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HorrorWriter7493
Reviews
Fireproof (2008)
Fireproof - A Poor Excuse For A Film
Before I review this film, I think you should know how I'm approaching this. I'm an Evangelical Quaker (basically, a Christian who believes that you can reach anyone by being understanding, compassionate, and loving without thumping their head with a Bible) and my father, at one time, was a pastor of a church plant. My faith, even though I abandoned it for about six months and became an Objectivist (an atheist who believes in individualism), has gotten me far in life. I suffer from Bipolar disorder, and if you know anything about that would know that having this illness is a truly horrible thing. God is the only thing in my life that has been constantly helping me out in times of crisis. I have seen and been in relationships torn apart by addictions. I also want to be a film director someday. On top of that, I write short stories and novels in my free time. I've studied the craft of good storytelling and I can recognize it when I see it.
Now... on to the review... To put it as blunt as possible: Fireproof is for Christians who are really well off in their faith and have not encountered anything truly wounding to them. It's not their fault, I know, but the fact that film makers are making money off of them for money really ticks me off. Christians are a really easy market to milk. Every artist knows that. Why? Well, make a mediocre movie that's politically correct, doesn't offend anyone, and put Jesus' name in it and you'll soon find out. People, especially Christians, are so easily mislead to believe that just because the people who made the movie share their beliefs that it must be good even though the film's clearly bad. I love the premise of it. The idea of sticking by your partner and helping him or her out because you know that it can work out in the end is really rare nowadays. But they deliver it so poorly that it's laughable. And if you think that I'm being somehow "anti-Christian" and that this movie is flawless, let me point out all the things in this movie that are flawed: 1) The conversations between the firefighters is so unrealistic. No curse words at a fire department filled with men? I mean... really? 2) If a guy found out that his wife was flirting with someone at the office with an intent on cheating, his first response should be to take a shotgun, go down where he works and stick it under his chin and say something like: "I'm going to blow your brains all over the wall if you touch her again." You do not show him your wedding ring and say, "Stay away from her or... or... I'll say something even more mean!" Whoo! You tell him, Mr. Firefighter! You tell that mean doctor! 3) You do not get over addictions instantly after being converted. It's a long and hard process. That is a myth that this movie is producing that I have a huge problem with. 4) People do NOT treat you with respect for getting religion of any kind. They will manipulate, mock, and even threaten you for your faith.
Every time Christians tell me this is one of the greatest movies ever made, I die a little inside. But when a truly Christian movie comes along (like Walk the Line or The Road), they ignore it because people say it isn't "Christian" enough. Nonbelievers clearly see the contradictions in that. These are the types of Christian movies that people should look up to instead of this trash:
Tender Mercies (1983) Deals with the theme that some people need to be polished with love in order to change.
The Road (2009) Deals with the theme of persevering in the harshest circumstances presented to you. This was marketed towards Christians to show how the world will be like when the church is next to non-existent. The father-son relationship is a metaphor for passing the torch on to the next generation.
I Am Legend (2007) Deals with the theme of losing everything in your life and then regaining it again and realizing God's love.
The Exorcism of Emily Rose (2005) Asks the question of how people ignore God when they have seen the Devil.
Walk the Line (2005) Again, deals with the theme that some people need to be polished with love in order to change. Christians complained this wasn't "Christian" enough even though it clearly shows Johnny Cash's faith after he's gotten clean through his actions.
Signs (2002) Deals with the theme of losing everything and losing faith. In this case, a preacher losing his wife. If you hate M. Night Shyamalan a lot, ignore the fact that he made this movie. You'll thank me for it.
I could go on and on. The point? These movies were well done, had great quality, and produced a very strong Christian message. Churches ignored them because they weren't up to their impossible standard of being politically correct and non-offensive and still having good quality. It just can't happen. Why are Christians so afraid to show the brutality of life without God? It doesn't make sense to me... and it never will.
I could go on and on about this, but I think truly open-minded people, no matter what their faith, will get what I'm saying.
