiders here in Germany. The plot is better than most of this genre, it's good structured and it lacks a stupid showdown with a giant monster breeding millions of smaller beings. Instead, it's an open end an an appeal against the abuse of pesticides. Big bonus. And the tarantulas are soooooo yucky. I even think this movie is the cause for my brothers aracnophobia. One thing that upsets me in almost every of this kind of movies is that the "hero" (in this case Captain Kirk) saves a child. I like "Smilla's sense of snow" because this annoying inuit boy is thrown off the roof. Kill more kids in movies!!! Same rights for everyone!!!!
Spiders
(2000)
Muuuaaahahahahahahhha
25 February 2002
I'm a real big fan of those animal grows big and kills teenagers movies. What just love the causes why those animals become monster and in this movie, it was one of the most ridiculous I've ever seen. My girlfriend was snoring in my arms after 5 minutes but I laughed a lot that night. Some good SFX adds a point up to 2 from 10 points. This movie really is bad, but as always, great entertainment.
Beyond Darkness
(1990)
Yaaaaaaaawn
21 February 2002
Well, I'm not going to talk much about that movie, cause I agree in most point with the comment by Zantara, but I just had another thing concerning the Title. &The original title "La Casa 5" an the american subtitle just can't beat the german title "Horror House 2". I never saw a movie called "Horror House" in any video-tape library or on TV an no german homepage knows the first part. So if you think calling it House 5 is ridiculous, nope, german video producers beat that by far.
Blood Dolls
(1999)
Yeah, that's trash!!!!
20 February 2002
Well, I gave this movie 2 out of 10 point, because it really is a crappy one. I liked it anyway. As many other cheap movies it entertains a lot, mostly because of the awfully cast. Okay, the women were good looking and the guy with the makeup seemed to have some talent. But letting the girls play ridiculous pop rock and having 2 ends for it just to reach a 80 Minutes line is a sad result for Mr. Band. "Mr. Mascaro"'s appearance and his explanation why there is a second ending added a little touch of a "Tales from the Crypt" atmosphere, and it helped Blooddolls to gain a few bonus points. Conclusion: Very bad movie, but a lot of fun to watch, but Charles Band did better in the past, I will definitely watch it again when it runs after midnight and there is no alternative.
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