tom-15844 Reviews

Argylle (2024)

Some laughs early on but it drags towards the end

[3/10 · 26 May 2024]

The film starts fairly strong and then grinds to a halt. There was a point, a sort of twist among twists, where I thought it was over, but unbelievably there was still an hour to go. Maybe that was "the bit", that it piled twist upon twist, but seriously, rule of three. I get that a pastiche of a spy thriller is going to employ that sort of trick, but when it's your only move you should do the audience a favour and end the film a lot earlier.

Sam Rockwell does fairly well in the first half, but the lead actress (Bryce Dallas Howard) is seriously out of her depth. I was tuning out by the end, a tacked-on emotional side story and yet more twists bloated the film to nearly two and a half hours. It's just not worth it.

Luck (I) (2022)

Lacks soul

[4/10 · 10 August 2023]

I went into this one expecting a Disney-Pixar type adventure, but there's a real gulf in class, one that is hard to put your finger on. It's a passable imitation, but very much the budget version.

The plot and writing are weak- not in a "kids' movie, what did you expect" way, it just doesn't hang together well. Devices are introduced on the spot, and just as soon cast aside.

The overall arc of the story and the major beats are very predictable, down to the ending/"moral" which is exactly what you expect it will be, but played straight and without insight- a discussion of the "problem of evil" might have been out of place in a kid's movie, but you'd expect some evidence of thought by the writers. They painted themselves into a corner with a very high concept, and took the easy "middle road" out.

The characters themselves are curiously unappealing- the designs lack charm and the accents, except for maybe the cat, are barely even attempted.

Some of the visual humour works well, and it will probably occupy very young kids, but ages 10 and up will likely be frustrated.

Thir13en Ghosts (2001)

Genuinely physically painful, don't watch.

[1/10 · 30 October 2022]

For fans of being trapped in a phone booth with a screaming idiot and a box of fireworks. Don't make my mistake- as soon as the first blaring noise and flashing visuals appear, turn off. It won't get better.

From the start, it's awkwardly marrying genuinely sinister elements with aggravating camp, and the truly obtrusive strobing gore is pretty much the theme of this film. I criticised films such as the latest Grudge for being a vehicle for screaming ghosts, but it had the decency to work them into the scene and plot. This disaster simply flashes them at you, over and over, out of nowhere, complete with nails on chalkboard sound.

It's not just a dreadful movie, it's physically unpleasant to see and hear. Do not, under any circumstances, give this screeching headache a chance.

The Razing (2022)

Stopped watching, intolerable

[1/10 · 18 October 2022]

Talk, talk, talk, with cinematography by the guy who did Battlefield Earth- tilted, noisy and piss-yellow. The characters are unengaging and truly obnoxious- they all hate each other, they all sound alike, you wonder why you and they are there and ultimately I didn't care enough to find out. I have no doubt you'll have guessed it by about ten minutes in, and I guarantee whatever your guess, it will prove more interesting than whatever this was.

This distorted ochre dirge runs for 110 minutes, and for nearly all the fraction of that I could stand they were in an apartment, with something more interesting going on outside. Maybe that was the joke all along- watch this with people you hate, then leave to do something more interesting midway through.

One star, eff this.

The Poughkeepsie Tapes (2007)

Unengaging and tedious torture show

[2/10 · 13 October 2022]

First person murders and torture, over and over and over and over. It would be a very poor documentary if its subject were real. Nothing draws you in or links the killings to a common thread, and the writers are careful to tip their hand that they "know" about serial killers (a Bundy cameo, some references to his statements). It falls flat because there's no human behind the killer- the conceit that that human is you, the viewer, is sixth form debate club stuff.

To those who are interested in serial killer horror, the absent characterisation will disappoint you. I can only imagine it appealing to fans of "video nasties"- no judgement from me, that stuff can be interesting, but again, stringing a load together without rhyme, reason or realism isn't going to hold your attention.

Vivarium (2019)

One idea, stretched to feature length

[1/10 · 27 July 2022]

Intolerable shaggy dog story, seemingly inspired by a drive through a new build development on a grey November morning, and nearly as interesting.

Billed as a psychological horror, you'll see every exhausting step that doesn't come out of nowhere a mile off. Any meaning you might want to read into it will be your own, there's nowhere near enough in this repetitive slog to carry a furniture advert, let alone a hundred minutes you'll never get back.

The Gift (VI) (2015)

Starts well, but stakes are all over the place

[5/10 · 21 April 2022]

The movie opens well- an oddball stalker attaches himself to a young couple, motivated by some hinted-at event in the past. There are darkly comic elements to this, before the second act starts to suggest a motivation.

The motivation remains unclear, though- while the husband has clearly behaved badly in the past, the response by the stalker is beyond irrational, to the point that it overshadows the entire first act. The escalation is poorly justified by what is seen, and while the husband is certainly on the darker side of morally grey, what he's done during the story is firstly largely unrelated to the stalking, and secondly it's entirely told, rather than shown.

The Cabin in the Woods (2011)

More imitation than parody

[2/10 · 16 April 2022]

Neither fish nor fowl, this film shows its age badly through "snark" humour, forced extreme cynicism, and a lack of distinction between character voices. Making a dull paint by numbers film on purpose is still making a dull paint by numbers film. Zero stakes, zero immersion.

If you want to watch a horror deconstruction, Scream or even Scary Movie is right to hand. If you want to be scared, this is handily beaten by 95% of horror flicks out there. If you want to laugh, again, 95% of comedies will top this.