God bless, -HorrorWriter7493
The Happening (2008)
The Happening
I honestly don't see what everyone's problem is with this movie. It is a well-done thriller that actually sucks you in to the plot instead of crapping out on you. This is a commentary on modern day issues that's presented in an entertaining way. I especially love the fact that the basic message is that we have no control whatsoever over nature and the environment. Nature can take care of itself and it probably has survived more crap than man ever has... or will. I'm willing to bet fifty bucks that this movie will age like fine wine and will be a classic. If you don't get the plot, then it's not the film maker's fault that you have the IQ of wind-up toy monkey. Sorry that there's no graphic sex or strong profanity. Believe it or not, in real life, people wouldn't be thinking about sex or cussing like a sailor (well, maybe, it depends) while everyone's killing themselves. Until then, I suggest you give the movie a chance and see it in an entirely different light.
Club Vampire (1998)
Club Vampire
I was watching this with one of my friends, who is a vampire freak, and I was extremely disgusted at the fact that this film exists. This film should be shown to prisoners of war, yes, it's that bad. Even John McCain wouldn't be able to sit through this. So why the 3/10 rating? Because it had a vampire midget. Come on, what's more entertaining than a vampire midget? There's one scene in this film where John Savage gets laid by saying "I want to feel human again," and the chick, being the brainless stripper slut she is, lets him "feel human". I wish I could "feel human" with Jessica Alba or Megan Fox. This is a movie for stoners. There is bright flashy objects and random movements. All in all, don't waste your money on this garbage. I got it for free when I was walking down the street with my friend and we saw a garbage barrel full of video tapes and a sign that said "free". So, in a way, I didn't get ripped off, but still...
The Mist (2007)
The Mist
This film is truly creepy and it keeps you interested all the way through. Yes, it has some flaws, but all in all, it's a great film. I don't get why Christians said this was anti-Christian just because some crazy nutcase was preaching. I'm a Christian and I was not offended. In fact, this film has a bunch of Christian messages itself. The first one is to not take yourself so seriously and actually understand the Bible (crazy lady in the super-market). The second one is that man can not play God and can't possibly play God because he doesn't know what's going to happen next. I actually think the director and Stephen King threw that woman in there to throw the brainless Christians off and to attract the ones with that are intelligent. See this flick, but don't see it if you are easily offended.
The Day After (1983)
The Day After
When I first saw this I was eleven. It scared me to death and it really put me in an incredibly negative emotional state. Looking back at the film, I realized that this was Left-Wing slanted propaganda. Not only does it make everything over-dramatic, the film-makers themselves tried to say "This is what you have to look forward to if you don't get rid of nuclear weapons!" Let me explain something here, my grandfather designed nuclear weapons himself and he said, at the time, they were so advanced that they would leave nothing alive behind. He didn't have a bomb shelter because of this fact. Look at the movie. Several bombs go off in Kansas. One goes off right next to a house and another goes off next to a couple of cars. Normally, this would kill anyone or anything next to it. But no, somehow the house stood up, even though a bomb went off in its yard. The doctor in the car that saw a bomb explode right next to the cars survived. In the movie, they say that the bombings will be worse than the bombings in Japan. Yet, they still have the exact same effect. Apparently, we still had the same technology in the eighties as we did in the forties. The message overall: "America is going to get what's coming to them if we don't get rid of nuclear weapons!" Well, as long as there's a Korean Oompa Loompa that has nuclear weapons giving us threats and breaking countless treaties, I see the need to have the nuclear weapons.
Misery (1990)
Misery
Misery is one of my favorite novels. This movie is very faithful to the book and has the exact same level of suspense. Misery is meant to be a horror story for writers, like (if you hadn't already by my screen name) me. Writers always fear what would happen if they suddenly changed what their writing. It's the readers that the writer is worried about. This novel/movie plays on that fear. Paul Sheldon, the main character, decides to write another novel that's very different from what he's written (The "Misery" series, I assume it's a romance series oddly enough). So he writes the last "Misery" novel (honestly, that's the worst name to give to a woman) and kills the main character off. The crap hits the fan when he's rescued by a stalker-like woman who LOVES (literally) him from a car crash in Colorado. If you're a writer, read the novel first then see the movie. The movie does a pretty good job and is very faithful. They watered down the movie, but why does it matter? It still is very faithful! Read the novel and see the movie. I dare you...
