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Reviews
Unicorn: Warriors Eternal (2023)
A flop
I love Genndy Tatarovski and all of his works. For his wit, his crisp animation, telling stories with few (or no words), just through facial animation and a simple but gripping plot.
This show has none of this. The plot is increadibly meandering while letting us in on the "secrets" of the Eternal Warriors, the fights fill like fillers to Emma's "tortured" past, which we're all getting sick of by episode 6 and while the animation is good, the style is fugly and obtrusive.
Thank the heavens Primal was renewed for a third season, this can sink as creative revenge work cause his Popeye movie was tanked.
Dragon Age: Absolution (2022)
Bad Dragon (Age)
If you like the abandoned script of a game crammed into about 2 hours with flat, one sided characters and video game combat, you'll like it. If you liked Bioware for having developed characters and good dialogue, you won't find them here.
Follow Miriam, who is a likeable or relatebale as a rash on your bottom who hails from a traumatic past as an elven slave in the Tevinter Imperium (and therefore constantly berates her friends? I'm angry how slavery in DA:A apparently boils down to growing up with an abusive parent as EVERYTHING in this show is rushed and only skims the surface) going on an ill fated heist cause the woman she's dreaming of starting a cheese farm with secretly also hates Tevinter (but never shared that? The fact that she wears a necklace with an engraving of a, apparently, well known Tevinter house seemed to escape everyone's attention, except for when the plot needed it) and allied herself with Red Templars (literal horrible monsters) cause she wants to kill everyone in Tevinter as she is very sane just like the villain who, like Miriam, is after 20 something years still hung up about a dead friend (but at least pours time, tears and work into reviving him instead of throwing tantrums like Miriam). Everyone rather kills scores of innocents than going to therapy.
The side characters, as one sided they are, are the most likeable but probably only cause they are just walking set pieces and weren't forced into a "Im dark and egdy" main character mire of writing.
Bonus points for including a qunari mage, minus points for never ever touching upon how qunari mage are hated and hunted by their folk and boiling her personality down to XD SCREAMY ZANY HUMOR XD.
The Wrong Missy (2020)
Money laundering
It's gotta be money laundering.
Thanks for adding another level of torture on this lockdown Mr Sandler.
Wildling (2018)
Cute Snaps
A cute but slightly formulaic spin on the coming of age story with slight reminiscence of Ginger Snaps which left me entertained.
The story has a few fallacies and gaps but Bel Powley is beyond superb in this.
The major question lingering with me after this movie is how Powley can act better with just her eyes than Liv Tyler with her entire body.
After the Dark (2013)
Plato's Mancave
I quite enjoyed the movie.
The fact tertiary or unknown skills played into the selection of the selected few over a person with power (at first) and singular skills appealed to me.
Sadly, it's not really philosophy as it turns out all over (the Plato's Cave reference is heavy handed and weak and the proposed utilitarianism often borders on libertarianism and outright autocracy) and especially towards the end of the movie and it kinda shakes the foundations of Petra's choices (who, sadly again, has the acting range of an animated sex doll and this is not reducing her to her looks but her general "sensual" acting).
Still, the cinematography is great, the switch between classroom and mindspace is a great idea and I liked how they explored several ideas with several outcomes who aren't preachy (they all end in a shitty scenario some way or another).
Rupture (2016)
Flupture
The story has a lot of potential, sadly they boil it down to:
The build up
Continuous exposition
End
Portal (2019)
Boretal
Alright for a C movie.
Actors aren't bad. Humor is alright. Lightning sadly is horrid. At least throughout all act 2 which should be the meaty party but sadly it turns into a rather generic ghost? possession? movie which falls flat on suspense and atmosphere.
Wounds (2019)
A wound worth picking at
As a die hard fan of Lynch's craft to pour filth on the mundane and twist it and a fan of more underground grime like the Flowers trilogy that revolve more around exploration of a twisted, grimy setting than a by the book tale, I adored this movie.
It's slow, creeping and festering piece with disorienting images strewn in between that pulled me in tighter while making me delightfully queasy. The acting is strong and so is Anvari's skilled steady hand for framing scenes and visceral imagery. It probably belongs more in the terror and surreal categories than standard horror.
My main gripe is probably Armie Hammer's natural charm and the script not really emphasising Will's supposed staleness and hollowness, you often kinda feel yourself rooting for a rather average and flawed guy and his descent feels a bit like the generic sudden descent into madness trope and not like Will's lack of drive and standards being the vessel for the rotten fruit he will harvest.
On a side note, it's also fun to imagine this movie as sort of a side sequel portraying the aftermath of one of the countless "college kids mess with forces they don't understand" movies.
1st Summoning (2018)
Stuck Teen Looking for Help
Not a metaphor for all the people who worked on this piece of sh°t.
Skip the entire movie towards the last few minutes.
See the girl almost slip out of the stockades.
That was honestly the best bit about it.