Coming Home in the Dark (2021)

Nasty little shaggy dog story

[1/10 · 16 April 2022]

When your antagonists do what they do on-screen as an opening gambit, in the first fifteen minutes of this pointless ordeal, nothing they do or say is going to humanise them afterwards. You're not going to care about or believe their purported justifications, and everything thereafter is entirely overshadowed by the egregious opening act.

Pretentious, cheap and self-defeating attempt at character study that's billed as something else entirely, ruined by the cartoonish inhumanity of the characters.

Waste of time, it was an effort to even have it on as background noise.

Brave (2012)

Good stuff

[8/10 · 15 April 2022]

Enjoyable film with a sound moral, though being set in Macbeth's stomping ground (and a vaguely Song of Ice and Fire setting, too) you are expecting realpolitik to assert itself over the obvious message regarding arranged marriages. The framing device is woven back in well.

Identity (2003)

Draws you in and will keep you guessing

[7/10 · 15 April 2022]

Interesting take on the 'strangers trapped together' story, and it plays fair with the audience- the clues are there and are mostly woven back together well. Some artistic licence taken with the law/psychology in the framing story, and it could be argued the whole thing is too far 'out there' from the beginning. Well worth watching.

The Mortuary Collection (2019)

Camp background noise

[2/10 · 15 April 2022]

Short horror needs better structure- as it is, the three stories in the anthology are just accounts of bad supernatural things happening. Straddles the line between tongue in cheek and horror awkwardly. Nothing memorable in this film.

Halloween (I) (2018)

Sticks to hackneyed tropes long after everybody caught on

[3/10 · 15 April 2022]

The events of the movie rely noticeably on the characters acting in stupid ways, specifically, stupid ways familiar to anybody who's seen a horror movie in the last thirty years.

You can almost tick off the contrivances from a list- go in there alone, get rid of the mobile phone somehow, forget that firearms work at ranges other than point blank, stick in an out of nowhere twist, stupid Heath Robinson traps, and no confirmation the killer is dead. "Scream" was acknowledging this a quarter century ago, and we've had five or more instalments of "Scary Movie" inflicted on us since. A homage should at least have tried to be inventive.

Two stars above a minimum rating for somewhat decent acting and camera work, and maybe it's more enjoyable if you go in with lower expectations.

Borat Subsequent Moviefilm (2020)

Troll's remorse sinks Borat

[4/10 · 30 March 2022]

Borat is up to his old pranks, but it seems Sacha Baron Cohen has decided his comedy needs to "send a message". The immediate effect is to make you wonder just how much of the interviews have been edited to make a point. There are still hits in there, but you can't quite shake the feeling that the prankster has a Very Important Message For You.

Citizen X (1995 TV Movie)

Gripping account of the hunt for Chikatilo

[9/10 · 30 March 2022]

True to life account of the hunt for the Rostov Ripper, focusing on the detective tasked with bringing him to justice, rather than the killer himself and his deeds. Strongly recommend for anybody into crime documentaries.

The Death of Stalin (2017)

Witty and skilfully written

[8/10 · 30 March 2022]

Great dark comedy that remains respectful of the victims of the men depicted. Licence is taken with some of the characterisations, of course, but the right historical "beats" are there. Derives a lot of its comedy from the absurdity of the system, a path that might seem well trod, but the characters/caricatures are well portrayed.

Cropsey (2009)

Youtube amateurs do it better

[2/10 · 30 March 2022]

Disjointed true crime story told through interviews with a massive cast. Repetitive and poorly stitched together, this would have benefited greatly from extensive editing to convey key information without the conceit of "peoples' views of the boogeyman".

The aside that gives the film its name, the boogeyman character "Cropsey" lends the whole thing a distasteful air once it becomes apparent the crimes were real- it tries to straddle true crime and horror movie, and botches both.

A frustrating and tiresome watch.

Malevolent (III) (2018)

Don't waste your time

[2/10 · 26 March 2022]

Unexciting film, with a plot twist you can see a mile off. Several infuriating moments, in which characters act irrationally for the sole purpose of furthering the plot. In a similar vein, the film suffers badly from anachronisms- the setting of mid-eighties Scotland appears to have been chosen simply to rule out the possibility of mobile telephones.

A hackneyed bit that makes an unwelcome appearance is "highlighting" a threatening atmosphere through the use of children's music or other out-of-place "innocent" imagery. Here, the children's music is explicitly American for whatever reason, with lines about Cadillac Motors.

The killers have little to no motivation, perhaps in this sort of film you can expect "they are just psychos", but it extends to the reason for the plot- why would this woman invite relatively high-profile strangers, with recording equipment, into her murder house?

The violence is oddly calibrated- a man who has no problem mass torture-murdering children decides to let a wounded protagonist off with a mere beating, leaving him to save the day.

The actors do badly with what little the script gives them- the protagonist's brother goes to great lengths to show the viewers what an amoral scumbag he is, and the third wheel (the tech guy) can't deliver his lines clearly.

The Grudge (2019)

Jump scares and not much else

[3/10 · 25 March 2022]

A rambling mixture of half-finished stories, this film never draws you in. One scene might pass as clever, but on the whole this movie is a vehicle for the sudden delivery of screaming ghosts, with narrative coherence an afterthought at best.

The Rental (2020)

An empty screen

[2/10 · 25 March 2022]

Barely passable as background noise, a feeble knockoff of a teen slasher movie with an adult cast.

I think the aim of the film was to play on a fear of being watched/spied on, but it seems the thought ended there. The killer has no apparent motive beyond smashing people with a claw hammer, completely disjointing the horror aspect from the interpersonal drama that plays out in the first part of the film.

The killings come at the end, and a frustrating final sequence, where you'd hope the killer and his motives would be revealed, takes pains to avoid giving you any answers.