Prophecy (1979)
Prophecy
This movie is about a monster killing things in the woods and making people fight for themselves. It seemed to scream me but when I watched it, I was trying to not pass out for the first hour or so. It's just a bunch of people walking around investigating this forest and then they find out what the monster is. That's when the real fun begins. For the last thirty minutes of this film, I was on the edge of my seat screaming "RUN! RUN!". The monster looks hideous, it's like the insides of it are on its skin. I don't know why but all I know is that it's cool. Prophecy takes a while to get scary, so don't be watching this expecting to see a great horror film. It's just one of those fun horror flicks. I just wished they could've took half of the script and dumped it. See the movie if you're in the mood for it.
The Thing (1982)
John Carpenter's The Thing
I'm a big fan of the black and white version of "The Thing". I was angry that John Carpenter made his own version and I refused to see it... until recently. "The Thing" has a very Lovecraftian feeling to it. Lovecraft is one of my favorite writers so it was inevitable that I would love this film. Let me clear the air about a few things. This is NOT a remake, both films are based on a story entitled "Who Goes There?" by an author I can't remember. I will try to find and read it as soon as possible. The level of paranoia in this film is thick. You have no clue who is The Thing until the transformation happens. The difference between this film and the black and white version is that the black and white monster was like a Frankenstein monster type of thing. This monster is like Alien from "Alien". It takes the form of living things (excluding plants, that's just my guess) and hides in them. Both monsters can be destroyed by the same means, see both films if you want to see what these means are. I'm eating my words, I will bow down to John Carpenter for doing this film. Both films are good, so I suggest if you see this one, see the black and white version. Just don't expect to see the same monster. Another thing that got me about this film is its level of controversy. Apparently, a bunch of sensitive people got offended because there's no females in this film. I don't see people for their race, gender, ethnicity, etc. I see them for who they really are. Some people are way too sensitive about stupid things like this.
The Fog (2005)
The Fog
This film started out good, but then it went downhill. I don't see the reason why we should remake John Carpenter's flicks, they're good on their own. The only reason why I rate this 5/10 is because of the amazingly hot women and the scary parts. This film has several flaws in it though. If they had read the original script they could have made it much better. Of course if they had hired me as the writer...never mind. This is good for a rent for a so-cheesy-it's-good craving. I hated it when I first saw this, but after a while it grows on you. This is nothing like the original Fog. Hopefully, they'll make a better remake than this one.
The Simpsons Movie (2007)
The Simpsons Movie
I just got done watching the movie and was surprised. After reading all the hate reviews I was totally blown away. I was not angry that they chose the EPA for the bad guys. I personally don't believe in Global Warming because of what was going on in the 70's (Global Cooling, we're all causing our own death because of carbon footprints, blah, blah, blah). This movie is a treat all the way through. It's crude (as always) it's funny (as always) and it's smart (as always). If you are offended easily and/or a Enviromentalist, don't see this movie. If you are a Simpsons fan, see it. That's all I have to say. Anyone who doesn't laugh at the "Spider-Pig" song or the part where Bart rides his skateboard through Springfield doesn't have a sense of humor or takes him/herself WAY too seriously.
In the Mouth of Madness (1994)
In the Mouth of Madness
In the Mouth of Madness is a brilliant movie in a Lovcraftian style. John Carpenter did an excellent job on this film, but he usually does with most films. All of his films have a very Lovecraft feel to it. If you're a Lovecraft geek (like me) see this film. You won't be disappointed. One of the most scary parts of the film is when Trent is running away from the monsters. But overall, the most scary aspect of this film is that you don't know what's fiction or reality. Even in the end... Take my advice and see it, preferably in the dark, where you don't know if a tentacle might come out from behind your closet door or maybe even under your bed...